Tuesday, June 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says robots will take over most jobs by 2045. The worst part will be when President Donald Trump has to come up with a way to build a wall to keep out all the robots built in other countries by then.

A report says robots will take over most jobs by 2045. Mostly because the only jobs left by then will be Wal-Mart greeter, convenience store clerk and fast food server.

Scientists are attempting to grow human organs in pigs for transplanting. The good news will be when people have new kidneys which when they pee gives off the smell of bacon.

A report says that advances in computing power have not made for much in the way of economic gain. Mostly because people are mainly using all the additional computer power to find faster ways to watch more online porn.

A study says that cellphones may be damaging people’s hearing. Mostly when they get leaves and branches jammed in their ears after crashing into a tree while texting and driving.

The ex-wife of a man who was shot to death says their pet parrot is repeating his last words. Unfortunately, they were “Don’t worry. I know that gun isn’t loaded.”

The ex-wife of a man who was shot to death says their pet parrot is repeating his last words. Apparently the bird keeps saying “Polly wants a medic.”

The ex-wife of a man who was shot to death says their pet parrot is repeating his last words. Although the bird isn’t talking because it’s afraid of being labeled a stool pigeon.

Army Reserve officer Deshauna Barber from Washington, D.C. has been crowned the new Miss USA. The awkward part was when she came out in the swimsuit competition wearing a camouflage bikini.

Army Reserve officer Deshauna Barber from Washington, D.C. has been crowned the new Miss USA. It was hard for judges to vote against a person whose talent was tearing down and reassembling an AK-47 in less than 30 seconds.

Army Reserve officer Deshauna Barber from Washington, D.C. has been crowned the new Miss USA. Although taking down the first runner-up with a Judo hold may have cost her the title of Miss Congeniality.

A New Jersey panel says that train engineers should be banned if they have had their driver’s licenses suspended or revoked because of DUI. The only problem will be finding any engineers who can handle taking a train through New Jersey while they are sober.

A jumbo jet was sunk off the coast of Turkey to create an artificial reef. Although they could have saved a lot of trouble by just having the local airport start scheduling flights by Malaysia Airlines.

The Glastonbury Music Festival in England is introducing a women’s only venue. Apparently that was accomplished by booking The Backstreet Boys, One Direction and Justin Bieber.

Economist Larry Summer says if Donald Trump is elected President, the U.S. economy will tank. To which Trump already has a plan for that by bringing in all kinds of revenue with huge ratings for the first reality disaster show which will be shot from inside the White House.

T-Mobile says it will give customers a share of stock in the company. AT&T tried that once but all it did was tie up the phone lines while people called their brokers to say “Sell!”

American Airlines says it will reward frequent fliers based on dollars spent and not on miles. Apparently they are following the lead of United which if it gave rewards based on miles, all their customers would by now pretty much have zero.

A report says children born late in pregnancy perform better in elementary and middle school. Especially in Alabama where being born late refers to all the 17 year old students in the 4th grade.

A report says people around the world going to dance clubs are snorting cacao to get high. Getting high on chocolate is nothing new. Where does everyone think the Nestle’s bunny got his name of “quicky”?

A study says that stars who are popular with teens endorse mostly junk food. Mostly after seeing the ones advertising to people with a vegan lifestyle who saw their album sales go up by a total of three.

Hostess has recalled 700,000 snack cakes and doughnuts that were accidentally made using peanuts. Hostess immediately apologized to all its customers and promised to never again use an ingredient from a naturally grown vegetable product.

A study says that people’s social circles shrink after age 25. Although that is changing for Millennials who are actually finding more friends at that age when they are finally forced to move out of their parents’ basement.

A study says that people’s social circles shrink after age 25. At least the people they actually have to talk to face to face who have been replaced by their 5,000 unknown Facebook “friends.”

Kim Kardashian apologized for husband Kanye West’s canceled show. Although most people were only expecting an apology if he was actually able to finish.

