Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Long security lines at airports have caused thousands of passengers to miss their flights, to which DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson says it’s because their job is to “keep Americans safe.” Mostly by making it take as long as possible before they let people through the lines and into the hands of the airlines.

Donald Trump says little is off limits as he plans a full attack on Hillary Clinton’s character. Apparently his attitude is why should he treat her like any other woman in his life?

NASA is planning on developing “hibernation” chambers where people would sleep up to 14 straight days on long space flights. To make sure they stay asleep, the chambers will come with movie screens that constantly play a series of Ben Affleck films.

A report says that constantly using smartphones and laptops is making some people hunchbacked. The good news is that there are plenty of applicants every time a church puts out a help wanted ad for a bellringer.

A study says that students who use laptops and tablets in class perform worse on tests. Mostly because they are the ones who haven’t learned yet how to hide using a smartphone or smartwatch to cheat while taking the tests.

A study says that students who use laptops and tablets in class perform worse on tests. Mostly because unlike in class, the tests aren’t about making it to level eight of “Assassin’s Creed.”

A proposed skyscraper in London is going to be made from wood. If that is a new trend, instead of searching for bombs international terrorists will have to be checked out to see if they are carrying any termites.

A 116 year old Italian woman who is now the world’s oldest person says the secret to her longevity is staying single. Although she says she hasn’t had much luck on Match.com, even though admitting she lied and posted her age as only 110.

A 116 year old Italian woman who is now the world’s oldest person says the secret to her longevity is staying single. Although she says she has gotten a few recent phone calls and offers to go out on a dinner date with Larry Fortensky.

A study says that going to church could help people live longer lives. At least for the men as long as their wives never find out what they are admitting to when they are in the confessional.

A court has ordered a town in Mississippi to desegregate their schools. Apparently local school board members never got that memo that was sent out to everyone else back in 1962.

A court has ordered a town in Mississippi to desegregate their schools. Local school board members wold have done it in 1954 but were just making sure there were not going to be any last minute challenges to Brown v. Board of Education.

Sinead O’Connor was found in Chicago after being reported missing for more than a day. People were surprised. The last they had ever heard from her was sometime back in 1993.

New doggy meds are available for noise related anxiety. As opposed to the noise anxiety their owners experience when they hear their girlfriend’s husband coming home early.

Police in Colombia made a drug bust that netted them eight tons of cocaine. In a related story, the Coachella Music Festival has been put on hiatus for at least the next three years.

Goldman Sachs is offering savings accounts to people with as little as $1 to start that will pay 1.05% interest. Which is great news for the people who are paying off a college loan with a minimum wage job who will now be able to retire at age 97 instead of 98.

Goldman Sachs is offering savings accounts to people with as little as $1 to start that will pay 1.05% interest. The only problem is the people who don’t even have a dollar to their name after losing everything in the 2008 recession caused by Goldman Sachs.

Hillary Clinton says she will put Bill Clinton in charge of fixing the economy. His first plan is to save the White House millions of dollars in operating expenses by replacing all the salaried workers with interns.

A teacher who lost weight on a McDonald’s fad diet is no longer visiting schools to give lectures about fast food. Remember the days when kids would put an apple on their teacher’s desk instead of a Big Mac?

Nike released a report saying most of its employees aren’t white. There is also a good mix of male and female workers, meaning that the shoes their customers are wearing have an equal chance of being made by a six year old Asian boy or girl.

A report says that Saudi Arabia owns $117 Billion of the U.S. debt. Apparently that means the other $17.9 Trillion we owe is to China for all the cheap crap they keep putting on the shelves in our stores.

A poll says the economy continues to rank as the top problem for most Americans. Which is good news in that at least it keeps our minds off the problems the country has with drugs, education and terrorism.

A report says that half of Americans say they are cutting back on their Internet use because of the fear of ID theft, hacking and privacy concerns. Not to mention losing half of what they own if their wives ever find out what they are doing online.

Donald Trump says he expects a “difficult relationship” with UK Prime Minister David Cameron. Why should foreign leaders expect anything different from Trump than the way he treats other politicians here?

Donald Trump says he expects a “difficult relationship” with UK Prime Minister David Cameron. Although he expects things will be different once he is elected and sends in the first wave of bombers over England.

