Thursday, May 26, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says airlines are spending millions of dollars to take steps to shorten lines at airports. Mostly because they created the lines as people are slowed down going through their pockets looking for their last spare change to cover all the inflight fees.

Experts say that smoking marijuana alters a person’s DNA. At least that’s what researchers said it felt like while they got high during the experiment.

A study says that 90% of people have “low battery anxiety” where they will drop everything to get home to charge their cellphones. The good news is when their battery runs out and they are racing home is the only time they aren’t texting behind the wheel.

A study says that 90% of people have “low battery anxiety” where they will drop everything to get home to charge their cellphones. Ironically, they find their own batteries completely run down from staying up all night looking at their cellphone.

A study says that 90% of people have “low battery anxiety” where they are worried their cellphones will lose their charge. The other 10% have work and marriage anxiety over losing their job and spouse because they can’t ever put their cellphone down.

A survey says 17% of men miss a match on a dating site because their phone battery dies. The worst part for men is having to explain how running out of juice on a date has never happened before.

Actor Shia LaBeouf says he will spend the next month hitchhiking around the U.S. Which is just another reason for people to stay sober behind the wheel and not have to deal with the consequences of getting a DUI.

Actor Shia LaBeouf says he will spend the next month hitchhiking around the U.S. Mostly because after making “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” even Uber drivers won’t bother to give him a ride.

A report says the heaviest baby girl ever at 15 pounds was born in India. Which means all she has to do to become a supermodel is drop about three of those pounds before she turns 18.

A former McDonald’s CEO says raising the minimum wage will mean robots will take over many of the restaurant’s jobs. Although he isn’t taking into consideration most the customers at McDonald’s are the workers who can’t afford to eat anywhere else.

A survey says that half of all Americans would have trouble dealing with a $400 emergency expense. The other half don’t have anything worth $400 that they would bother spending that much money to fix.

Students at Oberlin College in Ohio are asking to do away with grades below a ‘C’ and put an end to written midterm exams. Mostly because they don’t know how to write anymore because the only communication they ever do now is through texting.

Students at Oberlin College in Ohio are asking to do away with grades below a ‘C’ and put an end to written midterm exams. To which George W. Bush says if students work hard enough they will be able to maintain a C average all the way through graduation.

Students at Oberlin College in Ohio are asking to do away with grades below a ‘C’ and put an end to written midterm exams. They figure if they are paying country club prices for an education, they should be treated like they are members at a country club.

A study says that children from wealthy families tend to be poor leaders because they are too narcissistic. Which might cause some people to reconsider voting for Donald Trump whose only fear is that he will fail to make America as great as he is.

A study says that Millennials are reconsidering their position and are now in favor of owning cars. Mostly because they realize they will need a car to qualify for the best job opportunity they will ever have. Driving for Uber.

Eleven states are suing over President Obama’s transgender bathroom directive to public schools. Ironically, most of the states suing including Oklahoma, Alabama and Tennessee won’t have to comply until they actually get indoor plumbing.

The U.S. Army says it will test driverless vehicle technology on roads in Michigan. The primary objective will be to see if a self-driving vehicle can make a trip through Detroit without ending up the next morning on cinder blocks.

The U.S. Army says it will test driverless vehicle technology on roads in Michigan. Mostly because they can’t find any soldiers who are willing to volunteer to drive even an armored military vehicle through Flint, Lansing or Detroit.

A study says that adults eat nearly half their meals alone. Mostly because they find it too annoying having someone else around who will spend the whole time asking if they are going to finish all those french fries.

A survey says that most American households say they are doing better financially. Mostly because those are the households that qualify to be households because they still actually have their house.

A study says as more states legalize pot, the number of teenagers with marijuana problems declines. Mostly because the biggest problem teens ever had with marijuana was trying to keep from getting busted.

Exxon and Chevron shareholders have rejected resolutions that would help fight climate change. In a related story, shareholders at cable companies voted to keep prices high, at McDonald’s to not serve healthy food and at airlines to not start providing service.

Exxon and Chevron shareholders have rejected resolutions that would help fight climate change. They feel they do enough for the environment by giving executive bonuses that go to buy exquisitely landscaped homes along the beach.

Exxon and Chevron shareholders have rejected resolutions that would help fight climate change. People still don’t appreciate their efforts by complaining even after BP kept millions of gallons of oil from being burned by dumping it into the Gulf of Mexico.

Vacation rental site HomeAway is giving tourists a chance to spend the night on the Eiffel Tower. Not to be outdone, United Airlines reminds their passengers traveling to France how they usually end up spending the night at the Charles de Gaulle Airport.

