Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ten people were injured over the weekend when a roller coaster in Scotland flew off the tracks. It was the worst report of something going off the rails in Scotland other than Donald Trump’s interviews on his visit to his golf course.

An official of the European Union says when the UK leaves the EU, English may be dropped as an official language. Which is no big deal as the people who voted for Brexit because of immigration might be more comfortable if the country started speaking in German.

A contractor for FEMA says there could be social unrest by 2024 as heat and drought could drive food prices up 395%. The worst part will be going into McDonald’s and thinking it’s a good deal to order off the Pick 2 For $37 menu.

A study says that men work longer hours than women, but women do more housework. What the study doesn’t say is that men put in more hours at the office so they don’t have to come home and do any housework.

The Governor of Rio de Janeiro says the Olympics could be a “big failure.” Which was no surprise when everyone realized he was talking about the prospects for the Brazilian Olympic Team.

The Census says the average white person in the U.S. is 56 years old. Which means that anyone who likes to invest in communications stocks should start buying up as many shares of CBS as they can.

The Census says the average white person in the U.S. is 56 years old. It’s actually much younger, but those are the people most likely to have lost their job and had time to fill out the Census survey.

The Census says the average white person in the U.S. is 56 years old. Which finally explains how Donald Trump became the frontrunner for the GOP nomination.

A study says that kids are better at using smartphones than they are with everyday tasks like making their own breakfast. Which is why children all just download apps for McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Taco Bell so they don’t go hungry in the morning.

A study says that kids are better at using smartphones than they are with everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning and navigating. Which is no problem because they can use their iPhones to look up online recipes, remotely start the Roomba and dial in where they are going with GPS.

A study says that kids are better at using smartphones than they are with everyday tasks like cooking, cleaning and navigating. The only question is what generation has ever been successful getting kids to cook, clean and go anywhere for them?

A parrot may be used for testimony in a murder trial in Detroit. Prosecutors may have the wrong bird, though if they think they can make him sing like a canary.

Several east coast states are looking into taxing drivers by the miles they travel instead of the gasoline they buy. Which in New York City means people there could take a seven hour trip and have to pay for going all three miles.

A new book has started a “regretting motherhood” debate in Germany for women who wish they had remained childless. Which makes a lot of sense in Germany, especially if the interviews for the book were just done with a Mrs. Hitler.

England will not be the first country to leave a union of European states, as Greenland did the same thing in 1985. Which all the people who voted for Brexit can now look at and say that seems to have worked out pretty well.

Pot supporters attended the debut of The First Cannabis Church of Logic and Reason in Lansing, Michigan this week. It’s the church that meets on Tuesday because that’s when everyone finally is able to get there in time for Sunday services.

Pot supporters attended the debut of The First Cannabis Church of Logic and Reason in Lansing, Michigan this week. It’s the church that has communion wafers that can be ordered with pepperoni, cheese or sausage.

An Idaho man has received a dozen replies to an ad he placed looking for a wife for his unmarried 48 year old son who lives in Utah. Apparently he figures once he lands his son his first wife he can get the next four on his own.

50 Cent was arrested for using “bad language” at a concert on the Caribbean island of St. Kitts. Which brings up the question as to whether anyone on St. Kitts booking the concert had ever listened to any of 50 Cent’s music.

Banned tennis pro Maria Sharapova says she will spend the next two years at Harvard pursuing an MBA. Which is strange in that most people who are suspended for two years with a $125 Million net worth would be more likely to figure out how to spend some of it rather than how to make more.

Banned tennis pro Maria Sharapova says she will spend the next two years at Harvard pursuing an MBA. The good news is her $125 Million net worth is just enough to cover the cost of tuition for a Harvard MBA.

The Dow dropped 900 points in two days following the news of the vote for Brexit. The move was supported by Donald Trump which is ironic in that it could be a preview of how the stock market will react the day he is elected President.

Chipotle is looking to reverse its slump with a temporary loyalty program. The program will be temporary because it will last just until the next incident of their customers getting sick with E.coli.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says Brexit will not spark a financial crisis. Although someone needs to tell him when the stock market drops 900 points and England loses its top credit rating, that is pretty much the definition of a financial crisis.

A study says that even with good medical insurance, the average stay at a hospital costs patients $1,000. Mostly for the cost of the electricity to keep their body cool in the morgue when they are ready to be released.

A study says that even with good medical insurance, the average stay at a hospital costs patients $1,000. Although they can drop that by as much as $500 if they bring their own aspirin and Band-Aids.

A study says that teenagers are turning to risky supplements including protein powders, steroids and diet pills to enhance their looks. Which is better than appearance changing supplements most of the others still get at Krispy Kremes.