Kenny Rogers says he has no intention of coming back at age 77. Mostly because he finds he can’t even move his mouth enough to lip sync after his latest facelift.

Richard Simmons says his hospitalization for “bizarre behavior” was a result of being dehydrated. Just to be safe the nurses made sure his water bottle came with a crazy straw.

Richard Simmons says he “feels great” after being hospitalized for “bizarre behavior.” The only question is how many versions of “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” did someone have to watch before getting him some help?

Kylie Jenner says people will never see a sex tape from her. Which is nice to see that she is taking an alternative route from the traditional family business.

Kylie Jenner says people will never see a sex tape from her. That’s a tough business decision to make, as opposed to most other 18 year old women who are trying to decide if their working life will start out at the Gap or McDonald’s.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rogers says he has cut dairy from his diet. Apparently he realized he needed help when he tackled a fan after a game and ate his cheesehead hat.

Tiger Woods says he is writing a book about his win at the 1997 Masters. He will reveal his secrets of his winning formula, including course strategy, how he read the greens and the name of the Waffle House waitresses he took home each night.

A study says that eating plastic has made fish slower and more stupid. Which makes it a more even match for all the people who are trying to catch them after drinking a case of beer.

Galaxy says its S7 phone is able to survive several severe crash tests. Which makes it the perfect phone for anyone who still wants to get their messages sent out even after crashing into a tree at 60 MPH while texting behind the wheel.

A report says a 19th century White House garden has statues aligned with the angle of the Sun on the winter and summer solstice. Which will be different than the White House with Donald Trump as President with all the potential yard workers deported across the border on his first day in office.

Mark Zuckerberg’s social media sites were hacked, and it was revealed his password is “dadada.” Which is what most people say when it hits them they now have a personal fortune of $50 Billion.

A survey says nearly half the people who cosign loans are doing it for their children. Mostly because they are willing to take the risk of having to pay off the home loan themselves just to finally get their kids out of their basement.

A report says Apple may be considering a three year cycle for new iPhones instead of the current two. Apparently even the most diehard Apple fans are finally realizing they are spending $800 every two years for pretty much the same device.

Instagram says it is going algorithmic in trying to identify what most of their users are interested in. Which in the case of Instagram means more naked pictures sent from Kim Kardashian.

Hillary Clinton says she has enough delegate votes to win the Democratic Party nomination. She also claims she will have enough votes to beat Donald Trump in the presidential election if she can get a commitment to pull the lever for her from at least three people.

Ronald Reagan’s son Michael says his father would not have supported Donald Trump. Mostly because he knew when he said “Tear down this wall” Trump would have been right behind him with a construction crew ready to put it back up.

Senator Rand Paul says he will pay tribute to Muhammad Ali with legislation to do away with the draft. Mostly because thanks to Ali the military went volunteer, meaning rich white guys like Paul could go to college for an education instead of a deferment.

Former Ohio Governor Ted Strickland says he hopes the Cleveland Cavaliers make the NBA Finals go far enough to cause problems at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland. If he wants the Republicans to have problems at their convention, with Donald Trump the presumptive nominee he should hope everything goes exactly as planned.

A civil liberty group has announced a website aimed at ending the government surveillance law. Which is ironic in that the government will not harvest as much information as what will be taken by anyone signing up for the website using Google as a search engine on an Apple computer.

The State Department says the RNC would have to wait 75 years to get the e-mails they are requesting  from Hillary Clinton’s aides. Which means not only did Hillary have a private server, her e-mail account was with AOL.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Unfortunately, my iMac computer may have bitten the dust and I had to write today’s jokes on a crappy HP laptop. So if they aren’t as funny, blame it on the fact that I am in a crappy mood from screaming at this piece of junk to work right. Don’t buy HP. Fortunately, my 16 year old daughter Summer saved the day by making it possible to finally complete the task. I am old. That is why it is more important than ever that you all take the time to get me through this ordeal by making sure to send the love!

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