A report says the CEOs at big U.S. companies received an average pay hike of $468,000 last year. Which was easy to do since the companies no longer have to use that money to pay the thousands of workers who lost their jobs since 2008.

A survey says 12% of Millennials expect to never be able to retire. The other 88% say they won’t even worry about it until they actually can land a job that allows them to move out of their parents’ basement.

A study says a diet too low in salt could be bad for the heart. Apparently doctors are worried about after eating fast food for decades, it may just be too rough on people’s hearts to go through a sudden withdrawal.

A study says a diet too low in salt could be bad for the heart. Apparently sodium has properties that can help it offset the effects from all the sugar and fat we eat.

A study says that smoking pot while pregnant increases the risk of premature birth. Of course, for moms high on pot even giving birth two weeks late is premature.

A study says when people are drinking alcohol, their happiness level goes up by an average of 10%. Although that might just be the booze talking.

A study says when people are drinking alcohol, their happiness level goes up by an average of 10%. Mostly because it keeps them from thinking how they are going to feel when their wife catches them sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 AM.

The CDC says that Americans are now fatter than ever with 30.4% saying they are obese. The other 69.6% still say they still prefer to describe themselves as “pleasantly plump.”

The CDC says that Americans are now fatter than ever with 30.4% saying they are obese. Which is even worse when you consider 85% of Americans think they are smarter than average, are good looking and will have a chance at retiring some day.

Students at John Hopkins University have developed a prosthetic foot that can be used with high heeled shoes. It’s for women who lost feet from being injured falling over while trying to walk around in high heeled shoes.

A survey says most Americans would not join a clinical trial. The rest like the idea of being given medicine they otherwise couldn’t afford, even if it is to treat an illness they don’t have.

“Teen Mom 2” star Kailyn Lowry has confirmed she is getting divorced. People were surprised. Someone actually married one of the moms on a pregnant teen show?

“Teen Mom 2” star Kailyn Lowry has confirmed she is getting divorced. People were surprised. Apparently it was a career move. She wants to marry someone with money so she can get a role on one of the “Real Housewives” series.

Dodger Hall of Fame announcer Vin Scully has turned down an invitation from Fox to take part in the All-Star Game broadcast. At 88 years old, Scully figures he would be much more at home with the audience on the Fox News Channel.

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh says his missed game winning field goal in last year’s playoffs “won’t define” him. To which Scott Norwood is saying “Ever heard of ‘wide right’?”

A Chinese man was killed by a walrus he had taken a selfie with. It was the first walrus related fatality since the caddie who gave a bad read on a putt to Craig Stadler.

A Chinese man was killed by a walrus he had taken a selfie with. Witnesses say the man’s final words were “Goo goo g’joob.”

Twitter stockholders have approved CEO Jack Dorsey’s plan to give one third of his stock to employees. The good news for Dorsey is that he will be able to write off the net worth on his taxes, which the way the stock is performing could be as much as $27.50.

A watchdog says the U.S. government is spending billions on old technology that barely works. Which is still considerably less than the money we see wasted every year by our members of Congress who work even less.

A watchdog says the U.S. government is spending billions on old technology that barely works, some of it as much as 56 years old. Which is really bad when you consider our ICBM anti-missile defense program is actually just a re-programmed version of “Pong.”

Chevron says that 2016 will be a tough year because of the crude oil slump. With last year’s profits falling to a mere $1.3 Billion, The CEO has had to give up his personal trainer to keep being able to pay the salaries of his chauffeur and butler.

A panel at a technology conference says Artificial Intelligence is far from being able to match the ability of humans. Except for a robotic arm that can be programmed to throw a football over 20 yards, which is still 10 yards farther than anyone on the panel.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is set to demolish $30 Million in homes to ensure his privacy. Wouldn’t it have been a lot easier and cheaper to just unfriend his neighbors?

A doctor in Israel uses an iPad to perform remote surgery in Gaza. Although after accidentally removing three organs from a patient, he no longer tries to do surgery while simultaneously playing a game of “Tetris.”

Microsoft says it will cut 1,850 jobs because of its lagging smartphone business. The worst part is that the people in the smartphone division who are being laid off were notified with a text message.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think I will use this space to make one final plea for donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk. Even though the event was a couple of weeks ago, you can contribute any time you like. All you need to do is click on the picture of me and my wife Karen who we lost to the illness five years ago and it will take you right to the site. The rest is easy. I want to thank the readers who have donated so far for their generosity. It is the only monetary exchange I ask for all year. Mostly because I don’t want to be laughed at for asking for money for the jokes. The cash you give will go to find a cure for the disease and of course is tax deductible. Even more importantly, you get a shout out on the blog and my eternal gratitude for showing the best way possible to send the love!

1 comment:

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