Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Central banks around the world have dumped $123 Billion in U.S. debt already this year. Which will be an inconvenience for the U.S. Treasury which will have to stay open a few extra nights this week printing up that much extra money to make up for it.

Central banks around the world have dumped $123 Billion in U.S. debt already this year. If someone else doesn’t pick it up, the government may have to shut down for the three hours it costs that much to run it.

A study by British doctors says that people’s thoughts continue after their heart stops. Mostly hoping that it doesn’t get started up again so that someone else gets stuck paying off the medical bill.

A newlywed Saudi husband divorced his wife after the ceremony because she was too busy texting her friends to have sex on their wedding night. Even Britney Spears is saying that they should wait at least 55 hours before making such a final decision.

A newlywed Saudi husband divorced his wife after the ceremony because she was too busy texting her friends to have sex on their wedding night. Even Anthony Weiner is asking what kind of texting could be so bad that it could break up a marriage?

Casinos in Macao are experimenting with robotic dealers and croupiers as business continues to drop. Now if they could only figure out a way to get robotic players who aren’t interested in getting back in the buffet line every 15 minutes.

A Virginia high school student set world’s record by doing more than 7,300 pull-ups in 24 hours. Which was confusing to most teenagers who think of “pull-ups” as what boys have to do when their baggy pants fall down around their ankles.

A North Carolina man was bitten by a copperhead snake in the lawn and garden department at a Lowe’s store. The good news is the store sold out of its Astroturf lawn supply as people figured it must look pretty realistic to even fool the snake.

A study says that magic mushrooms can be used to help people suffering depression. Especially when taking them not only helps them forget their issues, but who they even are.

A Colorado woman is being accused of taking two children she was babysitting with her to rob a bank. Her excuse was that it would have been irresponsible to leave them at home unattended.

A Colorado woman is being accused of taking two children she was babysitting with her to rob a bank. She says if she had to do it over she would have thought more of the kids and instead robbed a Chuck E. Cheese.

Chicago airports are telling travelers that to get through security checks in time for their flights they should arrive three hours early. The good news is that flyers have to check out of their rooms so early to get there they save paying the last night of their hotel stay.

Maine set a record with four inches of snowfall in May earlier this week. They usually have at least eight inches on the ground right before Memorial Day.

“Miracle On Ice” goaltender Jim Craig is selling his Olympic gold medal along with other memorabilia. Which answers the question “Do you believe in living out your golden years debt free while trying to pay off your kids’ college tuition loans? Yes!”

A British bookmaker says there is a 73% chance the UK will vote next month to stay in the European Union. The other 27% are saying they want the choice to stay in the EU but lose the Royal Family.

A Burger King restaurant in Finland is opening an in-store spa. Apparently the people there want more than their burgers to be flame broiled.

A Burger King restaurant in Finland is opening an in-store spa. Although most people say eating lunch next to a fat, naked guy is not having it their way.

The International Space Station has orbited the Earth for the 100,000th time. Although the Soviet cosmonauts are getting a little tired of the 15 times a day the American astronauts look out the window and yell out “Hey, I think I can see my house from here!”

A study by ABC says that TV ads are more effective than digital. Mostly because people who are online don’t have the attention span to sit through the commercials that are played before their favorite cat videos.

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. They are appealing to a higher class of customer by placing copies of the Wall Street Journal for people to read for the three hours they spend in the restroom following their meal.

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. The chain is trying to compete with other fast casual locations. But then what is more fast and casual than eating a Chalupa and feeling overdressed because you are still in your jammies?

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. They are trying to compete with other fast casual locations like Chipotle. The only problem so far is trying to duplicate a salsa that is unmistakably bursting with the taste of E.coli.

Taco Bell is going for an upscale look at some of their restaurants. Just like the McDonald’s that have servers in tuxedos who are standing by to operate the defibrillators.

Vintners in Minnesota and Wisconsin saw huge swaths of grapes ruined by the weekend cold snap. Fortunately, the weather spared the farmers who stayed with the more traditional regional crop of tundra.

American Airlines says it will no longer make gate announcements towards the end of their flights. They are following the lead of United that stopped the announcements because after arriving three hours late it wasn’t like anyone was going to make a connecting flight anyways.

A report says that college graduates are facing the best job market in years. Meaning in order to make a living and pay off all their loans, they will only have to work four jobs simultaneously for the next 40 years.

A report says that college graduates are facing the best job market in years. No one had any idea there were that many new locations of 7-Eleven, GoMart and Speedway.

A study says that dads’ age and lifestyle play a bigger role in a baby’s health than was previously thought. Which means the children of Michael Douglas and Charlie Sheen should spend their teen years making sure they have their affairs in order.

