Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new blood test will reportedly be able to tell the chances of a person having a heart attack within the next five years. The odds increase exponentially as the thickness of the patients’ blood goes from motor oil to maple syrup.

A west coast heat wave saw the mercury rise to 112 degrees in Beverly Hills. It was hotter than a traffic altercation between Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin.

A west coast heat wave saw the mercury rise to 112 degrees in Beverly Hills. It caused a lot of embarrassment for Cher as she left a trail of melted plastic while losing an arm, leg and both breasts.

Donald Trump has fired his controversial campaign manager Corey Lewandowski.  Apparently he made the ultimate mistake of making the headlines more often than Trump.

Donald Trump has fired his controversial campaign manager Corey Lewandowski who had a reputation of being abrasive, rude and insulting. In other words, Trump thought he had become too soft.

A poll says that 25% of voters are undecided about the presidential election. The other 75% are packing their bags and getting ready to leave the country.

Scientists say they have discovered a gene that makes people “chatty.” Apparently it is the same one that makes them more susceptible to becoming dependent on alcohol.

Artificial Intelligence is being taught to read and answer questions about the news. Which is great for most Internet users who can still get the latest information about world events without having to look away from their online porn.

Artificial Intelligence is being taught to read and answer questions about the news. Mostly by constantly repeating the phrase “We’re doomed.”

A report says hundreds of Japanese are suffering “earthquake sickness” where they lose their balance and have trouble walking even when there is no ground movement. The trick is getting the right match between the earthquake’s magnitude and the proof of the sake they are serving at the Geisha house.

Rome has elected its first woman mayor after 2,800 years. Apparently the people there really believed in the saying “When in Rome…”

A papyrus text that suggested Jesus was married has been declared a fake. Mostly because it didn’t come with a list of chores that Jesus was supposed to get done over the weekend.

The 7th game of the NBA Finals was the most watched since 1998. Apparently people were refusing to turn off the game until they saw someone actually make a shot in the fourth quarter.

A study says one free meal from a pharmaceutical company can influence which drugs doctors prescribe for their patients. Especially if the meal is at Taco Bell and the pharmaceutical rep is pushing medications for heartburn and indigestion.

A lock of hair from David Bowie is expected to be sold for $4,000 at an auction. It’s expected to be bid on by a beautician who sells you nutrition and wants to keep all his dead hair for making up underwear. (You have to be a Bowie fan to get that one)

A report says that Donald Trump’s position on guns was too extreme for the head of the NRA. That’s like having the Grand Wizard of the KKK telling you to be a little nicer to the minorities.

A report says that Donald Trump’s position on guns was too extreme for the head of the NRA. That’s like Trump’s hairdresser telling him his haircut is just not noticeable enough.

A study involving gamers says they will sacrifice sleep in order to keep playing their video games. Which is pretty obvious, especially the ones who haven’t bathed, worked or come out of their parents’ basement in the past three months.

A group of pediatricians says there is no level of lead that can be considered acceptable. Mostly because it would take an extremely high amount to even show up against the current levels in most kids of fat, sugar and salt.

A study says a half million concussions in teens were not seen by physicians or in an Emergency Room. Mostly because it’s hard to tell where the symptoms of a concussion end and where the traits of being a teenager begin.

Ticketmaster will be offering refunds to customers between 1999-2013 who were overcharged for tickets. That doesn’t even include the years when people were most likely to demand a refund for the tickets they bought to go see Justin Bieber.

Kim Kardashian posted a rare family photo on Father’s Day. It was rare because most of the photos she posts are always just selfies of her behind.

Justin Bieber was reportedly uninjured after falling through a trap door at a concert in Canada. Apparently the concert promoter thought it would only be fair to give the adults who had to be there with their kids something they wanted to see.

Iggy Azalea says she has broken up with basketball player Nick Young, citing “trust” issues. In other words, he is a man.

David Ortiz says all the attention he has been getting is making him regret saying it will be his last year in the Major Leagues. To which Brett Favre says he also regretted the last four times he did that.

The Warriors have already opened as the favorites to win the 2017 NBA Championship. All they need to do is have their coach instruct them that they have to keep playing once in awhile past the third quarter.

The Warriors have already opened as the favorites to win the 2017 NBA Championship. Even the presidential candidates who have already declared for 2020 are thinking the oddsmakers are jumping the gun a bit.

The Warriors have already opened as the favorites to win the 2017 NBA Championship. Apparently it all depends on how long it takes the team’s trainers to work with Stephan Curry and learn how to perform the Heimlich Maneuver.

