Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The University of Cincinnati has a new policy that requires faculty and staff applicants pledge their commitment to “diversity and inclusion.” Although the administration can still just stick to their vow to take students for every dime they make over the next 40 years.

Plane builder Bombardier has designed a passenger jet with wider seats for overweight passengers. Apparently it will be used for flights that go back and forth between the U.S. and Canada.

Experts say California is ill-prepared for the “big one” earthquake. Although they are even less able to try to keep up their mortgage payments on an $800,000 house on a sole income consisting of an unemployment check.

Experts say California is ill-prepared for the “big one” earthquake. Mostly because the people there were spending too much time trying to figure out how to get through the usual cycle of drought, wildfires and flooding.

Experts say California is ill-prepared for the “big one” earthquake. So how hard can it be to practice screaming at the top of your lungs while finding a doorway to stand under?

Facebook is being sued for $1 Billion by a legal team claiming the social network is a tool for terrorists to get their message out. Their key evidence is all the cat videos that are posted every day with felines wearing suicide bombing vests.

A Tesla car reportedly ran off the road in Montana and crashed while using its autopilot system. Apparently the problem has to do with Tesla cars in Montana being programmed to look for other vehicles instead of cows, elk and moose.

A Tesla car reportedly ran off the road in Montana and crashed while using its autopilot system. Which is confounding Tesla’s engineers as being in Montana it wasn’t like there was another car within 50 miles of the crash scene.

A study says that eating fruits and vegetables can increase people’s happiness level. Mostly from not having to hang out any more with and talk to the other people waiting in line at McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Taco Bell.

Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry reportedly became ill on stage during a concert at Coney Island on Sunday. People in the audience who demanded a refund after he left were told to “Dream On.”

Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry reportedly became ill on stage during a concert at Coney Island on Sunday. It was the biggest health scare during an event at Coney Island that didn’t involve people getting an hour to shove dozens of hot dogs down their throats.

California Governor Jerry Brown is looking to extend climate change efforts past when he leaves office. Mostly because he has seen the effects himself, having taken the office in his first term during the Paleozoic Era.

A report says that half the nation’s childcare workers need government assistance. Mostly for the mental health treatment they need after working 40 hours every week at a daycare.

A report says that half the nation’s childcare workers need government assistance. Which is still better than the 90% of people who need government assistance to get by at just about any other job that is out there.

A South Korean government official is in trouble for saying “99% of his countrymen” are like “pigs and dogs.” To which the people of Korea are saying “Why is he calling us lunch?”

A report says laws require most marijuana dispensaries to be cash only, which makes them susceptible to being robbed. You know it has gotten bad when people selling weed are remembering the good old days when it was more safe to deal pot on the street corners.

A report says laws require most marijuana dispensaries to be cash only, which makes them susceptible to being robbed. The only problem is finding anyone who smokes pot who actually has a credit card, debit card or checking account.

It may soon be possible to buy insurance with just a swipe on a smartphone. Which would be ironic for the people who decide they had better update their auto insurance with their cellphone after crashing into a tree because they were texting behind the wheel.

A report says Serena Williams’ Wimbledon Tennis victory could be worth $400,000 less because of Brexit. It’s the biggest threat of deflation at the All England Club since Tom Brady was rumored to be seen letting the air out of all the tennis balls.

Starbucks has announced higher pay and a looser dress code for their workers. Which means your barista will now have even more money to spend on tattoos and piercings which they can now proudly display while dipping their fingers into your large mocha latte.

A study says that children who bite their fingernails are less prone to being allergic to dust mites, grass and fungi. Mostly because they are immune after ingesting all the dust mites, grass and fungi that live under their fingernails.

A report says that 88% of tech workers in Silicon Valley say they plan to leave their current employer. Which pretty much happens whether they want it to or not right around the time they turn 30.

A report says that 88% of tech workers in Silicon Valley say they plan to leave their current employer. The other 12% are the women and minority employees who managed to get work in Silicon Valley and know there is absolutely no chance of beating the odds by that much twice.

Adidas is suing Skechers for reportedly stealing their shoe designs. No one had any idea that Adidas had a line of footwear featuring hearts, puppies and unicorns.

Denny’s has announced a new pancake recipe they claim is better than anything customers can make at home. The only problem is with people who would rather eat pancakes that aren’t as good at home so they don’t have to go into a Denny’s.

An Italian couple lost custody of their toddler after doctors claimed the child was malnourished from being fed a vegan diet. Although in defense of the parents, it was only because doctors had never before seen a toddler with a BMI under 40.

A study says that women doctors earn less than men. If women physicians want to make as much as men, they will just have to recommit and go back to school, work hard and put in the expense and effort to become a plastic surgeon.

