Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Olympic swimming champ Michael Phelps says he is off his 12,000 calories a day diet that he used during training. Or as most Americans call 12,000 calories a day, a hunger strike.

A UK restaurant manager has been sentenced to prison for six years for manslaughter for serving peanuts to a customer who died from an allergy. Taco Bell workers in the U.S. are concerned. “They can jail you for killing customers?”

A UK restaurant manager has been sentenced to prison for six years for manslaughter for serving peanuts to a customer who died from an allergy. It’s a clear cut case of judicial inequality as there are thousands of restaurant managers and cooks walking around free after deliberately serving customers haggis.

A study says the Fitbit trackers are “highly inaccurate” and can be off as much as 20 beats per minute on detecting a heart rate. The worst part is that the study showed most Americans reached their maximum heart rate the minute they walk into a McDonald’s.

Facebook has apologized for banning pictures of a plus sized model. Mostly because she claims the reason she is not a plus sized model is from sitting around all day at the computer posting her pictures on Facebook.

Facebook has apologized for banning pictures of a plus sized model. The modeling industry has adopted the term “plus size” as it refers to anyone who has blown up to the point they wear something larger than a size zero.

A study in the UK says that cash is used in less than half of all transactions. To which people in the U.S. need to be reminded that cash is that stuff they used to have in their pockets before 2008.

A camel tied up in the heat in India severed its owners head. Which is different in the U.S. as when people think of littering with Camels, they are talking about people throwing away the butts.

A camel tied up in the heat in India severed its owners head. That was one argument where the owner really meant it when he said “Well, you don’t need to bite my head off!”

Angelina Jolie has been invited to teach at the London School of Economics. Apparently they felt their students could learn a lot about money from someone who is getting ready to have to pay for college for six children.

FIFA has fired its financial director for taking millions of dollars in “irregular” bonus payments. Or as most people refer to that process, “embezzlement.”

FIFA has fired its financial director for taking millions of dollars in “irregular” bonus payments. His first mistake was taking bonus money from FIFA instead of like the other executives, collecting cash from outside sources in bribes.

The Swiss are discussing paying every adult in the country $2,500 to do nothing. We already do that here in the U.S., only here the program is called the government payroll.

A study says college students in fraternities are not cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink despite interventions. Especially the ones that turn whether or not they will have an intervention on any particular day into a drinking game.

A study says college students in fraternities are not cutting back on the amount of alcohol they drink despite interventions. Or as most frat members call interventions, having to show up in class.

VA Secretary Bob McDonald compared the time waiting for medical treatment to the time guests at Disneyland spend waiting in line for rides. The main difference is it is much more fun ending up on Space Mountain instead of being pushed down a hallway by an orderly using a gurney.

A deal has reportedly been reached to keep Atlantic City, New Jersey from running out of cash. Apparently it has to do with encouraging people to lose money in the casinos by betting on Atlantic City to become financially solvent someday.

Ride sharing company Lyft will start allowing people to schedule rides up to 24 hours in advance. The only problem is that most people don’t know that far ahead when they will be completely drunk out of their minds.

A study says that Americans are still not excited about self-driving cars. Mostly because they like the feel of the accelerator beneath their feet, the control of the steering wheel in their hands and a cellphone in their fingers for texting while driving.

A study says that Americans are still not excited about self-driving cars. Where’s the adventure of having a robotic car get you there using GPS and miss out on the thrill of getting lost because you are too stubborn to ask for directions?

A study says Americans used 1 Trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. That doesn’t even include people with wireless plans on AT&T who were able to download as much as 3 Megabytes.

A study says Americans used 1 Trillion gigabytes of mobile data last year. Mostly the people who are on the road and away from their office computer and need another device to watch Internet porn on the job.

The President of the San Francisco Federal Reserve says the U.S. is at full employment. Mostly because all the positions have been filled by people who now need to work at four jobs just to make ends meet.

A Korean convenience store has launched an ice cream product that they claim to be a hangover cure. Which means that for dessert people can have a hair of the dog. Of course, the rest of the dog was what they were served for their main course.

Twitter users are sharing their stories about fighting their depression to try to help others. Mostly by telling them to avoid being depressed by actually having a life and not posting on Twitter all day.

A study says that 60% of packaged food and drinks in stores have added sugar. The other 40% is the food that has been sitting in the store’s bargain bin for the past two months.

A survey says that 82% of Americans think hamburgers are healthy to eat. Which they are when they are compared to the pizza, bacon, hot dogs and french fries that make up most the rest of their meals.

One of the fatalities on Mt. Everest this season was a vegan hoping to summit. The sad news is, even is she would have survived the climb she would have been a vegetable.

