Friday, June 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!



A Michigan man waiting for a heart transplant lived 555 days on an artificial device outside his body. It was the longest anyone had lived without a heart other than the 35 years set by Dick Cheney.

David Letterman says he “couldn’t care less” about “The Late Show.” Which was pretty obvious even during about the last five years he was the host.

Bill Gates is telling people in poor countries to keep chickens for a better life. Apparently he feels having animals around made his life more meaningful, especially his programs to breed polo ponies, white lions and Shar Pei dogs.

Bill Gates is telling people in poor countries to keep chickens for a better life. Look at what having the birds around did just for Colonel Sanders.

Nancy Pelosi says it was technology developed by the government that was used to create the smartphone. Which is why teenagers who are looking at a phone screen all day and have no ability to interact with other people remind us all so much of government workers.

Nancy Pelosi says it was technology developed by the government that was used to create the smartphone. Although if bureaucrats had been in charge of developing the cellphone it would have included a short wave radio, typewriter and rotary dial and would have weighed 75 pounds.

A research team is reportedly developing a highly accurate blood test to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. The only problem is they can’t remember where they put all their results.

Airport robots are being developed that can assist fliers by weighing and carrying their baggage. The scary part will be when the TSA develops a robot for security searches that consists of a pneumatic drill and a voice synthesizer telling passengers to bend over.

Los Angeles public employees are going to start driving around in electric cars made by BMW. Which led to the same amount of excitement and subsequent disappointment as when someone is told they are getting a Harley Davidson moped.

President Obama has officially endorsed Hillary Clinton for President. Apparently it’s a payoff. After making her travel more than a million miles on commercial flights as Secretary of State, he owes her some time getting to use Air Force One.

Communist Party officials in China say their propaganda machine is not working. They say they need to start working with the experts, mostly the company that does the advertising that gets people to still buy cars from Chrysler.

The producers of the Broadway show “Hamilton” are raising their ticket prices in order to thwart scalpers. Apparently they feel they can put the scalpers out of business by beating them to the punch in taking their customers for everything they have.

A report says American workers are in less danger of being laid off than at any other time in recent history. Mostly because their employers aren’t going to be able to replace them with any cheaper labor since they are already paying everyone minimum wage.

A report says American workers are in less danger of being laid off than at any other time in recent history. Mostly because the people know their boss at 7-Eleven is worried that anyone they fire will go right over to the competition at GoMart.

A report says of the 33 Million Twitter passwords that were recently hacked, the most common was “123456.” The sad part is that password is more interesting and imaginative than most of the billions of tweets that are sent out every day.

A report says younger educated, high earning workers are moving into urban neighborhoods. In this economy, anyone described as young, educated and high earning is pretty much what used to be called heirs, heiresses and trust fund babies.

MTV is reportedly using Twitter to gauge how well they are doing on Snapchat. Remember when MTV was happy just having everyone watch their TV to see some music videos?

MTV is reportedly using Twitter to gauge how well they are doing on Snapchat. Which is sad in that it mirrors their viewers who use their smartphones to text each other to look at the selfies they just posted on their laptops.

A report says the personal wealth of Americans has reached a record $88.1 Trillion. The only problem is that excluding Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, that leaves everyone else dividing up the remaining $27.42.

The Attorney General of Illinois is suing Jimmy John’s for their restrictive non-compete clause for workers. Apparently the state wants their people to be free to advance their careers with the freedom to move upward by finally getting the chance at their dream job working at Subway, Blimpie and Quiznos.

The CEO of United Airlines says that six years after their acquisition of Continental they have yet to be fully integrated. Apparently the problem is that the airline doesn’t have quite enough Continental and still way too much United.

An analysis says that the average NBA player spends $42,000 a month. Which sounds like a lot until you figure that it only comes out to about $528 once they are done paying all their child support.

A congressional panel is set to investigate pay TV billing, customer service issues and competitive practices. Which is great news if the latest congressional session is convening in 1982.

A congressional panel is set to investigate pay TV billing, customer service issues and competitive prices. Which is ironic that the investigation is coming from the only group that is more expensive, less customer oriented and takes longer to get anything done than the local cable companies.

A survey says 20% of employers say their workers are productive for five hours a day. Mostly because they are spending the other three hours in their work day online texting, looking at porn and networking to find a better job.

A survey says 20% of employers says their workers are productive for five hours a day. Mostly because they are too tired to do any more since they are afraid of being fired if they put in less than 20 hours each day.

