Thursday, July 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Taylor Swift’s former boyfriend blasted her after revelations of a post breakup song she wrote. Some should have informed him he used to date Taylor Swift.

A House coalition is fighting a rise in government surveillance. Apparently they don’t want to take away any resources from the continued surveillance they are doing on Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.

A study says half of all food purchased in the U.S. is thrown out. Which is good news as it would be inconceivable to imagine us all being twice as fat as we have already gotten.

A study says half of all food purchased in the U.S. is thrown out. That’s the half that includes the fruits, vegetables and anything else that doesn’t contain any salt, sugar or fat.

A study says that fat people are less intelligent than others. The only problem with the study was finding a control group that wasn’t morbidly obese for comparison.

A study says that fat people are less intelligent than others. Which means that people can take their own IQ tests by just using a bathroom scale.

A poll says that young Americans have a dim mood about the future. Which contradicts earlier thinking that younger people had no interest in watching any of the presidential debates.

Judge Judy is being sued in part over her $47 Million yearly salary. Which is good news for her that it barely gives her enough money to hire her own legal team.

A movie is being made of Stephen King’s book about an evil clown called “It.” Although some people are already confusing it with what they see every time they turn on C-SPAN.

Germany is selling 10 year bonds that have a negative yield. Although if people want to make an investment that takes their money, all they need to do is pour their money into Microsoft stock.

A 94 year old Indiana man has been awarded his 6th degree black belt in karate. Not only that, he has made a fortune in hand waxing cars bumper to bumper in less than 30 seconds.

Synthetic marijuana is being blamed for dozens of people in New York City stumbling around aimlessly with blank stares on their faces. In other words, they have finally succeeded in making the fake stuff just like the real thing.

Theresa May has become the first woman British Prime Minister since Margaret Thatcher. Apparently the English think it is good to have a woman who can smooth things over right after a nasty breakup.

Vice presidential hopeful Mike Pence says he has been “offered nothing” by Donald Trump. To which the rest of the country is saying “Tell us about it!”

The former CEO of Valeant Pharmaceutical has sold $100 Million worth of stock in the past two weeks. The good news is that the company is making a fortune selling antidepressants for the shareholders who are watching their portfolios tank from $100 Million of their stock being dumped on the market.

A report from the CDC says the Zika virus poses a low risk to the Rio Olympics. At least compared with the political unrest, high crime and worthless money they will also be dealing with in Brazil.

A report from the CDC says the Zika virus poses a low risk to the Rio Olympics. Mostly because half the Olympians and spectators who would normally be there have decided to stay home because of the Zika virus.

A study says that in the world’s advanced economies, two thirds of the population has seen their income stagnate. The only question is which countries still actually claim their economy is advanced?

The famed Four Seasons restaurant in New York City is closing after more than 50 years in business. Mostly because these days people are happy to eat food that is prepared with only one season. Salt.

Tesla is ending its resale guarantee policy in North America. Mostly because there isn’t much left to resell except for scrap metal once the driver puts their Tesla on auto pilot.

GM has reached a deal with a bankrupt parts supplier. Apparently the supplier went broke having to replace all the parts for each GM recall.

Pokemon Go has become the most downloaded game in U.S. history. The news left Candy Crushed, Birds Angry and Friends completely without Words.

A report says that Americans are using less cash than five years ago. Mostly because five years ago they still had a few dollars left over from what they lost back in 2008.

A study says that legalized marijuana is linked to fewer purchases of opioids. Mostly because the people smoking pot forgot where they put all their pharmaceutical prescriptions.

The FDA has approved the first of a new series of drugs for dry eye. Which won’t even be necessary once the patients break out in tears when they get their pharmacy bill.

Dr. Phil is suing the National Enquirer for $250 Million for an article accusing him of spousal abuse. Although anyone who watches his show know he saves his abuse for the people dumb enough to be one of his guest patients.

Linkin Park has become the first rock band to ever be promoted on a race car. Except for the band who tried to get some free advertising by naming themselves “Firestone.”

Selena Gomez has broken a record with a photo of her drinking a Coke becoming the most liked picture ever on Instagram. She passed the previous best of a picture of Justin Bieber throwing an egg.

Players are attributing a scoring surge in the WNBA to the “evolution of the game.” That and the fact that the game time clock has gone from 48 minutes to 3 hours.

A court has denied Tom Brady another hearing on “Deflategate.” Apparently the ruling was based on justice being blind and not being able to see the instant replay for the on field review.

An Oregon man kept playing his game of Pokemon Go despite being stabbed. Although he did learn that the next time Pikachu asks for your wallet, you had better give it to him.

A California woman has been sentenced for her part in a worldwide cybercrime scam. She was caught after being reported by a victim in Mississippi. Which shows she wasn’t very smart as she had the entire world to try to scam and ends up thinking she can get some money from someone in Mississippi.

A Gettysburg park ranger says people should avoid taking rocks from the site home as they are cursed. He may have a point. Records show that every soldier from the battle in 1863 have all since died.

Donald Trump says he will announce his running mate on Friday. Which means the only suspense left for the convention will be how long it takes him during his acceptance speech to go off the rails and say when he becomes President which countries he will declare war on first.

The President of Syria says U.S. presidents have put the country at a dangerous point. How bad is it when our foreign policies are being questioned by leaders in the Middle East?

A Republican state legislator in Tennessee is being investigated for sexually harassing 22 women. Or as that is known in Washington, D.C., getting prepared for an eventual run for Congress.

A study says national health care spending in the U.S. will surpass $10,000 per person in 2016. Which actually is more around $427 when you take away the amount of money spent on cosmetic surgery just by Cher.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am in Pittsburgh for the National Karate Championships watching my daughter Summer compete. For me it is just punch lines, not punches. I am getting too old to get in the ring. Actually, I was always too old. it just took me a couple of years to realize it. But I will never be too old to keep firing off the jokes. And I hope you all realize you are never past the age where you can still remember to always send the love!

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