Sunday, July 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says there are six basic plots to every book, film and TV show ever made. To which the producers of Adam Sandler movies are saying “What's a plot?”

A study says there are six basic plots to every book, film and TV show ever made. Which means “Three’s Company” could have gone on for another 20 years if the writers had known there was more than just one plot line.

Scientists say they are on the verge of creating a computer with emotions that can think like and bond with humans. Which would be great for men who would finally have someone to watch online porn with.

Scientists say they are on the verge of creating a computer with emotions that can think like and bond with humans. Which would be ironic in that people would then no longer have to be on their computer 90% of the time looking for someone they can chat with or date.

The Bahamas has issued a travel advisory to citizens thinking of going to the U.S. The warnings are for the threat of being interrogated, humiliated and personally violated. And that’s just in the TSA security line when they are flying back home.

A report says that freedom is receding around the world. There was a lot more to the report but most of it couldn’t be read as it was redacted with black marking ink.

A Delta Airlines flight landed at the wrong airport in South Dakota over the weekend. Which brings up the question is there a right airport to land at in South Dakota?

Hillary Clinton is rejecting the claim she was careless with her e-mail account. She says the only thing she will admit to being careless about was picking a husband.

A report says Johnny Manziel jerseys were on sale in a store in Pennsylvania for $1.99. In truth, it turns out the $1.99 was actually the amount of his latest offer from another NFL team to wear their jersey as quarterback.

Italy’s foreign minister says Brexit may still not happen as the country may change its mind. Although the one thing that could still make it happen is the people of the UK being afraid staying in the EU could make their economy end up like Italy’s.

North Korea reportedly fired a sub-based ballistic missile. Although it was considered unsuccessful as after it shot 50 feet into the air there was no “bang” or sparklers.

North Korea reportedly fired a sub-based ballistic missile. Apparently they finally overcame the problem of being able to develop a fuse that could be lit underwater to make it work.

Elizabeth Holmes from Theranos has been banned by federal regulators from running a blood work lab for two years. Which is no big deal since that will at least give the company just enough time to finish up the results of some the tests their patients are currently waiting on.

A report says Twitter traffic from the Islamic State has dropped off by 45% in the past two years. Apparently the terrorists are much more into sending selfies and vacation pictures to each other on Snapchat and exchanging recipes on Pinterest.

One winning ticket for the $540 Million Mega Millions lottery was reportedly sold in Indiana. The good news is that the total net worth of Indiana just doubled over the weekend.

A Chinese official is warning that the global economic outlook is still looking grim. At least for all the other countries that China is stealing jobs from to make counterfeit goods they can sell back in those same countries for a fraction of the price.

A Chinese official is warning that the global economic outlook is still looking grim. Apparently even China is running out of six year olds to be able to staff all the factories making the Nike shoes that fuel their economy.

The TSA is cheering itself for cutting wait times in airport security lines over the 4th of July weekend. The only problem is that the lines were still made up of passengers trying to get back home from their Memorial Day vacations.

A “Star Trek” fan in Florida has spent $1.5 Million turning his home theater into a replica of the USS Enterprise. It would have been even more but fortunately he had to only spend enough money to install one seat.

Ride sharing site Lyft is introducing a new feature that will allow people to book rides in luxury cars. Which at Uber, passengers consider it a ride in a luxury car when their driver shows up in anything other than a Prius.

A report says Ashley Madison threatened users who disputed bills with lawsuits that would expose their accounts to their wives. Fortunately for the members, the fake lawsuits filed by fake lawyers in fake courts were just as fake as the available women on Ashley Madison.

A company in Illinois has reportedly developed a box that can analyze crime scene evidence in two minutes. Before that, the fastest that evidence could be handled by a box was an hour including commercial breaks with a TV set tuned in to “CSI.”

A report says the U.S. added 287,000 jobs in June. The bad news is that most of those were for positions at the Unemployment office, soup kitchens and helping out at homeless shelters.

A report says the U.S. added 287,000 jobs in June. The bad news is that most of the job descriptions included working a cash register, stacking packs of Slim Jims on shelves and cleaning out a Slurpee machine.

