Friday, May 27, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says airport screening delays made 70,000 travelers miss their flights on American Airlines. Or as United Airlines calls 70,000 people missing their flight, “Tuesday.”

AAA says 38 Million Americans will be on the road for the holiday weekend. The good news is they will be able to get gas and snacks as the other 268 Million Americans will spend the three day stretch working at their minimum wage jobs at convenience stores.

Wells Fargo has announced home loans with a 3% down payment. The only problem for the bank will be absorbing the other 97% of the cost when the owner goes into foreclosure.

Wells Fargo has announced home loans with a 3% down payment. Apparently the banks feel that if the people didn't learn their lesson after the 2008 mortgage meltdown, why should they?

A strip club in Michigan has angered residents with a sign saying “Now hiring Class of 2016.” Although it shouldn’t be that big of a deal since most kids in the Class of 2016 won’t be graduating and looking for work until at least 2018.

A strip club in Michigan has angered residents with a sign saying “Now hiring Class of 2016.” Although the good news is that many of the high school students are staying local and looking for work ever since MTV canceled all their teen mom TV shows.

A neuro specialist says that humans are “programmed” to take a nap in the afternoon. Others are more prone to also need extra sleep time in the morning and evening. They are known as teenagers, DMV workers and air traffic controllers.

San Francisco is the site of the first cannabis-friendly gym. How do you think the ZigZag man got to look so buff?

San Francisco is the site of the first cannabis-friendly gym. It’s for people who want the runner’s high but without all the running.

San Francisco is the site of the first cannabis-friendly gym. It’s the one where the members don’t lift weights that are too heavy, because they don't want to damage their joints.

B.B. King’s estate is being contested by 15 people claiming to be his children from 15 different women. No one had any idea that if he never learned to play the guitar, King had a future in the NBA.

B.B. King’s estate is being contested by 15 people claiming to be his children from 15 different women. At least having 15 kids now explains why he continued to work until he was 89.

A woman was arrested for trying to smuggle meth inside burritos at the U.S. and Mexican border. Which is different than the people who work for Chipotle who only use burritos to smuggle in E.coli.

Donald Trump has now won enough delegates to win the Republican nomination for President. Which means the other 16 original candidates will have the entire summer to sit around and ask “How did that happen?”

Several wrestlers at the University of Minnesota are being investigated for buying and selling drugs. Suspicions were raised when a drug deal went bad and one of the participants was taken to the hospital after being hit on the back with a folding chair.

Several wrestlers at the University of Minnesota are being investigated for buying and selling drugs. Which explains a little more now how the people there once elected Jesse Ventura to be their governor.

The CEO of McDonald’s says there are no plans to replace workers with robots yet. That won’t happen until they can come up with a program that prevents Artificial Intelligence from understanding the concept of unionization.

The CEO of McDonald’s says there are no plans to replace workers with robots yet. Apparently their customers at the drive-thru still like the idea of being surprised with what they get in the bag compared with what they actually ordered.

A study says that 62% of U.S adults get their news from social media. The other 38% are the ones who are too old to understand how to work a mobile device or computer and still get their information from Fox News.

A study says that 62% of U.S adults get their news from social media. Because what better way to know what is going on in the world than to read all cap rants from someone drinking beer in their mobile home who has been out of work three years?

A study says that 62% of U.S adults get their news from social media. Which explains how Donald Trump could become President because all the voters are more concerned with checking in to see what all their Facebook friends had for breakfast.

A poll says that 67% of Americans don’t know anyone with an electric, hybrid or plug-in hybrid vehicle. Apparently the other 33% of the people in the survey are the ones who live in California.

The actor who played “The most interesting man in the world” in beer commercials is locked in a legal battle with his management company. Which doesn’t bode well for him as anyone who is really that interesting would drop the litigation and settle the issue with  a sword fight while swinging from a chandelier.

A survey says that 93% of Millennials believe in impact investing, where they put their money to work to achieve social and environmental goals. As opposed to what past generations know as impact investing where the market crashes and their stockbroker jumps from a 10th floor window.

A report says pending home sales are at the highest level since 2006. Mostly because since 2008, home buyers have had to be on hold pending getting some money, pending a decent job and pending repairing their credit score after their foreclosure.

India says it will not let Apple open any stores there unless they use local sourcing. Apparently the people of India want to for once have some jobs that weren’t stolen from someone else.

A report says Google’s parent company controls 12% of all global media spending. The other 88% is still spent on online standards of pictures of what people ate for breakfast, cat videos and Internet porn.

A survey says that Americans overall are clueless about credit cards and scores. Which is a good thing for Donald Trump as he could be elected President because people feel they can really bond with someone who has declared bankruptcy four times.

An ad agency says South Bend, India lifted a tourism campaign almost verbatim from Salt Lake City. The head of the tourism board could be fired. Not for stealing, but for dropping their tourism goals so low as settling to compete with Salt Lake City.

A report says that marketers are already targeting Generation Z, the children of Millennials. Mostly because they have given up on the previous generation whose life goals are living in their parents’ basement and paying for their video game habit by delivering pizzas.

A study says that 1.2 Million college students drink on an average day. Which is exactly the number of students currently enrolled in colleges other than BYU.

A study says that 1.2 Million college students drink on an average day. Although that number rises to 2.8 Million on a good day.

A study says that 1.2 Million college students drink on an average day. The others have not quite gotten far enough along in their studies to realize how long it will take them to pay off their tuition loans.

A study says that workaholics are linked to anxiety, depression and other psychiatric disorders. Mostly because the people who are always at the office are trying to get away from their home life which is the reason for their mental illness.