Goldman Sachs is predicting the price of oil will reach $50 this year. Mostly because demand is back up, production is down and oil company executives are shopping for their new summer vacation homes.

A study says that nearly half of the heart attacks in the U.S. are “silent,” where the victim didn’t even realize it. Especially the ones who have a second heart attack while they are still in the hospital and are given their doctor’s bill for the first.

Experts say doctors should be more proactive in discussing gun safety with their patients. Especially the ones who want to make sure their patients aren’t armed when they give them their latest bill.

The Australian Olympic team says it will combat the Zika virus by giving its members anti-viral condoms. Remember when Olympians were only interested in wrapping themselves in their country’s flag?

The Australian Olympic team says it will combat the Zika virus by giving its members anti-viral condoms. And who better to lead the effort to stop the spread of a sexually transmitted disease than the athletes from Down Under.

A study says apps that promise to calculate women’s fertile days are often inaccurate. As opposed to the old method of determining when they are most likely to get pregnant, right after they went bar hopping and can’t remember what happened the night before.

The first penis transplant was performed in the U.S. The only problem is that the recipient found out all the potential donors were the ones who made the short list.

The first penis transplant was performed in the U.S. The good news is that if the recipient ever has trouble in bed, he can always blame it on the guy he got it from.

Researchers say the ability to smell food gets weaker as people age. Which is why there always seem to be so many elderly people on those group tours of England.

Researchers say the ability to smell food gets weaker as people age. Which is no surprise, considering how the elderly are the only ones who don’t notice the odor that is always around their house.

A report says that parents often keep opioids that were prescribed to their children, even after they are over their illness. Mostly so they can take the drugs themselves once their kids are back to their usual behavior.

Medical marijuana has been legalized in Australia. Which makes the new catch phrase around the country “Put another pizza, some Oreos and Doritos on the barbee.”

A poll says a majority of Americans support a federally funded healthcare system. Which means the architects of Obamacare were brilliant in making the system so bad that people would want a federal health program like they planned all along.

A study says car windows do nothing to protect people inside the cars from harmful solar rays. The good news is when people’s fingers get so sunburned they can’t use them to text while driving.

The Philadelphia 76ers are the first team in the NBA to sell a jersey advertisement, to StubHub. Apparently the ticket agency is hoping that people at 76ers games will use the number to call for tickets to sporting events that are actually worth watching.

The Atlanta Falcons will be cutting food and drink prices at their new Mercedes-Benz Stadium opening next year. Not only that, but vendors at the stadium named after a luxury car will also serve all their hot dogs with Grey Poupon mustard.

The Atlanta Falcons will be cutting food and drink prices at their new Mercedes-Benz Stadium opening next year. Not to be outdone, Yankee Stadium announced they will follow suit and offer a hot dog and beer for a one time low price of $175.

Tim Duncan was noncommittal about his future after the San Antonio Spurs were knocked out of the playoffs. Mostly because at his age he only plans what he will have for breakfast after he wakes up and sees he has made it to another day.

The government says it will open a bureau to look at personal social networking records before hiring job applicants. Apparently it is a matter of national security to see what potential hires are eating for lunch and how many cat videos they have posted.

A report says the TSA lost more than 4,500 employees and hired only 373 in 2014. Those were probably the ones who could only take so much of having to be subjected to watching hundreds of passengers go through the naked body scanner every day.

Researchers say there is a 9% chance of a direct hit by a tsunami on Hawaii in the next 50 years. The 91% chance of no giant waves will depend on whether or not Chris Christie ever shows up asking to try some cliff diving.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus says that “diversity is important” when picking a vice presidential candidate for Donald Trump. That favors a running mate who is different than Trump, meaning someone who is not necessarily white, male or completely insane.

The CIA claims it “mistakenly” destroyed a 6,700 page report of a Senate investigation of torture. Agency director John Brennan says it was his fault for leaving a 6,700 page report out to where his dog could eat it.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks again to all of you who donated to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk last week. We have a new donor, Carol Melton who generously gave to the cause, earning my extreme appreciation. It is still not too late, all you have to do is click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen and it will take you right to the site where you can give any amount you like. It is the best way any of you can make the effort to really send the love!

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