Wednesday, June 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that Republicans and Democrats feel disconnected from their political parties and helpless about the presidential election. To which both parties are saying all anyone has to do to feel welcomed is to just make a massive campaign donation.

A poll says that Republicans and Democrats feel disconnected from their political parties and helpless about the presidential election. If only there was some way to cast some sort of ballot to express their feelings about who they want to lead the country.

Stephen Hawking says he can’t explain Donald Trump’s popularity. Which doesn’t make sense for a man who can explain the theory of time warps but doesn’t see that Trump is appealing to people who want to go back to 1957.

Snoop Dogg is asking his fans to boycott the remake of “Roots.” Mostly because Snoop has never been one to appreciate roots, but is more into leaves and buds.

Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University say more sex does not make people happier. Especially the ones who lose half of what they own when their wives find out.

Scientists at Carnegie Mellon University say more sex does not make people happier. Which would be more easily understood if you ever saw any of the women who go to Carnegie Mellon University.

A survey says the biggest regret for older Americans is not traveling enough. Which many will make up for when they are finally motivated to move to another country once Donald Trump is elected President.

The FDA is moving to protect the food supply from bioterrorism. So far their only action is to advise people to watch the number of times they eat at Chipotle.

Cemeteries will use GPS technology to replace headstones to show people where their loved ones are buried. Which will be ironic when it comes to people who died in traffic accidents while using their cellphones to look for directions on Google Maps.

A report says India’s economy grew 7.6% last year. Mostly through taking the last 7.6% of the jobs that were left in America since the 1990s.

The European Union is teaming with Twitter and other tech firms to combat hate speech. Mostly by just enabling the site so it can’t transmit any tweets written in French.

Finland’s armed forces caused alarm on one of their own islands after training exercises were mistaken for an invasion. Apparently the confusion stemmed from Finnish people who had just one question about the activities. “We have a military?”

A report says the Myspace social network was hacked. The only problem is the hackers are now trying to figure out who might want to buy the personal information of 360 Million pedophiles.

A surfer in Australia lost a leg in a shark attack. Fortunately, he is expected to recover fully and says he can hardly get back out on the waves again and hang 5.

A JetBlue passenger was forced to change clothes because the staff said her shorts were too short. Apparently her idea was to leave so little to the TSA agents’ imagination they wouldn’t see any reason to make her go through the naked body scanner.

Trump University is under scrutiny from a federal court to release documents Trump has tried to keep private. The only questions answered so far in the case are why Trump U. never offered any classes in humility, modesty or respect.

Consumer spending has taken its biggest jump in the past six years. Apparently the idea for most consumers is to be able to spend what they have before the next recession cleans them out again.

Pizza Hut says it is dropping two chemicals from its food. Which could be a problem because the two biggest chemicals it uses are its dough and cheese.

A report says 40% of Americans have no access to a retirement plan. Mostly because the companies figure it would be a waste of time since the minimum wage they pay means their employees won’t even be able to think about retirement until they are 93.

Rome is seeking sponsors to help preserve the country’s ancient monuments. Which is good news except for the tourists who visit the Colosseum only to be given a tour by a guide dressed as the GEICO Gecko Gladiator.

A study says computer vision syndrome is putting 70 Million people worldwide at risk of their eyesight. Especially when they get punched in the eye when their wives see what they are looking at online.

A report says nose jobs, tummy tucks and breast implants have become popular in Iran.  That shouldn’t be a surprise, especially when you consider it borders Armenia which is the nationality of all the Kardashians.

A report says nose jobs, tummy tucks and breast implants have become popular in Iran. The only problem is finding a plastic surgeon whose only experience in altering people’s appearance is chopping off the hands of convicted thieves.

A report says nose jobs, tummy tucks and breast implants have become popular in Iran. The only question is what is the point of spending $20,000 for all those surgeries and then walking around covering it all with a burka?

A study says that smoking while pregnant may increase the risk of the child being schizophrenic. Mostly because fetuses are spending nine months in the womb inhaling smoke thinking their mother must be out to get them.

A study says that on an average day, 700,000 college students smoke pot. The research was based on the fact that on the average day there are 700,000 absences from all the college students who are supposed to be in class.

A study says that on an average day, 700,000 college students smoke pot. Which is good news for the food industry that can count on those days to sell an extra 2,100,000 units of pizzas, Oreos and Doritos.

Rolling Stones guitarist Ronnie Wood has become the father of twins at age 68. He is now committing himself to take up a healthier lifestyle so he can make sure to live long enough to see them graduate preschool.