Researchers in Ohio have identified an affliction called “dormant butt syndrome” that can lead to a risk of chronic pain. Which sounds more like a scientific term for what the rest of us know as being a lazy ass.

Researchers in Ohio have identified an affliction called “dormant butt syndrome” that can lead to a risk of chronic pain. Mostly from being hit in the head by your wife after wasting the entire weekend sitting on the couch watching sports on TV.

Jennifer Lopez says she does not deserve her reputation for being a diva. Actually, she didn’t say it. It came from her personal assistant through orders from her publicity agent at the direction of her manager under threat of all of them being fired if they don’t fix it.

A congressional report says the NFL tried to influence the brain study they conceded to as part of a lawsuit settlement. In other words, the league messed up by not trying to fix the report properly by giving the members of Congress involved some cash donations.

Major League Baseball is investigating the San Diego Padres after a gay men’s chorus was preempted from singing the National Anthem when a recording was played instead. Apparently the person in charge used to work for Britney Spears and had no idea there are people who don’t lip sync.

Major League Baseball is investigating the San Diego Padres after a gay men’s chorus was preempted from singing the National Anthem when a recording was played instead. There is a concern about live performances in San Diego. The Padres are still apologizing for having Roseanne Barr sing “The Star Spangled Banner” back in 1990.

Dollar General is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and NASCAR as a sponsor at the end of the year. Apparently race officials were worried that coming home with all those bags of one dollar bills made their wives think they were getting ready to go out to the strip clubs.

Dollar General is leaving Joe Gibbs Racing and NASCAR as a sponsor at the end of the year. Apparently it had to do something with the pit crew only being given tools from Dollar General, meaning having to fix everything with a hammer and duct tape.

A Massachusetts man has stood outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. Just to show he is ready to fill in for Tom Brady, he has let the air out of the tires of every car in the parking lot.

A Massachusetts man has stood outside Gillette Stadium every day for a month hoping for a tryout with the New England Patriots. If it works, expect to see Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton fighting for the best spot to stand in front of the White House.

Cafeteria workers at Intel headquarters say their bathroom breaks are restricted. Fortunately, the workers at Intel do not have any restrictions on bathroom breaks. Especially the ones who have just finished eating in the company cafeteria.

Hyundai says it will build an electrical vehicle with a 250 mile range by 2020. As opposed to Chrysler which is still working on a vehicle that has a 250 mile life expectancy.

AT&T and Sprint are offering deals to buy one smartphone and get another free. The only difference is that with AT&T, the deal is technically buying what amounts to two paperweights.

A study says the least stressful job is a fashion model. For one thing, they never have to worry about the little things like going to the supermarket or make plans for what they are going to eat ever.

Apple is telling its suppliers to prepare for a high demand for the iPhone 7. Mostly because all Apple has to do to create a panic is say the phones are available but there is a limited supply.

A study says that New Orleans is sinking faster than thought, at around two inches a year. To which the people who have endured being Saints fans all these years are saying “Is there any way to speed things up a bit?”

The video game “Minecraft” is expanding into China. Which doesn’t sound like something they would be much interested in as minecrafting pretty much sounds more like what they already do there every day for a living.

Bill Clinton says he wants Donald Trump to release his tax returns. To which Trump says he will as soon as Clinton makes public the numbers in his little black book.

Bernie Sanders says the Democratic National Convention is going to be “messy.” To which the people who have ever been to more than one are saying “and your point is...?”

The head of security of the TSA has been reassigned after it was revealed he was paid $90,000 in bonuses. That’s like going out of your way to tip the server at Chipotle who gave you the burrito covered in E.coli.

The head of security of the TSA has been reassigned after it was revealed he was paid $90,000 in bonuses. It can only be hoped that his reassignment involves several plane flights to get to where he has to go through a three hour security wait for each one.

Donald Trump says if he is elected President, he may ask Congress to formally declare a war against terrorism. Which would also be expanded to include Mexican immigrants, African refugees and anyone who says anything against the U.S. or his administration.

Hillary Clinton was in Detroit saying that Donald Trump is a “disaster waiting to happen.” As opposed to Detroit which is a disaster that has been going on for the past 30 years.

Hillary Clinton is warning that Donald Trump could bankrupt the U.S. The only question is, when a country is already $18 Trillion in debt just how much further does it have to go to be actually declared bankrupt?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, darn. No one played my Ramones trivia game yesterday. In case you care, the reference to Chicken Vindaloo comes from their song “I Just Want To Have Something To Do.” It is featured in the movie “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School,” one of my favorite films of all time. Oh, well. You missed out on the chance to win nothing. Pretty much like what you get any day out of reading this blog. If you don’t like playing trivia games, you can always instead use the time to make sure and remember to always send the love!

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