Friday, July 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



A report says Donald Trump has picked Indiana Governor Mike Pence to be his running mate. The report says the choice was made after Trump tested their chemistry. Apparently it was different from the chemistry between him and Chris Christie, which was like adding the nitro to his glycerin.

A report says Donald Trump has picked Indiana Governor Mike Pence to be his running mate. Trump reportedly liked his demeanor, experience on Capitol Hill and the fact he actually had a normal haircut.

A report says the CIA has a team of psychics whose job it is to predict world events. Apparently the Agency has given up on that intelligence gathering thing and has been having much better results just going back to the writings of Nostradamus.

A report says the CIA has a team of psychics whose job it is to predict world events. The sad news is that the FBI keeps calling them to see if they can use a Ouija board or crystal ball to get the passcodes for any iPhones.

A space plane is being developed that can reportedly fly anywhere in the world in four hours. Which is actually turned into 15 hours when figuring in airport traffic, TSA security lines and airline flight cancellations.

Columbia University in New York is going to pay $9.5 Million to settle a fraud case. No one even had any idea they were teaming up to offer classes along with Trump University.

Columbia University in New York is going to pay $9.5 Million to settle a fraud case. Or as most people call fraud involving a college, paying off the tuition loans for a four year degree.

Alaska as set several record high temperatures this week. It is so unseasonably hot, the National Weather Service to describe conditions as ranging anywhere from “tepid” all the way to “balmy.”

Washington State will start putting warning labels on legalized marijuana products saying it is “not for kids.” They came up with the wording after realizing the Trix Rabbit wanted a bowl of that cereal all these years because he is a total stoner.

A couple is being accused of sending their three kids into the California desert as a punishment for their behavior. What’s worse is that the kids fell for it because their reading skills were so low they saw the signs and thought they were being taken out for dessert.

New British Prime Minister Theresa May has appointed as foreign secretary former London Mayor Boris Johnson who has a reputation for insulting people from other countries. Apparently she is covering all bases in that being a woman she can deal with Hillary Clinton as President and Johnson would get along just fine if it is Trump.

Russia has expelled a top broadcast official from their country. The move was done either as retribution against our policy in Syria, economic sanctions or as payback for Russian TV syndication of “The Kardashians.”

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is apologizing for “ill advised” criticism of Donald Trump. To which conservative critics from the George W. Bush Administration are saying the Supreme Court is not there to criticize presidential candidates, just pick them.

A group of 100 top tech executives has written a letter saying Donald Trump as President would be a “disaster for innovation.” Which isn’t completely true. The minute he takes over the White House there will be all kinds of gadgets appearing on the market to mute the volume in all electronic devices.

A report says Facebook is still struggling when it comes to workplace diversity. Apparently there are still a few women and minorities who got in there early on that they just can’t seem to get rid of.

Mattel has introduced a “President Barbie” who comes along with another female doll as Vice President. The dolls also come with their own presidential limousine, Secret Service agents and instructions for hiding their private e-mail server.

Levis made the winning bid of $147,000 for a jacket worn by Albert Einstein. Which is interesting as Einstein’s advice on how to become a genius was to “never do something stupid like paying $147,000 for a jacket.”

New Google emojis address gender disparities by portraying women as coders, musicians and doctors. The new gender friendly symbols mean both sexes can be equally as annoying by sending messages using emojis.

A study says income inequality is leading to more couples having children before they are married. The only question is how bad is income inequality when neither one of a couple has enough money to pay for a condom?

A top investment officer says that impact investing may be the solution to global problems. The only problem is that some people think impact investing means buying stock in Tesla after one of their cars is put into auto pilot.

BP is putting the total tab for the Gulf Oil Spill at $62 Billion. Which means the company has suffered in having to lost as much as three days’ profits to have to pay for the clean up.

A report says airlines have boosted their on time performances from last year. Which means at least two planes have made it to where they were going on schedule.

A report says airlines have boosted their on time performances from last year. Meaning that some of the flights that originated in 2015 have finally made it back to their destination.

