Sunday, July 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Reports say a military coup in Turkey has failed. Apparently turkey blew the coup when the soldiers became chickens who flew the coop.

Reports say a military coup in Turkey has failed. If the military wanted to change the leadership of the country, they should have done it the way it happens in the U.S. Have an election and they have the Supreme Court change the results to their liking.

Reports say a military coup in Turkey has failed. Mostly because the military leaders realized if they won they would be left in charge of running Turkey.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has won his battle against Tom Brady over “Deflategate” after 545 days. The only people connected with the NFL who have had the fortitude to wait even longer for a victory are Raiders fans.

Former Major Leaguer Darryl Strawberry says he used to have sex with female fans in the clubhouse during games. Unfortunately that hurt his stats as the sabermetrics showed while he was scoring more and striking out less with the fans, he was striking out more and scoring less at the plate.

Takeoffs at JFK were disrupted by local turtles and their nesting ritual. The worst part is that airport officials are studying the turtles to see how some of their methods could be copied to speed up the operations at United Airlines.

A court has ruled against a claim of loss of value of GM cars because of defective ignition switches. Apparently the court felt the defective ignition switches were one of the least reasons for GM cars losing their value.

A poll says 62% of Americans foresee the death of the use of cash during their lifetime. Which is fine with the other 38% who haven’t actually had any cash in their hands since 2008.

A poll says 62% of Americans foresee the death of the use of cash during their lifetime. Mostly because they will instead be paying for everything with foodstamps, welfare checks and foodbank handouts.

An analyst says Chipotle customers won’t be coming back anytime soon. Mostly because they can still get food with E.coli much more cheaply at Jack In The Box, Sizzler and Taco Bell.

Two California men were injured falling off a cliff while playing Pokemon Go. The strange part is that it wasn’t a Pokemon character they were chasing but actually an image of Wile E. Coyote.

Boeing is marking their 100th anniversary this month. They were planning a celebration featuring the first plane they made only it was busy still hauling passengers on a regularly scheduled United Airlines flight from Boston to New York.

A study says that midlife memory lapses are a normal part of aging. The report will be available for review just as soon as the researchers can remember where they put it.

Congress has left for their seven week long summer vacation, leaving much important work unfinished. Mostly so they can campaign to get reelected by telling their constituents they need to be sent back to Congress to catch up on all the work that needs to be done.

Congress has left for their seven week long summer vacation, leaving much important work unfinished. The good news is that for seven weeks we will be able to relax knowing they can’t spend us any further into debt.

A study says red meat can increase the risk of kidney failure. Mostly for the men who can’t eat a steak dinner without washing it down with three six packs of beer.

A report says heroin spiked with an elephant sedative has led to an increase in overdoses. If dealers think users need heroin cut by elephant tranquilizers, why are they even giving them something as weak as heroin in the first place?

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have finalized their divorce. Apparently it took the court handling their case two years just to figure out what a “conscious uncoupling” even meant.

Vince Neil, Gary Busey and Wayne Newton are all making appearances in the fourth episode of the “Sharknado” series. Apparently it was a ratings ploy as those three were chosen as the ones viewers would most like to see eaten by a shark.

“So You Think You Can Dance” season four winner Joshua Allen has been charged with felony domestic violence. Which could lead to a new reality show called “So You Think You Can Survive Prison With All The Other Inmates Knowing You Won A TV Dance Show?”

72 year old Mick Jagger is having his eighth child. Apparently he wanted to have one more so his great granddaughter could have someone to play with.

Mick Jagger is having his eighth child. Which puts the timeline at Jagger being 72, his oldest child 45, his pregnant girlfriend 29 and his great granddaughter at 2. Even Michael Douglas is saying those numbers just don’t add up right.

Mick Jagger is having his eighth child at the age of 72. The good news is that the Rolling Stones frontman is leading a healthier life to make sure he is around long enough to see the child graduate grade school.

