Thursday, June 23, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says partisan bad blood ahead of the November election  is at its highest in the U.S. since the late 1980s. Because everyone was so agreeable during the Obama, George W. Bush, Clinton, George H. W. Bush and Reagan Administrations.

A report says Russia is planning on developing teleportation within the next 20 years. Mostly so they can somehow try to subatomically transfer their economy out of 1968.

A new wearable device can reportedly track a person’s mental as well as physical health. Which is important so the wearer can try to ease the depression they suffer when they see just how out of shape they really are.

A study says that listening to Mozart can lower a person’s blood pressure. The only problem is having to apologize to your wife for annoying everyone else with all the snoring through the entire concert.

A study says that listening to Mozart can lower a person’s blood pressure. The only tough part is trying to explain to any teenagers who think “Moe Zart” must be the name of a new rapper.

A study says Americans spent more than $30 Billion on alternative medicine, including massage therapy, chiropractic manipulation and homeopathic treatment. At least that is what men tell their wives what is happening during their sessions when they get on the table.

A study says people under 30 have weaker grips than they did 30 years ago. Mostly because that is every teenager developed permanently inflamed tendons in both thumbs from permanently sitting at the controls of their home video consoles.

A study says irregular meal times can lead to high blood pressure, obesity and diabetes. Especially for the people who find that starting breakfast a little late runs into lunch, afternoon snack, happy hour, dinner, TV snack and fourth meal.

O’Hare International Airport in Chicago canceled 85 flights and was running 30 minutes late because of weather conditions on Wednesday. Which means that there were as many as three clouds reported overhead.

Hillary Clinton says she wants to bring in better paying jobs along with debt free college. Which are related as most jobs would be better paying if most the workers’ salaries didn’t go to pay off all their tuition loans.

Police in Georgia say a man died while unloading $12 Million worth of marijuana. Apparently the cause of death was heat exhaustion as he was said to be completely baked.

Police in Georgia say a man died while unloading $12 Million worth of marijuana. Which means that it was definitely not a shipment of medicinal pot.

Kia took first place in the J.D. Power quality survey which is based on flaws reported by owners in the first 90 days. Kia won mostly from the fact that their owners rarely decide to actually keep driving the car three months after they buy it.

Cleveland fans broke the NBA online store sales record after winning their first NBA title. Which isn’t hard to do after having all that extra money lying around from not having to buy any championship souvenirs for the past 50 years.

Donald Trump is set to visit Scotland on Friday with protests already being organized because of his business practices there. Which is nothing more than the Scots trying to make Trump feel like he never left the U.S.

Maine Governor Paul LePage has threatened to halt the food stamp program there because the federal government won’t stop people from using government funds to buy “Mars Bars and Mountain Dew.” Or as that is known in Alabama, Sunday family dinner.

A survey says that election uncertainty is taking a toll on business. Mostly for the companies that are expecting to lose many of their workers who are planning on moving out of the country after November.

An analysis says U.S. homes are selling at their strongest pace since 2007. Mostly for the people who finally have managed to save enough money to buy back their home that was foreclosed nine years ago.

The IMF has downgraded its outlook on the U.S. economy. People were surprised. Someone had an outlook about the economy that could actually go any lower?

A report says that Americans still want to own a home if they can afford it. In the meantime they can also think about their other equally achievable dreams of owning a private jet, a European castle and a Major League Baseball team.

Fiat Chrysler says it will stop using Takata airbags. Although that isn’t really necessary to switch as their vehicles aren’t really capable of going fast enough to cause the airbags to inflate in a collision anyways.

Fiat Chrysler says it will stop using Takata airbags. Which is unfortunate since those were the most reliable parts that were operational in any of their cars.

A study says middle aged adults with heart disease may be less sexually active than those with healthy hearts. Mostly because women find it a bit less stimulating when what used to be called foreplay is now just CPR.

Republicans have released what they call their alternative to Obamacare. Which pretty much means just repealing Obamacare.

For-profit medical schools are popping up around the country as a way of easing the shortage of doctors. The only question is who is believing other universities that charge $200,000 for medical school get away with calling themselves non-profits?

For-profit medical schools are popping up around the country as a way of easing the shortage of doctors. The only question is who is going to book an appointment with a specialist whose diploma on the wall comes from DeVry?

