Thursday, May 19, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump unveiled a list of potential Supreme Court nominees if he is elected President. It was easy for Trump to come up with a list of judges seeing as how much time he has spent in court for bankruptcy, divorce and lawsuits over Trump University.

CBS says six new shows for the upcoming season which are being criticized for having white males in the lead role are still “more diverse.” At least more than their audience, as the characters are all under 80.

CBS says six new shows for the upcoming season which are being criticized for having white males in the lead role are still “more diverse.” At least more than if the series were all based in Silicon Valley.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Mostly because the jobs there only require about three days of work a year, but to keep them the rest of the time is spent running.

A survey says that Washington, D.C. is the fittest city in the nation. Especially the lobbyists who have to really be in great shape to carry all those cash bribes from K Street to the Capitol Building.

A fortune teller in Virginia has pleaded guilty to stealing more than $1 Million from clients in order to “lift their curse.” Although she may reverse her plea as now that she is in jail, what she did actually worked.

A report says the TSA collected $765,000 in unclaimed change at security checkpoints in 2015. Mostly tips left behind from people who weren’t made to go through the naked body scanner.

A report says the TSA collected $765,000 in unclaimed change at security checkpoints in 2015. However, the airlines are now suing to collect saying that money should have been theirs when it fell out as passengers wiggled their large behinds trying to fit into the tiny seats.

Students at a UK university were told to mime throwing their mortarboard at graduation for safety purposes. That’s what happens when all the athletes over there play a sport where they never get to use their hands.

Students at a UK university were told to mime throwing their mortarboard at graduation for safety purposes. In the U.S., graduating students are instead being told to use their imaginations and mime something much more unlikely to ever happen, like writing their last check to pay off their student loans.

Parents are complaining of a dentists’ restraining device called the “papoose board” that keeps children from struggling during office visits, claiming their kids were tortured and traumatized. Otherwise known as going to see the dentist.

Parents are complaining of a dentists’ restraining device called the “papoose board” that keeps children from struggling during office visits, claiming their kids were tortured and traumatized. Which is different than how the dentists torture and traumatize their parents when they send them the bill.

A five year old girl in Colorado was suspended for bringing a “bubble gun” to school. The girl’s parents apologized, saying next time they will only send her to school with a Colorado school-approved AK-47.

An Australian fisherman says he fought off crocodiles circling his capsized boat by throwing tools and spark plugs at them. Unfortunately, he didn’t have his cellphone with him or he would have instead just called for some gator aid.

An Australian fisherman says he fought off crocodiles circling his capsized boat by throwing tools and spark plugs at them. Who knew that reptile protection was also a service offered by Mr. Goodwrench?

Researchers say April was the twelfth straight month of record global temperatures. The worst part was getting their twelfth straight card addressed from Al Gore saying “I told you so.”

Donald Trump is set to meet with Henry Kissinger over foreign policy. Apparently Kissinger will update him on the latest strategy he should employ to deal with the Soviet Union and the latest covert missions in Cambodia.

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. To which the U.S. is asking how can they even tell?

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. The only question is what happened there since 1953 that makes the country any different than it was in the 12th century?

Iran wants the U.S. to pay for 63 years of “spiritual and material” damage. To which Congress is asking if they want cash or will take a check for the $15.75?

A report says airlines expect a record number of passengers over the summer. Mostly because of all the people who booked flights in the spring but are still waiting to get through the TSA security lines.

Danish researchers are being criticized for releasing personal data they were studying on dating site OKCupid. Members of the site were concerned about possible ID theft, privacy invasion and mostly that their wives will find out.

Danish researchers are being criticized for releasing personal data they were studying on dating site OKCupid. Other researchers say the study is already in doubt just because it is based on information that people put on their dating site profiles.

Donald Trump says his business has been flourishing since his presidential run. Mostly because he is too busy campaigning to be in charge like with the other ventures he ran into the ground.

A study says that auto title loans charge as much as 300% interest, have long repayment times and have a high repossession rate. Which turns out to be pretty much the same experience as buying a new car from Chrysler.

A poll says 42% of Americans feel the U.S. economy is good while two thirds feel their household budget is good. Mostly because their own situation doesn’t look so bad when they compare it to being $18 Trillion in debt.

A study is linking potatoes with high blood pressure. Mostly the people who sit down at the dinner table and yell out “Potatoes again?!”

A poll says the majority of Americans have no will. But then why pay a lawyer to draft up a trust when they lost their house, can’t afford a car and have $22.50 in their retirement account?

