Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Duracell has failed in efforts to dismiss a lawsuit over using a pink bunny in their ads like Energizer. Lawyers on both sides of the dispute are excited about the possibility of the lawsuit just going and going and going...

A report says that Kenneth Star has been fired as president of Baylor University over a sex scandal involving the school’s football team. Apparently the man who investigated President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair must have determined none of the players involved were registered Democrats.

A town in Australia has been invaded by 100,000 bats. To which Houston Astros fans wouldn’t are saying they wouldn’t mind if some of them were diverted as there hasn’t been a bat sighting in the city since Jeff Bagwell retired.

Matt Drudge says that Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are “Internet ghettos” that are designed to eradicate independent ideas. What makes him really mad is that he thought of it first.

A startup company says it can analyze faces to out people who have secrets by their expressions. The only problem is distinguishing someone who looks anxious because they are a potential terrorist or because they have just eaten at Taco Bell.

A new blood test reportedly can warn men who are at a risk of dementia. Not from the blood work results, but when they arrive a half hour late because they couldn’t find their car keys and then kept getting lost trying to find the clinic.

Several toilets falling off a truck caused a traffic snarl on an L.A. freeway. It wasn’t the first time a clog creating a backup involving toilets wasn’t directly connected to someone eating at Chipotle.

Several toilets falling off a truck caused a traffic snarl on an L.A. freeway. The only difference is that when it comes to toilets, some Metamucil can usually be used to clear up any stop and go traffic that results in backups.

The Census Bureau says the most common living arrangement for people 18-34 is now living with their parents. Which just made for a large price increase for any homes coming on the market that include a basement.

“Rage rooms” in Houston are becoming popular where people can destroy household items with different weapons. Mostly for people who are angry about the economy, their job situation or being suckered into buying season tickets for the Astros.

Yahoo reportedly spent more than $500,000 on protection for CEO Marissa Mayer. Mostly from the fear of possible stalkers, potential terrorists and more likely irate stockholders after they open their annual shareholders' report.

A new device promises to help people break their bad habits by giving them an electrical shock. The only problem is that is the exact same theory that was behind the invention of the electric chair.

The GOP is mulling a way to overhaul their primary voting system. Apparently they want prevent any disasters like they have faced this election cycle and be more like the Democrats in just taking the choices away from the voters.

The GOP is mulling a way to overhaul their primary voting system. Although with Donald Trump as their presumptive nominee, better methods next time would include random selection, lottery or eenie-meenie-minie-moe.

A report says fewer Americans are moving away in the search for career opportunities. Mostly because they figure why move when there is always another 7-Eleven, GoMart or Speedway within driving distance.

A report says the average city dweller in Kenya pays 16 bribes a month. The good news is that the experience qualifies them to move to the U.S. to become a congressional lobbyist.

An analysis says that health care costs in the U.S. have tripled since 2001. Not because of the insurance or medical professions but because people have picked up three times as many unhealthy lifestyle habits.

An analysis says that health care costs in the U.S. have tripled since 2001, with the average family paying $25,000 a year. The cost of the health care is $5,000 but it included the $20,000 spent on junk food that created the need for most the medical treatment in the first place.

Asian-American groups are claiming they are being discriminated against by some Ivy League universities. Apparently if Asians want to be accepted into more American colleges, they will have to do it the old fashioned way. Become very good at football.

A study says that workers in L.A. have the least access to retirement plans. Mostly because anyone living there will be working to at least 93 just to pay off their home mortgage.

A study says that workers in L.A. have the least access to retirement plans. Which isn’t entirely true, as most people there do have a retirement plan. Pitch a tent at the beach.

Under Armour has inked a $280 million, 15 year deal with UCLA. Which coincidentally is exactly the same amount of tuition money and time it would take for one of the members of the football team to graduate.

The first surviving septuplets have graduated from their high school in Iowa. The parents raised them with hard work, dedication and prayer. Although the prayer was mostly reserved for their college scholarship applications to be accepted.

The CDC says only 15% of Americans still smoke cigarettes. The other 85% quit smoking so they can be in good shape when they are asked to serve as pallbearers for the ones who do.

The CDC says only 15% of Americans still smoke. Mostly as a status symbol to show they can afford the high cost of cigarettes along with their brand new high tech portable oxygen tank.

A report says that balloons can be swallowed and filled with gas as a new form of weight loss. Although if anyone wants their intestines filled with gas all they need to do is stop by a Del Taco.