A report says that teen cigarette smoking is down. Mostly because kids now figure if weed is pretty much legal just about everywhere, what’s the point in wasting their time smoking tobacco?

A report says fewer American teens are having sex. Mostly because since the invention of the smartphone, kids don’t even know how to start a conversation with a real person let alone try to figure out how to have sex with them.

A study says taking cellphone pictures actually makes people enjoy what they are doing more. Mostly so they can see what it was they missed while looking at everything through the lens of their cellphone camera.

A study questions the use of giving antidepressants to young children. A better question is what are we doing to cause depression in young children?

A study questions the use of giving antidepressants to teenagers. Mostly because the biggest concern that something is really wrong with their teenager is the minute they stop acting depressed.

A report says the FDA moves too slowly in recalling tainted foods. The most damaging evidence is Taco Bell, Waffle House and Chipotle.

The CDC says 32.4% of Americans don’t floss their teeth. Researchers were surprised. They had no idea that nearly a third of the U.S. population lived in Georgia, Mississippi and Alabama.

A study says that three fourths of the people who are given antibiotics in the Emergency Room for STDs end up testing negative. Although the biggest reason why anyone ends up in the ER for an STD is from the beating they get from their wife when she finds out they gave her an STD.

A study says that three fourths of the people who are given antibiotics in the Emergency Room for STDs end up testing negative. Although if the symptoms from an STD are bad enough to send you to the ER, you are probably going to need a lot more than antibiotics.

California has enacted its right-to-die law. Which goes hand in hand with the state’s long tradition of the celebrity’s right-to-kill.

The FDA is urging people getting tattoos to be careful. They advise tattoo customers to make sure the parlor has clean needles, is licensed by the state and that the artist can pass a basic spelling test.

Researchers say that genes can play a part in a person’s career and financial success. Especially if they can prove in court their genes come from Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates or Warren Buffett.

Researchers say that genes can play a part in a person’s career and financial success. Which has long been known by anyone under five feet tall who has had their hopes of one day playing in the NBA.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Austin Seferian-Jenkins was reportedly sent off the field because he “didn’t know what he was doing.” Which means if nothing else, he now has a potential career if he can get his team to trade him to the Raiders.

An Iranian soccer player was banned from playing for wearing a pair of SpongeBob pants. Apparently the religious police are concerned that SpongeBob’s girlfriend Sandy the Squirrel appears on the show mingling with men and refusing to wear a Burka.

An Iranian soccer player was banned from playing for wearing a pair of SpongeBob pants. It was serious enough to put executives at Nickelodeon to go on terror lockdown for a possible jihad being declared on Bikini Bottom.

Language experts are lamenting the end of people using the period as punctuation. Mostly because no one even has to write anymore ever since they found they were able to communicate all their thoughts by simply using emojis.

Facebook has rolled out 360 degree photos. Which is good news for people who can now not only show everyone what they are eating for breakfast, but go completely around the table to also include the plates of all the other members of their family.

Japanese students have found a way to grow chickens outside their eggshells. Which is really throwing a monkey wrench into all the college philosophy classes who are still trying to figure out which came first.

Researchers say they have found the site of a palace built by Kublai Khan that was called the greatest ever by Marco Polo. The only problem is that before they could excavate, it was bought by a new owner who has already hung a sign on it saying “Trump.”

Tinder has banned people under 18 from using the dating site. All those minors who don’t mind being hit on by pedophiles will just have to go back to using Myspace.com.

Tinder has banned people under 18 from using the dating site. Apparently they are using a very strict and foolproof security system which makes potential users answer the question “Are you at least 18 years old?”

Domino’s Pizza is using GPS technology to track customers to be able to better time when they start to cook their orders. As opposed to McDonald’s where customers who come in on Thursday know their meal has pretty much been sitting under the heat lamp since Tuesday.

Domino’s Pizza is using GPS technology to track customers to better time when they start to cook their orders. If only they had GPS capability back in the 1980s, they wouldn’t have had to give out 50 Million free pizzas because their drivers were always getting lost and took more than 30 minutes to get there.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! President Clinton and Senator Elizabeth Warren have both come out and endorsed Hillary Clinton for President. The interesting part is to see who has the confidence to be able to endorse Donald Trump and be able to live with having to explain that one away for the rest of their political career. As for me, the only endorsement that means anything is when all of you remember to take the time to always send the love!

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