A study says the way to get closer to someone is to eat the same kind of food they do. Because what better way to show you really love someone than trying to keep down a plateful of their favorite lutefisk?

A study says the way to get closer to someone is to eat the same kind of food they do. The only problem is when their favorite food is McDonald’s and after a couple of months trying to get close enough to even be able to fit inside the same room.

A group of U.S. scientists were able to restore sight nerves that allowed blind mice to see again. The team will now start working on a way to restore their tails that were cut off with a carving knife.

Taylor Swift made the top of the Forbes list of highest paid celebrities. The biggest fear now of her agent and managers is that someday she will settle down with one man and get married which will drop her income straight down to zero.

Chaka Khan has reportedly entered rehab because of an addiction to painkillers. Apparently she started using them after getting repeatedly injured tripping over her hair.

Tim Duncan of the San Antonio Spurs has retired after 19 seasons. Apparently he waited this long so he wouldn’t be penalized for continuing to work until after he qualified for full Social Security benefits.

Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green has been arrested on assault charges following a fight in a restaurant. People were surprised at the news. It was the first time they had ever heard of an athlete or entertainer arrested for fighting in a restaurant that wasn’t a Waffle House.

Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green has been arrested on assault charges following a fight in a restaurant. Apparently it started when one of the customers tried to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on Green because he watched Game 7 of the NBA Finals and was afraid he was still choking.

A Chinese man won the grand prize in a contest for the best photo taken with an iPhone. The man was declared the winner as he was the only one whose entry wasn’t a selfie.

Consumer Reports says Samsung’s Galaxy S7 is not waterproof as claimed. Apparently Samsung was just banking that most people would be too embarrassed to try to get a refund and admitting they dropped their phone into the toilet.

Harley Davidson motorcycles are being investigated for having brake failures. Which isn’t too much of a problem as most the bikes anymore are ridden by men over 80 who never go over 20 MPH and don’t need their brakes in the first place.

The GOP has adopted a platform amendment calling porn a “menace to public health.”  Which the punishment will consist of making sure they can’t get any treatment for the affliction once they also repeal Obamacare.

Youtube is planning an online TV service that will include programming from ESPN, ABC and CBS. Although including CBS wasn’t really necessary except for their three viewers who have actually ever even heard of Youtube.

Google is planning to train 2 Million mobile app developers in India. Which means there will soon be 2 Million new apps available to order a Slim Jim and Slurpee with your smartphone at every 7-Eleven within a 50 mile radius.

MIT researchers are working on a robot that will be able to deliver babies. The tricky part is installing the Swiss Army knife that will help with the incision for the C- Section, cutting the placenta, and performing the circumcision right on the spot.

MIT researchers are working on a robot that will be able to deliver babies. Women who are not on board with the idea need to make sure when they are admitted into the maternity ward, their OB-GYN isn’t named “Dr. Watson.”

MIT researchers are working on a robot that will be able to deliver babies. The thing to worry about is when your HMO gets the same idea and decides to try it by refurbishing the robot that used to be in charge of installing the driver’s side doors at the Ford factory in Detroit.

A report says that Donald Trump will announce his running mate Thursday or Friday. Which points to Chris Christie as the favorite as it would have been done on Tuesday except that is family discount night at the Hometown Buffet.

House Speaker Paul Ryan has lost an attempt to block Hillary Clinton from receiving intelligence briefings. Which is no big deal since most of the intelligence work being looked at by Congress is all about the evidence they ordered to gather against Hillary in the first place.

An official with Bernie Sanders says the campaign is not over yet. At least not until Sanders is given full discount on his room at the Democratic National Convention with his AARP card.

Jeb Bush says the people will feel “betrayed” by Donald Trump. Which isn’t true. The American public that has been subjected to Trump’s self-promotion agenda over the past 40 years should have no problem by now knowing exactly what they are in for.

Donald Trump says he is the “Law and Order candidate.” Mostly because he has always liked that program more than his other favorite detective shows of “Columbo,” “Matlock” and “Perry Mason.”

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer is calling for an overhaul to restore trust in Congress. Which is a good idea, except for the fact that at this point he is somewhere around 227 years too late.

House Minority Whip Steny Hoyer is calling for an overhaul to restore trust in Congress. To which most people who heard the news said they wonder what he is really up to?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am out of here for a few days but do not fear: I will still be writing the blog. Now you can fear. I am headed up to Pittsburgh where my daughter will be competing in the Karate National Championships. I would have signed up but I am not sure if there is still a geezer division. I will take my computer with me and will still be cranking out the jokes, so make sure to check in as usual. Also, a reminder that since I will be in Pittsburgh it may require all of you to double the dose when it comes to sending the love!


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