Sunday, May 15, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Venezuelan President Nicola Maduro has declared a 60 day state of emergency, claiming the U.S. is trying to topple his government. He doesn’t realize U.S. voters are too busy working on toppling their own government by electing Donald Trump President.

Venezuelan President Nicola Maduro has declared a 60 day state of emergency, claiming the U.S. is trying to topple his government. The question is how much worse can things be in Venezuela in the next 60 days than they’ve been the past 60 years?

A report says that Mark Zuckerberg’s total wealth spread out works to him earning $4.4 Million every day of his life. Which means when he was 10, that must have been one impressive lemonade stand and paper route he was running.

A high school pitcher in Cleveland struck out every opposing batter in a perfect game. Major league scouts say they have never seen that many whiffs from one pitcher other than the guy who throws batting practice for the Atlanta Braves.

NBC has canceled five shows to clear the way for the new season. The only question is what were the guidelines they used to keep the rest of their primetime lineup on the air?

NBC has canceled five shows to clear the way for the new season. The question is how low was the viewership for those shows if CBS had high enough ratings to renew “Two Broke Girls”?

A report says Millennials are not in love with buying diamonds. Mostly because the industry standard for an engagement ring is two months’ salary, which at minimum wage means putting a down payment on a piece of coal and waiting two billion years.

A report says Millennials are not in love with buying diamonds. Mostly because it’s hard for someone to buy anything else on time when they will be living in their parents’ basement until they are 60 trying to pay off their college loans.

Texas Republicans have struck a resolution from their platform to secede from the U.S. Apparently they are going to be like the other 49 states and wait on that decision until Donald Trump is elected President.

Texas Republicans have struck a resolution from their platform to secede from the U.S. Apparently the tipping point will be when the federal government orders them to install transgender bathrooms at the Alamo.

Susan Mushatt Jones, the world’s oldest person has died in New York at age 116. It takes real dedication to have a goal that takes so long to achieve and usually only lasts a few weeks.

Former CIA head Michael Hayden says the agency works off an equation of risk= threat x vulnerability x consequence. In other words, the CIA knows their workload is about to double the day Donald Trump is elected President.

Former CIA head Michael Hayden says the agency works off an equation of risk= threat x vulnerability x consequence. Or as most Americans know that, the formula for trying to get through the TSA airport security check and onto their plane.

Donald Trump is denying he posed as a publicist in 1991 to brag about himself. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would Trump ever need to hire someone else to do what he does best?

A study says that most road rage incidents happen around 6:00 pm on Friday. Especially in Los Angeles, where people tend to get a little testy on the freeway around that time after not moving from the same spot since 10:00 am on Wednesday.

Puerto Rico is trying to ease tourism concerns about the Zika virus there. They are trying to divert their fears by telling them it could be worse. Like the fact they are now stuck on a bankrupt island with money that is pretty much worthless.

Joe’s Crab Shack is ditching its no tipping policy after customer complaints. Apparently with no chance of getting tipped, the only crabs that people ever saw at their tables were the wait staff.

Joe’s Crab Shack is ditching its no tipping policy after customer complaints. Apparently most people feel if they wanted to have seafood served with an attitude, they would have ordered a Filet-O-Fish sandwich at McDonald’s.

A report says that one third of Americans who visited the hospital received a surprise medical bill. Mostly the one that says “Surprise! We now own your home.”

A report says that one third of Americans who visited the hospital received a surprise medical bill. The families of the other two thirds were surprised by instead getting their final bill from the mortician.

GM has stopped selling some SUVs because the mileage estimates were overstated. Especially the ones that gave the impression that a full tank would be enough to get them to the next gas station.

GM has stopped selling some SUVs because the mileage estimates were overstated. The carmaker wanted to make sure people knew if they had enough gas to make it back to the dealership when they sent out their next recall.
 

A study says that college graduates are not avoiding buying homes. In fact, they are fine with the idea that paying off their college tuition loans and taking out a mortgage will  postpone their retirement plans until they are 97.

Kellogg’s has launched Orange Crush and A&W Root Beer flavored Pop-Tarts. Because what better way to get kids off to a good start than with the idea that a nutritious breakfast begins by combining pastries with soft drinks?

Subaru is warning some car owners to stop driving their vehicles as they may be at risk for steering failure. Which is the opposite problem over at Fiat Chrysler where their cars get into trouble when the owners are actually able to steer them out onto the highway.

