Thursday, May 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Europe is preparing to remove the 500 Euro bill from circulation, which is worth about $575. Or as Greece calls that, the national budget.

Europe is preparing to remove the 500 Euro bill from circulation, which is worth about $575 which is easily used for money laundering. Fortunately, in the U.S. that isn’t a problem as most people haven’t had a bill as large as a $20 in their wallet since 2008.

Scientists say obesity could be contagious. Apparently the study is based on the affliction being passed easily among people who gather at McDonald’s.

Researchers say that cellphones are linked to health issues with children. Especially teenagers who find the more they use their cellphones, the more likely they are to contract an STD.

A report says that couples are using anti-cheating apps on their smartphones to spy on their mates. Although they wouldn’t have to worry so much about their partner cheating if they would actually put their cellphones down once in awhile.

A sexually transmitted infection is being linked to schizophrenia. Which makes for a convenient excuse for the person with the infection to say it was contracted by one of their other personalities.

A report says the rich and powerful are warning people that robots are coming for their jobs. Mostly because the rich and powerful have found out it is less expensive to replace people with robots than their traditional way of using cheap immigrant labor

John Kasich has dropped out of the presidential race. People were surprised. He was still in the race?

John Kasich has dropped out of the presidential race. That is too bad. With Ted Cruz out it meant he finally had a chance to finish second in one of the primaries.

A chef in California is bringing marijuana to fine dining. He has the first restaurant that has ever made a garnish for an entree using a weed.

A chef in California is bringing marijuana to fine dining. He found out the more he spiced up his dishes with pot, the more food his customers keep ordering.

A chef in California is bringing marijuana to fine dining. The only problem is that his best customers traditionally show up three hours later than their reservation time.

Researchers say that the more dads are involved with their kids, the more successful the children are in every facet. Except when their father is Charlie Sheen.

Researchers say that the more dads are involved with their kids, the more successful the children are in every facet. Just look at how well Soon-Yi has gotten along ever since her dad Woody Allen decided to get more involved and become her husband.

A city official in Flint, Michigan has entered a plea over charges of neglect of duty. The most damaging evidence of wrongdoing against him is pretty much Flint, Michigan.

The Justice Department says it will no longer call criminals convicts or felons. Apparently they will start using the more descriptive terms of “Wall Street banker” or “politician.”

The Justice Department says it will no longer call criminals convicts or felons. Apparently they will go with the more politically correct term of “legally challenged.”

Detroit teachers are being urged to return to work following a guarantee they will be paid. Now if there was just some way they could guarantee that some of the students would actually show up to be taught.

Aeropostale has filed for bankruptcy and will close 113 stores. They probably would have generated more sales of their clothes if the models in their catalogs were ever wearing any.

A report says Donald Trump spent the least amount of money per vote through the primaries. Mostly because his advertising agencies were pretty much CNN, Fox News and MSNBC.

A report says that Carly Fiorina spent the most money per vote in the presidential primaries at $628.55 each. Which means she must have spent a total of $628.55.

Soccer star and equal pay advocate Abby Wambach has been hired by ESPN. The only bad part is that the sports network will pay her exactly the same as a professional woman soccer player.

A British bookmaker is giving Donald Trump a 33% chance of winning the presidential election. Which means there is still a 67% chance the world will still be around in 2020.

A hiring bias study says that people with names that are more traditional for blacks and Hispanics are just as likely to get interviews as people with white-sounding names. Which means the good thing about this job market is that everyone has exactly the same chance to remain unemployed.

The CDC says the best treatment for ADHD is not medication but therapy. Mostly because even the most hyper child will pretty much be put to sleep after 15 minutes of listening to a therapist.

A Chinese boy was born with 31 fingers and toes. The good news is that he already has the same math skills as a third grader.

A Chinese boy was born with 31 fingers and toes. The good news is that he is already being scouted by Nike. Not as an athlete, but because with that many digits he could sew together hundreds of shoes in a matter of minutes.

Experts say that medical mistakes if listed would be the number three cause of death in the U.S. The good news is that it means that Americans are now less likely to die from strokes, diabetes and dementia.

Scientists can now explain why asparagus makes urine smell funny. Which is only really of interest to the three Americans who actually ever eat asparagus.

