Tuesday, May 03, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 15 year old boy in India was injured after shooting himself with a gun while taking a selfie. His last words before the accident were “Say Glock!”

A 15 year old boy in India was injured after shooting himself with a gun while taking a selfie. The good news is that someone with that lack of brainpower could somehow manage to make it all the way to age 15.

The Miss Rondonia Mundo beauty pageant in Brazil ended up with the wrong winner being announced. To which Steve Harvey is complaining “They’re stealing my act!”

The Miss Rondonia Mundo beauty pageant in Brazil ended up with the wrong winner being announced. It’s happened so many times that Republicans are now hoping to use the strategy as the best way to get Donald Trump elected President.

Australian Craig Wright is claiming to be the person who created the Bitcoin. Although he is already catching heat for not putting Harriet Tubman’s picture on it.

A study says that information about the U.S. economy may have been leaked ahead of its release. The only question is what damage could come from people knowing that our economy is running eighteen or nineteen trillion dollars in debt.

ESPN is being criticized for editing former employee Curt Schilling out of a baseball documentary. Now if they could only figure out how to also edit out Dick Vitale, Jim Gray and Chris Berman.

A study says that dogs’ hearts tend to beat in sync with their owners. Which may be why people start noticing palpitations every time the mailman comes down the street.

A New Zealand man broke the record for deep sea diving, swimming to a depth of 400 feet. It was the biggest freedive on record other than anyone who is still holding on to their stock in ExxonMobil.

A survey says that 34% of people living in San Francisco are ready to leave because of traffic and high housing costs. The only problem is before they move they need to try to get close to the asking price of the refrigerator box they are living in.

A survey says that 34% of people living in San Francisco are ready to leave because of traffic and high housing costs. The other 66% want to stay because they finally got used to putting on a heavy coat before going out in the middle of summer.

Experts are warning that driverless cars could encourage bored passengers to have sex behind the wheel. Which is good news for parents whose kids will now be able to make it home on time because they don’t have to look for a place to park after a date.

Experts are warning that driverless cars could encourage bored passengers to have sex behind the wheel. Which at least will give bored passengers in other cars something to look at when they pass them.

A Delaware woman was arrested for calling her ex-boyfriend up to 300 times a day. If she really needed milk and bread that badly, she could have just texted him a shopping list.

Budget cuts in the TSA mean that airport security lines could stretch for hours this summer. Which is good news for United Airlines passengers who will at least have something different to do for the three hours they usually spend waiting for takeoff.

Budget cuts in the TSA mean that airport security lines could stretch for hours this summer. Although millions of hours of waiting time could be eliminated if people would just decide to fly barefoot.

U.S. airlines set a record profit of $25 Billion in 2015. The only problem is that the long waits, poor service and outrageous prices are now causing cable companies to accuse them of stealing their business model.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. Her secret is being able to make it all the way to the finish line.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. The only problem is that the race she won actually started at the Penn Relays back in 2013.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. It was the race where the judges put down their stopwatches and were timing it with a calendar.

A 100 year old woman set the world’s record for the 100 yard dash at a track meet at the Penn Relays. Her secret to winning at record speed was her family putting a Bingo card just past the finish line.

Prince’s personal chef says the late entertainer was plagued by a sore throat, stomach pains and weight loss in his final months. Which was either because he had chronic health problems or he really needed to get a better chef.

The National Wrestling Hall of Fame has revoked all honors for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert. How bad is it when our country’s top leaders don’t have the moral fiber to be in the same association as Hulk Hogan?

The National Wrestling Hall of Fame has revoked all honors for former House Speaker Dennis Hastert. Hastert was the first politician selected into the Wrestling Hall of Fame since Lloyd Bentsen hit Dan Quayle on the head with a folding chair at a debate.

The first U.S. cruise ship in nearly 40 years arrived in Havana. The good news for the passengers is that the norovirus they contracted during the cruise enabled their immune systems to be able to go to local restaurants and order tap water.

A study says that gender diversity pays off for investors and companies. Just look how much the Kardashian brand has gone up in value ever since Bruce Jenner changed over to Caitlyn.

A study says that gender diversity pays off for investors and companies. Which makes it staggering to think how much Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg would be worth if either one had only been able to actually look a woman in the eye.

An analysis says that Hispanics will outspend Millennials by 2020. Although how hard can it be to shell out more money than people who live for free in their parents’ basement and only need cash on hand when their takeout pizza arrives.

Data says 150 Million e-mails are sent every minute on the Internet. Which is amazing when you consider anyone under 30 is saying “What’s an e-mail?”

Data says 150 Million e-mails are sent every minute on the Internet. Mostly because terrorists and criminals know they can get away with sending messages that way as the only ones the government looks at are the ones going through Hillary Clinton’s server.

IBM’s Watson helped design a “cognitive dress” for the upcoming Met Gala in New York.  The only problem is that women are asking if the computer designed dress makes their rear port look big.

