Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Quentin Tarantino says he is going to make just two more films. The second movie will be a documentary about the person crazy enough to put money into letting him make the first.

Extra-marital affairs website Ashley Madison is relaunching with an ad promoting threesomes. The only problem is that users will have to be prepared for when the threesome turns out to be two men and a chatbot woman.

Extra-marital affairs website Ashley Madison is relaunching with an ad promoting threesomes and a slogan “Find your moment.” Which for most members will be the moment their wife finds out they are on the site and they lose half of what they own.

A report says that having frequent sex helps people stay slim. And vice versa.

A Florida woman crashed her car into a home while she was driving and praying with her eyes closed. Apparently the accident happened when she turned over the navigating to Dashboard Jesus and he was still busy texting.

A study says temporary nanotech “tattoos” on a person’s face can help track their emotions. The most common emotion in the experiment is embarrassment in walking around with other people thinking they are trying to look like Mike Tyson.

A judge has dismissed a lawsuit challenging New York City’s plan to turn old phone booths into Wi-Fi hotspots. The plaintiffs want to keep the old phone booths in their current capacity. Public urinals.

The President of Venezuela has put armed forces in charge of food distribution in the wake of shortages. The program has been called Operation Leggo My Eggo.

President Obama told an audience in Texas that “suffering produces perseverance.” Which finally explains why there are still so many die-hard Cubs fans.

France’s intelligence chief is predicting terrorists will be making attacks using booby-trapped cars. Fortunately, French military vehicles won’t be targeted as they are tough for terrorists to hijack since they only operate in reverse.

France’s intelligence chief is predicting terrorists will be making attacks using booby-trapped cars. Which means the most likely vehicle of choice they will be using for the attacks will be a Tesla in autopilot mode.

Major brewers in the U.S. will start adding nutrition labels to beer containers. There will be instructions that after drinking enough beer, the best way to read will be to look at the one in the middle.

Major brewers in the U.S. will start adding nutrition labels to beer containers. The beers will come with variable labels depending on whether each six pack is served along with the usual nachos, burgers or Buffalo wings.

J.P. Morgan Chase says it will be raising the pay for the company’s minimum wage workers. Which is good news for new brokers who will see their pre-bonus salary go from $6 Million to $8 Million a year.

A report says ride sharing startup Lyft is losing $50 Million a month. Which at this rate means they will have to reclassify themselves instead of competing with cab companies, they are more like a hitchhiking service.

Starbucks says it will be raising the price of some of their drinks. The good news is that many new locations will now be built in bank lobbies where customers can pay  their bills while they are taking out a second mortgage on their home.

Starbucks says it is offering employees more affordable health coverage that will cut costs by being less comprehensive. Like telling employees they can take lower doses of their anxiety meds and save money if they quit buying coffee at Starbucks.

Starbucks says it is offering employees more affordable health coverage that will cut costs by being less comprehensive. Which pretty much means when they get sick they can go to the doctor and get treated by paying cash.

A study says weight loss is linked to the amount of water a person drinks. Is that really true? If so, when is the last time anyone has ever seen a skinny whale?

A study says more than 100 drugs and supplements available over the counter are a risk to heart failure patients. Mostly because pretty much everything is not going to be much of a help to someone whose heart is failing.

A study says eating fruits and vegetables can boost a person’s happiness, but only after doing it two years. Mostly because that is how long it takes most people go back to a regular diet after getting sick of eating fruits and vegetables.

Scientists say a newly discovered dwarf planet takes 700 Earth years to orbit the Sun. Which means that if Larry King were to move there he would be celebrating just turning 5.

A study says 5% of people hoard antibiotics and use them without a doctor’s guidance. The other 95% are just hoping for the day they can get on a health care plan that actually covers the cost of them getting some antibiotics.

A study says 5% of people hoard antibiotics and use them without a doctor’s guidance. The rest just figure no matter what they have they can get through it much easier by hoarding and using their painkillers without a doctor’s guidance.

General Mills has recalled some Betty Crocker cake mixes because of contamination with E.coli. The sad part is that the E.coli is the healthiest ingredient in the box.

