Sunday, June 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Rio de Janeiro has declared a financial disaster two months before the start of the Olympics. Apparently the cost of a new stadium and improvements to the city took everything they had left after the initial bribing of Olympic officials to get the Games.

Record heat moved into the U.S. desert southwest over the weekend. It got hotter in some areas than the meeting room of the Donald Trump Crisis Management team.

A study says Viagara is good for men’s hearts. At least until they are confronted by their wife after she accidentally finds their stash.

California Governor Jerry Brown has refused to declare an emergency for homelessness. Mostly because half the people considered homeless are simply waiting to come up with enough money for a down payment on the $800,000 two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima they are trying to buy.

Stephen Curry’s wife says the NBA Finals are “rigged.” To which Bernie Sanders is saying just wait until her husband tries to get the Democratic Party nomination for President.

A report says Detroit is the most dangerous city to drive in. Not because of any road hazards, but because once people stop driving and get out of their cars, they are in Detroit.

A study says that the average car payment has exceeded $500 a month for the first time.  Which is still a bargain for the people who can also budget it as rent since they have been living in their vehicle since 2008.

Rolls Royce has introduced a self-driving concept car. Although Rolls Royce pioneered the idea of self-driving cars for the wealthy for years. It’s called a “chauffeur.”

The federal government says it won’t file a fraud suit against former Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo. Apparently there is a lot of pressure put on prosecutors to back off. If they convict Mozilo for criminal acts that crashed the economy, what’s to stop them from going after every member of Congress?

The federal government says it won’t file a fraud suit against former Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo because they couldn’t show any fraudulent intent. Who would have had any idea that selling billions of dollars of worthless mortgages to enrich themselves would have helped crash the world economy?

The federal government says it won’t file a fraud suit against former Countrywide CEO Angelo Mozilo. Even Bernie Madoff is saying “Get me that guy’s lawyer now!”

California has passed France as the world’s 6th largest economy. Apparently France has lost some of its edge with a worldwide decrease in the demand for imported wines, edible snails and red berets.

California has passed France as the world’s 6th largest economy. Apparently California was able to pass them because of the money still generated there from sales of soap, razors and perfume.

A study says 85% of American income gains during the recovery went to the top 1%. The other 15% went to the people who were paid by the top 1% to find out why they didn’t get 100% of the income gains.

A California program that increases access to healthy food for low income residents through farmers’ markets is waiting for new funding. The ironic part is that most the state’s low income residents are the ones who are still working on all the farms.

A report says that Americans’ confidence in banks is still below 30%. Mostly because the other 70% saw their last money disappear from the bank back in 2008.

Astronauts are asking Congress to provide them with health benefits. To which NASA is proposing all their astronauts now be allowed to go ahead and just keep those Fitbits they give them to wear when they are in space.

Astronauts are asking Congress to provide them with health benefits. To which Congress is telling them if they go on enough missions with NASA, health care is pretty much going to be unnecessary.

A study says that living near an airport can cause high blood pressure. The good news is that it is nowhere near as high as the people who are actually inside the airport trying to fly somewhere on United Airlines.

A study says the Mediterranean Diet that includes olive oil and nuts is linked to weight loss. Mostly because who wants to eat a bunch of nuts that have been soaking in olive oil?

A study says that hospitalizations for heart failure spike after major holidays. Mostly right around two weeks past Christmas when the first round of holiday shopping credit card statements start arriving.

A study says that 1 in 5 trauma victims dies unnecessarily. Which is bad for the other 4 whose deaths are apparently considered a necessity.

A study says that 1 in 5 trauma victims dies unnecessarily. Mostly because they wouldn’t have suffered the trauma in the first place if they had only taken the advice to move out of Chicago.

A study says that forgiving others is good for a person’s health. Which explains why women live so much longer than their husbands.

A report says 1 in 13 young U.S. adults have considered committing suicide. The other 12 have never looked into how much they will have to borrow to get a college education.

A study at the University of Utah says that women who have no sexual partners before getting married are the least likely to get divorced. Although the Utah study didn’t say what the odds were for the other five women married to their husband.

A study at the University of Utah says that women who have no sexual partners before getting married are the least likely to get divorced. The interesting part was that the researchers and husbands of the women believed the part about no previous sexual partners.

Steven Spielberg is planning to a remake of “West Side Story.” Reports say that he will combine two blockbusters when the Jets go to fight the Sharks and find out they are squaring off against the great white Spielberg used in “Jaws.”

Recent divorces have left the reality TV show “Real Housewives of New York” without any wives. Which means the title has about as misleading as “Dancing With The Stars.”

