Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



Daytona Beach, Florida was shaken by a rare earthquake this week. To which Chris Christie says “Don’t look at me. I was in Cleveland.”

A computer expert is devising an algorithm that can identify criminals in the future. The easiest criminals to detect are child molesters who can be identified as soon as they sign up for an account on Myspace.

India’s environmental minister says a U.S. weapons system is responsible for global warming. Although he may be referring what will happen when Donald Trump is elected President and within three weeks the entire world will be engaged in thermonuclear war.

India’s environmental minister says a U.S. weapons system is responsible for global warming. Although his credibility is in doubt just from the fact that India is claiming to have an environmental minister.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos caused a commotion on the new “Star Trek” movie set when he was cast in a cameo role and showed up with nine bodyguards. Mostly because people assumed the only person who needs nine bodyguards in Hollywood to keep away angry investors is Adam Sandler.

Preparations for the Rio Olympics include giving athletes an average of 42 condoms each. Which over a two week time frame means the only athletic record that may be broken there is the one held by Wilt Chamberlain.

Venezuela’s inflation is set to exceed 1,600% next year. It is so bad that the person they are consulting to bring deflation back to the economy is Tom Brady.

A report says hundreds of men are sleeping in the street for a chance to become a plumber’s union apprentice in New York City. Which adds to the thousands of men sleeping in the street after spending everything they have on their latest plumber’s bill.

Johnny Miller says Rory McIlroy’s game is suffering because he thinks too much about “showing off his muscles.” Which is different than when Miller played back in the 1970s and the only physique issue golfers faced was how to swing the club around their beer gut.

A report says inflation in Nigeria reached 16.5% in June. The good news is that Nigerian princes have doubled the amount of money they are willing to split for a fee from a relative’s bank account from $100 Million to $200 Million.

An inquiry has found Russia has cheated at sports since 2011. Which means they were still a full four years behind the real experts on the New England Patriots who were spying on other teams going back to 2007.

A self-described “slow witted” Chinese math whiz who has solved complex problems even with no formal education claims all he wants to do now is get married and have a family. Which means he intends to go from being a world class mathematician back to just working on basic multiplication.

Several studies say that placebos have real health benefits for patients. The only problem is giving sugar pills to people whose health problems stem from being overweight and having diabetes from eating too much sugar.

Several studies say that placebos have real health benefits for patients. Especially by keeping their blood pressure down by not having to pay a pharmacy bill for real prescription drugs.

Fiat Chrysler is being probed by the federal government for inflating their sales figures. Apparently regulators became suspicious when the carmaker tried to say that more than two people actually bought a car made by Fiat Chrysler.

Fiat Chrysler is being probed by the federal government for inflating their sales figures. Now all someone has to do is investigate the government for deflating the amount of the federal deficit.

Scott Baio was a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention Monday night. He talked about how if Trump is elected it will be like a new sitcom titled “Donnie Would Love To Deport Chachi.”

 A federal watchdog says HUD Secretary Julian Castro violated the law concerning government officials performing political activities on the job. Fortunately for Castro, he won’t be investigated by Republicans as the incident has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton or her e-mails.

Donald Trump’s “The Art of the Deal” ghostwriter Tony Schwartz says the candidate is an “attention deficit man with sociopathic tendencies who is a potential danger to civilization.” Which has upset former candidate Ted Cruz who says Trump won by stealing his entire platform.

Roger Ailes is reportedly on his way out as CEO of Fox News in the wake of a sexual harassment lawsuit by former anchor Gretchen Carlson. Which has made for a slight change in their motto to “You report him and we decide if he should be fired.”

The government says automakers will not meet 2025 gasoline mileage targets of 54.5 MPG by 2025. Mostly because the only way the armor plated SUVs that soccer moms what to haul their kids in is if they hook them up to a team of horses.

Donald Trump says it is important to have showbiz at the Republican National Convention. Which is good for people who will hear speeches by Scott Baio, Pat Boone and Rachel Campos-Duffy from MTV’s “The Real World” who haven’t been able to sit down in front of the TV since Ed Sullivan went off the air.

Donald Trump says it is important to have showbiz at the Republican National Convention. Although after listening to Scott Baio give his speech, producers were thinking it might have been a better idea to bring back Clint Eastwood and his chair.