A study says a mother’s voice is recognized in less than a second by her children and affects their entire brain. Mostly as a survival response to hide what it is they are doing to keep from being grounded for life.

A Massachusetts man who received the first successful penis transplant in the U.S. says he wants to take the donor’s family out for some doughnuts. To which Caitlyn Jenner says it’s a nice offer but really not necessary.

A Massachusetts man who received the nation’s first successful penis transplant says he wants to take the donor’s family out for doughnuts. The awkward part will be where he uses one of the doughnuts to demonstrate how well his new member is working.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. Which is finally some good news for the people who are working four minimum wage jobs at once trying to make ends meet.

A study says that being overbooked is good for the brain. Which United Airlines says is just another benefit of traveling with them after they already sold your seat and having to figure out how to make last minute reservations with another airline.

A North Carolina school district is considering banning skinny jeans. Which is going to be an inconvenience for the three people in North Carolina who are actually able to fit into a pair of skinny jeans.

Mets pitcher Bartolo Colon is being sued for failing to pay child support. Although apparently the 285 pound hurler has no problem paying off his monthly bill over at Krispy Kreme.

The University of Alabama has offered a football scholarship to an eighth grader. Which isn’t that unusual considering most eighth graders in Alabama are 17 years old.

Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner is blaming his players and not manager Joe Girardi for the team’s slow start. Which means Girardi has about another two weeks before he cleans out his locker.

Marco Rubio is suggesting a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol Statuary Hall to represent Florida. At first he suggested Jameis Winston until he was told it was “statuary” and not “statutory.”

Marco Rubio is suggesting a statue of Tim Tebow be placed in the U.S. Capitol Statuary Hall to represent Florida. Mostly because he could have entered the state’s primary election and gotten more votes than Rubio or Jeb Bush did their entire campaigns.

Tiger pitcher Justin Verlander notched his 2,000th career strikeout. Although that has nothing on his most impressive statistic of being the only one who was able to avoid striking out when it came to going out with Kate Upton.

Netflix has launched Fast.com, a site that tests Internet speed. Which isn’t necessary for people who have AOL and find it takes less time to binge watch their favorite shows by just sitting on the couch for an entire week and wait for the next episode to air on TV.

A study says information that is gleaned from calls and texts can reveal a large amount of personal data. Especially if the calls and texts are all coming from the phone of Anthony Weiner.

The CEO of Gap says he would like to be able to sell merchandise through Amazon.com. Although the way sales have been going at the retailer lately, he might start trying to unload it on eBay.

San Jose has been rated as the best city for jobs. Mostly because even though most the people there make minimum wage, the fact that Mark Zuckerberg, Sergei Brin and Larry Page live in the area drives the average wage for everyone up to $150,000 a year.

A new dinosaur species has reportedly been found in the American southwest. It is the first prehistoric specimen to be discovered in that part of the country since the first Senate term of John McCain.

Google has filed for a patent for a type of glue that would stick pedestrians hit by self-driving cars to the hood. Which would also make for a faster and more convenient method to pick up and give a ride to hitchhikers.

Donald Trump is helping Chris Christie pay off legal and campaign bills by appearing at a fundraising dinner. Although to make sure that some money is actually left over from the event featuring Christie, it won’t be buffet style.

Donald Trump has tapped longtime Washington, D.C. operative A.B. Culvahouse, Jr. to lead his search for a vice presidential candidate. He is the person who helped John McCain select Sarah Palin in 2008. What’s next, having his official campaign web page designed by the team that came up with the Obamacare site?

The congressional Benghazi panel says it may deliver its final report either right before the political conventions or the general election. And if those don’t work then they will just keep going right through the end of Hillary Clinton’s second term as President.

North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory says that Congress should step in on the transgender bathroom controversy overtaking his state. The only problem is the last time Congress got involved in a bathroom issue, it was over Larry Craig’s wide stance.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! There is still time to donate to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk which was last week, but the need for money is year round. The Foundation has one of the lowest overheads of any charity, meaning most the money donated goes for research to help find a cure for the illness. It would be a great way to show your appreciation for the jokes I supply for free every day. And I will continue to write the jokes anyway, so don’t be concerned that a donation will only encourage me. Just click on the picture of me with my wife Karen who was taken from us by Cystic Fibrosis just five years ago. It would mean a lot to me, and would be a nice way of showing everyone fighting the illness that you really are sending the love!

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