Sunday, May 22, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Bill Clinton says he feels “totally useless” this election season. Which is usually the phrase reserved for whomever is named to run as Vice President.

The Chinese government reportedly sends out a half billion fake social media posts to divert attention from sensitive issues. Apparently they got the idea to send out countless meaningless posts for no other reason than to generate attention from the Kardashians.

A report says adult temper tantrums could be a sign of a condition called “intermittent explosive disorder.” Either that or they are preparing for a televised presidential debate.

Tarantulas reportedly terrorized passengers on a flight from the Dominican Republic to Canada. Either they escaped from a smuggler, came in with the cleaning crew or finally answered what they would come up with for the sequel to “Snakes On A Plane.”

A report says one third of all corporate cash is held by five U.S. companies, with Apple alone sitting on $216 Billion. Although Apple explains that away as just being last week’s advanced orders for the iPhone 7.

A historian predicts in a new book that Artificial Intelligence will create a “useless class of humans.” In other words, robots will finish off the job started by their distant relative the smartphone.

A wristband linked to the wearer’s bank account can be programmed to give a shock when the person spends too much money. Unfortunately, by then it’s already too late to zap the person for the $200 they forked out to buy the wristband in the first place.

A wristband linked to the wearer’s bank account can be programmed to give a shock when the person spends too much money. Which means they need to get ready to get hit with a jolt the minute they even think about walking into the Apple Store.

A study says that eating curry can help fight dementia. Like making people remember to wear an adult diaper whenever they sit down at the dinner table to a plate of Chicken Vindaloo.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means when people are asked who furnished their home, they will say it was a combination of Ethan Allen, Thomasville and Ruger.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. The most frustrating part is putting together an IKEA living room set where you have to also know how to assemble a Remington Carbine.

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means at some point there is going to be a domestic shooting where the homeowner says “I didn’t know the divan was loaded.”

A new trend in furniture is to provide secret compartments to conceal firearms. Which means people are going to have to be very careful when they visit Dick Cheney’s home and he tells them to have a seat in the recliner.

A report says the water level in Lake Mead in Nevada is at an all time low. The water is so low that the mob is having to resort to dumping the bodies of deadbeat gamblers in the pool over at Caesar’s Palace.

A report says constantly using smartphones can cause a variety of health problems. Especially for the men whose wives find out who they are using their phone to spend all their time talking, texting and posting pictures with.

A report says constantly using smartphones can cause a variety of health problems from sitting all day and putting stress on their eyes and neck. Which they then spend more time using their phone to Google what is wrong with their back, eyes and neck.

A mobile home in Malibu has sold for $5.3 Million. Neighbors were surprised. They thought that some new black velvet paintings on the wall, AstroTurf in the yard and new tires meant that Britney Spears was going to stay put for awhile.

The FDA has approved new food nutrition labels that will be easier to read. Which are even more simple now that most food processing companies are sticking to the basic three ingredients of sugar, salt and fat.

Graduating seniors at Ontario High School in southern California found their diplomas contained the misspelled word “shcool.” That wasn’t as bad as students who saw their address was “Ontario, CA” and assumed global warming was why it was always so hot even though they lived near Toronto.

A Missouri man says it took five years and $50,000 in payments and interest to pay back a $2,500 payday loan. Even the people at Countrywide Mortgage sent the company a card saying “Thanks for making us not feel so bad about what we did.”

A report says IBM layoffs could affect 14,000 jobs. The sad part was seeing Watson on the side of a freeway offramp with a sign saying “Will play ‘Jeopardy!’ for Windows update.”

The TSA says it will hire 768 full time screeners to help with security delays at airports. The only problem is that to get an interview, job applicants have to wait in line for three hours after taking off their shoes and being limited to three ounces of water.

A report says Venezuela is running out of sugar. Which in the U.S. would cause a panic as people would have to change all their recipes to just equal parts of salt and fat.

People who bought GM SUVs with overstated gas mileage estimates will be given debit cards as compensation. Which they can now use to pay for all the extra visits to the gas station they had no idea they would be making.

A study says a “sixth sense” protects drivers from distractions and stress except while they are texting. Mostly because as soon as people start texting behind the wheel they lose whatever they had left of any common sense.

Sugary soft drinks have been pulled out of elementary schools in Colombia. Apparently they don’t want their kids to develop any bad health habits while they get their education to start a career in the national industry that provides the rest of the world with cocaine.

A study says zero gravity can cause long term health problems for people on long missions in space. Although that isn’t a problem as much as the health issues with most Americans who have gotten so fat they have developed their own gravitational pull.