11 year old LeBron James, Jr. has reportedly already received scholarship offers from Duke and Kentucky. Not because of his potential at basketball, but because his dad is one of the few parents who will actually be able to pay off his tuition in cash.

LeBron James revealed his “secret motivation” to winning the NBA Championship. Although it could have been well assumed to have something to do with wanting to keep up the $71 Million he earns every year in salary and endorsements.

A study says people believe that in 20 years there will be more robots than humans, pizzas will be delivered by drones and dating will be done through avatars. Until then everyone will just have to be satisfied with still having a job that wasn’t replaced by a machine, have their pizza delivered by their college educated child living in the basement and getting dates online by lying in their profile.

Google says it is teaming with doctors to improve people’s searches for medical symptoms online. Mostly by deleting the usual articles about diseases that scare everyone by saying what they have “probably” won’t kill them.

Google says it is teaming with doctors to improve people’s searches for medical symptoms online. Especially since most the symptoms people are suffering are a result of them staring at a computer screen all day trying to find out what illness they have.

Google says it is teaming with doctors to improve people’s searches for medical symptoms online. The least they can do is make it so the diagnosis of a headache doesn’t range from “tension” to “inoperable brain tumor.”

A hang glider is attempting to break the long distance flight record by sailing 475 miles across Texas. The conditions there are just right during the summer season. There is little air traffic, plenty of thermals in the hot sun and the bright conditions  make it less likely to be seen and shot down by target shooters.

A hang glider is attempting to break the long distance flight record by sailing 475 miles across Texas. He wants to promote his sport, show it is safe and mostly because he can get where he is going three times faster than booking it on United.

A report says China has passed the U.S. for the number of supercomputers it is operating. Not to say their computers are faster, but one of their machines knocked out Watson by suckering him to look down after telling him “Your shoes are untied.”

A new feature on Fitbit will remind people when it is time to go to sleep to get enough rest. Mostly from people staying up all night looking online to try to figure out how to read any of the information recorded by their Fitbit.

Donald Trump called fired campaign manager Corey Lewandowski “terrific” and “talented.” Which means Lewandowski should have seen it coming as that was exactly what he said to all the “Apprentice” candidates right before the words “You’re Fired!”

Angelina Jolie says the refugee crisis is threatening global peace and security. The only problem is that if there were global peace and security, there wouldn’t be any refugees in the first place.

A report says China is doing less cyberspying. Mostly because the only information they get by snooping on computers used by government employees is video games, dating sites and online porn.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham says the next President will probably be a “she.” Which may be a Freudian slip as that’s what he was hoping people would be saying if his campaign were more successful and we had a President named Lindsey.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham says the next President will probably be a “she.” Which means either he is backing Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump is going to make a desperate move to get votes from the liberal side by going transgender.

Protesters are planning on staging a “die-in” at NRA headquarters in Virginia. Which is not to be confused with the die-ins that are normally held at NRA headquarters when anyone actually tries to break in.

Moody’s Analytics says that if elected President, Donald Trump could hurt the economy. Which they will be more specific about just as soon as Trump actually says what he is going to do.

Moody’s Analytics says that if elected President, Donald Trump could hurt the economy. Although they aren’t sure yet, as it will depend on whether we have to end up switching our currency over to the Peso, Yuan or Ruble.

Auckland, New Zealand has gotten so crowded that its government is offering people $5,000 to leave. Which was immediately criticized by Donald Trump who says he can build them a wall for half that cost.

A new estimate says that the U.S. will spend $2.6 Trillion less on health care than was originally estimated after the passage of Obamacare. Most of that comes from the money saved by Congress finally giving up putting all their time into trying to repeal it.

A new estimate says that the U.S. will spend $2.6 Trillion less on health care than was originally estimated after the passage of Obamacare. Mostly from the blood pressure of Republicans finally returning to normal after giving up trying to do away with it.

A new estimate says that the U.S. will spend $2.6 Trillion less on health care than was originally estimated after the passage of Obamacare. Mostly because people’s health plan now pretty much covers the cost of seeing a doctor who tells them to take two aspirins and call him in the morning.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, LeBron James brought Cleveland its first pro sports championship in more than 50 years. Great news for the people who live in Cleveland. The bad news: You still live in Cleveland. It could be worse. You could be transferred to Detroit, so you have that going for you. You can’t blame Stephan Curry for the loss. It must be hard to shoot a basketball with your hands firmly clenching your throat the entire fourth quarter. The joke is still on all of us who will have to work another ten years to make what he did just in that final game. But you can help me make up for some of that by making sure to remember to always send the love!


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