The E! Network is adding a new show to its lineup called “Botched By Nature.” Which by the title everyone mistakenly assumed was just another spinoff of “The Kardashians.”

A new song written by Calvin Harris called “Ole” is rumored to be about his former girlfriend Taylor Swift. Which is insult to injury for Swift who finds out not only has Harris dumped her, but he has also stolen her business model.

Researchers at Microsoft and the University of Washington have broken a record, storing 200mb of data on DNA strands. Which ironically means they can now store a porn movie on the very DNA that the movie caused in the first place.

The Juno spacecraft orbiting Jupiter has broken the record for the fastest spacecraft ever at 165,000 MPH. Up until now, the fastest on record was pretty much most of NASA’s rockets which reached speeds of nearly 100,000 MPH right before landing.

A report says that Apple’s stock dropped 21% last year and may not recover until 2017. Which not coincidentally is when Apple is planning to get some interest back in the company with the release of the iPhones 7,8,9 and 10.

A study says prehistoric tattoos were made using volcanic glass tools. Apparently the first tattoo ever found on the remains of a caveman was the word “GEICO.”

A study says prehistoric tattoos were made using volcanic glass tools. Not only that, but the caveman who sported the first tattoo in history was also reportedly the first person on record with a case of Hepatitis C.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says the next President will probably be making several appointments to the top court. Mostly because if the President is Hillary Clinton and we still have a Republican Senate she can make a thousand appointments of which none will be confirmed.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says the next President will probably be making several appointments to the top court. Mostly because if the economy continues to improve, some of the judges will finally be able to retire before they reach triple digits.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says the next President will probably be making several appointments to the top court. Which is what happens when you have a group of nine people where only three are still younger than 90.

A report says that Democrats have changed their platform to include calling for a $15 an hour minimum wage. Although it won’t officially go into effect until after the election so they won’t actually have to pay the people working the Democratic National Convention a livable wage.

Florida Democratic congresswoman Corrine Brown has pleaded not guilty to charges of fraud. Apparently her defense as that a member of Congress she doesn’t do fraud, just kickbacks, payoffs and bribes.

Hillary Clinton addressed recent shootings, calling for an end to hateful rhetoric. She says that should stay where it belongs, between the candidates running for President.

An analyst says that Hillary Clinton has a 75% chance of winning the November election but that could change if the economy goes south. Which is a Catch-22 for Donald Trump whose best chance of seeing the economy melt down and become President is to be elected and implement his economic policies.

A conservative watchdog group says it wants Hillary Clinton to testify under oath about her use of a private e-mail server. To which she says she would much rather do an online chat, Twitter or texting.

Former Alabama House Speaker Mike Hubbard has been sentenced to four years in prison for violating the state’s ethics laws. Being caught for violating Alabama’s ethics laws is about as hard to do as being charged with illegal gun activity in Texas.

The world’s oldest priest at age 107 says a strict daily routine is the secret to a long life. At the very least it will make it feel like a lot longer than it really is.

The world’s oldest priest at age 107 says a strict daily routine is the secret to a long life. Which apparently includes a dinner consisting of vegetables, bread and fruit with an altar boy for dessert.

Hugh Hefner declares victory in the sexual war against Republicans. Which is a tough loss to take against a 90 year old whose soldier only responds to the command “at ease.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A belated “Happy Birthday!” to my daughter Summer who turned 17 on Thursday. It seems like just yesterday I remember the constant screaming, crying and stream of tears. That was me getting the hospital bill after she was born. She has turned into a fine young woman who is doing well in school, is a talented artist and piano player and a black belt in Karate. All this after losing her mother when she was only 11. She has taken some tough luck and turned it into some real success and I am very happy to have her around. She is always in a good mood and ready to laugh and have fun. I can’t imagine life without here. I love her very much and am trying to make the most of the next year before she is off to college. And the screaming, crying and streaming of tears starts all over once I get the bill for her tuition. The one thing that can always help in dealing with the adversity is when you all remember to take the time to remember to always make sure to send the love!


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