Friday, May 20, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that two thirds of Americans say they would struggle to cover a $1,000 emergency. The other one third says $1,000 isn’t an emergency. It’s a disaster. $15 is an emergency.

Morley Safer from CBS’ “60 Minutes” has died at age 84, a week after retiring. His colleagues apparently were expecting bad news when one of their coworkers decides to hang it up at such a young age.

Morley Safer from CBS’ “60 Minutes” has died at age 84, a week after retiring. Which for most Americans would have been just long enough to wipe out everything they had managed to put into their 401(k) account.

A survey says the average person spends .45% of their life having sex. Mostly at a span of three minutes at a time.

A survey says the average person spends .45% of their life having sex. The other 99.55% of their life is spent trying to get some.

Venezuela is preparing for its biggest military exercise in its history. Although none of their neighbors are going to be particularly impressed at the sight of 10,000 gauchos practicing throwing their bolos.

Doctors in the UK are testing a breathalyzer that may be able to detect lung cancer. The first sign is when the patient is still smoking a cigarette while breathing into the machine.

Dermatologists say that cellphones may cause acne. Mostly for the people who are using their phones so much they aren’t able to finish school and get anything other than working at the french fry station at McDonald’s.

A study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. Usually the nine minutes between the four minimum wage jobs they have to work to make ends meet.

A study says the average person can only relax 36 minutes a day. Which is the time they finally get to unwind after eight hours of watching internet porn at work, the five hours on the couch playing video games and three hours standing in fast food lines.

A poll says that nine of ten Native Americans are not offended by the Washington Redskins name. Just as long as people keep coming to their casinos and giving them their money when they keep placing bets thinking their team has a chance at winning.

Phil Mickelson has agreed to return nearly $1 Million he made as a result of insider trading. His lawyers say he is not guilty of any criminal wrongdoing, which means that like Bubba Watson he is just going to put the blame on his caddy.

Roger Federer will not play in the French Open, the first Grand Slam event he will miss since 2000. Not to say he is getting older, but he may also miss Wimbledon as he keeps yelling at all the younger players on the grass courts to get off his lawn.

Roger Federer will not play in the French Open, the first Grand Slam event he will miss since 2000. Not to say he is getting older, but it is just harder to get traction on the red clay courts while trying to rush the net using a walker.

A federal appeals court has upheld a ban on citizens owning machine guns. Which is bad news for people claiming the right to be able to protect themselves who will now only be able to use an AK-47, AR-15, Bushmaster M4 Carbine, Anzio 20mm, Glock 23...

The U.S. has introduced a bill to help Puerto Rico with its $70 Billion debt. Or as Congress calls $70 Billion in borrowed money to run the government, “Tuesday.”

A group is urging Congress to forgive farmers’ student loans. Which would be great news for the seven farmers who have actually gotten an education that went past the third grade.

A group is urging Congress to forgive farmers’ student loans. Which is ironic in that other graduates are taking years to pay back their loans because they spent their college years just getting plowed.

A new device reportedly can tell if food contains any gluten or peanuts for people who are on special diets or have allergies. If that works, Americans are looking forward to a device that tells if food is edible with the necessary amounts of salt, fat and sugar.

Hillary Clinton says Donald Trump is not qualified to be President because of his “irresponsible, dangerous and reckless comments.” What’s worse is those comments  are mostly his proposed policies.

Mario Andretti and the IRE will give 200 mph race car rides to fans at a cost of $3,300. Not to say that at 76 years of age Andretti may be a bit old, but fans are complaining he doesn’t get out of second gear and when one of the other drivers passes him he yells out “Slow down, you punk. What do you think this is, the Indy 500?!”

Mario Andretti and the IRE will give 200 mph race car rides to fans at a cost of $3,300. For those who are afraid of going that fast, Al Cowlings is offering an alternative ride in a slow moving white Bronco up the 405 Freeway with several police cars in slow pursuit.

The median price of homes in Santa Clara County in California have reached $1 Million for the first time. The good news is that is the middle ground, so a one bedroom fixer upper in the garlic capital of Gilroy is still a bargain at only $850,000.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. Her first assignment will be a cover story detailing the Mediterranean style design  and construction of the new custom home specially built for Malibu Barbie.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. There will be special design tips on how to clear up more wall space inside a home to hang more posters of Harry Styles, Justin Bieber and the Kardashians.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. The first edition under her supervision will show how to landscape a backyard with a rose garden and fountain but still leave enough room to fit in a trampoline.

Teen Vogue editor Amy Astley has been named the new editor in chief at Architectural Digest. The first issue features a dream home mansion with 25 rooms, each furnished with bean bag chairs positioned in front of a PlayStation 4.

The CW says 40% of its programming will be made up of superhero shows. The other 60% will be the usual mere mortals who are mostly good looking teenagers with completely messed up love lives.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. The worst ones are the ones that have signs asking the last person getting out of the pool to make sure to flush.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. The other 20% are in places that are in areas too remote or not luxurious enough for Paris Hilton to use.