A survey says Millennials are cool with being geeky. Mostly because being a geek became cool the day Mark Zuckerberg pocketed his first billion dollars.

The construction company Saudi Binladin Group has laid off 50,000 workers resulting from low oil prices. Although they might also want to also address their public relations issue stemming from the fact their business contains the name “Binladin.”

Former United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek will be given a $36.8 Million severance package after being ousted for his part in a corruption probe. Well, that will teach all those other CEOs that crime doesn’t pay.

Former United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek will be given a $36.8 Million severance package after being ousted for his part in a corruption probe. Which is ironic in that what is more corrupt than giving someone $36.8 Million for the way they ran United Airlines?

A report says that Nike shoes are among the most counterfeited goods in the world. The only bigger crime is committed when the company charges legitimate customers $300 for a pair of sneakers.

A report says that Nike shoes are among the most counterfeited goods in the world. Mostly because they make people look really when they are wearing them along with their Appel iFone, Rolox watch and Rey Bon sunglasses.

A study says that people with insomnia should try therapy instead of pills. Mostly because it has been proven nothing puts people to sleep like listening to a therapist talk for 45 minutes.

A study says that people with insomnia should try therapy instead of pills. The only problem is that they then stay awake all night wondering how they are going to be able to pay their therapist’s bill.

A study says that air rage can be triggered when people in the economy section have to walk through first class to get to their seats. Especially when they realize not every passenger has to deal with twelve other people in each row.

A study says that air rage can be triggered when people in the economy section have to walk through first class. Especially when they are trying to carry six bags along with two kids and get hit in the head with a cork from a bottle of Dom Perignon.

A study says that poor parenting can be passed along from generation to generation. Which means there is already an excuse in the works for whatever happens to the children of Kim Kardashian.

A study says that poor parenting can be passed along from generation to generation. Which is going to be really bad news for when Britney Spears’ boys reach the age where they are ready to think about settling down.

A study says that body changes including breast development are driving teenage girls out of sports. Which means that extra credit should be given for staying into golf well past the prime years for Phil Mickelson.

A study says that body changes including breast development are driving teenage girls out of sports. Mostly because the girls know they can become famous make a lot more money from body changes by seeing how it has worked so far for the Kardashians.

A study says dieting may help with the health, sex drive and stress levels of people who are not obese. Which is good news in that people are realizing that just because they aren’t as morbidly obese as everyone else doesn’t mean they still aren’t fat.

A study says that depression in old age may be triggered by dementia. Because what can be more depressing than being old and not being able to remember why you are sad?

Model Bar Refaeli is being accused of copying a bikini design for her own line. Although she claims it was not a copy since there was enough material to actually cover up her private parts.

Britney Spears will receive the Millennum Award at the Billboard Music Awards. Which from its name is apparently given out for the achievement of being born between 1980 and 2000.

Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval will undergo surgery on his left shoulder. Apparently he injured it through repetitive motion as that is the arm that is attached to his fork hand.

Dodgers relief pitcher Josh Ravin has been suspended 80 games for testing positive for PEDs. Although he can work it off gradually by being like the fans and arriving at the third inning and leaving after the sixth.

Model Kate Upton is off the market after getting engaged to Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander. Or as all men who aren’t highly paid athletes need to realize, she has always been off the market.

Gasoline delivery apps are the latest fad for people who don’t want to have to stop and fill up at a gas station. Which is a good thing prices have come down since 2008 or else the only way gasoline could be delivered is by an armored car.

Gasoline delivery apps are the latest fad for people who don’t want to have to stop and fill up at a gas station. It’s not just the time it takes to pump gas people don’t like, its the five pounds they gain when they also by a pack of Slim Jims and a large Slurpee.

A proposed bill in Michigan would mean anyone convicted of hacking a car would get a life sentence. Although there would be exceptions for anyone hired to hack into any FBI vehicles that the agents couldn’t figure out how to start.

Hulu plans to offer streamed cable TV programming that could make them direct competitors to cable. Although they won’t really be on the same level until they triple their price, make customers wait two weeks for service and send over someone who wears their pants halfway down their backside.

A report says Leonardo da Vinci may have used a male model along with a woman as subjects for the Mona Lisa. Which means all this time the real title of the painting was the “Manny Lisa.”

A report says Leonardo da Vinci may have used a male model along with a woman as subjects for the Mona Lisa. Which 500 years from now could be the same mystery that will be unlocked by whomever paints a portrait of Caitlyn Jenner.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This election is really heating up. I live in West Virginia and we have had visits by Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton and are supposedly on the list for Donald Trump. In past elections, West Virginia was pretty much known as the pit stop between campaigning in North Carolina and Pennsylvania. It’s just nice to see them finally acknowledging our existence. That way we can also experience the phenomenon of being made all sorts of promises that will be completely forgotten after Inauguration Day. In the meantime, I will never forget all my great readers who keep checking out the blog every day. The best way for you to return the favor is to remember to always make sure to send the love!

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