A study says teenagers are turning to risky supplements including protein powders, steroids and diet pills to enhance their looks. Either that or they are just trying to get through the college the only way they can afford by an athletic scholarship.

A study says that stress in the classroom is contagious. Especially when all the students realize the teacher has changed the seating on test day and moved all the people whose papers they usually copy the answers from.

A study says doctors are getting burned out from busywork involving the digital and high tech parts of the job. Especially when they have to sit for hours googling all their patients’ symptoms to make a diagnosis.

A study says doctors are getting burned out from busywork involving the digital parts of the job. Although that is nowhere near how uncomfortable their male patients feel when the digital part of the job refers to getting a prostate exam.

A study says that kids with “intrusive” parents who push too hard for good grades are more likely to become self-critical and suffer anxiety and depression. Mostly from realize after they are done with school their parents will then start bugging them about getting married, giving them grandchildren and getting a better job.

A study says that teenagers who are treated at pediatric trauma centers are less likely to die than ones taken to adult centers. Mostly because it’s hard to think an injury is serious when the doctors keep referring to it as a “little boo boo.”

An octogenarian couple from Ireland finished a Marathon together holding hands. The tricky part was for the paramedics to let that continue to happen even though they were being carted away on separate stretchers.

An octogenarian couple from Ireland just crossed the finish line at a Marathon together holding hands. Mostly so they wouldn’t get lost from each other since they started the race back in 2013.

A study says remembering new information is easier if a person exercises right after learning it. Like when someone goes running out the back door when they find out their new girlfriend is actually married to a jealous husband.

Adele gave a recent concert where she cursed 33 times. No one had any idea she was trying to cross over to becoming a rapper.

Suge Knight is suing Chris Brown and a club owner in L.A. for holding a party where Knight was shot seven times. Although Brown’s defense is everyone should know that is just his way of showing how much he likes someone.

Suge Knight is suing Chris Brown and a club owner in L.A. for holding a party where Knight was shot seven times. That’s the last time Knight goes to a party wearing a shirt he bought at Target that has the store’s logo on the back.

Tim Tebow reportedly led passengers in prayer on a Delta flight after a man on the plane passed out. That will teach the man next time to have the $8 in cash when he needs a drink of water.

Tim Tebow reportedly led passengers in prayer on a Delta flight after a man on the plane passed out. People had never heard of that happening. Most of them had only experience having to pray whenever they found themselves on a flight with United.

A report says Team USA basketball players are not worried about the Zika virus. Mostly because there just isn’t a plane large enough to carry the team along with each of the players’ pregnant girlfriends and wives on the same flight.

A Microsoft customer won a $10,000 judgment against the company after they installed Windows 10 on her computer without her permission. Apparently she became upset that the upgrade made her have to buy a replacement for what the computer was used for while it was operating with Windows Vista. A paperweight.

A “Super Grand Canyon” was discovered on one of Pluto’s moons by the New Horizon spacecraft. And just like with the Grand Canyon on Earth, scientists looked at it for ten minutes  before saying “OK, let’s go home now.”

A report says that Beijing is sinking at the rate of four inches a year. The good news is that in 100 years without doing a thing the Great Wall will be 33 feet higher.

Hillary Clinton says she has “work to do” on trustworthiness. Which most people say they will believe when they see it.

Donald Trump has hired a former adviser to Ted Cruz to help with his campaign. Apparently the feeling is that if he was able to help in dealing with the attacks from Donald Trump, he can hold his own against anyone.

British Independent Party leader Nigel Farage says the idea that Brexit is causing stock market losses is “rubbish.” He says it’s insulting to take any credit away from the Wall Street bankers who manipulate the markets for their own gains on a daily basis.

The U.S., Canada and Mexico are vowing to use half of their electric power from clean energy sources by 2025. Mostly from the wind turbines to appease liberals that will be installed along the top of all the walls Donald Trump will be building along each of our borders.

President Obama gave a plug for equal pay for members of the WNBA. Which would either be millions of dollars if compared with the NBA or about 35 cents a game when comparing attendance with the average junior high school basketball game.

European leaders say they want a quick breakup with England after the Brexit vote. Which is like discussing the idea with your girlfriend of seeing other people and coming home to find all your clothes on the front lawn.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the latest numbers on my blog show that I am still nowhere near my goal of 7 Billion daily readers. Apparently this whole Internet thing is not catching on like I had hoped. I guess writing top quality (or somewhat less) jokes is not enough to get as much attention as sticking a Wookie mask on your face and howling like a hyena. I should have known better by now. So maybe I’m a bit jealous of the cat that gets a hundred times as many hits by walking across a piano. In the meantime, I can still be consoled for my lack of success when you all let me know you are still out there by remembering to take the time to always (or at least once in awhile) send the love!


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