Friday, May 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Former Disney child star Joey Cramer was arrested for robbing a bank in Canada. It was the biggest robbery associated with Disney since the people who forked out $8 to see “Mars Needs Moms.”

Zimbabwe is printing $200 Million of its own version of U.S. dollars to deal with its cash crunch. Apparently they feel if the U.S. can print $18 Trillion in additional currency to cover up its debt, what’s another $200 Million?

Ben Carson has been picked to head a committee to pick Donald Trump’s running mate. The only worry is that Carson will pull a Dick Cheney and make his pick Ben Carson.

Houston Texans lineman Duane Brown got a failed drug test overturned, blaming the results on eating meat produced in Mexico. It will now be known across the league as the “Taco Bell defense.”

Houston Texans lineman Duane Brown got a failed drug test overturned, blaming the results on eating meat produced in Mexico. Apparently the league agreed there was no performance enhancement as he is playing for the Houston Texans.

Police in Massachusetts say that teens are getting high and sick eating plant seeds. Who knew that the most wanted man by the state’s anti-drug task force is the local Burpee salesman?

GM and Lyft are teaming up to test self-driving taxis. The only problem is that could put thousands of jobs at risk. Not just the taxi drivers who would be laid off, but all the people who make those automobile air fresheners.

John McCain says the Donald Trump nomination will damage his reelection hopes because of angry Hispanic voters. McCain hasn’t seen the Hispanic vote matter this much in one of his campaigns since the election year following the Alamo.

The New York Times will sell ingredients to recipes on its cooking website and deliver them to customers’ homes. The Times hasn’t been directly involved in food sales since the days the newspaper was used to wrap anything that was bought at the fish market.

Voters in Switzerland are deciding to whether to enact a guaranteed monthly income of $2,600 for every adult. So far the opposition is working to tell Swiss voters the proposal is full of holes.

A report says every single county in the U.S. is facing hunger. When compared to the obesity problem that is also facing every county, it appears it is a real feast or famine situation.

A poll says 57% of Americans say the U.S. should worry about fixing its own problems first. The other 43% feel that most of our problems started when we got into the business of trying to fix the problems in every other country.

A poll says 57% of Americans say the U.S. should worry about fixing its own problems first. The only problem is those are the people who think everything has been good in China ever since they decided to build a wall around their country.

Tom Brady has written a cookbook that is selling for $200. The only problem is that it is nearly impossible to make the souffle recipe without having it go completely flat.

The FDA says it will start regulating e-cigarettes the same way it controls the sales of other tobacco products. Which smokers know will have absolutely no effect on anything as long as they regulate it like they also do with drugs, healthcare and the economy.

The Coast Guard says it won’t probe the case of a Colombian mariner who was rescued after being lost at sea for two months. That was the fisherman who when rescued said “Thank cod!”

A student in Illinois is nearing twelve years of perfect attendance at school. The last time a student made it to school every day for twelve years in Alabama, they were given a “100% attendance” award along with their certificate for graduating the 3rd grade.

A government sting used a fake university called the University of Northern New Jersey to catch foreign students desperate to stay in the U.S. It was the biggest investigation involving a fabricated college other than the recent lawsuit against Trump University.

A government sting used a fake university called the University of Northern New Jersey to catch foreign students desperate to stay in the U.S. The sad part is that even though it was a fabricated college, its football team was still ranked higher than Rutgers.

Three video games, “The Oregon Trail,” “Space Invaders” and “The Sims” have been selected to the Video Games Hall of Fame. Those games would never make it today unless they allowed kids to steal a Conestoga Wagon, impale space aliens or cut off the heads of their virtual neighbors.

Three video games, “The Oregon Trail,” “Space Invaders” and “The Sims” have been selected to the Video Games Hall of Fame. It’s the only museum where the gallery couches are actually considered an interactive exhibit.

California has raised the legal age for smoking to 21. The good news is that with the price of cigarettes, any college students holding off smoking that long will pretty much have enough money saved to not have to take out any tuition loans.

Wal-Mart has moved its greeters back to the front of the store instead of in the interior where they were moved four years ago. Apparently they realized that welcoming  customers who are already half way through their shopping can no longer really be considered a greeting.

Amazon is investing in a freight airlines company. Although customers need to be aware that when they order a couch that is too big for a drone to deliver, it may now be arriving onto their porch from a height of 30,000 feet.

Professional fastpitch softball star Monica Abbott has become the first woman in a U.S. team sport to sign a contract worth $1 Million. The only problem is that to see the entire amount she will need to be able to compete somewhere into her middle 80s.

Professional fastpitch softball star Monica Abbott has become the first woman in a U.S. team sport to sign a $1 Million contract. To collect, she needs to draw at least 100 spectators for every game. To which the players on the Cleveland Indians are saying “They can do that?”