The American Girl Doll Company has a hit with a diabetes care kit for dolls. It’s for girls who have to administer insulin for Type 2 Diabetes to all the dolls they have from the Strawberry Shortcake collection.

A smartphone video game can reportedly help doctors diagnose dementia. Especially when the person playing the game can’t remember where they left their cellphone.

A Pennsylvania hospital is offering refunds to unhappy patients. The bad part is that for the patients who are the most unhappy, the hospital instead offers to pay part of their funeral costs.

Actress Chloe Grace Moretz says dating in the spotlight is “horrible.” What's even worse is when you are dating someone so ugly you want to always keep them in the dark.

Actress Chloe Grace Moretz says dating in the spotlight is “horrible.” How sad for her to have to be seen with other beautiful people at the trendiest clubs and restaurants while getting all her drinks and meals for free.

The Rolling Stones have asked Donald Trump not to play their songs at any of his events. Apparently he is OK with that as they are from a foreign country and have taken jobs away from American bands for years.

David Hasselhoff has gotten engaged to his long time girlfriend. Being married to Hasselhoff should be easy as she will never have to do any dishes, just pick up the hamburger crumbs off the living room carpet.

Caitlyn Jenner will reportedly soon be featured nude wearing a gold medal on the cover of Sports Illustrated. People should just be glad she missed the cut for the Swimsuit Issue.

The San Diego Padres have already been shut out eight times in 28 games this season.  Apparently they are thinking of putting Petco Park up for sale and want to advertise that they have hardly even used home plate.

UFC fighter Daniel Cormier says he doesn’t believe in abstaining from sex before a fight. In other words, he turns it into the opposite of makeup sex.

KFC in Hong Kong is offering flavored nail polish that comes in original and hot and spicy. The slogan is that it is “fingernail lickin’ good.”

KFC in Hong Kong is offering flavored nail polish that comes in original and hot and spicy. And anyone wearing the polish who reaches into the deep fryer can say theirs is extra crispy.

KFC in Hong Kong is offering flavored nail polish that comes in original and hot and spicy. That’s the one where the mani pedi is done under the supervision of a cardiologist.

AT&T and Yahoo have ended their 15 year partnership. Which was about as memorable a business deal as when Time Warner merged with AOL.

AT&T and Yahoo have ended their 15 year partnership. That relationship had about as much of a chance from the beginning as Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

A California measure to legalize marijuana is headed to the ballot in November. Although if they put someone in charge of pushing the measure through who doesn’t actually smoke pot, it wouldn’t have taken them since 1972 to get it done.

Google is feeding Artificial Intelligence romance novels to teach it more conversational language skills. Although IBM tried that on Watson and stopped after it kept referring to every woman with a comment about her heaving bosom.

Students at the University of Leicester say “crying a river” would be impossible even if everyone on the planet started crying at once in the same place. Although that might be disproven by Donald Trump supporters when he loses by a landslide on election day.

Students at the University of Leicester say “crying a river” would be impossible even if everyone on the planet started crying at once in the same place. They do say that there could be enough tears to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Which was already done when Michael Phelps tried to talk the arresting officer out of his second DUI.

Facebook has paid a ten year old hacker $10,000 for finding a security flaw in Instagram. The security flaw is mostly known as anyone dumb enough to post personal photos on Instagram.

Facebook has paid a ten year old hacker $10,000 for finding a security flaw in Instagram. Which was no big deal as a kid with that kind of ability could be making hundreds of thousands of dollars reviewing video games on his own Youtube channel.

Newt Gingrich says he is a 1,000 to 1 shot at being named Donald Trump’s running mate. Which is still a lot better than the 1 Million to 1 odds of a Donald Trump-Newt Gingrich ticket winning the election.

President Bush 41 and 43 both say they don’t plan to endorse Donald Trump for President. Which is already being called a major boost by the Trump campaign.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Running a little late today as I had to spend most of the morning with my daughter who is not feeling well at the doctor’s office. But I was able to be inspired by the experience to translate the sickness right into my humor and crank out my daily glut of jokes. Hopefully you won’t have the same reaction as my daughter did after reading all the way through the blog. But one sure way to always feel better when you are done is to make sure to always send the love!

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