Sunday, June 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Researchers have pinpointed the “world’s ugliest color,” a brownish green hue called opaque couche. It is so ugly that it has already been chosen as the tone for the next uniforms for the San Diego Padres.

Researchers have pinpointed the “world’s ugliest color,” a brownish green hue called opaque couche. Although most people say it is still not as bad as whatever shade of reddish-orange dye is used by Donald Trump on his hair.

276 dogs were rescued from a home in New Jersey. The dogs were reportedly well fed, mostly because the owner had a deal where the dogs were given all of Governor Chris Christie’s table scraps.

A painkiller made by Teva is reportedly resistant to being crushed to be used by abusers for snorting or injecting. Although it will not be immune from addicts who can figure out some way to take the pills through their mouth by swallowing them.

A San Diego newspaper has endorsed Ronald Reagan as a write-in candidate. Apparently the editorial board finds Donald Trump so unappealing, they almost made their former President endorsement choice Chester A. Arthur.

The IRS says the White House never asked for secret information about taxpayers. Mostly because if the White House needs personal information about anyone they can always just ask the people at Apple, Google or Facebook.

A study says leaders’ narcissism may be linked to their family income. Which means that Donald Trump may actually be as wealthy as he claims.

Office space sharing company WeWork says it is cutting 7% of its staff. Which means they will also be changing their name to AtLeastSomeOfUsAreStillWorking.

A petition is calling for Starbucks to stop doing business inside of Trump Tower. Apparently the people signing the petition feel the coffee shop can still make a profit with their eight locations across the street.

A new company is offering Wi-Fi service on American Airlines planes. There is a lot of competition for business on American for the people who need Internet access to book another connecting flight because the plane they are on took off four hours late.

Delta Airlines has introduced “30% faster” lanes to cut TSA security line wait times. Apparently passengers are just told to avoid lengthy searches and going through the body scanners by showing up already naked.

The FDA has warned Horizon Airlines about sanitary violations because they have no sinks on their planes. The airline says they used to but found it more profitable to instead put in additional seating where the sinks used to be in the galley and restrooms.

The FDA has warned Horizon Airlines about sanitary violations because they have no sinks on their planes. Plus it finally gives the FDA a reason to go back on planes since the airlines quit serving inflight meals back in 2003.

Scientists have proposed creating a DNA “map” for making people. Which isn’t necessary because when it goes to mapping out how to make people, most men already have a natural GPS that hones right in on Scarlett Johansson.

Judd Apatow says haters of the all female version of “Ghostbusters” are probably Donald Trump supporters. Although most people who support Trump actually use the motto “I ain’t afraid of no nuclear war!”

Judd Apatow says haters of the all female version of “Ghostbusters” are probably Donald Trump supporters. Although the last political campaign that involved beating a ghost was in 2008 when Barack Obama defeated John McCain.

Actor Ryan Gosling says that “women are better than men.” Which usually means one thing for a man. He is trying to get a date with a radical feminist.

Matt Damon gave the commencement speech at MIT. Which is probably depressing for the students in that that he made more money than they ever will hope to see when he starred in “Good Will Hunting” playing one of the school’s janitors.

Simon Cowell says fatherhood has softened his judging style. Almost overnight the love he felt for his son made him go from being a complete douchebag to just an arrogant jerk.

Former “Bachelor” star Ben Higgins says he is considering a run for the Colorado House of Representatives. He’s just like Donald Trump, getting into politics as a Republican from a reality show while leaving behind a string of angry women.

Oprah Winfrey revealed the secret of her losing 30 pounds. Apparently it had to do with worrying about the chances of losing her $43 Million investment in Weight Watchers if people didn’t see her starting to slim down some.

NBA Commissioner says he wants to end the practice of Hack-a-Shaq. Although someone needs to tell him that it was pretty much over once Shaquille O’Neal retired back in 2011.

Blood testing company Theranos says that only 1% of its blood tests were voided or corrected. It isn’t blood contamination that the company is worried about, it’s the investors’ hemorrhaging caused when Forbes dropped the company’s net worth to zero.

Wal-Mart says it will use Uber and Lyft for its food delivery service. The only problem is for people getting their groceries delivered who find out all the Doritos they ordered were eaten by the ride sharing car’s drunk passengers.

Wal-Mart says it will use Uber and Lyft for its food delivery service. Which is different from all the groceries that are bought in the store and taken out to the parking lot by customers riding Rascal scooters.

“The Sims” video game has removed gender barriers for physiques, walk styles and voice pitch. Which means that finally, anyone can play the game who wants to go through a lifestyle simulation as Michael Jackson.

Cricket Wireless had an outage last week angered customers, mostly because of the company’s lack of response. In fact, when people called to ask what was going on, they just heard crickets.

