Friday, July 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former London Mayor Boris Johnson says he will not run for Prime Minister. Apparently he is worried about the fallout from Brexit, working with Parliament and most of all having his messy blond hairdo confuse him with Donlad Trump.

The TSA says it may take security checkpoints outside of airport terminals to parking garages and curbside. The good news is for people who are in a hurry who can just drive to the airport naked and go through the drive-thru strip search.

The FDA says that eating raw cookie dough is not safe. The only thing worse for people is eating the cookie dough after it has been properly baked into cookies.

A report says that smugglers are using Uber to sneak migrants in across the border. The first sign something is wrong is when the Uber driver instead of opening the door for the passengers is asked to pop the trunk.

A study says the hole in the ozone layer over Antarctica is healing. The good news is that anyone planning a vacation there will now only have to protect themselves against sunburn by bringing along sunscreen with an SPF of -30 to -24.

A survey says that Millennials tend to be too confident with their investing skills. Especially the ones who think they are going to be able to retire by someday selling their entire collection of Nintendo video games.

A survey says that Millennials tend to be too confident with their investing skills. Although it is hard to lose too much money in the market buying stocks with whatever is left over after expenses from an $8.35 an hour job at 7-Eleven.

An economist says that China may like Donald Trump more than Hillary Clinton as President, considering him an “interesting opportunity.” Mostly because they figure they only have something in common with someone whose first order of business is surrounding the entire country with a wall.

A study says that most colleges don’t require history majors to study American history. Mostly because it’s embarrassing to show students how far the country has sunk over the past 35 years.

A study says that most colleges don’t require history majors to study American history. Mostly so the students don’t find out how historically unlikely it is to get a job with a history degree.

A report says that support for statehood in Puerto Rico is growing. Mostly because after defaulting on their $70 Billion debt they feel they help out by showing the people in Washington, D.C. how to be more fiscally responsible.

A study says the lowest suicide rates by profession are by teachers, educators and librarians. For the librarians it is mostly because they won’t shoot themselves unless they have access to a silencer.

A tennis ball sized diamond failed to get the minimum bid of $70 Million at a London auction. Apparently now that Kobe Bryant is retired and not on the road anymore, he doesn’t have to keep restocking his collection of “I’m sorry” makeup jewelry.

The California Attorney General is investigating oil refineries for reportedly raising gasoline prices artificially. The oil companies say there was nothing artificial about it. Those prices went up by a completely natural process of whenever company executives needed a new vacation home in a different part of the world.

A study says the highest suicide rates by profession belong to farmers, lumberjacks and fishermen. Which completely refutes the traditional beliefs that people are most relaxed while gardening, working in the yard and fishing.

A report says student federal loan rates are dropping from 4.29% down to 3.76%. Which is good news for all the college students who will now be able to pay off all their tuition loans in just 38 years instead of 40.

Research shows that 55% of Americans forfeit at least some of their time off at work. Mostly because they need to put in the extra time at the office to make up for the hours they sit at their desk Facebooking, tweeting and looking at online porn.

Research shows that 55% of Americans forfeit at least some of their time off at work. The other 45% need to use all their vacation and comp time so they can show up at the other three jobs they are working to make ends meet.

A report says U.S. traffic fatalities over the 4th of July weekend are expected to be at their highest level since 2008. Mostly because the economy has gotten better since then where people can now actually drive their cars instead of using them to live in.

A study says bullying and excessive Internet use can increase the risk of teen suicide. Mostly because there is nothing more depressing than going online inside the privacy of your own room only to find the local bullies have e-mailed instructions on how to give yourself a wedgie.

Nielsen says that the average American spends 11 hours a day looking at screens. The other 13 hours are spent trying to figure out what to say in case of the rare event where they may actually have to talk to someone face to face.

A study says that men face a greater risk of cardiac arrest than women. Especially the moment when their wife shows them that she just figured out their password and sees who they have been chatting with on Facebook.

A study says that dogs may be able to detect when diabetic patients have low blood sugar. Usually right after the dog has discovered where their owner has been hiding their cookies and eats them all.

A study says that dogs may be able to detect when diabetic patients have low blood sugar by smelling their breath. Mostly when they take a whiff and don’t detect the usual odor of pie, cake and candy.

A study says the death rate is increasing for middle aged white Americans. Mostly the ones supporting Donald Trump whose blood pressure spikes every time they hear him give a speech.

A study says that high body fat and not Body Mass Index is linked to a higher death rate. You know your body fat level is high when lying out in the Sun you don’t get sunburned but rather sautéed from all the butter dripping out through your pores.