A study says that married people are less likely to have a drinking problem than those who are single. Mostly because the married people who do develop a drinking problem find it doesn’t take long before they are single again.

A study says that married people are less likely to have a drinking problem than those who are single. Which is ironic, especially for the people who got married so they wouldn’t have to drink alone anymore.

A study says that genetically modified crops present no risk to human health. Which is good news for the three Americans who still eat fruits and vegetables of any kind.

A study says that genetically modified crops present no risk to human health. Mostly because Americans have already seen their bodies genetically modified from skipping vegetables and eating fast food.

A study says that 30% of female physicians say they were sexually harassed. That doesn’t even include the ones who when they were 8 years old had all the neighborhood boys asking if they wanted to play “doctor.”

A London anthropologist says that humans’ monogamous culture dates back 1,000 years. To which most men when they hear that say isn’t it time to take a little break?

A study says that UK teens and toddlers are at a greater risk of poisoning than was realized. Especially the ones who are able to open the refrigerator and start eating leftovers before they realize it is last night’s haggis.

A study says that half of all heart attack victims in the U.S. didn’t know they had one. Apparently they mistook the symptoms of sweating and chest pains were just the excitement they felt before tearing into their daily breakfast of Krispy Kreme donuts.

Khloe Kardashian says it was tough to separate from her husband Lamar Odom as she doesn’t believe in divorce, and that she follows the Christian beliefs of her late father Robert Kardashian. Who interestingly enough was the lawyer for O.J. Simpson who also found a way to end a marriage without divorce.

Khloe Kardashian says it was tough to separate from her husband Lamar Odom as she doesn’t believe in divorce. Although it’s easy for someone to change their mind about that when their spouse ends up overdosing on drugs on a weekend stay at a brothel.

Ben Affleck’s new movie “The Accountant” is about a math genius who ends up on the wrong side of the law. Which apparently is based on the true life story of the tax preparer who is still in hiding along with Donald Trump’s federal returns.

Atlanta Braves Manager Fredi Gonzalez says he found out he was fired when he got an e-mail for a flight home in the middle of a road trip. He says it wasn’t the fact he was being sent home early that tipped him off, but the fact the trip was booked on United.

Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra says he used to put HGH on his morning cereal. Which explains why he was always so cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra says he used to put HGH on his morning cereal. Which changed the makeup of his Lucky Charms to “yellow moons, green clovers, pink hypodermic needles.”

Former baseball star Lenny Dykstra says he used to put HGH on his morning cereal. In fact, before he started adding them to his Frosted Flakes, Tony the Tiger was still just a tabby cat.

Kobe Bryant’s new shoes from Nike are called “The Black Mamba.” Not to say that Kobe is getting a little old, but the shoes come with inserts designed by Dr. Scholl.

Google has filed for a patent for protecting pedestrians from self-driving cars with an adhesive that makes them stick to the hood of the car. Which will make it awkward when someone hits a nun crossing the street and everyone wonders what kind of car has a penguin for a hood ornament.

Google has filed for a patent for protecting pedestrians from self-driving cars with an adhesive that makes them stick to the hood of the car. Which in southern California would make for a great trophy to bag something as rare as an L.A. pedestrian.

A survey says that eighth grade girls beat boys in tech and engineering literacy tests. Educators were surprised. There are students who stay in school until the eighth grade?

Iraq has been blocking the Internet periodically to stop widespread cheating on school exams. Which means if they were going to try that in the U.S. there would be no online access from September through May.

Iraq has been blocking the Internet periodically to stop widespread cheating on school exams. Mostly because it is easier to do that than go around to the kids texting answers back and forth and chop off all their fingers.

Iraq has been blocking the Internet periodically to stop widespread cheating on school exams. Apparently the students were going online instead of using their own knowledge when it came to ways to show they could improvise a suicide bomb.

Donald Trump told Megyn Kelly that the term “bimbo” isn’t bad and suggested she has been “called a lot worse.” Although probably never anything as insulting and degrading as “Mrs. Donald Trump.”

A report says Bill Clinton made $5 Million in speaking fees last year. He has found that his ability to speak has made him rich and famous beyond his wildest dreams, just as long as he remembers to not make any of his comments while under oath.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Again I am going to say thanks to the people who donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strikes Walk last week. I am still asking all of the other readers to try to dig up a few dollars and also contribute to a great charity. It’s tax deductible and your money will go to help find a cure for the illness that takes way too many young people. Just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen who was taken from us by CF just five years ago. It will take you right to the site and the rest is easy. There is no easier and more satisfying way of showing that you really are sending the love!

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