Scientists say that prayer can reduce the cravings among alcoholics. Although that does bring up the question as to why bottle openers are called “church keys”?

Scientists say that prayer can reduce the cravings among alcoholics. Although it really doesn’t count for the ones who go to church for the wine served at communion.

Stores across the U.S. are recalling sunflower seeds because of possible contamination. No one had any idea that GM was now involved in the snack food business.

A study says slim people are at the lowest risk of dying over a 15 year period. Mostly because age 15 is about the longest that people can go without becoming morbidly obese.

A study says slim people are at the lowest risk of dying over a 15 year period. At least that is what they assume until researchers can actually find someone who has gone that long without gaining at least 50 extra pounds.

A 6 year old Texas girl’s malady that couldn’t be solved by doctors was figured out through Facebook. The irony is that most health issues are a result of sitting in front of a computer and posting on Facebook all day.

A John Malkovich movie that won’t hit theaters for 100 years will be aired at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. To which people are asking if there is any way they can get the same rules put in place for anything featuring Seth Rogen?

A report says that weight loss reality shows are on the way out. Mostly because viewers are unable to accept that for most people, weight loss has nothing to do with reality.

A report says that weight loss reality shows are on the way out. Especially for viewers who have their DVRs recording “Hell’s Kitchen,” “Top Chef” and “Cake Boss.”

A report says Katie Couric may be leaving Yahoo. Which means after going from “Today” to network anchor to talk show host to working for a search engine, the only thing left is filling in for Vanna White when she takes a day off from “Wheel of Fortune.”

Donald Trump is denying Oscar de la Hoya’s claim that he cheated while playing golf. He won’t deny claims he cheats at business, on his marriages and with campaign finance laws but never at something sacred like golf.

A judge chastised Johnny Manziel, reminding him that he is a “grown man.” Which for most football players refers to the exact moment they are no longer a college athlete and have just lost their pro contract.

Linebacker Von Miller says he is “going to be a Denver Bronco for life.” Which is exactly what Peyton Manning said until he won a Super Bowl and was then replaced by someone younger and less expensive.

A report says Russian hackers stole 273 Million e-mail passwords from Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo Mail. Mostly because all but six used “password,” “qwerty” or “12345”.

A report says Russian hackers stole 273 Million e-mail passwords from Gmail, Hotmail and Yahoo Mail. Which is of no concern to anyone under 30 who has never actually heard of the term “e-mail.”

New technology can turn a person’s arm into a touchpad for a smartwatch. Which is great news for the five people who still actually try to use their Apple Watch.

New technology can turn a person’s arm into a touchpad for a smartwatch. Although those people have to be careful not to use the common password of two hairs and a freckle.

The White House has released a report laying out problems with algorithmic decision making that operates with little or no human oversight. Although most people thought they already fixed all those problems with the Obamacare website.

A poll says that Donald Trump supporters’ behavior is the worst online. Which is still better than how they act when they go to one of his rallies in person.

A poll says that Donald Trump supporters’ behavior is the worst online. Which means at least they learned very well from their leader.

Facebook says its average user spends 50 minutes on the site each day. They also say they work out every day, limit their alcohol content and never watch porn at work.
 

Facebook says its average user spends 50 minutes on the site each day. That’s barely enough time to check out what all their friends are eating for breakfast, watch several cat videos and defriend all the people who made inappropriate posts on their news feed.

Facebook says its average user spends 50 minutes on the site each day. It would be more but that is how long most men have until they have to log off before their wife comes home and sees who they are chatting with.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. The amazing part is that as many as three of them were not insults.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. Which was cut down to zero the minute his hands were completely immobilized.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. Which was amazing to see it takes that little lexicon to be able to start three race riots, four wars and a trade embargo.

An analysis of Donald Trump’s speeches over the past week show he used 95,000 words. Although all but three sentences had to do with how great he is, that his opponents are all morons and denying that he wears a toupee.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, Donald Trump made a visit to my state of West Virginia yesterday. The good news is that when his supporters were done there were three buildings still standing downtown. I wasn’t able to go see him speak, although I didn’t really have to because I knew his one hour talk was going to be 59 minutes of how great he is and the rest was promising to bring back all those jobs we lost. I can get that watching 30 seconds of the daily wrap up on our local news. Bernie Sanders was here, too and he spoke to a crowd a twelfth the size of Trump. The good news is that anyone who has the time and interest to actually go and see one of these people give a speech probably don’t ever actually get up off their couch and put down the remote long enough to go vote. I hope. You can restore my faith in the system by just remembering to take the time to always make sure to send the love!

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