Wednesday, June 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



A report says Secret Service agents are overworked protecting the presidential candidates. The word is they are putting in so many hours on the job they barely have time to go out at night to get drunk and solicit prostitutes.

A report says the world’s wealthiest people got 5.2% richer in 2015. Most of that was spent on therapy to help them deal psychologically with such a terrible year.

A report says that people are spending less time on social media apps. Apparently it gets a bit repetitive with just so many types of food their friends can eat for breakfast and how many different ways to make a video of a cat playing a piano.

A report says that people are spending less time on social media apps. There just isn’t enough time in the day to check in with their Facebook friends and send out tweets while still playing all the latest video games and checking out enough new Internet porn sites.

A company has made a new type of glasses that keeps kids from getting “tech neck.” There is another invention that keeps children from straining their necks by looking at computer screens all day. It’s called a book.

A study says American women are fatter than ever, with four out of ten considered obese. To which the other six are saying “Hey, just give us another couple of years.”

A study says American women are fatter than ever, with four out of ten considered obese. Although experts say it’s just a matter of time until the economy improves until the other six will have enough money lying around to catch up with everyone else.

Katy Perry was singled out by researchers as being part of the problem with teen obesity by endorsing junk food products to a young audience. It’s already had an effect on those close to her as her concert tour was put on hold when the left shark was sent off to fat camp.

A study says the secret of not having a heart attack is to go to sleep at the same time each night. Apparently it takes away a lot of stress for men when they aren’t caught by their wives on the weekends sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A study says fish can recognize human faces. Which is just more bad news for Richard Dreyfus and Roy Scheider when they go out in a boat and those Great White sharks remember what they did in “Jaws.”

A study says fish can recognize human faces. Which is not good for anyone with a prosthetic leg at sea who may be confused by any passing whales with Captain Ahab.

A scientist is blaming the fact that people are having less sex on Netflix binge watching. Especially women who are watching episodes of “Downton Abbey” and find that five minutes into the program their partner is always sound asleep.

A report says Verizon wants to buy Yahoo after purchasing AOL last year. Those are some questionable purchases. What’s next, trying to bring back Pets.com?

The TSA says nearly all airline passengers over the Memorial Day weekend had a 30 minute or less wait in the security line. That freed them up so that they had plenty of time to get to their gates for the eight hour airline delay they were facing after finally getting to board their plane.

Hungary is curbing political freedoms for its citizens to help fight terrorism. To which the U.S. is saying Hey, we thought of it first.”

Ethiopia has approved a law that would imprison anyone making defamatory statements online. Which pretty much just shut down every Twitter, Facebook and Snapchat account in the country.

Ethiopia has approved a law that would imprison anyone making defamatory statements online. The most common defamatory statement there is that someone is too poor to be able to live somewhere better than Ethiopia.

New England dominates a list of the country’s safest states, with the least safe mainly in the South. The study was based on poverty, alcohol and the number of people in each state with a valid NRA membership.

The FDA says that people are overdosing on anti-diarrhea drugs. Ironically the study was printed in a publication called the “Annals of Emergency Medicine.”

The FDA says people are overdosing on anti-diarrhea drugs. Mostly a result of people preparing in advance order the Supreme Chalupa Party Pack at Taco Bell.

The new CEO of Delta Airlines says the company will be putting service and reliability over price. After which the entire executive team lit up cigars with $100 bills, laughed until they cried and said “No, he is really kidding.”

The new CEO of Delta Airlines says the company will be putting service and reliability over price. To which even cable company executives said “Hey, that’s a good one!”

The new CEO of Delta Airlines says the company will be putting service and reliability over price. To prove it, he immediately tripled the cost of all their fares.

Burger King is offering a new “Whopperito” which is a hamburger served inside a tortilla. Coincidentally, that is the same sound that will be coming out of the Burger King restrooms whenever someone goes in after they just finished eating one.

Burger King is offering a new “Whopperito” which is a hamburger served inside a tortilla. Not to be outdone, McDonald’s has created an international dish based on its Scottish namesake with the new breakfast offering of the Egg McHaggis.

A study says bigger baby bottles are linked to infants’ weight gain. Especially when the bottles are filled with Mountain Dew in order to help the kids wash down their lunch of pizza and a Big Mac.

A study says people who are sleep deprived are more at risk of a heart attack. Well, that news will certainly help them start sleeping better.

A study says long term pot use doesn’t harm a person’s health. Mostly because it takes away the stress of finishing school, keeping a job or having any money to worry about investing.

