Thursday, June 09, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



The National Enquirer says Richard Simmons has been living as a woman. Which is big news to anyone coming out of a coma they have been in since 1988.

A Homeland Security official in Washington, D.C. says residents should have a plan in case of an evacuation crisis. Although there usually isn’t a widespread panic to get out of the city until Congress takes their annual summer recess in August.

A simulated large scale terrorist attack is set for this weekend at Fenway Park in Boston. Or as Red Sox fans know that, a homestand against the Yankees.

Tennis star Maria Sharapova has been suspended for two years for using an illegal substance. It’s unfortunate for her that the head of tennis isn’t Roger Goodell or she would be back on the court after a two week layoff.

Tennis star Maria Sharapova has been suspended for two years for using an illegal substance. Suspicions were raised about her drug use when she played a match and the screams she yells out when she hits the ball could only be heard two miles away.

A nude restaurant has opened in London that doesn’t allow clothing or even electronic devices. The food is described as average, the ambiance drab, but people just want to experience a meal that isn’t interrupted by everyone else around them spending the entire time talking on their cellphones.

A doctor in the San Francisco area is planning to start an end-of-life practice. Of course, the only stipulation is that all the patients have to pay in advance.

A doctor in the San Francisco area is planning to start an end-of-life practice. Or as that is already known across most the rest of the country, an HMO.

A flight attendant on American Airlines was recorded telling a passenger to shut up over a dispute involving pasta. People were shocked. How did that flier rate an inflight meal in the economy section?

A flight attendant on American Airlines was recorded telling a passenger to shut up over a dispute involving pasta. To which the carrier has apologized, saying since it was Italian food the flier should have been told to “shuttupa you face!”

Staten Island in New York is planning on giving wild deer vasectomies to control overpopulation. The only problem is training them how to sit for several days on those doughnut pillows.

Staten Island in New York is planning on giving wild deer vasectomies to control overpopulation. Although it would have gone a lot smoother if they had waited like most doctors to do the procedures during March Madness when the deer are just sitting around anyway watching TV all day.

“Basic income” advocates in San Francisco will pay a man $1,250 a month to do nothing. Fortunately, the man isn’t a baseball fan or he would point out that Alex Rodriguez doesn’t do anything and walks out with $21 Million a year.

“Basic income” advocates in San Francisco will pay a man $1,250 a month to do nothing. Mostly because $1,250 a month in San Francisco is just enough money to be able to afford to do absolutely nothing.

Church members in Illinois claim they have seen the image of the Virgin Mary in a tree. The sighting is being given special religious significance as it is the first report of ever seeing one of the Holy Trinity on any object other than a piece of toast.

Donald Trump has reportedly softened his tone after clinching the Republican nomination. People following the candidate say he has moved from insults and threats to simply taunting all his opponents.

Taco Bell is holding its Beefy Crunch Burrito “hostage” from the menu until it receives enough Instagram “likes.” As opposed to the hostage situations that usually take place in the restaurant where a Chalupa forces a customer to be trapped inside the restroom for hours at a time.

A report says the world set a record for fossil fuel consumption last year. Which was just nice to see the human population for once set a consumption record that didn’t involve junk food, alcohol or cigarettes.

Casino magnate Steve Wynn mocked Millennial customers, calling them “dim witted.” Apparently he is upset they don’t spend much money gambling, especially the ones who can only find jobs working in his casinos where he will never pay them more than the minimum wage.

President Obama vetoed an attempt to undo a retirement savings rule. Which is good news for the seven people who actually have enough money in their 401(k) accounts to even think of retiring before they turn 90.

President Obama vetoed an attempt to undo a retirement savings rule. Mostly because he realized that in seven months he will be out of work and will need something to get him through the next 12 years until his he finally eligible to collect Social Security.

The NFL conducted a mini-camp to help players with their personal finances so they don’t end up broke when they leave the game. As opposed to Johnny Manziel who is in the process of losing everything he had before he even got started.

Cher is suing a financial firm claiming they defrauded her out of $800,000. She says doing business with them cost her an arm and a leg, which was money she needs for a new arm and leg.

A poll says that half of all unemployed Americans have given up looking for work. The rest were hoping the first group would find a job and then take it when they were inevitably laid off.

A study says that standing is healthier for people than sitting even if they don’t walk around. Especially when they stand up with the only intention of walking into the kitchen to get some cookies and another soda.

