Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Ted Cruz has suspended his presidential campaign after losing to Donald Trump in Indiana. Which means everyone else who realizes Trump is the presumptive party nominee has pretty much suspended their disbelief.

Ted Cruz has suspended his presidential campaign after losing to Donald Trump in Indiana. Which is amazing in that Carly Fiorina broke her own record at HP by taking only two days to lay off everyone in the entire organization.

U.S. airlines reported record profits in 2015 as customer complaints soared. Mostly because the airlines have learned they can quiet any passenger dissatisfaction is by threatening to change their flight and put them on United.

The world’s most expensive airline flight is with Etihad Airways from New York to Mumbai in their three room suite that costs $38,000 each way. Which when inflight fees are factored in is still cheaper than a flight from Denver to Memphis on United.

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. Although the question is why else would anyone ever steal food?

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. Which using the same logic could be argued it’s OK to steal money as long as you are poor.

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. But then who doesn’t get hungry any time they are close to any Italian food?

An Italian court has ruled that stealing food because of hunger is not a crime. Which means that if they are stealing Italian food they also have the right to pinch a nice bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

Thailand has banned “rude opinions” over an upcoming referendum. If that rule would have been enforced in the U.S., the networks would have lost a fortune airing the presidential debates.

A report says China is pressing its economists to brighten their outlook. Which all they have to do is point to the U.S. and say at least they are doing better than us.

Brazil is considering a sex themed adult amusement park called ErotikaLand. Apparently they are unaware it’s been done before. It’s called “Las Vegas.”

Brazil is considering a sex themed adult amusement park called ErotikaLand. Is that a good idea? By the time you pay for admission, parking and concessions, it would just be a lot cheaper to pay for a hooker and a motel room.

A study says the Earth is home to 1 Trillion types of organisms, 99.99% of which are unknown. Although half of them could be discovered by the researchers who are brave enough to take a microscope to a pair of Paris Hilton’s panties.

A study says sunshine can lower a person’s blood pressure. Especially when it starts getting warmer and people can actually relax again when they open their heating bill.

A study says one in three antibiotic prescriptions in the U.S. are unnecessary. Mostly because Americans get all the antibiotics they need any time they order chicken or beef at any fast food restaurant.

A study says one in three antibiotic prescriptions in the U.S. are unnecessary. Especially for the pharmacist filling the orders who otherwise would only be able to afford one other vacation home.

A report says the million dollar home market is in a slump. Or as people in Silicon Valley refer to one million dollar homes, “low income housing.”

A report says the million dollar home market is in a slump. Which is tough news for realtors in L.A. trying to move a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

BP is paying another $1 Billion to shrimpers and fishermen for the 2010 Gulf Oil Spill. Mostly for the seafood they ordered for the party they are throwing to celebrate pretty much getting away with it.

Four crying babies on a JetBlue flight won free round trip tickets for 140 passengers as part of a stunt to give 25% discounts for each crying baby. That doesn’t include the adults on JetBlue who cry when the plane is stuck waiting on the tarmac for three hours.


Four crying babies on a JetBlue flight won free round trip tickets for 140 passengers as part of a stunt to give 25% discounts for each crying baby. It was the most crying on a plane other than the flight to the last campaign stop by Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina.
 
Ted Cruz attacked Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch, blaming Fox News for the success of Donald Trump. Although it didn’t hurt Trump any when Cruz picked Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

Ted Cruz attacked Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch, blaming Fox News for the success of Donald Trump. How far to the right is Ted Cruz when he sees Fox News as a member of the “liberal media.”

Wal-Mart is recalling 1 Million electric kettles. No one even knew that GM had gotten into making home appliances.

Wal-Mart is recalling 1 Million electric kettles. Apparently they came equipped with Takata airbags.

A Texas restaurant had to change their name because of a copyright and are offering free pizza for a year to whomever suggests a new name. So far the choice is between “Little Nero’s,” “Pizza Lean-To” and “Board Game Using Numbered Tiles Pizza.”

A French man is suing his former employer because he claims his job was too boring. To which Vice President Joe Biden is saying “You can do that?”

A French man is suing his former employer because he claims his job was too boring. Apparently he was more suited to a job in the service industry in France where he could have at least stayed busy coming up with new ways to be rude to the foreign tourists.

Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois says it will stop accepting credit card payments for health insurance payments. Apparently they will now only settle their accounts like other insurance companies, by taking the customers’ first born child.

Foster Poultry Farms is recalling chicken nuggets that reportedly contain plastic and rubber. They could be in even bigger trouble as they are now being accused by McDonald’s of stealing their recipe.

A New York mom is asking Honda for a new car after she gave birth in the back seat of her Honda Fit. To which Honda is saying that’s why you should never order the cloth upholstery.