A study says a healthy lifestyle can prevent up to half of all cancer deaths. To which most Americans are asking “so what are the other options?”

A guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone was bought at an auction by his widow for $55,000. The transaction had to be done in cash because it came with no strings attached.

A guitar once owned by Johnny Ramone was bought at an auction by his widow for $55,000. She wanted to be able to do something with the instrument that had never been done while her husband was alive. Tune it up.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly flew 8,000 miles on a private jet to pick up an environmental award. Mostly because he didn’t have three weeks to sit cramped up in the back of a Honda Fit along with $6,000 in cash to get there using Uber.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly flew 8,000 miles on a private jet to pick up an environmental award. Which was still better than the fact the award was made from California Sequoia covered with panda fur with lettering made from elephant ivory.

P Diddy hosted a tribute over the weekend in Brooklyn to the late rapper Notorious B.I.G. who was gunned down in 1997. Which is ironic in that the guest list of rappers from the 1990s pretty much was made up of everyone suspected of pulling the trigger.

Larry Bird gave an interview where he says he favors the NBA creating a four point shot. Which would be for anything just inside of half court, or if Shaquille O’Neal was still playing from the free throw line.

Two horses died at Pimlico on Preakness race day. Which goes to show when someone from the mob comes up and tells you to slow down on the back stretch, you slow down on the back stretch.

An out-of-town bettor reportedly flew into Las Vegas over the weekend to place a $9,000 wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. The payout for a win would be $540,000. If he wanted a long shot he could have been in line for the same amount by putting a dollar on the Raiders.

An out-of-town bettor reportedly flew into Las Vegas over the weekend to place a $9,000 wager on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl. The only way he could make a dumber bet would be to put some cash down on MVP Johnny Manziel.

New Orleans Saints and Pelicans owner Tom Benson says his family tried to kill him. Mostly for putting all the family money they stand to inherit into investments like the Saints and the Pelicans.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says he is “absolutely” open to being selected as Hillary Clinton’s running mate. Which would really anger Republicans who when they said wanted a Cuban in the White House were talking about Marco Rubio or Ted Cruz.

Tom Brady was picked as fifth on a list of the most hated NFL players of all time. Although the lineup is considered suspect as neither Brady nor the four ahead of him on the list ever spend any time as a Raider.

Google and Levis are teaming up to make a smart denim jacket that can be used to control the wearer’s cellphones. Which would be the first time anyone would be seen in a denim jacket that was described as “smart.”

Google and Levis are teaming up to make a smart denim jacket that can be used to control the wearer’s cellphones. The only question is would a company made from Google and Levis would be called “Googly Eyes”?

Monitoring staff Internet usage has become a common practice in Brazilian organizations. Mostly trying to keep employees from going online to see how much more people are being paid in all the other countries.

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification. It will eliminate the need for people to have passwords. The only glitch so far is that anyone calling in has to use the phrase “12345.”

Citibank has launched a voice biometric authentication system for identity verification, eliminating passwords. The only problem so far is anyone calling in using an AT&T connection automatically gets sent over by the computer to the account of Bob Dylan.

Researchers say two mega tsunamis destroyed an ancient shoreline on Mars. The good news is that hundreds of new applications came into NASA to take part in the Mars mission from people named “Hangten,” “Moondoggy” and “Wipeout.”

A survey says 72% of Americans have used an on-demand service. Mostly men who got caught sneaking into their bedroom at 3:00 AM and needed to get a ride from Uber to a place they could rent for the night on Airbnb.

A new documentary about Anthony Weiner is getting positive reviews. It is the one film that men are advised they may want to shut off their cellphones and not use them for texting during the movie.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. To which Trump is open as long as he doesn’t have to apologize for any current and future offensive statements.

Former Mexico President Vicente Fox says he will have lunch with Donald Trump if he apologizes for past offensive statements. And as long as Trump doesn’t try to take him to the Trump Tower Grill for a taco bowl.

That’s it or now, Oh Faithful Readers! I have to point out that I wrote two jokes about Johnny Ramone’s guitar being auctioned off to his widow, one of them about his playing out of tune. That was simply a joke of opportunity and in no way reflects from my total admiration of the Ramones as one of the greatest rock and roll bands in history. Even though they did play out of tune. Especially because they played out of tune. But I did try to make up for it with a hidden reference to one of their songs earlier in the blog. If you can find it, you are a true Ramones fan and have my admiration for your taste. Just e-mail me at jimbarach@hotmail.com if you can find the answer. There is no prize. It will just be an even better way to show me we share the same taste in music which of course counts as sending the love!

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