Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Two women were arrested for brawling at an IHOP in Memphis. People said the women must have been from outside the area. If they wanted to fight at breakfast, there was a perfectly good Waffle House located right down the street.

A report says mass hysteria caused a stampede at a New York City subway station. Obviously the report was written by someone who has never been to a New York City subway station during Tuesday rush hour.

A report says mass hysteria caused a stampede at a New York City subway station. There hasn’t been that much of a commotion at a Subway since Jared Fogle was tipped off to the FBI.

A report says 86% of the women taking the Marines combat fitness test failed. The only problem is that most the men taking the test think they can pass only because their training program consisted of playing three straight weeks of “Call of Duty.”

A tourism expert says hunting humans will be a big business for the super rich in the next 100 years. Apparently they would realize it is already happening if they would book a trip sometime to Chicago.

A tourism expert says hunting humans will be a big business for the super rich in the next 100 years. Which means once the world’s lion population is gone, make sure to not make any teeth cleaning appointments with that dentist in Minnesota.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says there is “considerable uncertainty” in the outlook for the U.S. economy. It’s too bad she isn’t in some sort of position to do something about it like being in complete control of the monetary flow of the entire nation.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says there is “considerable uncertainty” in the outlook for the U.S. economy. At least we are consistent. The only thing that has been certain about the economy since 2008 is its uncertainty.

Scientists say they are working on meat that can be manufactured without coming from any animals. To which McDonald’s says that idea has been around for years. It’s called their “menu.”

Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump’s economic plan, saying Alexander Hamilton  “would be rolling over in his grave.” That shows how much she knows. Apparently she isn’t aware that Hamilton is still singing and dancing twice a night on Broadway.

China is being criticized for holding an annual dog meat eating festival. Even Taco Bell is telling the people there they need to draw the line somewhere.

China is being criticized for holding an annual dog meat eating festival. Apparently it’s a tradition that was started years ago by members of their postal workers union.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says the Fed is not ready for another recession. Which wouldn’t be the case if they had actually done something to end the last one.

Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen says the Fed is not ready for another recession. To which everyone is asking “When did we get out of the last one?”

Chris Christie is proposing equal funding for all students in New Jersey schools. There obviously needs to be something done when the most successful people to come out of the New Jersey school system are the cast members of “Jersey Shore.”

A poll says voters favor Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton when it comes to the economy. When it comes to handling the nation’s money, they trust someone who personally runs his businesses into bankruptcy instead of getting paid millions of dollars in speaking fees to just talk about it.

An analysis says that Donald Trump’s tax and spend plan would triple the interest rate and add $14 Trillion to the national debt. In other words, his policy is to pretty much stay the course.

Some NFL teams are trying to eliminate fumbles by using practice balls that beep when they are held correctly. Now all the teams playing New England need to do is come up with a ball that sends an alarm when someone lets all the air out.

Chick-fil-A has been rated the nation’s favorite fast food chain restaurant, beating out Papa John’s, Little Caesar’s, Arby’s and McDonald’s. The sad part is that people could name all those restaurants but had no idea who was running against each other in the presidential primaries.

A survey says 66 Million Americans have no emergency savings. Unless it is taken into consideration that those people are in emergency status every month trying to find the money to pay the mortgage, car payment and credit card bill.

The FAA is giving the go ahead to commercial drone use. Apparently they thought they would move onto something new after failing miserably with the airlines, the TSA and the Air Traffic Controllers.

Some Starbucks customers are reportedly considering seeking damages from lattes that were served only 75% full. Plaintiffs are asking for a refund for the 25% they missed out on, which works out to around $15 a cup.

A study says that nearly 10 Million Americans are severely nearsighted. Which finally explains why so many people actually signed those subprime mortgage contracts with Countrywide.

 A study says that nearly 10 Million Americans are severely nearsighted. Which finally explains how Bruce Willis achieved the status of sex symbol.

A study says that nearly 10 Million Americans are severely nearsighted. Which would be much better news if there were more than a few dozen positions available to be an NBA referee.

A study says most Americans are eating better now than in 1999, with diets more rich in nuts, seeds and yogurt. The problem is the only time they eat those foods is when they are the ingredients in the newest doughnut creation at Krispy Kreme.

A study says kids in some U.S. cities have dangerously high blood lead levels. The worst part is the only way to really reduce the amount of lead people have in their systems is to start making bullets jacket with steel.