General Mills has recalled some Betty Crocker cake mixes because of contamination with E.coli. No one had any idea that Chipotle was going to start adding desserts to its menu.

Lamar Odom was reportedly kicked off a Delta plane flight for being drunk and repeatedly vomiting. Which sounds more like an audition for yet another spinoff from a former cast member of “The Kardashians.”

An Oklahoma man has pleaded guilty to robbing the family ranch of Reba McEntire. Fortunately police were able to arrive before the suspect was able to actually break into any of the trailers on the property.

The NBA has tweaked a rule to prevent the “Hack-a-Shaq” strategy to exploit poor free throw shooters. Which is different from how teams used to deal with people who had low free throw percentages. Make them practice more.

A report says Manny Pacquiao will be coming out of retirement in the fall. Apparently after his fight against Floyd Mayweather, he decided he would rather go out on a final fight where he actually tries to throw a few punches.

Apple is producing a new TV show about creating apps. Apparently it will air on the DIY network right after the show about watching paint dry.

The cofounder of Hyperloop One is suing the company claiming nepotism, assault, defamation and unlawful termination. Oh, wait, I think that was Gretchen Carlson’s lawsuit against Roger Ailes at Fox News Channel.

The cofounder of Hyperloop One is suing the company claiming nepotism, assault, defamation and unlawful termination. Or as that is called today, a job.

Angry parents say a robot at a California mall ran over their 16 month old child. The robot is five feet tall and weighs 300 pounds. Which can be a  problem for toddlers as most American children don’t get that big until they reach at least age 7.

McDonald’s says it is trying to bring high tech to its drive-thru windows to get people in and out faster. Which would be a lot easier if customers wouldn’t order enough food for ten people.

Scientists say a hidden fault could trigger a “megaquake” in Bangladesh, India or Myanmar. The only problem is that if a cataclysmic earthquake hit those areas, how could anyone tell?

The GOP has amended its platform to include Donald Trump’s proposal for a wall to be built on the U.S. Mexican border. Republicans stopped just short of his request calling for the death penalty for anyone violating the government policy on e-mails.

Vice presidential hopeful Mike Pence says electing Hillary Clinton would be “extremely careless.” Which pretty much ended his consideration when Trump heard that and said “That’s as nasty, vile and obnoxious as you can get?”

House Speaker Paul Ryan has asked Donald Trump to pick a conservative running mate. Which will take care of party supporters who are still trying to figure out what Donald Trump is.

Former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard David Duke says he is considering a run for Congress in Louisiana. Although the people of Louisiana say if he was really serious about representing them his title wouldn’t have a “former” in front of it.

Former Ku Klux Klan grand wizard David Duke says he is considering a run for Congress in Louisiana. The only problem is getting the necessary endorsement from the “Duck Dynasty” family who are thinking they might not be ready to support someone so liberal.

RNC delegates are debating the definition of “binding” ahead of the convention. Although to most people, binding is the word that comes to mind when they combine the thought of eating cheese and the look on Donald Trump’s face.

The Pentagon says it has severed its relationship with its longtime propaganda contractor in Afghanistan. Although he didn’t do as bad a job there as the attempts to make the people here support the idea of the war in Afghanistan.

The Pentagon says it has severed its relationship with its longtime propaganda contractor in Afghanistan. Apparently the contractor found a much more lucrative position which will become available just as soon as Donald Trump seals up the Republican presidential nomination.

The FBI has officially closed the file on the 1971 D.B. Cooper hijacking case. Apparently they need all their resources to prepare to instead spend the next 45 years by order of congressional Republicans investigating Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Did you watch the MLB All-Star Game last night? Me neither. If I wanted to watch overpaid players in a meaningless game in San Diego, I would just subscribe to the Padres Internet channel. I am off to Pittsburgh for the Karate National Championships in which my daughter will be taking part. I will be sitting on the sidelines. Mostly because I want to keep writing the jokes which is hard while sitting in a full body cast. So keep logging in, and more importantly make sure to keep remembering to always send the love!


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