Former “Saved By The Bell” star Dustin Diamond reportedly owes $100,000 in taxes to Wisconsin. The only question is how did he manage to make enough money to have to pay any income tax in the first place?

A report says that charging a smartphone costs about 84 cents a year. Although that doesn’t include the expense of getting divorced when your wife finds out who has been sending you naked pictures and crashing your car when texting while driving.

Mattel has released Video Game Developer Barbie. Which is ironic in that sales of Barbies have tanked ever since kids put away their dolls to spend all day sitting in front of a PlayStation 3.

Scientists say they have discovered oxygen in a galaxy 13.1 Billion light years away. That was easy. The hard part is finding any oxygen left in the air sitting over any three cities in China.

IBM is looking to use technology to end turbulence on airplanes. Apparently the engineers there figured it would be a lot easier to do that than have to go through another flight having to clean up after Watson has another bout with airsickness.

IBM is looking to use technology to end turbulence on airplanes. Now if they could just do something to stop the turbulence coming from United Airlines customer service employees when dealing with another canceled flight and lost luggage.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly broke his arm when he fell off his bicycle. The only problem is finding enough space on his cast to get it signed by all 500 Million of his Facebook friends.

Donald Trump is threatening to fund his presidential campaign by himself if the GOP cuts off its support. Which is ironic in that if other people had been willing to make such reckless bets, Trump’s Atlantic City casinos may still be in business.

A bank  executive is pushing for the end of the $100 Bill because he claims it helps criminals stay in business. Mostly because anyone who actually has a $100 Bill in their wallet is assumed to only have been able to get it through criminal activity.

A bank  executive is pushing for the end of the $100 Bill because he claims it helps criminals stay in business. Although most Wall Street executives say without $100 Bills, what will they be able to use instead to light their Cuban cigars?

A bank  executive is pushing for the end of the $100 Bill because he claims it helps criminals stay in business. Although most people say that since 2008, they haven’t seen much of a need for any denomination over $10.

Donald Trump gave a speech where he compared himself to Wayne Newton. Mostly because of all the free time he has gotten from MSNBC, CNN and Fox News which keeps him constantly telling them “Danke Schoen.”

A poll says that more than half of all Americans favor doing away with the Electoral College. Especially the ones who supported George W. Bush in 2000 and found it much easier to just have the President appointed by the Supreme Court.

A poll says that more than half of all Americans favor doing away with the Electoral College. The other half say they think it’s OK as long as there is still a need to educate our children to become electors.

A poll says 53% of Americans think Congress is doing a poor or bad job. The other 47% were thinking more along the lines of disastrous, incompetent or catastrophic.

A poll says 53% of Americans think Congress is doing a poor or bad job. What could possibly be taking them so long to actually destroy the country like they appear to be trying to do?

A report says that former “Beverly Hills, 90210” stars Tori Spelling and Tiffany Thiessen have ended their feud. Which is great news for anyone who just came out of a coma they fell into back in 1996.

A report says that former “Beverly Hills, 90210” stars Tori Spelling and Tiffany Thiessen have ended their feud. Apparently the ten year old squabble ended when they both miraculously remembered their lines.

Dustin Johnson won the U.S. Open even after being penalized a stroke for a moving ball. The U.S. Golf Association waited 13 holes while reviewing it to inform Johnson of the penalty. Apparently all the decisions by the USGA have now been handed over to the USDA.

Dustin Johnson won the U.S. Open even after being penalized a stroke for a moving ball. The decision took 13 holes while being reviewed. Which means that Seattle Seahawks fans still have hope the final pass interception in Super Bowl XLIX could still be overturned.

Dustin Johnson won the U.S. Open even after being penalized a stroke for a moving ball. The decision took 13 holes while being reviewed. The USGA Rules Committee will now go back to their regular job overseeing all elections in Florida.

A Golden State Warriors fan paid nearly $100,000 for two seats for the NBA Finals Game 7 against Cleveland. Even at Yankee Stadium for that money there would have been enough left over for a couple of hot dogs and a beer.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back! Hope you missed me. I was in Texas for a few days for a meteorology conference. We learned how to forecast “hot.” It was 97 degrees and humid, which was a brilliant move by the conference organizers who found a way to make the attendees actually want to stay inside the air conditioned rooms and listen to the programs. But I made it back safely, thanks to a long sprint through the Atlanta Airport to catch the last flight out for the day to make it back home. So it’s back to my normal schedule of writing the jokes. This is the second “vacation” I have taken from this blog this year, something I haven’t done in forever. Which means the revenue I lost by not posting amounted to a total of…oh, yeah. Zero. The same amount I get from this while I am posting. Oh, well. As long as you like the jokes it is worth my time. Especially when you make the effort to always remember to send the love!


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