A study links being college educated with a higher risk of brain tumors. Mostly because those people don’t seek treatments for their headaches, assuming they are just from knowing they will spend the next 40 years paying off their tuition loans.

Kelly Osbourne is reportedly set to release her first memoir in 2017. Hopefully that will give her another year to actually make some sort of accomplishment that is worth anyone reading.

Kelly Osbourne is reportedly set to release her first memoir in 2017. That has inspired her dad Ozzy to also write a memoir, just as soon as he can remember anything that has ever happened any farther back than last Tuesday.

“This Old House” is set to take on and restore an older residence in Detroit. The house has a historic designation as it is one of the few homes built after 2003 that hasn’t been burned down yet.

The LP vinyl record is celebrating its creation 68 years ago this week. The good news is that after it became obsolete, its mascots Snap, Crackle and Pop were still able to find work as spokesmen for Rice Krispies.

The LP vinyl record is celebrating its creation 68 years ago this week. People under 30 are still amazed by their parents’ stories about the days when people actually had to pay to listen to their music.

Taylor Swift is taking on Youtube over copyright violations. Apparently she became angry when it was revealed that she had lost most of her clout in the industry because of much higher royalty fees paid out every month to a cat playing the piano.

Vin Scully had to sit out calling a Dodger game this week because of a sore throat. Apparently the 88 year old broadcasting legend strained his vocal cords yelling at the neighborhood kids to “Get off my lawn!” (Apologies to Vinny. This is pretty much blasphemy coming from a Dodger fan!)

A tattoo parlor in Ohio offered free Cavalier tattoos after Cleveland won the NBA Championship Sunday. Recipients will now have a lifelong souvenir of the Finals. They will also have the tattoo to show off every time they get treated for their Hep C.

100 cars in a 90 minute span were caught running a stop sign in a New Jersey neighborhood. Apparently the drivers felt they needed to keep moving so the bodies in the trunk didn’t have enough time to stiffen up from rigor mortis setting in.

A study says Millennials are not as glued to their cellphones as those from Generation X. Mostly because it’s hard to get a good connection when trying to get service into your parents’ basement.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk says he wants to build a robot that does housekeeping chores. Which means one day soon Arnold Schwarzenegger will announce he is the father of a bouncing baby Roomba.

Facebook is reportedly paying $50 Million to media companies and celebrities to make live videos. Finally, not having to wait until lunch to see what everyone we care about was actually eating for breakfast.

Apple’s new Photos app is able to recognize seven different facial expressions. Which for Donald Trump supporters will mean the full spectrum of angry, resentful, outraged, irritable, incensed, inflamed and infuriated.

Apple’s new Photos app is able to recognize seven different facial expressions. The only problem for teenagers using their iPhone for selfies is coming up with six other looks besides “duckface.”

Scientists say the Great Pyramid of Giza is 5 ½ inches off center. The worst part is that 4,500 years ago the engineer in charge wasn’t able to just grab a Snickers.

Instagram says it has reached 500 Million monthly users. Which means special thanks go out to the Kardashian family for motivating people to inundate the Internet with another half billion selfies every few minutes.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t know much about Hillary Clinton’s religion, questioning if she is really Christian. Apparently it all has to do with all those Voodoo dolls resembling Bill that were found lying around her home.

Iowa Representative Steve King wants Harriet Tubman’s picture kept off the $20 Bill, saying he doesn’t want to change anything because “we were happy” before. Apparently everything got all messed up the minute we left the year 1955.

Iowa Representative Steve King wants Harriet Tubman’s picture kept off the $20 Bill, saying he doesn’t want to change anything because “we were happy” with Andrew Jackson. Which at least is the first time anyone has been documented even hinting they might know anything about Andrew Jackson.

Donald Trump has reportedly spent one fifth of all his campaign money with companies he owns. The biggest problem with that was paying for former campaign manager Corey Lewandowski to learn about public relations at Trump University.

Donald Trump says he would be “very happy” to self fund his campaign for President. The good news is that if he falls any farther behind in the polls, his campaign will qualify for funding assistance from FEMA.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the election that just keeps on giving. The only way this could get any better is if Hillary wins so the country won’t collapse but she at least appoints Trump to a Cabinet position just to keep him around for fun. The only way this could be any better is if we still had Ross Perot around for another third party run. So while my job looks to be pretty easy from here through November, it is still imperative that you try to at least once in awhile keep me going by remembering to take the time to send the love!


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