Thursday, July 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

An Indiana woman stabbed her husband who came back home without her favorite type of doughnuts. Apparently she was trying to show him what it was like to be in a box with a dozen holes.

Jeb Bush ended up with three delegate votes at the GOP convention which ended up costing $50 Million each. Lobbyists were shaking their heads. That was enough money to instead buy seven congressmen, three judges and a mayor.

Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland is offering a “safe space” to students upset by the nearby GOP convention. If they are traumatized by that, it won’t be any better next week when the convention is over but they are still in Cleveland.

Melania Trump’s speech writer has offered her resignation after being accused of plagiarism. Although it didn’t help her case when her letter ended with “Th…th…th…that’s all, folks!”

Melania Trump’s speech writer has offered her resignation after being accused of plagiarism. Apparently she thought she could get away with it as she figured out no one would be able to get past Melania’s accent to hear what she was even saying.

A poll says 70% of Americans say the country is going in the wrong direction. It didn’t help any when Republicans took the entire party and got on the highway to Cleveland.

Human DNA is being sent into space to “back up” the species so we won’t become extinct. Although people who really don’t want to see humans disappear from the planet can do something more immediate by not voting for Donald Trump.

Human DNA is being sent into space to “back up” the species so we won’t become extinct. Although sending DNA into space is not to be confused with the condom circling Uranus. (Sorry, it’s old, it’s juvenile, it’s predictable. But always funny!)

A study says that monkeys like to drink alcohol. That’s no surprise. When is the last time you ate nothing but bananas all day and threw feces around the house while you were still sober?

An L.A. Times Op-Ed article said if Trump wins, a coup would be possible in the U.S. To which Trump says who needs a coup when you have money, the media and enough celebrities on your side?

An L.A. Times Op-Ed article said if Trump wins, a coup would be possible in the U.S. If anyone doesn’t believe a coup is possible in this country they should just look at the Republican Party nominating process.

United Airlines and the TSA are working to offer automated security checkpoints to reduce long lines at airports. Which means United passengers will now just have to wait in the usual long lines for check-in, flight delays and cancellations.

A survey says half of all Brazilians are against the Olympics. The other half just can’t wait to use their vuvuzelas during the Olympic soccer matches.

John Kasich says Donald Trump asked him if he wanted to join the ticket and become “the most powerful Vice President in history.” Although being the most powerful Vice President is like driving around in the most customized Kia.

Facebook says its Messenger app is used by a billion people every month. Instead of scrolling all the way through Facebook, it’s a lot easier to just personally ask all your friends what they ate for breakfast that day.

A report says Apple stands to make billions of dollars from Pokemon Go. Mostly from people having to replace their iPhones after they fall into a pond while trying to locate a Charizard.

L.L. Bean has recalled children’s water bottles for possible lead content. When it comes to any of the bottles bought at their outlet in Flint, Michigan, the retailer says “never mind.”

L.L. Bean has recalled children’s water bottles for possible lead content. The good news is that none of the bottles were reportedly used as if children are actually going to drink water.

Panera is suing a former executive who is now working for Papa John’s over trade secrets. The company says the former worker has no loyalty and really showed a lot of crust.

Panera is suing a former executive who is now working for Papa John’s over trade secrets. Damages for revealing confidential information on how to make soup and bread could total into the dozens of dollars.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to be on his way out after allegations of sexual harassment. At age 76, he will now just spend the rest of his days doing what other elderly white men do. Sit around watching Fox News.

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to be on his way out after allegations of sexual harassment. After hearing the allegations, the only people still supporting him are other 76 year old men who are saying “He’s still got it!”

Fox News CEO Roger Ailes is said to be on his way out after allegations of sexual harassment. To which Fox News viewers were saddened, saying it was a shame to be kicked out of his job while still in the prime of life.

The GOP made a surprising move, calling for the revival of the Depression era Glass-Steagall law to regulate banks. Apparently party leaders are becoming nostalgic for reminders of what happens when their economic policies are put into place.

The Dollar Shave Club is being bought by Unilever for $1 Billion. It was a tough sale but the brokers were all lathered up and it went through by a whisker.

Three recent studies reveal how the brain responds to music. The most obvious result of the studies was seeing the EEG reading go straight to a flat line whenever any Justin Bieber tunes were played.

