Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new health trend is called the “burrito sauna” where people are wrapped in heated blankets to remove toxins from their body. Which ironically is used by most people to get rid of the E.coli they got when they ate a real burrito at Chipotle.

A 1.5 Million gallon sewage spill in Los Angeles has closed several beaches. At least to everyone but the people from New Jersey who said it was just a little bit of medical waste and oil spill away from being just like home.

Federal officials have removed the lesser prairie chicken off the protected list. Which just gave environmentalists and animal rights advocates something else to grouse about.

NOAA says last month was the hottest June ever worldwide, the 14th straight record warm month. Officials are concerned that July could be even worse as it will be dealing with the thermonuclear fallout from both political conventions.

NOAA says last month was the hottest June ever worldwide, the 14th straight record warm month. And that was just for the part when Chris Christie was told he wasn’t going to be Donald Trump’s pick for running mate.

Transportation developer Hyperloop is countersuing its co-founder Brogan BamBrogan after he sued over wild allegations about a takeover attempt. If people want a public transportation system that features psychotic behavior, they can always just ride the New York subway system.

Transportation developer Hyperloop is countersuing its co-founder Brogan BamBrogan after he sued over wild allegations about a takeover attempt. Although there might be something to his charges after the company announced they are moving all operations to Turkey.

Transportation developer Hyperloop is countersuing its co-founder Brogan BamBrogan after he sued over wild allegations about a takeover attempt. Although it is just a little difficult to believe anyone who has a name that sounds less like a CEO and more like someone on the undercard at a WWE wrestling match.

Trump campaign officials are denying that Melania Trump plagiarized Michelle Obama in her convention speech. The official response to the charges is “As God is my witness…I will never be hungry again!”

Tesla Motors has initiated a name change, possibly in response to bad publicity involving crashes with some of its self-driving cars. To which the people at Chipotle are saying “You can do that?”

Tesla Motors has initiated a name change, possibly in response to bad publicity involving crashes with some of its self-driving cars. The only problem with changing the name of a defective car is that “Chrysler” has already been taken.

U.S. federal regulators have rolled back vehicle mileage goals for 2025 from their original 54.5 MPG. Mostly because the only way they were going to reach those projections was if in another 10 years everyone was riding around on a hoverboard.

The Obama Administration is considering suing to block several health care company mergers. Apparently they realize it will be easier for Obamacare to destroy the entire system if they keep everything separate.

Amazon has reportedly taken out a patent for a Pony Express-like drone delivery operation. Which is much better because if they were able to use horses like drones we would all have to be walking around always carrying an umbrella.

A report says more companies are allowing employees to seek treatment for mental health issues with mobile apps on their smartphones. The only problem is that most of their mental issues come from being glued to their cellphone screen for 20 hours a day.

A report says more companies are allowing employees to seek treatment for mental health issues with smartphone mobile. Which is ironic because the biggest mental health issue for most workers is paranoia from knowing their company uses their phone to track where they are, who they are with and what they are watching.

Tesla Motors has changed its company name to just Tesla.com. Apparently the removal of the word “motors” has to do with the problems they have had with auto fires, crashes caused by failures of their autopilot system and the fact all their cars now feature the standard option of driver’s side pedals.

A report says Pokemon Go is changing the work place dynamic. For one thing, people are now walking around more using their cellphones to play a video game when they should be working instead of sitting at their desk and using their phones to play video games.

A survey says former college students are questioning whether the expense of college was worth it. Although when they realize they can’t remember most of their college years because of all the keg parties, their answer is an overwhelming “Yes!”

A survey says former college students are questioning whether the expense of college was worth it. Although their answer will have to wait another 20 years until they actually get a job in the subject of their degree.

A study says college graduates are putting off marriage and home buying because of the cost of paying off their tuition loans. The good news is they have that much longer to go before they suffer through the inevitable divorce and foreclosure.

Hillary Clinton says that Donald Trump is the most dangerous man to ever run for President. Although when the Democrats make her the first woman with a major party nomination, she will then become the most dangerous woman to ever run.

A California couple has claimed their $528.8 Million share of the record Power Ball payoff from January. Being in California, the couple says they will use the money to pay off their mortgage and still have enough left over to buy a 1998 Chevy Impala.

United Airlines ads are using Virtual Reality to show off their new swanky business class. Mostly because there is no way that actual reality has ever been associated with the terms “new” or “swanky” and United Airlines.

