Friday, May 13, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Psychiatrists looked at 400 films and determined the most realistic psychopath was Javier Bardem’s character in “No Country For Old Men.” They would have picked Mel Gibson until they realized he wasn’t acting.

Joe Biden says he wanted Elizabeth Warren to be his running mate if he entered the presidential race. To which even Ted Cruz is asking why he’s announcing a running mate at this point?

A report says that 6,549 postal workers were attacked by dogs last year. To which mail carriers are saying they had less of a chance to be injured on the job back in the days when all they had to worry about was a coworker going on a shooting spree.

A report says that 6,549 postal workers were attacked by dogs last year. To which workers are asking how they should be expected to be fast enough to outrun a dog when they are delivering mail that was sent in 2007.

A new emotion detector app can reportedly tell if there is love involved on a first date. The sad part is that the three little words a person wants to hear from someone they are interested in these days are “I swiped right.”

Jodie Foster’s financial thriller “Money Monster” is expected to have a poor opening weekend. The film is about a TV financial personality who is held hostage by a viewer who has lost money from his advice. The question is why pay money for that when you can just tune in for free to watch Jim Cramer?

A study says watching Internet porn makes people more religious. Mostly the men who keep praying their wives don’t walk in on them.

A study says watching Internet porn makes people more religious. Especially young boys who figure there is no difference between that and being taken under the wing by some Catholic priests.

Climbers have summited Mt. Everest for the first time in two years. The delay in reaching the peak is being blamed on avalanches, superstitious guides and that even mountain climbers have been slowed down now that marijuana has been legalized.

A study says four out of five city dwellers live in overpolluted urban areas. To which those people are saying that’s the risk you take in wanting to be where there are six available Starbucks on every city block.

McDonald’s is testing using fresh beef hamburger patties in 14 Dallas area restaurants. People were surprised at the news. McDonald’s patties are made of beef?

A study says the U.S. middle class is shrinking in metropolitan areas. Which is no real news since the middle class pretty much relocated to the suburbs back in 1965.

A study says the U.S. middle class is shrinking in metropolitan areas. People were surprised at the news. We still have a middle class?

A study says the U.S. middle class is shrinking in metropolitan areas. Although the definition of “middle class” has changed. It now means someone who has managed to qualify at the same time for unemployment, disability and Social Security benefits.

Economists are in disagreement with voters who say the U.S. is worse off today than it was in the 1960s. Mostly because economists have it pretty good today as there is all kinds of work available to try to get us out of this depression.

A study says it is more beneficial to embrace a wide variety of healthier behaviors at once. Which means it is probably a good idea before going out for a morning run to put out the cigarette and leave the Tequila bottle in the liquor cabinet.

A study says it is more beneficial to embrace a wide variety of healthier behaviors at once. Mostly because giving up smoking weed in the morning makes for a much better chance of ending up at the gym instead of the pizzeria.

Doctors in Ireland surgically removed a cellphone that a man had swallowed. Wouldn’t you know the app for removing a phone from the digestive tract was the one he forgot to download.

Doctors in Ireland surgically removed a cellphone that a man had swallowed. You know it’s bad when the other Irishmen are saying “Seamus, we think you might need to slow down a bit on the drinking.”

Doctors in Ireland surgically removed a cellphone that a man had swallowed. Although he said it was still a more pleasant experience than eating haggis.

A study says even mild football head hits can harm a player’s vision. Which is now being used as an excuse by Tom Brady as to why he couldn’t see the settings clearly on the air gauge he was using.

A Canadian public health professor says the Olympic Games in Rio should be moved or postponed to prevent a “global Zika catastrophe.” Olympic officials nixed the idea, saying it could take months to relocate the Games just for the initial bribing process.

A Canadian public health professor says the Olympic Games in Rio should be moved or postponed to prevent a “global Zika catastrophe.” One disaster was already avoided when it was agreed that Michael Phelps would have his own driver available 24/7.

Cameron Diaz has written a book with pointers on how to age well. The best advice is to be born extremely beautiful and get into a career that brings incredible wealth and fame.

Cameron Diaz has written a book with pointers on how to age well. For men, the secret to staying young is somehow ending up with someone who looks like Cameron Diaz.

Doctors in China have removed a seven inch tree branch from a man’s eye. When they asked him if he wanted it taken out, his answer was “Wood eye!”

Doctors in China have removed a seven inch tree branch from a man’s eye. The procedure was even done for free because the doctors felt he looked like such a sap.