Some Senators are calling for a probe of Airbnb and other home sharing websites. Which is ironic in that politicians on Capitol hill haven’t been able to figure out how to share anything in their own House since 1798.

The Mayor of Rio says he wants Pokemon Go to be played by people at the Olympics. The only problem is the recent announcement that Pikachu has now come down with the Zika virus.

The Mayor of Rio says he wants Pokemon Go to be played by people at the Olympics. The way things are going, there are so few Olympians scheduled to show up it could turn into a medal event.

The FCC has set the table for the development of 5G wireless services for wireless services. At least all the services except for AOL which is still rated as 4F.

Hillary Clinton is running an ad saying Donald trump is a bad role model for kids. Although what’s wrong with making children believe that even with a bad temper, orange skin and a bad haircut you can still have a chance at becoming President?

A report says that synthetic pot overdoses are on the rise in the U.S. Problems with synthetic marijuana are getting so bad that people are now being admitted into artificial rehab.

A study says being obese can lead to an early death. Which is surprisingly similar to the previously 5,000 studies that have all found exactly the same thing.

Scientists are predicting the Zika outbreak could be over in 2 to 3 years. In other words, just in time for something else to become a pandemic for the start of the 2020 Olympics.

The CDC is warning people of the dangers of going to the Dominican Republic for plastic surgery. Apparently there are numerous reports of women going in for facelift and a nose job and coming out looking like Manny Ramirez.

A study says extreme candidates become popular as a result of people becoming bored. Apparently with the upcoming election, citizens are just getting tired of the U.S. being number one in the world.

A study says couples with the same alcohol drinking habits are happier than when just one drinks. Especially when the one who drinks was driven to alcohol by the other.

A study says remodeling a home lived in by an elderly person can make falls less likely. Especially when the home is remodeled to be completely furnished over every square foot with nothing but bean bag cushions.

A study says normal weight is not a protection against diabetes. Especially for Americans where normal weight is now considered carrying around only 50 extra pounds.

A poll says 4 in 10 Americans think their work affects their health. The other 6 aren’t sure because they haven’t had a job since 2008.

A poll says 4 in 10 Americans think their work affects their health. Which is ironic for the ones who are only still working to make sure they have some kind of health insurance coverage.

Scientists have come up with the answer to how much marijuana is contained in a typical joint. Although that all depends on whether the scientists have any idea if they are dealing with a blunt, tulip or fatty.

Scientists have come up with the answer to how much marijuana is contained in a typical joint. Apparently it ranges from .43 gram or a box of Oreos to .66 gram or a large Domino’s pizza with everything on it.

A study says using cocaine and meth can mess with a person’s morals. Like the morals that tell them that it is illegal to use cocaine and meth.

A study says an early bedtime helps fight obesity in children. For one thing, getting kids into bed at 8:00 instead of 10:00 means two hours less time to stand in front of the refirigerator.

Tom Hiddleston is denying his romance with Taylor Swift is a publicity stunt. Although just the fact that he is talking about it to the press means that it is pretty much a publicity stunt.

Tom Hiddleston is denying his romance with Taylor Swift is a publicity stunt. Which could be true considering that absolutely nobody is asking who Tom Hiddleston is.

Tom Hiddleston is denying his romance with Taylor Swift is a publicity stunt. That doesn’t happen until after she dumps him and writes an album about it.

A report says Alex Rodriguez may go to work for Bank of America when he leaves baseball. Mostly because the bank is impressed with his experience, as having a $25 Million yearly salary makes him one of the few people who still has a savings account.

A report says Alex Rodriguez may go to work for bank of America when he leaves baseball. Apparently the bank is interested in having someone around whose performance, popularity and adherence to the rules actually makes the banks look good by comparison.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Still in Pittsburgh for the Karate National Championships. My daughter performed well in her events and she still has a couple to go. Despite being on the road, I am still cranking out the jokes for your pleasure. Or misery. Whatever the case may be. In the meantime, I just hope you are still taking the time to remember to keep on sending the love!