Kirsten Storms is taking a leave of absence from “General Hospital” because of some skin issues. Which in a soap opera generally means she isn’t showing enough.

Kirsten Storms is taking a leave of absence from “General Hospital” because of some skin issues. Before she could leave she had to get a written excuse from three of the show’s fake doctors.

Kirsten Storms is taking a leave of absence from “General Hospital” because of some skin issues. Viewers were confused. Are they expected to believe that in all of General Hospital there is not one dermatologist?

Gwen Stefani reportedly turned down a marriage proposal from Blake Shelton when he gave her a $1.2 Million ring hidden in a KFC bucket. Apparently it had more to do with the ring not fitting on her finger after she ate all the fried chicken.

Gwen Stefani reportedly turned down a marriage proposal from Blake Shelton when he gave her a $1.2 Million ring hidden in a KFC bucket. If nothing else, that story has all the makings to be a hit country song.

Katy Perry’s Twitter account, the world’s largest was reportedly taken over by a hacker last week. So far the main suspects are ex-husband Russell Brand, rival Taylor Swift and the left shark.

The CEO of a California pension fund is set to be sentenced after a conviction for bribery. The news came as a shock to the financial profession. There are still people who have pensions?

Scientists are working on a database to match criminals with their tattoos. Which is good news for crooks who can get a Maori tribal tattoo carved into their face and have the blame put on Mike Tyson.

Scientists are working on a database to match criminals with their tattoos. Which means that women criminals will just have to make sure when they are committing a crime to make sure to cover up the tramp stamp on their back.

Researchers are working on ways to make robots feel pain. At least so the people in the future who lose their jobs to technology at least have the idea the robot who took their place may have had a twinge of guilt.

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman ripped into what he calls the “phony, heartless” Trump University. Later he backtracked on the statement, meaning he didn’t mean to include the “university” part.

New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman ripped into what he calls the “phony, heartless” Trump University. Although he says at least it is still ranked above the University of Idaho where they actually gave a diploma to Sarah Palin.

Former U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder says Edward Snowden’s information leak was illegal but a “public service.” Which was exactly what people used to say before the legalization of marijuana about their pot dealers.

President Obama says the government is ready for the hurricane season. Which means there are thousands of trucks of bottled water and some temporary houses that have been set aside on a vacant lot somewhere in Kansas.

President Obama says the government is ready for the hurricane season. At least as long as none of them actually come ashore.

President Obama says the government is ready for the hurricane season. People don’t care about that. They want to know what the government is doing to prevent the real disaster that will be taking place in the upcoming presidential election.

Democrats on the House Select Committee on Benghazi are asking to participate in the writing of the panel’s final report which is expected to come out in July. To which the Republicans are saying that won’t be necessary as the report that blames Hillary Clinton for everything was already written months before they started their investigation.

The State Department has issued a travel alert for any Americans going to Europe this summer. Mostly that after going through the TSA security checks and airline delays their two week vacation will include four hours to actually enjoy being in Europe.

The State Department has issued a travel alert for any Americans going to Europe this summer. Which should be taken seriously by the three Americans who have enough money to travel to Europe during the peak season.

Donald Trump called a reporter from ABC a “sleaze” for questioning the amount of money Trump raised for veterans. People were surprised by his action. Usually, he is much more prone to using the words “moron,” “idiot” and “dummy.”

Donald Trump defended the Cincinnati Zoo’s decision to put down a gorilla when a child got into its enclosure. He says it was an exercise in protecting the country as he has been warning us for years that terrorists would start using gorilla warfare.

The North Korean state media has praised Donald Trump as a “wise politician.” Apparently they enjoy seeing American journalists cower to their potential leader the same way North Korean reporters do to Kim Jong-un.

Ben Carson says the U.S. economy is like a cruise ship that is about to go over Niagara Falls. To which Carnival Cruise Lines is saying “Make one wrong turn onto the Niagara River and everyone has to just keep making jokes about it.”

The U.S. is no longer ranked as the most competitive economy in the world. Which isn’t true. Americans are competing more than ever to find a job, keep from being laid off and getting their kids a college scholarship so they don’t have to sign away their home.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I took a rare day off yesterday after the holiday weekend just to help clear out the cobwebs in my brain. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the respite didn’t help to make the jokes any better. Oh, well. Hey, the price is still right. I’ll know I am in real trouble when people ask for a refund on a freebie. I hope you all had a good Memorial Day Weekend and are rested up and ready to deal with the kids who are now home for the summer. And remember, just because it is nice outside and you have chores to do doesn’t mean you can’t find some spare time in your day to still make sure to always send the love!

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