Thursday, June 02, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the American death rate has increased for the first time in a decade. Mostly people jumping out the window when they realize Donald Trump may be the next President.

A study says that the rate of Americans having gay sex has doubled in the past 15 years. The question is, what were they calling what they were doing before that?

A study says that the rate of Americans having gay sex has doubled in the past 15 years. Apparently according to conservatives, it all started when someone walked into the wrong bathroom.

A study says long term use of over-the-counter cold medications is tied to dementia. Especially when people use the over-the-counter remedies because they can’t remember where they put the prescription their doctor gave them.

A report says young voters have given up on the government. The only question being what took the older voters so long?

A report says e-sports injuries are increasing. Although one remedy is to make sure there is someone around to flip them over on the couch every so often while they are playing video games to prevent those pesky bed sores.

A report says e-sports injuries are increasing. The good news is that instead of like the old days when athletes had to be treated for knee, elbow and head injuries, today’s video game jocks mostly need to be iced down for inflamed tendons in their thumbs.

A Texas high school will not allow graduating students to wear National Honor Society awards so others won’t feel left out. Also so those wearing the NHS awards aren’t shot at by all the other students wearing their NRA patches.

Sydney, Australia is planning to install low level traffic lights for people whose eyes are glued to their smartphones. The only difference between them and Americans is in Australia they post the meals they fixed on the barbee and look at videos of koalas.

Conspiracy theorists claim there is a secret bunker for the apocalypse buried under Denver International Airport. Which may finally explain where all those missing suitcases have been ending up.

Conspiracy theorists claim there is a secret bunker for the apocalypse buried under Denver International Airport. Or more likely it is a way for government officials to get to their flights while avoiding having to go through the TSA security lines.

A court says a North Carolina man can be forcibly medicated to see if that makes him competent to stand trial in a terror case. Which means the next wave of terrorism may be people who need prescription drugs but can’t afford to pay for health insurance.

Phil Mickelson says he needs to be more wary of the company he keeps after avoiding charges in an insider trading case. Too bad his parents never warned him of the white collar crimes that happen when you hang around with rich, white country club members.

Phil Mickelson says he needs to be more wary of the company he keeps after avoiding charges in an insider trading case. That means no more golf outings with former Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo or dinner parties with Martha Stewart and dropping his prison pen pal club letters to Bernie Madoff.

Ken Starr has resigned as chancellor of Baylor University in the wake of a football team sex scandal, saying “the captain goes down with the ship.” Although he sure had a different viewpoint when it was Monica Lewinsky who went down on Bill Clinton.

Forbes has downgraded Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes’ net worth from $4.5 Billion to zero in one day. There hasn’t been that much of a drop in anyone’s personal value since the most recent graduating class from Trump University.

Forbes has downgraded Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes’ net worth from $4.5 Billion to zero in one day. Even the people who started Pets.com are asking how that could happen.

Forbes has downgraded Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes’ net worth from $4.5 Billion to zero in one day. What’s worse is that right before the revision she transferred all her stock over to Yahoo.

The U.S. has designated North Korea as a primary money laundering concern. To which  the Koreans are saying the U.S. is racist in assuming anything having to do with Asians involves a laundry.

A lawsuit claims that McDonald’s “vehicle only” policy at its drive-thru windows discriminates against the blind. What’s worse is the blind not being able to go inside the restaurant and see how fat the customers have gotten from eating at McDonald’s every day.

A lawsuit claims that McDonald’s “vehicle only” policy at its drive-thru windows discriminates against the blind. What’s worse is that the menu isn’t in Braille so any blind person driving their car into the drive-thru can’t even see what they can order.

Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a “fraud” who is trying to scam Americans. Trump denies the claim, saying that after 40 years of self-promotion and free publicity making him a $10 Billion fortune, he doesn’t even have to try anymore.

Shaquille O’Neal went undercover as a Lyft driver to make a Youtube video. Although passengers became a little suspicious when their ride showed up in a stretch limo with the driver sitting in the back seat just so he had enough leg room to use the gas pedal.

A poll says U.S. workers’ perception of hiring activity at their workplace is the most positive since 2008. The only problem is that the employers are advertising for jobs for cheap foreign workers who are going to replace the current staff.

A report says most new jobs in the Los Angeles area will be low paying. Mostly because with the cost of housing, utility and taxes, any job in L.A. with a salary of under $400,000 a year is below the poverty level.

A study says that long term pot use can result in gum disease. Mostly for the stoners whose teeth have all fallen out because every time they get high they eat a bag of Oreos, a box of cinnamon rolls and three packs of Twinkies.

The FDA is calling for less salt in processed food. Which is ironic in that if all the salt is taken out of food, it isn’t considered processed anymore.

A Mississippi woman who wanted to eat the placenta after giving birth had to get a court order first. Mostly because of the fact it is a criminal offense in Mississippi to eat anything that isn’t deep fried.