A study says brightly colored rooms help students study better. Which is a big difference from when they get bad grades and their parents are the ones seeing red.

A rare syndrome caused a Texas woman to awake from surgery speaking with a British accent. Although apparently it was just an attempt to see if she could qualify to have her medical bills covered by the British National Health Service.

A rare syndrome caused a Texas woman to awake from surgery speaking with a British accent. Which just didn’t sound right when she awoke from the anesthetic by yelling “How-Dee, Guv’nah!”

More than 300 people were arrested in a Medicare and Medicaid fraud scheme that bilked the government out of $900 Million. The suspects are being charged with impersonating a hospital.

A study explains why some people are not tempted into cheating on their spouse. It’s called the fear of losing half of everything they own.

A study says long work hours may harm a person’s health. Which is finally some good news knowing that since 2008 Americans must be the healthiest people on the planet.

A study says long work hours may harm a person’s health. The only question is which is worse, putting in 90 hours a week to keep from being fired, or after being fired working 30 hours a week at three minimum wage jobs to make ends meet.

DNA tests show that a Colorado prisoner is not the son of the late music legend Prince. He was hoping he was related so he could then call himself “the inmate formerly known as 357264.”

HBO has canceled the series “Vinyl” after previously saying it would be renewed. That’s the problem with vinyl. It’s hard to keep it from eventually getting scratched.

Ivanka Trump is being sued for a shoe design she claimed to be her own. Which is ironic that she is in the shoe design business as Republicans are heading into the National Convention trying to figure out a way to give her dad the boot.

The NHL has approved expansion into Las Vegas. Which means there will be more people on ice at any one time since the mob took over operations back in the 1940s.

The NHL has approved expansion into Las Vegas. There will be more ice at the home arena than any other location in town other than the casinos that offer a 24 hour buffet line.

A Swedish soccer player was kicked out of a game for excessive flatulence. Apparently he was just trying to “break wind like Beckham.”

A Swedish soccer player was kicked out of a game for excessive flatulence. He was already warned once but was sent off the field for turning the other cheek.

A report says that robots will replace 7% of U.S. jobs by 2025. The other 93% are safe as even the robots won’t take a position that pays less than $15 an hour.

A report says that robots will replace 7% of U.S. jobs by 2025. The rest won’t be in danger until the robots built in other countries figure out how to sneak in across the Mexican border.

A report says more people are using chip implants to open doors and control their cellphones. The good news is they can send out texts while driving with the same motion they use to flip off the person who just cut them off in traffic.

Bolivian President Evo Morales wants to change the Gregorian calendar for the one previously used by indigenous people that is in the year 5524. As opposed to Iran which is still trying to figure out how to move forward from the year 1273.

The Social Security trust fund is projected to run dry by 2034. Which is no big deal since that gives them plenty of time to fix the problem before the people currently in their 30s can even think about retiring for another 60 years.

A proposal says that robots should eventually be made to pay taxes once they take over the majority of jobs. The good news is that the IRS will allow computer couples to claim each of the cellphones and calculators they are raising as dependents.

Banks are using technology to save seniors from losing their money to scams and fraud. The banks want to make sure the seniors have plenty of money available for the bank to take with their outrageous fees and overcharges.

Banks are using technology to save seniors from losing their money to scams and fraud. That will ensure seniors will have enough money left to make a fortune from Nigerian princes, telemarketers and foreign lotteries.

The House of Representatives adjourned until July 5th after a gun legislation sit-in by Democrats halted business for more than 17 hours. Only Congress would find the solution to a work stoppage by taking a two week break.

Pennsylvania Democratic Representative Chaka Fattah says he will resign in October after being convicted on corruption charges. Apparently he needs the extra time to settle up with all his lobbyists when they return from summer vacation.

Pennsylvania Democratic Representative Chaka Fattah says he will resign in October after being convicted on corruption charges. Some lawmakers want him out sooner for embarrassing the institution. The other members of Congress take a certain amount of pride in never being caught.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A typically busy day on the way for me. I got up early, wrote 51 jokes (some of them actually funny), did 4,000 reps jumping rope and now have to go in early to work to help out with severe weather moving through the region. Think I’ll skip Karate class tonight for a bit of a break. I must be getting old. The one thing that always keeps me going, though is when you all remember to take the time to make sure and always send the love!



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