Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says high cholesterol does not cause heart disease in the elderly. Mostly because most the people with high cholesterol levels are already long dead by the time they even get close to being elderly.

A priest in Cyprus got upset with the groom’s brother during a wedding and punched him in the face. It made for a new custom of “something old, something new, something borrowed, black and blue.”

Microsoft has made a deal to buy professional network LinkedIn for $26.2 Billion. Mostly so they can have access to the site and see just how many of their employees are looking to get a better job somewhere other than Microsoft.

A report says a robot that can choose to hurt humans has been invented. Apparently the way it hurts them is by taunting them after it has been programmed to take over their job.

The FAA wants to fine Amazon $350,000 for shipping leaky and corrosive cargo. Although Amazon says it is planning to fix the problem with the Jesus toast available on its Sell Your Stuff Store.

A report says the Wall Street “fear index” has hit its highest point in the past five months. The fear index is based on how much bonus money is given to bank executives to make them think all their dangerous policies are actually working.

Author Deepak Chopra is touting a cellphone app that promotes self awareness, well being and fitness. All of which can be achieved much more easily by someone the minute they actually put down their cellphone.

A startup in California offers nap time in a mobile sleep pod for $7 to $13. Which turns out to be nowhere near as effective or satisfying as the naps people take at their desk while on company time.

IHOP has introduced a Denver omelet on a hamburger that contains 1,000 calories and 67 grams of fat. Which after eating changes the name “IHOP” to "INTLDASFTH" for “I need to lie down and sleep for three hours.”

IHOP has introduced a Denver omelet on a hamburger that contains 1,000 calories and 67 grams of fat. It’s a real time saver. Now all they have to do is throw a steak in on top and you get all three meals at one sitting.

Wal-Mart stores in Canada will no longer be taking VISA cards because of the expense. Which will be a minor inconvenience for the three people who shop at Wal-Mart who have a good enough line of credit to actually qualify for a VISA card.

A report says fake gold and silver coins are flooding the collectors’ market. The sad part is that most Americans call it coin collecting when they go to the bank to cash their paycheck from work.

A report says fake gold and silver coins are flooding the collectors’ market. Which is no big deal since most people are paying for them with dollar bills that aren’t worth the paper they are written on.

Behavioral scientists are using psychological testing on Artificial Intelligence. The only problem is that every time they show them a Rorscach ink blot the programs think the computer they are housed in must have had an oil leak.

A doctor in China says he wants to do a whole body transplant. He is calling it a body transplant mostly because he saw how much trouble that Italian doctor got into when he proposed a human head transplant.

A study says long term pot use is linked to changes in the brain’s reward system. Mostly because most stoners feel the greatest reward possible after getting high is a pepperoni pizza, package of Oreos and a bag of Doritos.

The U.S. government is going to invest $200 Million to shorten the wait list for organ donations. Mostly by using the money for airfare to fly transplant patients to other countries where the operations don’t take two years to go through all the red tape.

A study says 7.8% of all employees are workaholics. The other 92.2% are looking for work after getting fired because they don’t spend 18 hours a day in the office.

A study says 7.8% of all employees are workaholics. Mostly to make up for the other 92.2% who never get anything done at the office because they are workteetotalers.

A study says that going to church may lower the risk of a person’s death. Especially when they go worship at congregations that have switched over to low fat communion wafers.

A study says that going to church may lower the risk of a person’s death. Which is sad because it just delays the Eternal Life they wanted to guarantee themselves by going to church in the first place.

A new trend for Hollywood celebrity women is to take selfies without any makeup. Apparently they don’t want their cosmetics to cover up all the improvements they have seen since they started getting regular Botox injections.

Former NBA player Mychal Thompson says LeBron James acts too “entitled.” Although the way the Cavaliers have been playing in the Finals he is set to leave the court once again as “un-titled.”

A psychiatrist says convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius should be in a hospital for his mental illness and not in jail. Which is fine with most people as long as the hospital has armed guards and bars on the doors and windows.

Prosecutors in France say 150 well-trained Russian hooligans were behind recent soccer violence in France. The only question is who was actually able to get soccer hooligans to cooperate long enough for any sort of training?

Researchers say a 2,000 year old hunk of butter found in Ireland may still be edible. At least a lot more edible than the pig trotters, tripe  and blood sausage served at any of the local Irish pubs.

Researchers say a 2,000 year old hunk of butter found in Ireland may still be edible. Depending on how much Irish whiskey they can get into the volunteer they are trying to get to try some.

Mongolia is swapping all addresses for three word phrases to be used for mailing purposes. The three word phrase for most deliveries there will be “Where is Mongolia?”

Apple has added an emergency SOS feature to its Apple Watches. Wearers can use it to call 911 when someone makes off with their iPad because they never take their eyes off their watch screen.

Apple has added an emergency SOS feature to its Apple Watches. It comes in handy when wearers need to call 911 for an ambulance after crashing their car into a tree when using their watch to text while driving.

Facebook’s safety check was used for the first time after the Orlando shooting to let people know they were safe. But mostly the feature is for parents to be warned their children may be in danger when it senses they have opened an account on Myspace.

Two tech experts have written a book about how to be able to understand “Silicon Valley speak.” Although anyone who wants to have a conversation with a tech geek just needs to know to not try to talk about sports,  working out or dating.

Data says Alaska is the state with the highest average credit card debt. Mostly the people who are using their credit card to pay for all the flights they need to take every once in awhile just to get out of Alaska.

Data says Alaska is the state with the highest average credit card debt. Mostly because only the people who are independently wealthy can afford to pay off their heating bill in full every month.

A study says younger adults are more likely to be narcissistic than past generations. Which is why so many people under 30 are supporting Donald Trump because they can just seem to relate to him so well.

Donald Trump has revoked the press credentials of the Washington Post reporters covering his campaign. But then who needs a newspaper when there is 24/7 access to TV coverage any time over at MSNBC, CNN and Fox News?

A study says men are half as likely to go to a doctor than women. The reasons given are fear, shame and discomfort. And that is just for when the doctor puts on the latex gloves for the prostate exam.


That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I will try to keep the jokes coming the next few days but it might be a little more difficult as I will be attending a weather conference. See how that other job I have keeps getting in the way of what I need to get done? Oh, well. I will try my best. Which as you know by reading my jokes every day is more than I usually do. In the meantime, just because I will be a little busy doesn’t mean that is an excuse to avoid taking the time to make sure to keep sending the love!

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