Friday, June 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that skyrocketing housing costs and taxes are prompting an exodus from the state. Although if that was true, there wouldn’t have been anyone living inside the state borders since 1948.

A Russian runaway robot called IR77 that keeps escaping to seek freedom could be deactivated. To which Hillary Clinton is saying she’s tried it and it doesn’t work.

Fired Donald Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski has been hired as an analyst by CNN. Apparently the network feels if there is anyone who could perform the miracle of pulling them out of the ratings cellar, it’s the person who made Trump a frontrunner.

A report says for the first time ever, the U.S. is not the number one country for the super rich. Apparently the title now goes to the country with the most new millionaires, all those princes in Nigeria.

A report says for the first time ever, the U.S. is not the number one country for the super rich. The super rich still like living here. It’s just that their money now spends all its time in Switzerland, Bermuda and the Cayman Islands.

Bob Barker is accusing CBS of animal cruelty during the shooting of its series “Zoo.” The good news for CBS is that there really aren’t any witnesses since the show airs on CBS.

 Bob Barker is accusing CBS of animal cruelty during the shooting of its series “Zoo.” After which network CEO Les Moonves ordered Barker to be immediately neutered.

A jury has ruled there was no copyright infringement in the case alleging Led Zeppelin plagiarized the opening riff to “Stairway To Heaven.” Which is going to make it more difficult for a similar lawsuit brought by the person who wrote the song “Escalator To Purgatory.”

A jury has ruled there was no copyright infringement in the case alleging Led Zeppelin plagiarized the opening riff to “Stairway To Heaven.” The plaintiffs knew they were in trouble when the jury kept flicking their cigarette lighters every time the song was played.

A court has ruled Cleveland’s attempt to restrict protesting  outside the upcoming Republican National Convention is unconstitutional. Mostly because the Republican Party will have their hands more full dealing with the free-for-all going on inside.

A poll says 70% of voters feel that Donald Trump should cut his business ties during his presidential run. The only problem is that boosting the marketability of his businesses is the only reason he ran for the office in the first place.

Alibaba CEO Jack Ma says about counterfeit goods his business has “no tolerance” for people who rip off others’ intellectual property. Like someone who starts a huge online retailer coincidentally with exactly the same business model of Amazon.com.

A Senate investigation says Charter and Time Warner Cable rip off customers for at least $7.2 Million a year. And that is just for charging for basic cable that includes the Home Shopping Network.

A Senate investigation says Charter and Time Warner Cable rip off customers for at least $7.2 Million a year. How bad is it when even Congress is saying that the customers are paying for services they aren’t getting?

The City of Columbus won $50 Million for its plan to create the transit system of the future. Apparently the Ohio city got high marks for designing a transportation system that lets people get around the state without having to go through Cleveland.

Bank of America will pay a $430 Million settlement over misusing customers’ cash. Which is pretty significant considering the only job of a bank is supposedly to protect its customers’ cash.

New Barnes and Noble bookstores will reportedly start selling beer and wine. The idea is that if they can get customers drunk enough, some of them might actually buy a book.

A survey says the common career move of taking a breather from work for just a few years can result in losses of several hundred thousand dollars in lost wages and expenses. Although taking a break from the workforce was never called a common career move until it happened to pretty much everyone in 2008.

A research site says the best dog to take to work is a Vizsla, followed by a Golden Retriever. Except when it is time to negotiate a new contract in which case it’s best to walk into the boss’s office with a Pit Bull on a flimsy leash.

A study says that 73% of all movie reviewers on the website Rotten Tomatoes are men. Mostly because nobody wants to read the 27% of reviews filed by women about movies with subtitles, no car chases and everyone keeping their clothes on.

New York will now require mortgage lenders to maintain any abandoned homes before foreclosure. Which means they will just pay some homeless people $50 to become squatters so they don’t have to touch the property until they can unload it onto someone else.

