Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Amazon says it will target Youtube with an online video posting service. The bad part is most the submissions will be videos taken of all the Amazon drones crashing while trying to make deliveries.

Researchers say a fifth of the world’s plants are under threat. It will be even worse in the U.S. if Donald Trump becomes President and all the crops die because all the migrant farm workers have been sent back to Mexico.

Researchers say a fifth of the world’s plants are under threat. The study didn’t say why they are in danger but looking at most Americans, it is obvious it isn’t because anyone is eating them.

A 30 year old Siamese in Texas has been named the world’s oldest living cat. Although getting up from its 23 hour nap to eat a bowl of food is the only thing that separates it from any cat that has been dead since 1992.

The TSA is being warned that passengers are at the “breaking point” because of long lines at airport security. Although most passengers are happy to wait in line because it means they aren’t going through a cavity search, taking off their shoes or going through naked body scanners.

The TSA is being warned that passengers are at the “breaking point” because of long lines at airport security. The good news is that it is still better than sitting on the plane on the tarmac for three hours, paying $150 for inflight fees and waiting two days for their luggage to catch up to them.

Senate Republicans want to question Facebook officials about charges they are biased on picking “trending topics.” Because it is important to our political leaders to make sure it isn’t politically motivated when Ozzy Osbourne’s separation is given precedence over Justin Bieber’s new tattoo.

A study says eating junk food can damage a person’s kidneys like diabetes. Mostly because if the person eating the junk food doesn’t have diabetes yet, just give them some time.

An analyst says that plus sized sales could save the retail clothing market. The question is, when have stores ever carried anything else but plus sized clothes on their racks?

A study says that Los Angeles is the top U.S. city for incidents of road rage. Mostly because if someone cuts off another driver, it’s not like they are going anywhere to get away from the person for the next half hour.

The CBO says 1 in 6 men in the U.S. are unemployed or incarcerated. To which the other 5 who are working at minimum wage jobs are saying, “Some guys have all the luck.”

The CBO says 1 in 6 men in the U.S. are unemployed or incarcerated. The numbers of those in jail or out of work are not important as one just always leads right to the other.

A study says the average worker in the UK would have to work 1 Million years to accumulate the wealth of Bill Gates. Although most would really like to just retire and enjoy life after about 750,000.

A sleep expert says taking a 15 minute nap in the afternoon to function at top capacity. It’s also a good way for workers to not let the boss know the real reason for the nap is to sleep off the two beers and Margarita they had for lunch.

A study says that STDs are on the rise because of “swiping right” on Tinder and other online dating sites in general. Which means it was actually a lot safer back in the days when people only used their cellphones to look at Internet porn.

A security guard in Florida accidentally shot himself in the leg while waiting for a job interview. Or as that is called in Florida, “on the job training.”

A woman who was invited to a hotel room in New York City by a man she just met reportedly stole a $35,000 engagement ring. Interestingly enough, the man is using the exact same jeweler as Kobe Bryant.

A poll says that 40% of Baby Boomers stayed with their employer for at least 20 years. The only problem today is finding any businesses that will actually be around for 20 years.

A poll says that 40% of Baby Boomers stayed with their employer for at least 20 years. Which if that holds true for this generation, their Millennial kids will have to get used to two decades of cleaning the Slurpee machine.

Michael Moore says his latest movie will be “seen as prophetic.” In other words, the subject is about the end of his career.

A study says that one third of all manufacturing workers in the U.S. are on some sort of public assistance. People were shocked. There are still manufacturing jobs in the U.S.?

A study says that one third of all manufacturing workers in the U.S. are on some sort of public assistance. The other two thirds are building machines that print all the forms for welfare, unemployment and disability clams.

Budweiser is changing the name of its beer to “America” through election day. Mostly because with Donald Trump running against Hillary Clinton, that will be the substance most people will be using to make their selection in the voting booth.

Budweiser is changing the name of its beer to “America” through election day. Mostly because their beer represents the people who lead this country as it is alcohol-fueled, watered down and full of gas.

Budweiser is changing the name of its beer to “America” through election day. The beer reminds some people of our country’s leaders. Not the actual beer, but what is left behind by Budweiser’s team of Clydesdales.

Twitter says that users trust influencers nearly as much as they do their friends. Which is a tough call. Who is more trustworthy, Kim Kardashian or the people who sit around all day waiting to find out what she has to say next?