A New Jersey woman is walking a casket 80 miles to raise awareness for mental health. The only problem in that in New Jersey walking a casket for 80 miles is considered completely normal behavior.

A New Jersey woman is walking a casket 80 miles to raise awareness for mental health. Although in New Jersey, most people have never seen a casket as bodies usually just end up floating in the Hudson River.

A study says that therapists discriminate against black and poor people. Which is ironic in that the black and poor want to see a therapist in the first place for being depressed over being discriminated.

A New Jersey school district is being investigated for letting rapper Fetty Wap shoot a video at his old high school. People were suspicious of the allegations. Since when has any rapper actually gone to high school?

A New Jersey school district is being investigated for letting rapper Fetty Wap shoot a video at his old high school. Apparently he was nostalgic as “Fetty Wap” is the sound that a high school locker makes when it slams shut on the head of a freshman.

“Teen Mom OG” star Maci Bookout delivered her third child at age 24. Which is good as not every student takes what they learned in high school and apply it through their adult years as well.

Naomi Campbell is celebrating 30 years as a top fashion model. She has written a book to mark the occasion, noting it was tough back then when a personal assistant made a mistake and she had to be able to pull a rotary phone out of the wall to hit them with it.

San Diego Padres executive chairman Ron Fowler says his team is a “miserable failure.” It’s just too bad he isn’t in a position where he could actually make some trades and develop a policy that could help the team do better.

San Diego Padres executive chairman Ron Fowler says his team is a “miserable failure.” To which fans of the team are asking “Has this guy read a newspaper since 1969?”

Barry Bonds says he regrets his reputation as being a jerk. He blames it all on when he mysteriously bulked up and hitting all those home runs which seemed to give him a big head.

Novak Djokovic has become the first tennis player to make $100 Million in career winnings. Although that could lead to an investigation, as anyone making that much money is usually involved in some sort of racket.

Cleveland Indians outfielder Marlon Byrd has been suspended for 162 games for PEDs, saying that he alone is responsible for what he puts in his body. Which was sad in that players actually feel they need to cheat to become good enough to play for Cleveland.

Cleveland Indians outfielder Marlon Byrd has been suspended for 162 games for PEDs, saying that he alone is responsible for what he puts in his body. To which Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco are saying he should have been like them and hired someone to operate the syringe.

The PGA Tour has moved the WGC event from Trump National Doral to Mexico City. Which is bad news for Donald Trump’s campaign for President. Once he loses the white country club golfers’ vote he is pretty much done.

The PGA Tour has moved the WGC event from Trump National Doral to Mexico City. Which just means that Donald Trump is still going to build that wall, but he will instead move it south of the border just far enough to surround the new tournament site.

Federal flood officials in Texas are using Twitter to alert residents of danger. Which is good until their smartphones quit working because they didn’t get any tweets until the phones were under six feet of water.

Federal flood officials in Texas are using Twitter to alert residents of danger. It’s good to see the federal government has come so far with the lessons learned during Hurricane Katrina that they will now send tweets to tell people they are on their own.

A report says that San Francisco, New York and San Jose are the most expensive cities in the country to rent. Not to say it is out of control, but a month’s rent in those cities is what is known by home buyers across the rest of the country as a down payment.

A report says renewable energy is supplying a quarter of the world’s power. What’s worse is that three quarters of the world’s energy is needed to drill for oil and invade the countries that still have some.

Volkswagen says ride sharing will be the second largest part of its auto manufacturing business. Apparently they feel there is much room for growth in giving other people rides as long as they are still buying cars made by Fiat Chrysler.

Researchers say they may have found the site of the original Alamo. Which is sacrilegious for Texans to realize it was lost for all those years because no one could remember it.

Dan Rather ripped Donald Trump’s tirade against the media earlier in the week, saying he felt a shudder down his spine. It was so bad, he says he felt more comfortable around the guy who asked him “What’s the frequency, Kenneth?”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am celebrating an anniversary of sorts today. It was on June 2nd, 1980, 36 years ago that I started my career in broadcasting. Add that to the 15 or so years I have been writing jokes and that amounts to more than 50 years of financial underachievement. But what can I say, I enjoy them both. I had better or I would have to be considered completely insane. Just as I question the sanity of anyone coming to this site every day, but at least you have my thanks and gratitude for making me think it is somewhat enjoyable at times. By the way, my first broadcasting gig was at KDGO radio in Durango, Colorado. After that I got into TV and went to Farmington, NM; Medford, OR; Santa Maria, CA; Wichita, KS; Syracuse, NY; Dallas, TX and now Charleston, WV. You know, all the glamour spots. But I have met a lot of great people over the years, mostly in the moving business. Hopefully I can stay here a few more years, but at least no matter where I end up I can reach you all through the magic of the Internet. And you can do the same, just by remembering to make sure to always send the love!

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