A study says that stroke hospitalization is down 18.4% in the past decade in the U.S. Mostly because 18.4% of the people have lost their jobs in the past ten years and don’t have any insurance to pay for a hospital visit.

Three doctors in Pennsylvania are being accused of illegally selling $5 Million worth of prescription drugs. They are all being charged with impersonating a pharmaceutical company.

A study says depression persists in caregivers of the seriously ill for up to a year after their loved one’s hospital stay is over. Mostly because that year is pretty much spent trying to figure out how to pay for all the hospital bills that keep pouring in.

Researchers say they have come up with a method to help people forget bad memories. They are already getting people lining up around the block to find out how, almost all of whom show up wearing some sort of Cubs apparel.

Researchers say they have come up with a method to help people forget bad memories. The bad news is that if it works, it could end up shutting down pretty much every bar in the country.

A survey says that Americans want prescription drug ads taken off TV. Which is no surprise since most people would love it if all the ads on TV just disappeared.

A survey says that Americans want prescription drug ads taken off TV. Mostly because they are creeped out to hear the 25 different side effects that the drug they happen to be taking can end up killing them with.

Justin Bieber’s recent bizarre behavior is reportedly concerning some fans. Although looking back at his career, the time for them to start worrying is when he begins acting like a normal young adult.

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly having “sex change regret” over her transformation to a woman. Apparently she has been rethinking the move ever since a recent shopping trip where every dress she tried on made her butt look big.

“America’s Next Top Model” runner-up Eugena Washington has been named Playboy’s “Playmate of the Year.” Which after what has been happening at Playboy is like being named the new CEO of RadioShack.

Kourtney Kardashian posted some sexy pictures taken at a secret photo shoot. Apparently it was kept secret because it was the first time a Kardashian was photographed actually wearing some clothes.

Kourtney Kardashian posted some sexy pictures taken at a secret photo shoot. People were shocked. The Kardashians did something secretly?

George Clooney is vowing “there is not going to be a President Donald Trump.” Although most people would rather reassure them there will never be an “Ocean’s Fourteen.”

Gwyneth Paltrow says she has dealt with a lot of haters since becoming a celebrity lifestyle guru. The only question is what does someone expect when preaching a lifestyle that includes a gift guide with suggestions totaling $107,000?

84 year old Morley Safer is retiring from “60 Minutes” after 46 years, making him the longest serving correspondent. His colleagues are sad to see him leave as it is always tough to see someone go just as they are getting into their prime years.

84 year old Morley Safer is retiring from “60 Minutes” after 46 years, making him the longest serving correspondent. Not to say his colleagues are getting up in their years as well, but when given the news they said “Who?”

NFL star Rob Gronkowski says he believes Tom Brady will play 16 games this year despite his current four game suspension. Which is entirely possible as long as he is willing to accept the starting position for all of the preseason contests.

The ACC says its title game will stay in Charlotte for now despite controversy over the state’s transgender bathroom bill. The only problem is that beer sales will be way down as everyone will be afraid to try to figure out which restroom they should use to pee.

Ravens tackle Eugene Monroe has donated $80,000 for medical pot research about therapies for NFL players. In a related story, Ricky Williams has announced he is coming out of retirement once again.

The number of Americans applying for unemployment benefits is at its highest since February of 2015. Which is good news because it means for the past 15 months there were people who actually had jobs.

Facebook has released 28 pages of documents disputing charges of bias over their selections of “trending topics.” They say their decisions were not political but just in good taste to keep their users from being subjected to any reports about Donald Trump.

Disney is working on robots that will someday be able to mimic the movements of people. Most people were surprised. Those child actors on all the Disney shows are actually human?

Google is seeking testers for its self-driving cars in Arizona. How sad is it when the only job people feel they are qualified for is a human crash test dummy?

100 nude women will greet Donald Trump to the Republican National Convention in July. To which Bill Clinton asked if it was still too late to declare himself a candidate.

Donald Trump’s former butler made a Facebook post calling for President Obama to be killed. The Trump campaign immediately distanced themselves from the servant, saying his only job with Trump was to occasionally take Donald’s hair out for an afternoon walk.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk is tomorrow. There is still plenty of time to donate to the cause of fighting the illness that took my wife five years ago. I don’t ask for much on this site, and I hope those of you who enjoy and use my humor every day for free will take the opportunity to say thanks by sending in whatever you can. Just click on the picture of me with Karen and it will take you right to the site. Thanks in advance. It’s the best way there is to really show you are sending the love!

No comments: