Sunday, June 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



Bob Dole says he is supporting Donald Trump for President. Apparently he sees the chance for someone to come along who can take a bigger beating in a presidential election than Dole in 1996.

Donald Trump gave a replacement hat for the “Make America Great Again” for a California boy who was banned from wearing it at school and then was eaten by his dog. The boy then asked Trump if he could also replace all his homework that was eaten the past 228 days by the same dog.

The NFL is mandating that coins must rotate during the coin flip. The rule was approved after the side supporting it correctly called “heads” on the customary rule change coin toss.

The NFL is mandating that coins must rotate during the coin flip. Not only that, but thanks to Tom Brady officials before the game will be checking the financial pages for the threat of any monetary deflation.

The owner of a Vermont weekly newspaper is holding an essay contest of which the winner will take over the business. The only problem is finding someone under 50 who still actually knows how to write an essay without texting it on a smartphone or using emojis.

The owner of a Vermont weekly newspaper is holding an essay contest of which the winner will take over the business. Apparently he is tired from writing every single story over the past year and a half about Bernie Sanders.

Mitt Romney says he will not consider a run for the White House. If he is this late even deciding to run, what’s he going to do if he wins? Move into the White House in 2018?

Mitt Romney says he will not consider a run for the White House. Although he had better decide soon as the field is already becoming set for who will be the nominees in 2020 and 2024.

A judge in Georgia refused to allow a woman transitioning to be a man to change their name because it contained “Elijah” which the judge considered too masculine. For someone who is changing their gender identity to becoming a man, isn’t that sort of the whole point?

A judge in Georgia refused t allow a woman transitioning to be a man to take the name “Elijah” because he considered it too masculine. If that’s the case, why was the role of the hobbit Frodo Baggins in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy played by Elijah Wood?

A report says light pollution prevents one in three people from being able to see the Milky Way at night. To which most people aren’t concerned, they would rather have it light so they can find the four Milky Way candy bars they eat every day after lunch.

A British couple has been ordered to pay compensation to men they were forcing to work as slaves. Not only that, they could also be sued by the Walton family of Wal-Mart for stealing their business model.

A study says the best way to avoid dementia is to exercise. Although you know it might be a bit too late when you go out for a run and can’t remember where you were supposed to be going and how to get back.

A study says the best way to avoid dementia is to exercise. Although some people like the idea of sitting on the couch all day binge watching and then being able to watch the same episodes all over again like they were new.

A Brazilian Olympic competitive shooter was shot in the head during a robbery in Rio de Janeiro. And other athletes complain about how their coaches holding some tough practice sessions.

A report says there is an epidemic of auto burglaries in the Bay Area.. Mostly because the criminals aren’t worried about stealing from anyone they know as only a tourist would think of trying to drive a car around San Francisco.

Leprosy sufferers are at the Vatican stepping up their fight against the stigma of the illness. The only problem is when they say they would give their right arm for a cure, they may have already done it.

Google is being accused of keeping negative terms like “crime” and “indictment” out of searches for Hillary Clinton. To which Donald Trump’s supporters want the same treatment in searches for Trump to hide terms like “racist,” “jerk” and “insane.”

The longest continually running coffee house in the country in New York will move its location temporarily during renovations. Fortunately for the people near the original location, they will be able to still get some coffee at the 12 Starbucks located on the next block.

The presidential election in Peru was a narrow victory for Kuczynski over Fujimori. Having a Polish and Japanese names on the ballot for the top spot in a South American country makes having the first black President possibly being replaced by the first woman President in the U.S. seem like small potatoes.

The presidential election in Peru was a narrow victory for Kuczynski over Fujimori. It was also a tremendous defeat for anyone still living with preconceived sterotypes of South America.

A report says the NSA didn’t help the FBI try to unlock the iPhone of the San Bernardino shooters because they didn’t know how. Not only that, but they couldn’t come over because they locked the keys in their car and couldn’t remember the pass code to get back in their office.

An anonymous bidder is paying $3.5 Million for lunch with Warren Buffett. The embarrassing part is that the winner got involved because they saw his name and mistakenly thought they were bidding on a buffet.

An anonymous bidder is paying $3.5 Million for lunch with Warren Buffett. His advice to the person will more than likely be that they paid about $3,499,995 too much for the meal.

An anonymous bidder is paying $3.5 Million for lunch with Warren Buffett. The worst part is that they aren’t even aware that doesn’t include another $700,000 for the 20% gratuity.

Delta Airlines says it will offer free entertainment including movies, TV shows and music to all its passengers. Which will be good news for fliers with United if they make the same offer as they will be able to watch every episode of “Downton Abbey” while sitting on the tarmac for three days.

American Airlines says it will reward frequent fliers based on the money they spend for tickets and not miles. Unfortunately the offer doesn’t include fees or passengers would qualify for another free trip every time they checked in a bag, asked for a blanket or bought a bottle of water.

A ride sharing service described as an “Uber for kids” is starting up in San Francisco. There used to be another term for getting kids rides to where they needed to go. It was called a “bicycle.”

80s metal rock band Iron Maiden is flying a chartered 747 on its latest tour which will be piloted by frontman Bruce Dickenson. Not to say the band is getting older, but besides piloting the plane Dickenson will give the other band members personal lessons on how to navigate around on a Rascal scooter.

Six airlines are planning to start routes from the U.S. to Cuba. One of them is not United Airlines as they are still waiting to get clearance for takeoff from the last flight they had scheduled out of Havana in 1957.

A thief dressed as an Apple employee was able to steal $16,000 worth of iPhones from an Apple Store. Stealing $16,000 worth of iPhones means he was able to walk out hiding one in both his pockets.

A thief dressed as an Apple employee was able to steal $16,000 worth of iPhones from an Apple Store. Police are looking for a man wearing khaki pants, a Polo shirt and sporting a man bun.

A report says that some celebrities get worse health care because of “VIP Syndrome” where the lure of wealth and fame can cause doctors to take risks. The first sign of VIP Syndrome is when a celebrity is picked up in a limo instead of an ambulance and the ER has a red carpet and velvet rope.

A Brazilian health official says the risk of catching the Zika virus at the Olympics in Rio is “almost zero.” Which is exactly the same odds of the Brazilian Olympic team actually medaling in an event.

The CDC is warning of a drink called “Dew Shine” made with Mountain Dew mixed with racing fuel. Doctors are concerned about mixing any toxic substance with another beverage, so people are being told they are better off just sticking to the racing fuel.

A study says that children in areas where there are a high number of foreclosures tend to lose weight. Mostly because when they get kicked out of their home they also lose their all day access to the couch and refrigerator.

A new dating site has been started for supporters of Donald Trump called “TrumpSingles.” Although the site hasn’t been endorsed by Trump, mostly because he questions why any single people would have the desire to date anyone other than Donald Trump.

Rod Stewart was knighted by Elizabeth II. Although there was some confusion when Stewart was told he would be sharing the stage with the Queen and he thought it meant he was performing a duet with Elton John.

Former NFL referee Mike Carey will not be returning to CBS next season. Apparently the rules analyst kept having trouble during broadcasts being able to see the monitor he was supposed to be looking at.

Daniel Suarez has become the first Mexican driver to win a NASCAR race. Until now, the only Mexicans who crossed the finish line successfully were riding in the trunk.

Donald Trump says he wants Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger to speak at the Republican National Convention. Because who better to speak on your behalf than a couple of guys who have never been the subject of any controversy themselves?

Hockey great Gordie Howe’s funeral is set to take place in Detroit after he died last week at age 88. His greatest accomplishment was being able to survive 88 years living in Detroit.

Calls to limit skyrocketing rents are being made in Silicon Valley. People knew it was getting out of hand when renters were lamenting that the biggest problem in only being able to afford to live in a refrigerator box was not having enough room to have a refrigerator.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration chief is questioning the safety level of self-driving cars. Although he needs to remember if it weren’t for humans being behind the wheel, there would never have been a need for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration in the first place.

A study says that Black Friday is also the best day to look for deals on used cars. Especially the ones that were driven through the walls of retail stores in order to get in first ahead of the people waiting in line.

A report says that 8 Billion devices around the world are connected to the Internet. Which is good in the fact that with 7 Billion people on the planet, that means no one should have to go without the ability at any time to watch some online porn.

A study says that people’s eyes are not bigger than their stomachs, in the fact that people tend to eat less when they can’t see their food. Also, if people’s eyes were really bigger than their stomachs most Americans would be able to see Pluto without a telescope.

Donald Trump is insisting he was endorsed by boxing promoter Don King despite King’s denials. The only question is which of their reputations would be hurt more by associating with the other?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The NBA playoffs could end Monday night as Golden State could wrap it up in Game 5. There was a bit of a skirmish in Game 4 where LeBron James lost his cool. For a minute it looked like he might get into an altercation with another player. Fortunately, that didn’t happen as he was unable to throw a punch with his hands so tightly wrapped around his own throat. As for me, the only time I really get choked up is when all of you manage to remember to make sure to take the time to always send the love!


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