A report says doctors are prescribing antidepressants for use against anxiety, insomnia and pain. Mostly because the patients with those other maladies will eventually become depressed when they finally get their pharmacy bill.

A study says letting babies cry themselves to sleep doesn’t cause any emotional or behavioral harm. Except for the parents who have to lie wide awake in bed listening to a crying baby for three hours.

Two active duty U.S. soldiers and a combat veteran recently summited Mt. Everest. The good news is that since there was no oil found on the peak we won’t be invading.

A study says eating dinner past 8:00 at night is not linked to children’s obesity. Except for the kids who have to delay dinner that late because they aren’t finished with lunch until 7:30.

A study says that only 5% of terminally ill cancer patients understand their prognosis. The other 95% are of the mistaken belief that their costs will still be picked up by their health insurance plan.

A study says that 66% of Americans believe they are in excellent of very good health. Mostly when they compare how they look and feel compared with the other 34%.

A study says that 66% of Americans believe they are in excellent of very good health. They don’t actually feel that way, it’s just they are worried if they put anything else down on their application for health insurance they will be dropped for a pre-existing condition.

Paul McCartney says that Kanye West is a “crazy guy that comes up with some great stuff.” Which shows that our parents were right. If you play enough loud rock and roll music, over time you will go deaf.

Paul McCartney says he was depressed after the Beatles broke up and turned to heavy drinking. Which finally explains how he came up with the idea for Wings.

John Carpenter has signed on for the 10th sequel to the movie “Halloween.” This one promises to be much more frighteningly realistic. Instead of being murdered by Michael Myers, the local teenagers are killed by diabetes and heart disease from all the Trick-Or-Treat candy they eat.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is refuting charges that the NFL tried to influence a study of brain injuries. Goodell says the league finds it much more effective to get their way by using their money and power to influence the courts and legislators.

Atlanta, San Francisco and Los Angeles have been named the venues for three upcoming Super Bowls. Mostly to make up for the complaints they will get for naming Minnesota for another and already having the game played in Detroit and New Jersey.

Atlanta, San Francisco and Los Angeles have been named the venues for three upcoming Super Bowls. Mostly so there won’t be any conflict of any of those cities would have a chance of having their team in the game.

The Miami Marlins are suing some season ticket holders who are demanding the team give them the perqs they paid for. For instance, they say they expected to be able to see a Major League Baseball team play every game. To which management says there is. They are called the “visitors.”

The Miami Marlins are suing some season ticket holders who are demanding the team give them the perqs they paid for. Sports fans were surprised. The Marlins actually found people who bought season tickets for the Marlins?

The GM of the Buffalo Bills says that football is a violent game that he “doesn’t think humans are supposed to play.” Which, as most Raiders fans will tell you they don’t.

The GM of the Buffalo Bills says that football is a violent game that he “doesn’t think humans are supposed to play.” But on the other hand, Buffalo is a city where humans are not supposed to be able to live.

The Pac 12 is trying to stop fans from storming fields and courts by threatening schools with fines of up to $100,000. Which doesn’t scare too many West Coast colleges who can make that up by enrolling one more student to pay for a semester worth of tuition.

A study says only 1 in 6 drivers want fully autonomous vehicles. The other five apparently miss having someone yelling from the back seat for them to turn left, slow down and put down the cellphone before they kill everyone.

A Canadian couple was married at an animal shelter with the wedding only attended by cats. Although the bride may regret it years later when she watches the wedding video where the “Wedding March” has been replaced with the “Meow Mix” jingle.

A Canadian couple was married at an animal shelter with the wedding only attended by cats. The worst part was when the couple left the shelter and instead of rice were pelted with Little Friskies.

A dating site has started for fans of Donald Trump. Which if they are truly like Donald Trump, they won’t want to date each other. Just Donald Trump.

A dating site has started for fans of Donald Trump. Just what women want. A date who shows up with a bad haircut, spends the night talking about himself and hands her the dinner check saying he has a cash flow problem.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I received a nice surprise yesterday, a very generous donation by reader Tim Hunter who made a contribution to the Great Strides Walk to fight Cystic Fibrosis. It’s still not too late if you would like to get involved in a great cause. Another late donation came in from Carol Melton whom I would also like to personally thank here. Just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen who was taken five years ago by the affliction and it will take you right to the site. It’s easy and quick and will help find a cure to help the young people fighting the illness to live a long and healthy life. So again, thanks to Tim and Carol for your generosity as well as all the others who chipped in. It is the best way yet for anyone to show they really want to send the love!

No comments: