Friday, June 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Taylor Swift has ended her 15 year relationship with boyfriend Calvin Harris. Which means her next breakup album will be on the shelves next Tuesday.

PGA golfer Graham DeLaet pulled out of the Memorial Tournament because of extreme anxiety while he was chipping and putting. Or as the rest of us call that, “golf.”

Elon Musk says it is likely that we are all just living in a computer simulation. Which means that hopefully in the event Donald Trump becomes President the person who designed the program will hit “reboot.”

Elon Musk says it is likely that we are all just living in a computer simulation. If that’s true then the question is why didn’t the programmer make it a little more like “The Sims” where at least all the people are good looking?

A report says that facial recognition programs could make for the end of anonymity. Although if anyone wants the feeling that nobody knows who they are or that they even exist, there is still shopping at Best Buy.

A cruise line is offering a clothing optional sex cruise for open minded adult couples. Which is otherwise known as going on a cruise.

Sugar Land, Texas has built a statue of two girls taking a selfie of themselves. Which means the battle cry of Texas will soon be changed to “Remember the iPhone!”

Sugar Land, Texas has built a statue of two girls taking a selfie of themselves. Which shows that Kim Kardashian’s mother was right when she told her someday they would build a monument in her honor.

Paul Ryan endorsed Donald Trump by saying he would vote for him. Which is like telling someone you love them and then offering to shake their hand.

Federal regulators are looking to severely curb payday lending. Although the government has already done more than its share to stop the practice with economic policies that have kept most Americans from having a paycheck since 2008.

Federal regulators are looking to severely curb payday lending. Which means if they attack the problem the same way they did the mortgage crisis, security leaks and economic meltdown then pretty much nothing is going to change.

United Airlines has unveiled new luxury business cabins that focus on allowing international travelers to sleep. Which is important for people who fly United and need to catch up on their rest when taking the flight from New York to L.A. that ends up taking six days.

McDonald’s says it may move its headquarters to Oprah Winfrey’s old studio site in Chicago. Which is ironic in that Oprah left the area that will be taken over by the people who make the Big Mac so she could go to work for Weight Watchers.

Elon Musk is predicting Apple will produce a self-driving car within four years and that people will be going to Mars by 2025. The one thing he couldn’t guarantee is when his Tesla car company will come up with a vehicle that can be driven without catching fire.

Former AIG Chairman Hank Greenberg is set to stand trial over charges of fraud. He could receive the typical Wall Street sentence of the death penalty. Which means he will die from old age while vacationing on his private island in the Caribbean.

The FDA says patches for migraines may cause severe burns and scars. Apparently the idea is to make it so painful the person wearing the patch forgets about their headache.

A study ties migraines in women to a risk of heart problems. Mostly for the women who have headaches from the same stress that causes heart attacks because their kids are screaming all day while their husband sits on the couch doing nothing.

A government advisory group is calling to make it more affordable for people to deal with hearing loss. Especially the people who suddenly go completely deaf when they are told how much it will cost to buy a hearing aid.

A government advisory group is calling to make it more affordable for people to deal with hearing loss. When told of the news, people with hearing issues across the country said “What?”

A report says a new drug to deal with excessive armpit sweat has succeeded in studies. Not only that, the news made for an even faster end to the excessive armpit sweat that was coming from all the drug company’s investors.

A study says severely obese people have a higher risk of complications from heart bypass surgery than patients of normal weight. Which makes sense because being severely obese is probably why they were having bypass surgery in the first place.

The CDC says teen births in the U.S. are down 8% from last year which made for a new record low. The drop is being credited to better education, more access to birth control and the cancellation of MTV’s “Teen Mom,” “Teen Mom 2” and “16 and Pregnant.”

The recipient of the first penis transplant in the U.S. has been released from the hospital. When told he was at a risk of the organ being rejected, he said it was OK because he was used to it being married once before.

A study says that children’s concussions are underreported. Mostly because when they see their child’s symptoms of being tired, confused and loss of memory they think everything is back to normal.

Duane “The Rock” Johnson says he is open to a career in politics. Fortunately for him, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Donald Trump have set the bar so low for celebrity politicians, how much worse of a job could he do?

Johnny Manziel’s former agent gave an interview as to why he dropped the quarterback as a client. That needed no explanation. No contract, no commission, no agent.

The New York Knicks made a surprise move and hired Jeff Hornacek to be their new coach. It was mostly a surprise in that someone actually agreed to coach the Knicks.