A study says women in North America and Western Europe are most at risk for suffering anxiety. Mostly because those are the two areas of the world that are most likely to be involved in a world war once Donald Trump is elected President.

Doctor assisted dying is about to become legal in Canada. Or as that is called in the U.S., membership in an HMO.

Doctor assisted dying is about to become legal in Canada. It will replace the more common method of suicide there of going over Niagara Falls in a barrel.

A report says most violent crime is wrongly linked with mental illness. Apparently most crimes associated with mental illness involve white collar crimes like the economic crash caused by the narcissistic egotists working on Wall Street.

Actress Kim Catrall has opened up about her battle with insomnia. Which ironically, for most men the best cure known for not being able to sleep is to put on an episode of “Sex and the City.”

Helen Mirren praised Kim Kardashian for “redefining beauty.” Back in Mirren’s day, women’s looks were based on how they appeared while wearing clothes.

Helen Mirren praised Kim Kardashian for “redefining beauty.” Now all that needs to be defined is why any of the Kardashians are actually famous celebrities.

Helen Mirren praised Kim Kardashian for “redefining beauty” as she is “shameless.” Mostly because thanks to reality TV, being beautiful and shameless is the new formula for career success.

The Playboy Mansion in California has been sold for a reported $200 Million to an executive of the company that makes Hostess Twinkies. Which is ironic in that the home was bought from Hugh Hefner who made his fortune by also being in the business of marketing Twinkies.

Kris Kristofferson is reportedly doing well after suffering memory loss that was misdiagnosed as Alzheimer’s Disease. The only bad part is that now he still remembers making “A Star Is Born.”

The U.S. Soccer president says Donald trump could cost the U.S. a chance at hosting the World Cup in 2026. Which is being touted by Republicans as that Trump already is planning to have an effect on the country well into the future.

The U.S. Soccer president says Donald Trump could cost the U.S. a chance at hosting the World Cup in 2026. Apparently he is worried that the economy will be hurt which means the soccer organization won’t have enough money to be able to bribe all the right officials.

LeBron James says that Game 3 of the NBA Finals will be do-or-die for the Cleveland Cavaliers. As opposed to the first two games which were pretty much roll-over-and-die.

Broncos cornerback Aqib Talib is being investigated for carrying a gun into a Texas nightclub which is a violation of the state law. Apparently he is facing prosecution for not going into the club with the legal minimum of at least three firearms.

NBA referees are petitioning the league to end the Last Two Minute report that critiques the officiating at the end of the game. Apparently the officials feel it isn’t fair to emphasize their bad calls in the final two minutes while ignoring their incompetence during the other 46.

The NFL’s Twitter account was hacked, with a message sent out that Commissioner Roger Goodell had died. Football fans knew it was fake as if Goodell had really died, there would have been an announcement that the person responsible had been given a two game suspension.

A survey says iPhone owners are holding onto their phones longer. Mostly because they are tired of spending another $800 every two years for the same phone that now comes with a new and improved number pad.

The FBI is pushing for warrantless access to people’s Internet browsing history. To which most men are saying they are fine with that as long as the FBI doesn’t do something with it that could ruin their lives, like handing the information over to their wives.

A report says there will be 21 Million self-driving cars on the road by 2035. As opposed to the 50 Million cars on the road today which are being driven by no one because the person behind the wheel is steering with their knees while sending out text messages to all their friends.

A 500 year old shipwreck carrying gold has been found in the Namibian desert. Researchers say it must have been the result of the captain making one huge wrong turn at Burundi.

A 500 year old shipwreck carrying gold has been found in the Namibian desert. As to the question of how a desert once used to be a navigable waterway, Al Gore is saying “I told you so!”

Bernie Sanders is reportedly planning to lay off half his campaign staff. Which is ironic following his sound beating in several primaries on Tuesday as the flag on his campaign is pretty much now flying at half staff.

Bernie Sanders is reportedly planning to lay off half his campaign staff. Which could cause some real concern as the people who will be out of work are the ones responsible for keeping him from wandering away during all his personal appearances.

Donald Trump is calling for GOP unity as the election approaches. Unfortunately, the only unity in the party is that all the blacks, Hispanics and Asians who are registered Republicans are pretty sure there is no way in the world they are going to vote for Donald Trump.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I used a different computer today so the writing process went much easier than yesterday. Although I am obviously writing this before posting the jokes online so if they all disappear then disregard that part. Hopefully I will be able to get my trusty iMac fixed and back on the job soon so I will be into my old routine. I am not someone who adapts well to change. As you can tell by my repetitive joke writing. The one thing that I would really like to become a daily habit is for all of you to keep remembering to always send the love!


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