The CDC says that 80% of public pools and hot tubs are in violation of health and safety codes. If nothing else, at least they allow people to experience what it is like to be a fish swimming in the East River.

A study says that 25 Million Americans will have vision problems by 2050. Or did the report say 37 Million Americans by 2090? It is too hard to read that small font they use.

A study says that 25 Million Americans will have vision problems by 2050. Which is ironic in that they won’t be able to read any of the texts they are sent on the cellphones that squinting at the screen all day made them lose their eyesight in the first place.

Researchers say they have identified four genes responsible for the shape of people’s noses. Or as teenage girls in Beverly Hills know that, Dr. Schwartz.

The WHO says the life expectancy around the world has increased by five years since 2000. Which is amazing when taking into account that it would be even higher without the ten year drop for people living in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq.

The WHO says the life expectancy around the world has increased by five years since 2000. Which is good news that the global economic crisis has been able to cut down the lives shortened by obesity as no one can even afford two meals a day anymore.

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Hopefully they will instead go back to the old way of training them with qualified professors.

Johns Hopkins University says its medical school will no longer use live animals to train students. Which is ironic as most of their graduates will be making a living because of the animals that eventually ended up at McDonald’s, Wendy’s and Burger King.

A month after the death of Prince there is still no autopsy report. It’s taken so long that if he had survived his health emergency he would have died by now anyway from old age.

The Pro Bowl is reportedly moving from Hawaii to the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. Which will make for a much more exciting spectacle. Not the game, but watching the players trying to get from the parking lot into the stadium without getting mugged.

The Pro Bowl is reportedly moving from Hawaii to the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. If for no other reason it will mean for people on the east coast the game will be over and out of everyone’s mind six hours earlier.

Atlanta Braves shortstop Erik Aybar was taken to the hospital to have a chicken bone removed from his throat. And you thought when the Braves made the playoffs 14 straight years with one World Series win was when they were most likely to choke.

A prisoner in Ireland had to undergo surgery after swallowing a cellphone. Some people will do anything to get out of having to come to the dinner table on “haggis night.”

A prisoner in Ireland had to undergo surgery after swallowing a cellphone. It may have been a mobile gadget but definitely will not be described by anyone as a “smartphone.”

A robot made in Taiwan won a $100,000 competition to create a painting in the style of a master. The sad part for the machines is their works don’t really increase in value until after the robot has been recycled.

A robot made in Taiwan won a $100,000 competition to create a painting in the style of a master. Although the robots will never match humans when it comes to art, because even when they paint by numbers they can only use a series of ones and zeros.

AT&T has introduced an unlimited data plan for cars for $40 a month. Which is a great deal for anyone driving a Chrysler who doesn’t have to worry about being charged extra for staying online for several hours waiting for the tow truck to finally arrive.

A study says that 85% of Americans have never used Uber or Airbnb. Mostly because in this economy, most people’s idea of traveling and lodging is hitchhiking to where they are going and sleeping overnight in the Greyhound bus terminal.

A high tech NASA balloon is making a trip around the world for scientific experiments. The only question is how bad has NASA slipped when they consider any balloon “high tech”?

A high tech NASA balloon is making a trip around the world for scientific experiments. This is the agency that operates the International Space Station and Hubble Telescope. How much out of favor are the people who have been assigned to that project?

Scientists say they have created a synthetic replica of Dom Perignon for a quarter of the price. To which Skid Row winos are saying they have done that for years with just some Kool-Aid and Aqua Velva.

A LinkedIn breach in 2012 reportedly compromised more than 100 Million accounts. The only question is why would anyone want the personal information from members of a site who are all looking for work?

Donald Trump made an appearance at a Chris Christie fundraiser where he asked the New Jersey Governor if he had stopped eating Oreos. To which Christie says he is still just eating the fish they throw him every day when he swims around the tank.

Donald Trump asked “who cares?” about a trade war with China. Mostly anyone trading with us always loses as we haven’t actually made anything in this country since 1993.

Donald Trump was quoted back in 2006 that he hoped the real estate market crashed so he could buy cheap property. Apparently that is his plan behind running for President, knowing that when he wins the entire country will sell for pennies on the dollar by 2017.

A report says Donald Trump once proposed a race-based season of “The Apprentice” where teams competed against each other based on skin color. Since it wasn’t picked up by NBC, he decided to instead save the format to use in the general election.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is Friday, which I am sure you are already well aware of. That means two full days of fun, relaxation and no jokes from me. While you have a few moments of free time, I hope you will take one last opportunity to donate money to the Cystic Fibrosis Great Strides Walk held last weekend. It is still not too late to open your hearts and wallets and kick in a few dollars to help find a cure for the illness that took my wife five years ago. This will be my last attempt at asking for contributions, so I hope you will just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen which will take you right to the site. Nothing could be easier when it comes to helping people live a long and healthy life and showing the best way possible to send the love!

1 comment:

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