Phil Jackson says he wants the NBA to adopt a longer shot clock and a four point line. Mostly for the San Antonio Spurs whose players are too old to make it down the court any faster and are nearsighted to where they can’t see the basket clearly if they get any closer than 25 feet.

AT&T says it wants to be in charge of air traffic controlling for all drone flights across the country. Which could be a real headache, especially when Amazon and Domino’s drones are trying to deliver packages and pizzas while trying to avoid running into all the drones flown by neighborhood peeping toms.

A fast food restaurant in Australia has devised a holographic wrapper for french fries to scare away seagulls. Although nothing scares away the gulls like seeing someone eat some McDonald’s chicken McNuggets and knowing it might actually contain one of their siblings.

A report says Pokemon Go players are losing weight by walking around more and staying outside two hours longer than usual each day. Which means they are walking farther than between the couch and refrigerator and going outside for two hours a day.

A report says Pokemon Go players are losing weight walking around more. The report says the average weight loss is three pounds. Mostly from running at full speed for three miles being chased after wandering into the wrong part of town.

Microsoft admits it will miss its goal of having 1 Billion devices run by Windows 10 by 2018. Although they already beat the number run successfully by Vista when they made it up to device number three.

Google Search is trying to make it easier to vote in the November election. Mostly by helping voters figure out if it is Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton who will help destroy the country more slowly.

Bay Area businesses are backing a bill to make for equal pay for women and minorities. At least as long as they still get to keep the huge separation in pay between company executives and all the other workers.

Angry Birds 2 is celebrating its one year anniversary. Mostly by the three people who are still playing Angry Birds 2 instead of Pokemon Go.

A study says what a person posts on Instagram reveals how old they are. For one thing, if they even know what Instagram is they are probably under 20.

A study says what a person posts on Instagram reveals how old they are. The first clue they are older than everyone else using the site is if all their selfies are taken with their clothes still on.

A report says a fake Pokemon Go game takes over devices and secretly clicks on porn ads. Which for men means the device just goes back to doing what is was used for before anyone even heard of Pokemon Go.

A report says dangerous malware was discovered in the networks of an EU energy company. Or as most people know malware at their energy company, the computerized monthly billing system.

Researchers were surprised to find that 1.5 Million year old footprints show ancient humans walked like us. Especially the part that assumes  there are modern humans who still walk.

Researchers say that 1.5 Million year old footprints show that ancient humans walked like us. It also shows that even back then people were getting in trouble for tracking footprints into the house.

A report says the FDIC was hacked by China and it was covered up by the government. Mostly because it was only a concern to the three people who have enough money in their savings account to still actually be insured by the FDIC.

A report says that Pokemon Go could actually save shopping malls by bringing in more people. The only problem is the only people who still hang out at malls are the ones young enough to be playing Pokemon Go in the first place.

Egypt is displaying the world’s oldest papyrus that dates back 4,500 years detailing the daily life of the Pyramid builders. The part that was of most interest to researchers was that it appears to be a time sheet demanding Pharaoh pay  a union wage of time and a half for moving the stones on overtime.

Donald Trump says he picked Mike Pence as his running mate for party unity. In other words, Pence will hopefully offset all the damaged caused so far to the party by Trump.

Donald Trump claims that Mike Pence was his first choice for running mate. Mostly because he was the only one vetted who didn’t say “no thanks.”

Pokemon Go players in California found a dead body in a creek. It took a while for them to report it as at first they were celebrating because they instead thought they scored big points capturing a Charizard.

Jose Canseco has signed a contract with an independent baseball league to finish up the season as a pitcher. It will be the first time in his career that when he is talking about his “delivery,” it won’t mean the person bringing his steroids to the clubhouse.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! These jokes once again were conceived and written in Pittsburgh. Which makes it amazing that none of them features a punchline about the Pirates. My experience here has been pretty good, mostly because I have not done anything stupid like wearing a Raiders shirt around town. Looking forward to watching my daughter in her last day of competition at the Karate National Championships and driving back home this afternoon. It’s always good to get back home, especially when I check my e-mail and see that all of you took the time to remember to send the love!

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