Thursday, June 30, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new restaurant in New York City serves only cereal for $7 a serving. Only in New York would people pay to experience what they could get for free by instead stopping in at the nearest homeless shelter.

Supermodel Christina Estrada claims she needs $262 Million from her ex-husband to live the lifestyle she is accustomed to. Being a supermodel that includes as much as $67 a year just for food.

An 80 year old Rhode Island man killed an 81 year old acquaintance at a local cemetery not far from where he will be buried. Apparently at their age he felt it would be a waste of time to have to make another trip.

Researchers say that American women have the largest breasts of any country. The study took longer than expected just to go through the applications of the thousands of men who volunteered to help out gathering the information.

 Researchers say that American women have the largest breasts of any country. The only problem is that the study is being challenged, with accusations that the researchers enhanced their findings.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has appointed the founder of Papa John’s Pizza to the board of trustees at the University of Louisville. Mostly because 90% of the students in the next graduating class will be lucky to get their first job out of college delivering pizzas.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has appointed the founder of Papa John’s Pizza to the board of trustees at the University of Louisville. Which sends an interesting message to students who will be governed by someone who never went to college but has managed to become more successful than they will ever hope to see.

Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin has appointed the founder of Papa John’s Pizza to the board of trustees at the University of Louisville. That’s nothing. If they don’t vote in November, they might have the former host of “The Apprentice” as their President.

Donald Trump’s campaign is busy trying to line up sports icons to speak at the upcoming Republican National Convention. With Trump the presumptive nominee, the most likely speakers will be from the 1969 Mets, Buster Douglas and the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team.

Researchers say that key chemicals in marijuana remove plaque from brain cells. After smoking even more they then remove the rest of the cells.

A survey says that 71% of Americans feel the U.S. economy is rigged. The other 29% didn’t have time to take part in the poll as they were too busy working their other three jobs trying to make ends meet.

Three men in New York have been charged with stealing $12 Million from investors who thought their money was going to be used to make a major film starring Nicholas Cage and Willie Nelson. The first clue they were being scammed was that a major film was being made starring Nicholas Cage and Willie Nelson.

An analysis says that Millennials prefer buying luxury cars and SUVs. Apparently it’s easy to afford a more expensive ride by avoiding having to pay rent the past ten years living in their parents’ basement.

Harrison Ford tops the list of the all-time highest grossing film stars at $4.9 Billion. Which is even more impressive when it is factored in that when he started making movies, the average theater ticket was still a quarter.

Sam Adams brewing has filed for a trademark for “Brexit” cider. The idea for the name is from if you drink too much, it keeps trying come right back up to get out.

A new Uber app will be able to track drivers’ speed and behavior behind the wheel. The only thing it needs now is to show when the driver is being assaulted for trying to overcharge a drunk customer.

Wal-Mart is reportedly going to test free shipping to compete with Amazon.com. Apparently they are trying to appeal to the people who want to be able to take advantage of Wal-Mart’s low prices without ever having to actually be seen walking into one of their stores.

A report says American gun ownership is at a 40 year low, with 36% of American households having a firearm. The other 64% will get one just as soon as they are out of prison, done with parole or complete probation for shooting up the neighborhood.

A report says American gun ownership is at a 40 year low, with 36% of American households having a firearm. The other 64% still figure they can borrow one from the other 36% when they need a Glock, AR-15, AK-47, Ruger, Smith & Wesson…

The Toyota Camry has been named the car most made in the U.S. Apparently they won because they still have the one worker here in America that still puts the “objects may be closer than they appear” stickers on all the side mirrors.

The FDA is telling makers of hand sanitizers they need to show that their products work. Which is ironic in that the FDA is usually the agency that when it comes to enforcing rules usually just washes its hands.

Kanye West has inked a new deal with Adidas. How out of shape are we when an athletic wear company sells more product from someone wearing their gear onstage than with actual athletes playing sports?

A survey says that nearly half of all U.S. workers consider themselves underemployed. Which is better than the other more than half who are trying to move up from being unemployed.

A survey says that nearly half of all U.S. workers consider themselves underemployed. The rest feel their college education is being put to very good use every time they are asked by their boss to clean and refill the Slurpee machine.

A survey says that 54% of Americans believe that young people will have better lives than their parents. Which isn’t that much of a stretch considering how many of their parents lost their homes and jobs and have been living in their car since 2008.

A survey says that 54% of Americans believe that young people will have better lives than their parents. The other 46% think their lives won’t be as good, unless their parents also lived in their folks’ basement well into their 40s.