A poll says that Millennials consider Canada the top country in the world. The only problem will be when our economy gets even worse and Canada has to build a wall across the border to keep all the American job seekers out.

A study says that meditation may sharpen the memory. Although it’s cheating for the people who use their meditation time to try to remember where they left their car keys.

A study says that obesity may not cut people’s lives short after all. Mostly because even the most morbidly obese people have a much better chance of dying from accidentally shooting themselves, overdosing or texting while driving.

The FDA says it will reevaluate their definition of “healthy” food. Which now pretty much means whatever most Americans aren’t eating.

The FDA says it will reevaluate their definition of “healthy” food. Apparently it has to do with foods that actually contain more nutrients than the package they are sold in.

A former FDA head says that the opioid epidemic is one of the “great mistakes of modern medicine.” In fact, it has been almost as harmful to the American public as the FDA.

A former FDA head says that the opioid epidemic is one of the “great mistakes of modern medicine.” He feels it ranks right up there with the advent of the HMO, the Veterans Administration and Dr. Oz.

New York City has ruled that bartenders can’t refuse to serve alcohol to pregnant women. Which is ironic in that if a bartender had cut them off after having too much to drink, most pregnant women wouldn’t be in that conditions in the first place.

Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” says that men should use the men’s bathroom and women should use the women’s. People were shocked at the statement. The “Duck Dynasty” people have indoor plumbing?

Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne say that divorce is not on the table. Although one of the reasons given for their separation is that Ozzy is always drinking himself under it.

The Mayor of Las Vegas says that the city “will have a team” in the NFL. Most people are hoping it is the Raiders since they will pretty much have a sure thing when they go into the casinos to bet against them.

A report says that CDC labs repeatedly faced secret sanctions for mishandling bioterror germs. In their defense, how are any researchers going to know what the germs are going to do to people until they release them on the public?

A study says that five Pacific islands have vanished entirely. Which is completely embarrassing to the CIA which has been trying to do the same thing with absolutely no luck to Cuba since 1957.

A survey says that 59% of parents say their teens are addicted to mobile devices. The other 41% say they weren’t sure because their kids haven’t been answering their calls or texts for the past three weeks.

A survey says that 59% of parents say their teens are addicted to mobile devices. The other 41% say they can only hope one day they will so they will actually be able to stand being around them.

Groupon is suing IBM for patent infringement. Not only that, Groupon is threatening to print a coupon where they can buy Watson from them at only half price.

A study says the universe probably hosted intelligent life before Earth. The only question is whether the reason we join them in extinction will be from global warming, obesity or electing Donald Trump.

Republican Chairman Reince Priebus says it is embarrassing that Hillary Clinton has been beaten by Bernie Sanders in 20 primaries. Although not quite as much as former presidential frontrunner Jeb Bush ending up with 20 total primary votes.

Hillary Clinton says that families shouldn’t have to spend more than 10% of their income on child care. To which the people of Alabama are saying “Child care?”

Hillary Clinton says that families shouldn’t have to spend more than 10% of their income on child care. Especially for the families who look back to 2007 and realize that 10% of their income is now their income.

A poll says that Americans think less of Donald Trump than they do lice, the DMV and jury duty. Which finally explains why he is doing so well by switching his career to politics.

Ted Cruz returned to the Senate where he hinted at a possible future run for the White House. Why not? The Cubs haven’t given up on trying again for every season since 1908.

Donald Trump says his short list for vice president is down to 5 or 6 people. There is some skepticism around Washington, D.C. There are that many people willing to completely implode their political careers?

Donald Trump says his short list for vice president is down to 5 or 6 people. Apparently it’s hard to find the right mix of racist, homophobe and misogynist who also shares the ability to alienate the rest of the entire free world.

A study says that women who have been cheated on tend to win out in the long run. Which is just more good news about the upcoming presidential election for Hillary Clinton.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is already Wednesday with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk coming up on Saturday. I haven’t given myself much time to ask for donations, so I hope you will find it in your heart and wallet to give a few dollars for the cause. It is the only time I ask for money on this site, and it is all to go to help young people with the affliction have a chance at leading a long and healthy life. If you can give $5, $10, $20 or even more just click on the picture of me with my late wife Karen who died from the illness and give what you can. It is the best way any of you can ever send the love!

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