IKEA has recalled child safety gates because of the risk of injuries. Not because the gates are defective, but from the children being hit by a flying hammer thrown in anger by their dad when he can’t figure out how to assemble them.

Researchers say a healthy lifestyle can cut the risk of cancer by 45%. To which people who smoke, drink and are overweight say that means the odds are still move than half in their favor.

The EPA says filtered water in Flint, Michigan is safe for drinking. At least for the people who work for the EPA and don’t live anywhere near Flint, Michigan.

A study says that people who have suffered ankle sprains are more susceptible later to heart and lung problems. Especially if they sprained their ankle running away after lighting up near some militant anti-smokers.

A study says how a person fights with their spouse can affect different body parts. For anyone who doesn’t believe it, just remember what happened to John Wayne Bobbitt.

A study says looking at a cellphone in bed at night could lead to temporarily losing the sight in one eye. Especially for the people who get poked in the eye by their partner when they see who they are messaging on Facebook.

Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have settled their divorce, with him getting the couple’s 1959 Cadillac along with his pinball games and comic book collection. Which means she is back on the market for anyone who has a net worth of $800 and is 12 years old.

Meat Loaf is set to release a new album in September. Preliminary reviews say it just a bunch of leftovers.

During testimony over a copyright infringement case, Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant says he doesn’t remember the band’s early days. The amazing part is that he can remember the bands later days after they had enough money to buy the really good drugs.

During testimony over a copyright infringement case, Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant says he doesn’t remember the band’s early days. Not to say the band is getting old, but they had to change the lyrics of the song in question “Stairway To Heaven” to “Handicap Accessible Elevator To Heaven.”

A video shows how old cash is now ground up and used to make compost. Or as that was previously known as, the congressional budget hearings.

A study says that all of today’s sperm whales descended from one female. To which feminists are complaining that despite that development the species is still named after the males’ contribution.

A scientist claims he can use brain scans to predict how a person will vote. Mostly by taking any brain scans showing no activity and ringing them up as a vote for Donald Trump.

A scientist claims he can use brain scans to predict how a person will vote. Mostly by counting any white people with thoughts of anger and rage as a vote for Trump.

A report says same sex couples spent more than $1 Billion on weddings last year. Which works out to a total of about $2,000 for the courthouse ceremonies and the other $999,998,000 for the caterers.

A report says that Donald Trump has his Vice Presidential list narrowed down to four people. Apparently they are the four Americans who have never heard of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump gave a deposition in the fraud case against Trump University where he couldn’t remember saying he had the world’s greatest memory. Not only that, he also forgot three times last week where he put the peanuts he uses to feed the squirrel still living on top of his head.

Bernie Sanders told his supporters to “never lose your sense of outrage.” In fact, the one thing he will miss by not being elected President will be the ability to look out the Oval Office window and yell “You kids get off my lawn!”

Facebook says it will train its employees to deal with their political biases. Although does it really require political objectivity to be able to sit and watch 400 cat videos every day?

The Federal Reserve says every major bank passed the latest stress test. Although in this economy the only stress test concerning banks is when depositors wonder how they will pay their bills with only $5 left in their checking account.

Donald Trump says he will forgive the $45 Million in loans he has made to his own campaign. The only question is whether the Republican Party will ever forgive him for handing the presidency over to Hillary Clinton.

A grandmother in England spent her 100th birthday serving as a bridesmaid for her granddaughter. The good news is the bride only had to come up with something new and borrowed as her grandmother covered both “something old” and “something blue.”

A former Secret Service Agent says Hillary Clinton drove the agents protecting her to drinking alcohol, having affairs and using hookers. To which Bill Clinton says “Hey, me too!”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday! I hope I am not the first person who had to remind you of that. I have a busy weekend ahead but don’t worry, I will take the time to crank out more jokes just in time for Monday. That means you still have two whole days to try to find the small amount of time it takes to remember to make sure to always send the love!


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