A survey says that 54% of Americans believe that young people will have better lives than their parents. Mostly because living in their basement means they will never get married and have children and have to work the rest of their life paying off their kids’ college loans.

Nutrition experts say that eating a little butter won’t kill anyone. It’s the biscuits, pancakes, eggs, potatoes and French toast they are smearing it all over that will kill them.

A study says that progress against heart disease has started to wane. Mostly because up until a few years ago people were dying from their diabetes, obesity and alcoholism long before their heart was ready to give out.

Researchers say that CPR outcomes are better with heavy rescuers. The only problem is being saved by an obese rescuer who gets overworked and needs to have CPR done on them.

A study says antidepressants are no help to patients with heart failure. Especially the ones who have already gotten their most recent bill from their cardiologist.

A study says antidepressants are no help to patients with heart failure. Mostly because it is a tough task to try to cheer someone up who has just gotten some bad news, like they have heart failure.

A report says the U.S. has the biggest happiness gap in the world with parents who are not as satisfied as their childless peers. Especially the ones who have taken a look at how much it is going to cost to put a kid through college in another 18 years.

A study says the typical American adult is using media a full hour longer each day than they did last year. It’s getting so bad, researchers say the best chance of solving the problem is figuring out how to make each day 25 hours long.

A study says the typical American adult is using media a full hour longer each day than they did last year. It’s just nice to see parents taking the time to put in the effort to try to communicate more often with their children.

The Miss Teen USA Pageant is dropping the bikini competition in favor of athletic wear. Mostly because they stand to make a lot more money having the segment sponsored by Adidas, Puma or Nike than they would ever make from any bathing suit designer.

The Miss Teen USA Pageant is dropping the bikini competition in favor of athletic wear. Fortunately they can fit into those easily by losing weight sweating out how they are going to fake their answer about current events.

Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her fourth husband. The worst part for her latest ex-husband is having to explain how he was dumped by someone who at one time thought the ideal groom was Michael Jackson.

Andrew Luck signed a six year contract with the Indianapolis Colts for a reported $140 Million. His agent takes all the credit for the deal, saying Luck had nothing to do with it.

Shaquille O’Neal says he wants his son to attend a college where the coach will curse him out. Which will be no problem, especially if he has the same ability as his dad from the free throw line.

Shaquille O’Neal says he wants his son to attend a college where the coach will curse him out. The only problem will be finding a coach who can deal with being cursed out by Shaquille O’Neal.

Johnny Manziel says he is going sober starting this week. Although most people figure that is just the alcohol talking.

Google has introduced a new “My Activity” site that shows everything a person has done on the Internet. Although once women see what their husbands have been doing the site may change its name to “My Divorce.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren says Apple, Google and Amazon have too much power. Fortunately for them, Warren could lose all of the power she has acquired in Washington the minute she decides to run with Hillary Clinton as her Vice President.

Facebook is tweaking its algorithm to show people more of their friends’ rants than any news content. Which if they happen to be friends with Donald Trump pretty much works out to the same thing.

Hillary Clinton says she wants high speed broadband Internet service for every American by 2020. In other words, she has already come up with a promise for her reelection campaign.

A Florida man is suing Apple for $10 Billion for stealing his idea for an electronic reading device and turning it into the iPhone. If that doesn’t work he will sue Bill Gates for taking his design of a box filled with components and turning it into the PC.

A new dating app aims to connect Brexit “remain” voters. The worst part is when the relationship doesn’t work out and once again they go through broken promises, money wasted and end up getting kicked out of another union against their wishes.

Mitt Romney sys his family is pushing him to run for President as an Independent. Mostly because since the other two candidates are so polarizing, it will be tough to figure out who is really the third party candidate.

A report says Trump University offered get rich quick schemes that were plagiarized. In other words it was in effect the first university to offer electronic classes that people could take by watching real estate infomercials.

A report says Trump University offered get rich quick schemes that were plagiarized. Or as that is called at The Trump Organization, its business model.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This whole Brexit thing is getting to be a little overblown, in my opinion. The Brits who are saying they are justified leaving the EU need to remember they are the ones who are still probably bitching about us doing the same thing to them 240 years ago. You know what they say about payback. Speaking of that, the way you can pay me back for all the wonderfully funny and witty jokes I write every day, (and all the others that fill the other 98% of the space)  is to as usual make sure to remember to take the time to always send the love!


No comments: