Thursday, May 12, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Emma Watson has been named in the Panama Papers tax avoidance scandal. Which is not to be confused with Willie Nelson, who has had his own tax avoidance problems but the only papers he is closely associated with are Zig Zag.

A group of Senators has asked the airlines to drop baggage fees to make for shorter lines at airports. Which at least pretty much gave everyone at the airlines and in Congress a pretty good laugh.

A group of Senators has asked the airlines to drop baggage fees to make for shorter lines at airports. Which is ironic because if there is anyone who knows what it is like to make for all kinds of gridlock, it is Congress.

A group of Senators has asked the airlines to drop baggage fees to make for shorter lines at airports. To which the airlines are saying passengers have plenty of time to get their cash ready while the TSA makes them take off their shoes, be strip searched and go through the body scanner.

Joe Biden says if he had run, he would have been the “best President.” Which is like being the best Vice President, only you actually something to do at the office.

Justin Bieber says he is done taking pictures with fans. Which means the next time he goes out in public there will be two very disappointed young teenagers.

A study says that hamburgers at restaurants contain human DNA. Which is good to know those fast food workers are literally putting themselves into their work.

A study says that hamburgers at restaurants contain human DNA. And all this time everyone assumed Jimmy Hoffa was used to make hot dogs.

A report says that top hedge fund managers made more money than some nations. Which is misleading since with the U.S. operating at a trillion dollar a year deficit, even people working at minimum wage jobs came out way ahead of the country.

An advocacy group says that poultry workers are forced to wear diapers on the job because the companies won’t allow bathroom breaks. Which means there are more empty boxes of Depends found on the processing line than in the trash bin over at the Supreme Court.

An advocacy group says that poultry workers are forced to wear diapers on the job because the companies won’t allow bathroom breaks. Which means the reason that chickens are given antibiotics is mostly to keep the birds from developing a rash.

FBI Director James Comey says that fewer Americans are traveling abroad to fight with ISIS. Which shows that this whole time the TSA’s strategy for making flying miserable was really to keep people here and fight terrorism.

Oil prices in Nigeria have gone up to ease a fuel shortage there. At least that is the reason given by all the princes who have gotten out of e-mail solicitations and are now running the country’s energy industry.

A report says a record number of families around the world were uprooted from their homes last year. No one had any idea that Countrywide Home Mortgage had decided to go global.

FBI Director James Comey says he is under pressure to do the Clinton e-mail probe well. Apparently he thinks his agency has a chance at doing a good job at least as long as it doesn’t involve trying to figure out how to hack into a cellphone.

FBI Director James Comey says he is under pressure to do the Clinton e-mail probe well. If that works, it may be time to try the same strategy to get some job performance out of the CIA, the IRS and Congress.

An adviser to Donald Trump says he has an unreleased plan that will give the U.S. a $7 Trillion surplus within ten years. Which people familiar with his economic policies say means he is pretty much planning on pulling out of the race.

United Airlines finished low but had improved grades in the annual J.D. Power customer satisfaction survey, scoring 675 out of 1,000 possible points. Which is ironic in that a similar score on the SAT exam would mean skipping college and only being able to find a job with an airline.

United Airlines finished low but had improved grades in the annual J.D. Power customer satisfaction survey, scoring 675 out of 1,000 possible points. Which being given only a 67.5% grade pretty much means the plane didn’t crash.

Injury data shows that bigger vehicles are still the safest. Mostly because they are the only ones most Americans can fit in comfortably enough to even be able to operate the controls and see out the windows.

A study says that taking Tylenol makes people less empathetic to others experiencing pain. As opposed to those using medical marijuana who couldn’t care less about anything other than getting to the nearest pizzeria as soon as possible.

A study says that taking Tylenol makes people less empathetic to others experiencing pain. Mostly because there is nothing as painful as unsuccessfully trying to open a childproof bottle of Tylenol.

Google says it will ban payday loans from its site. Mostly because no one reads them as the people who are using Google the most are people who have nothing better to do than sit at home and look things up because they haven’t had a payday since 2007.

An AT&T poll says one in three Americans would rather cut off a finger than lose Internet access. At least as long as it isn’t their middle finger which they always show AT&T when their Internet service goes out again.

An AT&T poll says one in three Americans would rather cut off a finger than lose Internet access. Someone should tell them they can keep all their digits and not worry about losing Internet service if they would just switch from AT&T.

Saudi Arabia says it is going to invest billions of dollars into Jordan. To which most Americans are asking if they are talking about Michael or Spieth?

Gallup has compiled a 150 page report on how Millennials want to work and live. The only question is why did it take 150 pages to say they want to get something better than their job at 7-Eleven so they can one day move out of their parents’ basement?

Parents are turning to doctors and lawmakers to save recess time at school. Especially the parents whose kids are bullies and find they don’t have enough time to administer wedgies and steal everyone’s lunch money in the break between classes.

A study says that people with a Body Mass Index of 27 are overweight but have the lowest risk of dying early. Mostly because there aren’t any people around who are thinner to be able to get enough information for a study.

A study says that people with a Body Mass Index of 27 are overweight but have the lowest risk of dying early. Which changes the saying to “In the kingdom of the morbidly obese, the moderately fat man lives the longest.”

A study says that exercise helps in keeping a person’s appetite in check. Except when the only exercise they get is walking from the couch to the refrigerator and back.

A study says the obesity rate is the lowest in Hawaii, at 18.5% of the population. Which means that at any time, 18.5% of the people in Hawaii are tourists.

A study says the obesity rate is the lowest in Hawaii, at 18.5% of the population. Mostly because anyone who tries to live in Hawaii finds that after paying rent and taxes, they don’t have anything left to buy any food.

Fox is picking up two TV series based on the movies “Lethal Weapon” and “The Exorcist.” Which is a coincidence in that one movie starred Mel Gibson and the other was about what he’s like away from the set.

Sharon Osbourne on her separation from Ozzy says she “can’t keep living like this.” Which no one even knows what that means coming from someone who has lived with Ozzy Osbourne for 33 years.

LeBron James says the most “valuable” player isn’t necessarily the best. Which Cleveland fans understand as just because someone makes the most money doesn’t mean you want them to have the ball for the last shot.

LeBron James says the most “valuable” player isn’t necessarily the best. Which is another way of saying that as long as Stephen Curry is playing, LeBron knows he is going to have to just be satisfied with the four MVP trophies he already has.

The NBA says officials missed two calls at the end Game 5 in the series between the Spurs and Thunder. The good news is the referees are already 60% better from how they did at the end of Game 2.

WNBA President Lisa Borders says most who have judged the league haven’t watched them play. Which is true in the fact that pretty much everyone has never watched the WNBA.

LeBron James says Stephen Curry deserved winning the MVP award. Which is awfully big of him to actually not try to create a controversy and call into the question the close tally that included a unanimous 131 first place votes.

LeBron James says Stephen Curry deserved winning the MVP award. Although questions are now being raised about the unanimous 131 first place votes, including the Kia MVP fan vote. Some people think that Kia owners confused Curry’s 90-50-40 shooting percentages with estimated highway mileage.

The Angie’s List Grand Prix is set for this weekend in Indianapolis. Not only is Angie’s List the sponsor of the race, they are providing free membership for any pit crews looking for a highly rated auto mechanic.

Nickelodeon’s series featuring Cam Newton will debut in June. The show matches kids with mentors in their fields of interest. The premier pairs Newton with a public relations expert who shows him how to make it through a post Super Bowl news conference.

A report says that by 2040, natural gas and renewable energy sources will provide more than half the world’s electricity. Mostly from the additional wind and solar energy provided by the global warming fueled by burning two centuries’ worth of fossil fuels.

Forbes says Apple is again the world’s most valuable brand at $154.1 Billion. Which after subtracting the “Apple tax” for overpricing actually brings it down to more like $73 Billion.

A government agency says Australia is “not ready” for driverless cars. Which is no surprise from a country that still thinks the greatest action movie ever is “Crocodile Dundee.”

A government agency says Australia is “not ready” for driverless cars. Which is no surprise from a country whose idea of a Sunday drive is the opening scene from “Mad Max.”

Archaeologists in Australia have discovered the world’s oldest axe, dating back 50,000 years. Or as environmentalists are calling the site, ground zero for the beginning of global warming.

Archaeologists in Australia have discovered the world’s oldest axe, dating back 50,000 years. Which finally explains what happened to the Outback.

A 15 year old Canadian boy claims to have found a lost Mayan city from his house using Google Maps. The only question is what was a Google Street View driver doing out in the middle of a remote Mexican jungle?

Senate Republicans are telling Donald Trump to drop the personal insults. Although at this point it seems a little late to completely rewrite his entire campaign strategy.

Senate Republicans are telling Donald Trump to drop the personal insults. Mostly to trim his stump speeches from three hours down to about seven minutes.

A dating site called “Maple Match” pairs up Canadians with Americans who are threatening to leave the U.S. if Donald Trump becomes President. Which would not only make for romance but will also be a nice place to live once the temperature in the tundra warms up to a comfortable level after the thermonuclear war begins.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk is on Saturday, and I would like to enlist your help. My wife Karen died from the illness five years ago, and I am asking you to dig into your pockets to make a donation to help find a cure. Researchers have made incredible advances but they need money to fund their work. The average life expectancy for people with the affliction keeps going up, and every dollar can make that go even higher. If you have a spare $5, $10 or $20 you would like to give to help the cause, just click on the picture of me and Karen and it will take you right to the site. I don’t ask for anything for all the jokes I put on here each day through the year except for this event. Many thanks in advance. It’s the best way yet to truly show you are sending the love!

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