A study says that moving may increase the risk of children developing mental health and behavioral problems later in life. Especially for children who are uprooted from a home in Beverly Hills, California and shipped across the country to live in Alabama.

A study says that children with ADHD don’t sleep as well as other kids. Mostly because they just can’t seem to concentrate to count more than three sheep at a time.

A study says that married people are more likely to survive a heart attack and leave the hospital sooner than single people. Especially the ones whose spouse has health insurance and are able to actually get some doctors to stop by and give them some treatment.

The animated movie “Batman: The Killing Joke” is set to be released in movie theaters for a one day showing. Or as Adam Sandler calls having a movie play in a theater for a single day, a record run.

Axl Rose says he is working on putting out new music with both Guns N’ Roses and AC/DC. The only question is whether any new releases will be coming out on vinyl record, CD or cassette tape.

A study by Netflix says the average binge viewer goes through an entire season of a series in four days. Which is accomplished with the help of seven pizzas, four gallons of ice cream and five liters of soda.

39 year old Vince Carter of the Memphis Grizzlies has been named the “Teammate of the Year.” Mostly because at his age he is too old to do anything but stand in one place and pass the ball to everyone else.

Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan says LeBron James could play tight end in the NFL. Especially after watching him play basketball and seeing there is no one who gets any tighter in the final two minutes.

A report says that people are trying to sell the free tickets they got to attend Muhammad Ali’s funeral. Those are the people who truly put the “Dope” in Rope-a Dope.

Snoop Dogg threw out the first pitch at a Padres game at Petco Park that sailed way wide. Apparently he wasn’t sure which of the three catcher’s mitts he was seeing that he was supposed to throw at.

Nike has reinstated Maria Sharapova even after she was suspended from playing tennis for two years. Apparently she will now endorse the shoes for her interim job as school crossing guard.

Stephen Curry says he doesn’t care about winning the playoff MVP award as long as it goes to a Warrior. Which is nice of him to give everyone else on the team a head start by deciding not to show up for the first three games.

Google is reportedly working on beaming cheap high-speed broadband into people’s homes. Because what harm could it be to have Google be able to get into our personal information not just on our searches but on all the web sites we access at any time?

Google Doodle honored legendary bird watcher Phoebe Snetsinger. Although it would have been more appropriate for all the people on social media to recognize the famous birder by sending out tweets.

Bill Gates posted what he would do if he lived on $2 a day. For one thing, he would be making plans for how to spread it out over the next 25 Billion years.

Bill gates posted what he would do if he lived on $2 a day. The first thing he would do is cover his housing cost by renting himself his 60,000 square foot house near Seattle for 25 cents a day.

Ellen Pao is reportedly writing a memoir about her gender discrimination lawsuit. Apparently the working title is “I Sued, I Lost, I Published.”

A report says that Uber and Fiat Chrysler are working on a self-driving car. Apparently it will be a vehicle that is driven by a complete stranger but never leaves the driveway.

A report says Millennials make 54% of their purchases online. Which is a little ridiculous when they have to go on Amazon.com when they just want a pack of Juicy Fruit.

A report says Millennials make 54% of their purchases online. Mostly because it is so much more convenient when shopping than to actually have to get off the couch and come out of the basement into the light of day.

Researchers at Google and Oxford are studying ways to stop Artificial Intelligence systems from misbehaving. Has anyone suggested maybe pulling out the plug?

Singapore says it will cut Internet access for all government workers in order to boost security. Mostly because how safe can a country be when all the public employees are spending their entire day looking at online porn?

A report says that 4 in 10 unemployed Americans have thrown in the towel. Mostly because the only jobs available are to pick up the towel while working as a maid at a Motel 6.

Mitch McConnell says Donald trump switching to a Teleprompter to give speeches is a “good start.” As long as it is followed up by putting him in a straight jacket along with a muzzle and a leash.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, it looks like it’s Hillary against Donald for the presidency. That certainly makes my work here a lot easier for the next five months. Possibly the next four or eight years. Unfortunately it might make it just that much harder for everyone else in the country. And the world. At least it will give future historians a chance to consider the following question for the next several decades: How the heck did that happen? In the meantime, just keep reading the blog every day to maybe get a chuckle or some mild indigestion. And always remember to try to take the time to make sure to send the love!


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