A study says middle aged brains don’t work as well after 25 hours of work. Which means that anyone over 40 should pretty much just be told to take off every Thursday and Friday.

A study says middle aged brains don’t work as well after 25 hours of work. Which is good news since it’s hard to find anyone over 50 who can still find a job that offers that many hours in the first place.

Wal-Mart has identified eight chemicals they want removed from all their products. Apparently they were getting tired of having to call the Haz-Mat team every time there is a call for “clean up on aisle 5!”

A new map of the brain discovered 97 previously unknown regions. The findings were made only because researchers went to those areas looking for characters while playing Pokemon Go.

Researchers say only high levels of being sedentary, ten hours or more a day in a chair are linked to heart disease. The bad part is when a doctor gives a patient the bad news over the phone and pretty much assumes they are already sitting down.

A study in Scotland says that home cooked meals are not always the most healthy. Which is no surprise coming from a country whose national dish is haggis.

Scientists in the UK say they are a step closer to developing an invisibility cloak. Apparently it would be used as an alternative plan where they could wrap it around the entire country and leave the EU without going through that whole Brexit thing.

Donald Trump will give his acceptance speech tonight at the GOP convention. There is already suspicion that he is using his wife’s speech writer as a preliminary draft that was leaked out starts with “Four score and seven years ago…”

Jon Gosselin was seen working at a TGI Friday’s which he claims is not a job but just his hobby. Apparently it helps him relax from the stress of his real career behind the counter at a 7-Eleven.

The NBC soap opera “Days of Our Lives” is taping its 13,000th episode this week. Producers are planning a cast reunion which over the years features 110 mistresses, 27 illegitimate children and five evil twins.

A report says that Ricky Williams had a plan to make an NFL comeback by changing his name to Rio Don and changing his uniform number. Although everyone would have known it was him because the number he picked was “420.”

A report says that Ricky Williams had a plan to make an NFL comeback by changing his name to Rio Don and changing his uniform number. Ironically, he came up with the plan to escape drug testing which would have been unnecessary as that idea would only be conceived by someone who was completely stoned out of their mind.

Eldora Speedway in Ohio set a world’s record with 561 people playing the largest game of heads or tails. The hardest part of the event was deciding who got to start things off by performing the ceremonial coin toss.

Eldora Speedway in Ohio set a world’s record with 561 people playing the largest game of heads or tails. The only problem is that the decision to see who started took three hours of everyone playing rock, paper, scissors.

Today, July 21st is National Junk Food Day. Or as most Americans otherwise know it, Thursday.

Today, July 21st is National Junk Food Day. To honor all those who participated, flags will be lowered to half-staff on Friday.

Birkenstock says it is quitting its relationship with Amazon after a surge in counterfeit sales. What’s next, online fake versions of tie-dyed shirts, hemp Buddha pants and Bohemian dresses?

Macy’s is using IBM supercomputer Watson to improve its new in-store shopping app. The only problem is that Watson can only answer when asked by shoppers whether anything makes their motherboard look big.

Ivanka Trump is being accused of stealing the idea of a shoe design. She denies the charges but it turns out Melania Trump’s speechwriter gave her the idea to have the shoes include a swoosh.

A report says hackers targeted 130 Cici’s Pizza locations to access data from customers’ credit cards. So far the only information they managed to from people eating at Cici’s was the name of the doctor treating them for their Type 2 Diabetes.

A report says that people are offering to play Pokemon Go for others for a fee. How lazy have we gotten that we can’t play a video game for ourselves because it actually requires us to get our behinds off the couch?

Pokemon Go is such a popular game that a Pokemon Go dating site has already sprung up. The only problem is that people on the site will only swipe right on you if you can show them where to find Charizard.

Ben Carson says he will not run for public office ever again. To which most people had no idea he ran for public office this time.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The GOP convention wraps up tonight. As do the hopes of Republicans taking back the White House this time. The only problem I have had with the convention is who needs a joke writer when you have Donald Trump being nominated for President in Cleveland? It’s all right there. And I am right here. And I hope you all are still checking in and will keep on doing so and  remembering at least once in awhile to make sure to keep sending the love!


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