A United Airlines pilot was suspended after calling for Hillary Clinton to be hanged for treason. Fortunately, he didn’t try to inflict an even harsher punishment like giving her a free lifetime pass to fly on United.

Hasbro reports slowing growth of toy sales in its boys division. Mostly because boys haven’t had any interest in toys since the invention of the video console, smartphone and Internet porn.

Hasbro reports slowing growth of toy sales in its boys division. Even Madonna has realized now that she is well into her 50s she is cutting back on her obsession with boy toys.

A report says that Bank of America profits have fallen nearly 20% in the second quarter. Mostly because their typical depositor has seen their savings account be withdrawn down to their last quarter.

A report says that Bank of America profits have fallen nearly 20% in the second quarter. Bank executives are longing for the good old days when banks could make a fortune off reselling homes that went into foreclosure after they sold the buyers a bad subprime mortgage.

A new gadget reportedly helps people find spots they missed while putting on sunscreen. Don’t we already have that? It’s called the bright red blistered area from third degree sunburn.

An Australian man has pleaded guilty to performing amateur surgery to remove another man’s injured testicle. The question most people want answered is how did he ever convince the other guy that it sounded like a good idea in the first place?

A study says 9 out of 10 strokes are preventable. Mostly by not letting people take a look at their 401(k) statement without being properly sedated.

A group of doctors says that kids should be limited to how much media violence they watch. In other words, parents should turn off the TV until both the political conventions are over.

Data says that 12 Million coloring books were sold last year in comparison with only 1 Million in 2014. Apparently George W. Bush has finally found something besides clearing brush at his ranch to keep him busy during his retirement years.

A report says teenagers spend an average of nine hours a day on media. The good news is that it usually takes both hands to work a cellphone, computer or tablet which means that is nine hours less they spend eating each day.

The House has passed the first significant mental health reform bill since the 1960s. Which apparently is being done in advance of the possibility that Donald Trump may actually be elected President.

Rapper Pitbull has been given a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. His star will fittingly be placed right in between those of Lassie and Rin Tin Tin.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reportedly reignited their feud with Taylor Swift. Apparently it was a reaction to their finding out that people’s attention was actually diverted away from them and towards something of substance for a few minutes.

Omaha has been named to host the U.S. Olympic curling trials in 2017. Officials say the event could pump as much as another $327 into the local economy.

College football is reportedly considering doing away with the kickoff to prevent injuries. If that works, we can then expect to see college baseball go to underhand pitching, hockey played on roller skates and basketball played with foam Nerf balls.

The Green Bay Packers are set to honor former quarterback Brett Favre again this season. Which means even his retirement keeps coming out of retirement.

Shaquille O’Neal says that Tim Duncan is “not a big man.” Which is pretty easy to say about anyone when you are 7’1” tall and weigh 350 pounds.

Shaquille O’Neal says that Tim Duncan is “not a big man.” Mostly because when you become a senior citizen like Duncan it’s only natural for the body to start shrinking a bit.

A former St. Louis Cardinals executive has been sentenced to 46 months in prison for hacking the Houston Astros. Which is about as smart as someone in the NFL going to prison for stealing the playbook from the Tennessee Titans.

A former St. Louis Cardinals executive has been sentenced to 46 months in prison for hacking the Houston Astros. That’s about as smart as a soldier being caught performing espionage to get military secrets from France.

Donald Trump has appointed former “Apprentice” contestant Omarosa as his Director of African American Outreach. Only Trump would pick an ambassador of goodwill that even the African American community doesn’t like.

A vehicle in Donald Trump’s motorcade was involved in a minor accident in New York City Monday. Apparently it was a result of even Trump’s cars being programmed to only be able to steer to the right.

Chris Christie’s son Andrew has been appointed an at-large delegate at the Republican National Convention. Which is not to be confused with his father who is always just plain at-large.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I just noticed that this blog both started and ended on a Chris Christie fat joke. So much for the flow of the creative juices. Well, that’s all I’ve got today. Hopefully, in between there might be something a little more imaginative. But probably not. I should probably try and read the blog myself sometime. All I know is that I put down words, you log in and read them and hopefully it motivates you all to make sure and always keep sending the love!

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