The NBA says the winning team in the NBA Finals will split $2.6 Million in bonus money. The only problem is that where the players are planning to go for a post championship celebration means they will be asking the team to make the payments in one dollar bills.

The NBA says the winning team in the NBA Finals will split $2.6 Million in bonus money. Which figures out to about the same amount most the players leave under their children’s pillows when the lose a tooth.

Major League Baseball says the Dodgers won’t be punished for using a laser rangefinder to place their outfielders. The only bad part is the embarrassment of everyone knowing their players have the same attention span as a cat.

Major League Baseball says the Dodgers won’t be punished for using a laser rangefinder to place their outfielders. What’s even worse is how they have to give their players a pocket GPS when they need to use the restroom.

Major League Baseball says the Dodgers won’t be punished for using a laser rangefinder to place their outfielders. Apparently they wanted to take advantage of technology instead of the old way of yelling “Hey! Move to the left!”

San Jose Sharks forward Logan Couture accused the Penguins’ Sidney Crosby of cheating during faceoffs. The animosity could result in the players trying to knock each other’s teeth out, at least if they had any.

The CEO of gossip site Gawker says the media needs to hold billionaires accountable. Although isn’t that pretty much the job of all their accountants?

The CEO of gossip site Gawker says the media needs to hold billionaires accountable. Which would be a lot easier to do if all the media outlets weren’t owned by a bunch of billionaires.

Facebook’s new Deep Text Artificial Intelligence can reportedly read Facebook posts and understand them. But then how hard is it to figure out what someone ate for breakfast and how that cat in the video got up on the piano?

Google’s Project Magenta Artificial Intelligence program created its own song. The only bad part is that the computer was immediately sued for plagiarism by the family of Marvin Gaye.

Google’s Project Magenta Artificial Intelligence program created its own song. Although critics of the program say that Magenta just seems to be copying the style of Pink.

Texas has been given $30 Million for an 18-petaflop supercomputer for scientific research. It will be used by the Texas School Board to figure out exactly where Adam and Eve lived and how many thousands of years ago the Earth was created.

Mark Cuban could make money for his rights to the phrase “City of Champions” if the San Jose Sharks and Golden State Warriors win their finals. Which works for Cuban being in Dallas since it could be decades before anyone has the chance to use it there.

PC maker Lenovo is telling users to remove unsafe bloatware from its computers. What kind of a term is “bloatware”? It sounds like a pair of Google Glass being worn by a fat person.

Skype says it is celebrating strong women. Which by definition is a woman talking to a man on Skype who she can make keep his clothes on through the entire conversation.

An astronaut from Kazakhstan heading to the International Space Station says one thing she will miss while in space is the smell of the Earth. Although being from Kazakhstan she can easily get that back by sticking her head in the ISS toilet.

Researchers have found a supersponge the size of a minivan near Hawaii. Which when they get back to the mainland will make for the most boring Hawaiian vacation stories in history.

Researchers have found a supersponge the size of a minivan near Hawaii. Which ironically will be cut into pieces to use at car washes to clean minivans.

Researchers have found a supersponge the size of a minivan near Hawaii. Which is sad to see how much SpongeBob has let himself go ever since his show was canceled.

A craft beer company in Florida is marketing fish friendly packaging that is biodegradable. Although the wrappings would never even make it to the garbage in the first place if they could figure out how to make them out of nachos.

Hillary Clinton says that Donald Trump’s thin skin could set off a war or an economic crisis. To which Trump replied  “Why stop there?”

The State Department says Iran is the top state sponsor of terrorism. Apparently they came to that realization when they saw all the ISIS soldiers’ jerseys and vehicles covered with decals from the Iranian tourism council.

Mitch McConnell says Donald Trump may be alienating Latino voters. To which Trump says if they are Hispanic, there is a good chance they have already gotten into the country through alienation.

Mitch McConnell says Donald Trump may be alienating Latino voters. The question is how long did it take him to figure that out about someone calling them criminals, threatening to deport them all and saying he will build a wall to keep them out?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA Finals are underway. That gives the authorities in San Francisco and Cleveland plenty of time to prepare for the inevitable rioting when they are over. It will finally crown the champion of the NBA, to which all sports fans celebrate with a loud “Finally!” Then it’s time to get back to the important things in life, like baseball and golf. I hope you all have a great weekend and I’ll see you here next week. In the meantime, before you finalize your plans for the next couple of days make sure you set aside the usual amount of time to remember to as always keep sending the love!

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