P.F. Chang’s has recalled more frozen dinners because of metal shards. Apparently the company didn’t try do go with their marketing department’s idea of advertising the meals as “Now with iron!”

P.F. Chang’s has recalled more frozen dinners because of metal shards. Apparently the “P.F.” is short for the “Pfffffff” sound that comes from a person’s intestines when they are punctured by the shrapnel.

A study says Pokemon Go is attracting a diverse crowd of gamers. Now all races, nationalities and age groups can share the life experience of wasting their entire existence hunting down non-existent images on their cellphones.

A study says that hormone therapy has no effect on women’s verbal memory after menopause. Which is no surprise to men who know an atomic blast isn’t enough to make their wife forget anything they have done wrong in the past 20 years.

A study says people sleep less during a full moon. Especially men who have to wait even longer at night to sneak back into their bedroom because of the extra light making it easier to be caught by their wife.

A group of wrestlers is suing the WWE claiming that wrestling caused brain injuries. So far their main evidence will be pretty much just Jesse Ventura.

Macaulay Culkin in a rare interview has denied rumors that he has a heroin addiction. Now that he has taken care of that issue, we don’t need to check in with him again until some time in 2032.

Macaulay Culkin in a rare interview has denied rumors that he has a $6,000 a month heroin addiction. Apparently the rumor was actually started by Culkin to make people think he actually has access to $6,000 a month.

The rock group Queen says the Republican National Convention used their song “We Are The Champions” against their wishes. Not only that, but the credits they used say the lyrics were written by Melania Trump.

A report says Matt Damon was paid $1 Million a line in the new film “Jason Bourne.” Which would be a fair price for Adam Sandler to be paid, as long as it was for a silent movie.

The Carolina Panthers are planning to give free refills for Pepsi products at the Bank of America Stadium next year. Which means fans will now have an extra $9 in their pockets to use instead to get that souvenir Panthers pencil they always wanted.


Tiger Woods says he will miss the PGA Championship as well as the rest of the 2016 season. Insiders say the time to look for Tiger to return to golf is when his caddy Joe LaCava turns in his resignation as a driver for Uber.

A poll says only 10% of iPhone users say they will upgrade to the new iPhone 7. Apparently the other 90% will wait the other month for the introduction of the iPhone 8, 9, and 10.

IBM says it has added 30,000 jobs this year. Mostly because the new positions are paying half of what the 30,000 people who were laid off last year were making.

India broke a record by planting 50 Million trees in just 24 hours. Which will thrive off the billions of tons of carbon dioxide that is pumped out by all the Indian factories that then cut down the trees to use to make broomsticks for Wal-Mart.

A 2,000 year old gravesite for dogs was discovered in Siberia. Or as that would have been called if it were found in Korea, the remains of an ancient restaurant.

A study says cockroaches use an internal GPS to get around. The worst part is when they hear Siri tell them to watch out for the giant shoe coming down from straight overhead.

A report says the same whale has washed up and been towed away from five southern California beaches. The worst part is that the tabloids have since been inundated with pictures of what people thought they were taking of Kirstie Alley sunbathing.

The unofficial slogan of the GOP convention has been “Lock her up” in reference to Hillary Clinton. Which is not to be confused of the convention’s kitchen workers who have been chanting “Lock him out” in reference to Chris Christie making them work triple overtime at the buffet table.

Donald Trump’s ex-wife Marla Maples showed up at the GOP convention to show support. Forget the opposing factions. Donald Trump has shown he can unite people if he can get all his ex-wives under the same roof at one time.

“Happy Days” creator Garry Marshall has died at age 81. Apparently the cause of death was watching the entire speech at the GOP convention by Chachi.

Alaska appealed its vote at the GOP convention, claiming all its delegates were incorrectly given to Donald Trump. Apparently they are very sensitive about where their votes go ever since they became known as the state that elected Sarah Palin.

A report says there was a 1 in 87 Billion chance that Melania Trump’s speech at the GOP convention was not plagiarized from Michelle Obama. Even the people who wrote “Blurred Lines” are saying they know lifted material when they see it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A long day yesterday as my daughter Summer had her wisdom teeth removed. I just wanted to say that as it would be the only time that the word “wisdom” has ever been referenced in this blog. I decided to keep writing and not take the day off. Although if there was ever a time to take a break from this blog it is while the GOP convention is going on. The whole thing is one long punch line. But I need the practice, as we all know. You can use a little practice as well, at least when it comes to taking the time to remember to keep on sending the love!


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