A study says that workaholics are linked to anxiety, depression and other psychiatric disorders. Mostly because they are anxious and depressed knowing if they leave the office they will lose their job and go broke.

The WHO has launched a new approach to emergencies to become more nimble, more reactive and more operational. In other words, how most organizations react when there is an emergency.

A report says that Tom Cruise was at one time actually in training to be an astronaut. Which finally explains why he was jumping up and down so high on that couch when he was on Oprah’s show.

Dustin Diamond from “Saved By The Bell” is back in jail after a probation violation. Apparently he was caught in Hollywood trying to pitch a sequel to the show.

Dustin Diamond from “Saved By The Bell” is back in jail after a probation violation. While behind bars, he has already been trying to come up with a spinoff of the show called “Saved By The Shiv.”

Actress Amber Heard has filed for divorce from Johnny Depp after 15 months of marriage. Apparently it was a combination of their age difference, career obligations and having to face each other after that whole video-with-the-dogs-in-Australia debacle.

A former Boise State football player is being charged with biting off part of the ear of a teammate. The scary part is that he did it while they were both still wearing their helmets.

A former Boise State football player is being charged with biting off part of the ear of a teammate. Apparently he felt with the football thing not working out so well he wanted to try boxing instead but made the mistake of watching old training videos of Mike Tyson.

A report says Washington Wizards forward Markieff Morris was detained at Philadelphia International Airport and eventually released. Or as everyone else knows that, going through the security line at an airport.

Derek Jeter says he would like his own baseball team in order to “make baseball great again.” Which if he is using Donald Trump’s methods as well as his quotes, he will buy the team with other people’s money, lie about how well they are doing and then walk away from the debt by declaring bankruptcy.

Derek Jeter says he would like his own baseball team to “make baseball great again” and show Millennials it takes hard work and is not all about instant gratification. After all, it took Jeter three years in the minors before signing a multi-million dollar contract.

Analysts say that $50 a barrel oil prices won’t hurt consumers or the economy. Just think how much it will help just to have all those executives buying Persian rugs and rare paintings once again to decorate their vacation mansions in the Hamptons.

The National Weather Service says there is a 40% chance the Pacific Hurricane Season will be above normal, a 40% chance it will be near normal and a 20% chance it will be below normal. Which are exactly the same odds for pretty much anything.

Striking workers at Verizon have been threatened with contempt of court if they don’t accept responsibility for threatening and intimidating replacement workers. The judge is taking a hard stand and not allowing the strikers to treat other workers like customers.

A study says that many Americans still lack basic home Internet service. But on the good side at least they are providing jobs to all those people still working for AOL.

Some New Jersey high school students won a contest for creating a red pepper risotto dish for astronauts on the International Space Station. It was chosen for its ease of preparation, shelf life and because it was the only meal ever that tastes good with Tang.

NASA cut short an attempt to install an air filled activity module on the International Space Station that wasn’t inflating properly. Scientists say it was either from structural changes, poor connections or that Tom Brady has somehow sneaked onto the ISS.

Canadian news network CTV is calling Donald Trump an “all-purpose middle finger” raised against whatever his followers dislike. Which means the next middle finger will be moving the proposed wall on the Mexican border north about 2,000 miles.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Memorial Day Weekend is just about upon us. That is the time we set aside to remember all of those who have given their lives on the highway trying to get out of town for the Memorial Day Weekend. I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday weekend. I will be taking some time off as well, and while I take off weekends and holidays from the blog, I am in need of a bit more rest so will also take a break from the blog until Wednesday. I have rarely taken off any extra days from writing the jokes five days a week for more than ten years, even on vacation time so I think I need an extra day to rest my carpal tunnel wracked fingers. In the meantime, I hope these jokes will get you through the next four days. If not, feel free to correspond with me through an e-mail, perhaps taking the time to still remember to always (even on holiday weekends) send the love!

2 comments:

benson said...

Thanks for all you do. Have a good holiday.

Á Phàm Liêu said...

đồng hồ daniel wellington của nước nào Sau ba năm, 1 triệu chiếc đồng hồ Daniel Wellington được bán ra và thu về 70 triệu USD và con số này tăng lên hằng năm đưa cái trên Daniel Willington sánh ngang cùng với các hãng đồng hồ nổi tiếng khác như Rolex, Tag Heuer,… Hiện nay, Daniel Wellington đã và đang là thương hiệu đồng hồ hàng đầu thế giới trong phân khúc giá 100 USD.
Biểu hiện ở chổ đông người: nếu như chỉ có hai bạn và anh ấy rất thân mật nhưng ở những nơi đông người thì luôn giữ khoảng cách thì điều này chứng tỏ rằng anh ấy không muốn người khác “hiểu lầm” về mối quan hệ với bạn. ngôn ngữ cơ thể trong tình yêu
Nếu là một người yêu thích các mặt hàng Nhật Bản chất lượng cao thì hẳn Amazon.co.jp chính là địa chỉ mua sắm khá quen thuộc với bạn. Tuy nhiên, hiện nay trang này vẫn chưa có dịch vụ ship hàng về Việt Nam, do đó khách hàng sẽ không thể tự mua được nếu không có địa chỉ nhận hàng tại Nhật, cách mua hàng trên amazon tại nhật
Được trang bị bộ máy quartz chất lượng của Nhật Bản, chính vì vậy không có gì lạ khi Fossil chạy khá chính xác và hoạt động khá bền bỉ. Sản phẩm có độ chịu nhiệt, chịu lực, kháng nước cao, có thể sử dụng trong nhiều điều kiện thời tiết, qua hàng chục năm mà không sợ hư hỏng. mua đồng hồ fossil amazon về Việt Nam nhanh nhất