A New York mom is asking Honda for a new car after she gave birth in the back seat of her Honda Fit. To which Honda is saying she should ask her HMO and OB-GYN who could have told her to maybe try to get to the hospital a little sooner.

Behavioral scientists say politicians are using their methods to try to get people to the polls to vote. Since when have behavioral scientists changed their recommended therapy to anger, feat and hate?

A study says that heavy drinking may make it harder to quit smoking. Mostly because the people who do both know that drunk driving, alcohol fueled domestic disputes or cirrhosis of the liver will kill them way before anything caused by cigarettes.

A poll says that 50% of all teens admit they are addicted to smartphones. The other half are only addicted to their iPad, MacBook Pro and Playstation.

A poll says that 50% of all teens admit they are addicted to smartphones. The other half couldn’t take the survey because they were too busy posting on Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter.

A poll says that 50% of all teens admit they are addicted to smartphones. Which means the other half is officially in denial.

A study has determined that most people have 4 BFFs, 11 close friends, 30 acquaintances and 129 “others.” It also shows that as many as two of those on the list are people that were actually met in person and not through Facebook.

A report says that teenagers spend an average of nine hours a day using media. Aren’t these the same kids who are on ADHD medication because they can’t pay attention for more than five minutes in the classroom?

A study says that playground concussions are on the rise. Mostly because it’s hard for kids to keep their grip going across the monkey bars while also trying to hold onto their cellphone and text their friends.

A survey says that 40% of Americans want to know the credit score of a person before dating them. Which means when a guy shows interest in a woman, no credit means no score.

A survey says that 40% of Americans want to know the credit score of a person before dating them. Not only that, but women now want to look at men’s Facebook page to see how many people on their friends list are Nigerian princes.

Veteran wrestler Ryback says the WWE should pay all of its wrestlers equally. He says it’s bad enough to be paid less than an opponent for throwing a fixed match, but it’s even worse when cash is deducted every time a folding chair is broken over their head.

The NBA listed there were five missed calls on the final play in a playoff game between Oklahoma City and San Antonio. Although even that wasn’t as bad as when earlier in the game one of the referees threw a flag and whistled a play dead for being offsides.

Takata is set to recall another 35 Million faulty airbags. It’s the biggest recall of faulty inflation devices since the silicone breast implant scare back in 2000.

The NFL is warning players that eating meat produced in China could contained banned substances. The only problem is they aren’t specific as to whether the contaminated meat is the donkey, weasel or monkey.

The NFL is warning players that eating meat produced in China could contain banned substances. So far the players have been warned to stay away from the Chihuahua, Dalmatian and Springer Spaniel.

Google will get a fleet of Fiat Chrysler minivans to use in self-driving tests. Google specifically requested those automobiles so that they could see how the van could drive itself while the people inside could be free to look around for the closest repair shop.

“The Shining” is being performed in Minnesota as an opera. Although if they really wanted to scare the people there they could just say Jesse Ventura is running again for governor.

“The Shining” is being performed in Minnesota as an opera. It’s the one that isn’t over until the fat lady sings as she is being hacked up by a guy with an ax saying “Heeeere’s Johnny!”

A report says that Sprint is still losing a lot of money but that it is improving slowly. Which is of course the same thing they have said about the Post Office since 1968.

McDonald’s is testing garlic fries in California. Which is being marketed to people who not only don’t care about being obese but also don’t mind having extreme halitosis.

India is denying Apple’s request to sell refurbished iPhones there. Apparently smartphones are the only things there that don’t qualify for a chance at reincarnation.

A report says Amazon.com generated 60% of the total U.S. online sales growth in 2015. It could be even higher this year as customers will have to reorder all the stuff they got last year that they already had to pitch into the trash can.

A report says Amazon.com generated 60% of the total U.S. online sales growth in 2015. Which makes it just like going to Wal-Mart only without having to look at all the fat customers stuffed into outdated clothes that are three sizes too small.

A law in South Dakota may determine if U.S. residents pay sales tax on Internet purchases. People were surprised at the news. People in South Dakota know how to use computers?

Uber says it has no plans to kill its surge pricing that makes the cost go up with higher demand. Or as anyone who has bought gasoline since the 1970s knows that better as, ”consumer gouging.”

The Pentagon is testing out an unmanned ship that can sail itself 10,000 nautical miles. Apparently it is being looked at for naval battles, coastal protection and for Carnival cruise ships that are having trouble finding crews that can withstand the norovirus.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Ted Cruz has dropped out of the presidential race. That’s too bad. Those “Lucifer in the flesh” gags could have gone on for years. At least with Trump and Hillary there is still plenty of yucks left to take us at least into November. That still gives everyone plenty of time to pack the bags, sell the house and buy a ticket to South America. But before you go, make sure to remind yourself to remember no matter where you are to always keep sending the love!

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