72 new emojis will be released later this month for people to use in cellphone text messages. Apparently they are necessary as kids spend so much time looking at their phone screens at school they actually don’t know how to write anymore.

72 new emojis will be released later this month for people to use with their cellphones, including bacon, pancakes and eggs. Apparently those emojis are for people who want to send out text messages telling everyone they are scheduled for heart bypass surgery.

A Toyota executive says their cars will soon have technology to learn a person’s driving habits so they can correct their mistakes. As long as their mistakes are not trying to override when the cars accelerators get stuck going 105 miles an hour.

The new Foldimate laundry folding machine will be on the market as early as next year, selling for $850. Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “criminal money laundering.”

The new Foldimate laundry folding machine will be on the market as early as next year, selling for $850. The worst part is that it could mean widespread layoffs for all the people currently working at the Gap.

Facebook has made a move to take away Mark Zuckerberg’s control of the company if he ever decides to leave. Not only that, the moment he cuts ties with Facebook he will receive a half billion instantaneous notices of being unfriended.

Facebook has made a move to take away Mark Zuckerberg’s control of the company if he ever decides to leave. The only question is that at age 32 with a net worth of nearly $50 Billion, why is he still hanging around?

Woolworths CIO Clive Whincup has resigned from the company. Apparently his job of top information officer wasn’t going well as the number one question most people have about the company is “Woolworths is still in business?”

Chinese company Baidu says it will be producing a self-driving car within five years. Although that’s not difficult in China. All they need to do is come up with a car that sits in the same place because of gridlock for five days belching out plumes of toxic exhaust.

Thousands of atheists turned out in Washington, D.C. for a “reason rally” to bring political power to the non-religious. Although the only reason most people in Washington claim to be religious is because all our currency is stamped with “In God We Trust.”

Thousands of atheists turned out in Washington, D.C. for a “reason rally” to bring political power to the non-religious. Their question is if there is really a God, why are we faced with the choice of picking between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton?

Donald Trump’s lawyers say that his bombast has been good for his business. Mostly because he doesn’t ever have to pay for advertising again as long as there is still a CNN, MSNBC and Fox News Channel.

The RNC has hired a group of lobbyists to write the party’s platform. Which is a new undertaking for them as they usually spend their time writing out all the bills for the members of Congress.

California is reporting a record number of registered voters ahead of Tuesday’s primary. Imagine how many they would have on the voting rolls if they would allow people to register while they wait in line for their large Mocha Latte at Starbucks.

President Obama told Democrats they need to develop a sense of urgency. Although the best way to do that is to have everyone simultaneously say to themselves the phrase “President Donald Trump.”

First Lady Michelle Obama gave a commencement address where she said every day she “wakes up in a house built by slaves.” Although the way the job market is going, most those students will soon be waking up in a house made by Coleman Tents.

Documents show a Trump University seminar told students to boost their credit by inflating their income by $75,000. Which means he is totally qualified to be President as he understands exactly how Congress approves the budget.

A Connecticut family received a postcard mailed 53 years ago by a now deceased aunt. The worst part was that for sitting in the system for more than half a century, the Post Office delivered it saying there was $42,000 postage due.

A Connecticut family received a postcard mailed 53 years ago by a now deceased aunt. The good news is that technology has advanced so far since then that the mail carrier who got lost delivering it will now be given his own smartphone with a GPS app.

A Connecticut family received a postcard mailed 53 years ago by a now deceased aunt. The bad part is that the mail carrier who was trying to deliver it was originally set to retire back in 1975.

A Connecticut family received a postcard mailed 53 years ago by a now deceased aunt. The bad news is that the mail carrier who was trying to deliver it is still trying to recover from the 4,825 dog bites he has suffered over the years.

Nigeria has recovered $580 Million stolen from government coffers. That’s the last time they give out the e-mail addresses of any civil service workers that are requested by the country’s princes.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Some sad news from the world of sports, and entertainment and just for the entire world. Sad to see that Muhammad Ali passed away last week at age 74. I always admired him for being such a great athlete, winning the Heavyweight Title several times including one of the most incredible upsets in sports history over a young and hard punching George Foreman. Ali toughened up his midsection and did the famous “Rope-a Dope” strategy where he covered his face with his gloves and let Foreman punch himself out with body blows to the point of exhaustion after which Ali finished him off to win back the title. He also fought against the war and for civil rights. He could have gone into the Army and been treated like a king while fighting a few exhibition matches, but he wasn’t a hypocrite and spoke out against the conflict and ended up in jail. He could have gone to Canada or enrolled in college like so many others but took his protest all the way. George Carlin (as usual) said it best: “The Army told Ali they wanted him to go kill some people but he drew the line at just beating them up.” Let’s all make sure to send the love his way today and not because he was the greatest fighter of all time. Because he was just The Greatest.

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