A paper says that people who eat six meals a day have better cholesterol and insulin levels than those who eat meals at variable frequency. Especially the ones who have it down to just one meal a day that starts at 7 AM and goes right through Midnight.

Disney says it is planning a sequel to the animated movie “Wreck-It Ralph.” Apparently it will be voiced over by English actors as Ralph will be a metaphor for Parliament and “Wreck-it” is just a slight pronunciation away from “Brexit..”

Paul Simon says he is ready to retire from the music business. People were surprised at the news. Paul Simon is still working?

Paul Simon says he is ready to retire from the music business. Upon hearing the news, Art Garfunkle says he also considered retirement, but realized if he stops working who will sweep the floors every night at the neighborhood Walgreens?

Scarlett Johansson has been named as Hollywood’s top grossing actress. Although the top spot for Hollywood’s most grossing actress still goes to Rosie O’Donnell.

Lindsay Lohan says she is writing a book on how to overcome obstacles. Especially those pedestrians who keep slowing her down when they end up underneath her vehicle.

Johnny Manziel has been suspended four games by the NFL for violating the league’s drug policy. The hard part is finding a team desperate enough to actually try to let Manziel play in four games.

Johnny Manziel has been suspended four games by the NFL for violating the league’s drug policy. Which finally shows that the NFL rules system equates going on a three year bender with letting the air out of a half dozen footballs before a game.

Johnny Manziel has been suspended four games by the NFL for violating the league’s drug policy. Which means that if O.J. Simpson tried to make a comeback, he would have to sit out a handful of games for being a little too aggressive off the field.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made $32 Million in 2015, down from the $34.1 Million he took home the year before. Which shows that Tom Brady is not the only person in the league suffering the effects of deflation.

A report says that malware that secretly installs porn apps to phones is infecting devices by the millions. At least that is how it is being explained to wives across the country who saw what their husbands have been looking at on their cellphones.

A study says that 83% of Millennials now use credit cards. Apparently they figure if they are going to be paying off their government student tuition loan for the next 40 years, what’s wrong with having the same relationship with the people over at Visa?

A report says that women and minorities still lag over at Google. It became apparent when the company employment applications’ section asking about gender and ethnicity only have boxes available to check for male, white and Asian.

Crystal Pepsi, a clear cola drink that failed back in the 1990s is coming back this summer. The only problem for Pepsi is that without the caramel coloring they will have to actually start making it using only clean water.

A Republican delegate from Pennsylvania says he plans to carry a Glock 9mm pistol during the event. Although officials are telling people they don’t have to be armed as there will be enough ammunition flying every time Donald Trump speaks and shoots himself in the foot.

Donald Trump is reportedly vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. Apparently Trump is impressed with Christie’s background, strong personality and his ability to make puppy eyes every time Trump speaks.

A Fox poll shows that fewer Americans say they are proud of their country. What’s even worse is that the ones who are proud are the ones already calling Canada their home in anticipation of moving there when Donald Trump is elected President.

The Republican National Convention will permit real guns to be carried but not water pistols. Mostly because getting shot is nowhere near as dangerous as the threat of being squirted by whatever is in the water supply coming out of Lake Erie.

Dame Judi Dench got her first tattoo at age 81. We can only hope she didn’t get influenced by watching “The Kardashians” and is also planning to rejuvenate her career by releasing a sex tape.

A study says that Americans spend almost half their food budget on restaurants. People were shocked. Looking at most Americans, it’s hard to believe that anyone actually buys their food using a budget.

A study says that Americans spend almost half their food budget on restaurants. The other half is for when they are at home sitting on the couch playing video games and need something more nutritious like ice cream, cookies and soft drinks.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I know I spend my time on this blog with my attempts at being funny. But once in awhile I make the effort here to be a bit more serious. Not often, but in this case I am making an exception. Relief efforts are still going on in the wake of the disastrous West Virginia flooding last week. I have been asking you, my great readers to donate anything if they can but there really wasn’t a site collecting money, just food and supplies. However, tonight there is a telethon that will be streaming live on wchstv.com from 7-9 PM (Eastern) where you can log in and chip in a few dollars if you wish to help out the people who have lost most or all of what they own to the flood waters. I appreciate your help in advance, and wish you all a happy 4th of July weekend. I will be taking off Monday and probably Tuesday to recharge my batteries so I will see you Wednesday. If you manage to send in a donation, let me know and I will give you a shout out on the blog. It is the best way to show you care and want to make the effort to really send the love!


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