A survey says 3 out of 10 U.S. workers see themselves working past the retirement age of 67. The other 7 are waiting on making that decision until they are actually able to find a job.

A survey says 3 out of 10 U.S. workers see themselves working past the retirement age of 67. The other 7 are already in their 80s and don’t see any changes in that scenario for another 10 years.

A survey says 3 out of 10 U.S. workers see themselves working past the retirement age of 67. Which is incredibly optimistic for those people in thinking they will be able to find any work once they even reach 50.

The FDA is warning that sweetener used in chewing gum could be deadly for dogs. Now if they would only be as diligent for the 2 Million people who have serious reactions every year to drugs that the FDA has approved for use by humans.

A study says there is a link people with high blood pressure who drink alcohol and heart damage. Especially the people who watch the evening news and the financial channels and then develop both high blood pressure and a drinking problem.

Dartmouth football coach Buddy Teevens says tackle free practices lead to a reduced number of concussions. Although it’s easy to have a winning record while not practicing tackling when your schedule includes Harvard, Princeton and Yale.

Dartmouth football coach Buddy Teevens says tackle free practices lead to a reduced number of concussions. Reducing concussions through no tackling is great news for all the NFL teams who are scheduled to play against the Oakland Raiders at least once.

A survey says 8 in 10 people who abused prescription drugs say they did so to treat pain. Mostly the pain they developed from having to work another two full time jobs to pay off their monthly pharmacy bill.

Ozzy Osbourne says his wife Sharon is still the boss. Mostly because she is the one who still in control of the key to the medicine cabinet.

An expert says Woody Allen’s career won’t be affected by assault claims by his children. Mostly because his career has pretty much been stagnant since 1993.

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank says before he can approve the Raiders moving to Las Vegas, he needs to be shown proof the city can support a team. The best evidence is that the city generates enough business to keep Circus Circus open.

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank says about the Raiders possibly moving to Las Vegas and its gambling that “we’d have to build a wall around the football operations and the franchise itself.” Which has to be taken as yet another endorsement for Donald Trump for President.

Some pottery that was appraised on “Antiques Roadshow” for $50,000 was found out to be a high school art project from the 1970s. Which is still not as bad as when the Mona Lisa was discovered stuck to the refrigerator door in the artists’ lounge at the Louvre.

Students at the University of California say Google harvested data by scanning their accounts without permission. Apparently Google thinks they can make some money from the students once they finish paying off the college loans in another 45 years.

An analysis says that CNBC host Jim Cramer’s advice doesn’t beat the market. Although all anyone has to do to beat the market from here on out is to wait until Donald Trump is elected President and say “Sell everything now!”

A new governing body for esports has been launched called WESA. The association will govern video game tournaments providing players an environment promoting maximum performance including pizza, plenty of energy drinks and a properly cushioned sofa.

The New York Times says that Donald Trump has a history of behavior with women that includes unwelcome romantic advances, rude comments and unsettling workplace conduct. It’s so bad that if Trump is elected President, White House workers will be represented by the Laborer’s International Union.

Las Vegas casino tycoon Sheldon Adelson says he will donate $100 Million to support Donald Trump’s presidential campaign. Which is ironic for someone who made his fortune collecting from people who put their money down with much better odds.

Missouri lawmakers have voted to dramatically expand the state’s gun rights. Apparently it is a budget maneuver in letting everyone carry a gun will do away with the need for police and judges and only require hiring more coroners.

A House panel is considering whether to impeach the head of the IRS for ignoring a subpoena and lying under oath. People were shocked. They thought impeachment was only done when oral sex was involved.

President Obama hosted a dinner with Nordic leaders and celebrities. People were optimistic when they heard a bunch of white people were invited to the White House as they thought President Obama was trying to make nice with members of Congress.

DHS Secretary Jeh Johnson says he has a ten point plan to get TSA security lines at airports moving faster. Leave it to the government to think plan with ten steps to it is going to speed up anything.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was a successful event at the Great Strides Walk on Saturday. The local group reportedly raised more than $60,000! Special thanks to Marv Kaminsky, Dawn Warfield, Rick Foster and Catherine Bostic who gave generous donations even though I really didn’t get involved until the last minute. For those of you who like the blog and wouldn’t mind chipping in a few dollars, it isn’t too late. Just click on the picture of me and my late wife Karen and give whatever you can to help stamp out this affliction. Thanks in advance and to all of the above named who made the effort to really send the love!

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