Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Abercrombie & Fitch says it will add stores in the Middle East. They have already come under criticism there for advertising with nearly naked models. Some of the women in the Middle East catalog actually were photographed exposing part of their arms.

Researchers say that in 500 Million years the Sun’s expansion will make the Earth uninhabitable for humans. To which Al Gore immediately responded with “See, I told you!”

Researchers say that humans could survive a doomsday scenario by eventually being able to upload themselves into machines. The good news is that if you have seen a teenager using a cellphone lately, we’re already about halfway there.

Researchers say one way humans could survive a doomsday scenario is by altering the Earth’s orbit. As fat as we have been getting the past few years, it’s only a matter of time before the planet goes out of control and starts wobbling uncontrollably through the Solar System.

Medical students in Thailand were caught using spy cameras connected with smartwatches to cheat on exams. Apparently they were using the technology for the proper times to prescribe herb tea, meditation and a balanced flow of energy.

Medical students in Thailand were caught using spy cameras connected with smartwatches to cheat on exams. The medical field was surprised. Thai students have access to spy cameras and smartwatches?

Teachers are claiming that parents’ smartphone use is harming their kids’ ability to hold conversations. Which is ironic in that teachers have been trying for years to find a way to stop children from talking in class.

A Florida judge has ruled the state’s new death penalty law unconstitutional as it doesn’t call for a unanimous verdict. Apparently all it needs to be implemented is for one juror to stand up and yell “Kill ’em!”

A Florida judge has ruled the state’s new death penalty law unconstitutional as it doesn’t call for a unanimous verdict. Mostly because Floridians have shown there is no way they can ever figure out any election that just calls for a majority vote.

Charlie Rose was given an honorary degree from the University of the South in Tennessee where he told students to “be crazy, be humble and dream big.” Just like he was crazy to sign with “CBS This Morning,” is humbled by their ratings and has a big dream to be hired at “GMA.”

President Obama has signed a law making the bison the National Mammal. Mostly because this election cycle has pretty much eliminated any chance for that designation going to either the elephant or donkey.

California Governor Jerry Brown says he wants drought measures made permanent across the state. Although that isn’t necessary in Los Angeles where Dodger fans have been dealing with a dry spell going back to 1988.

California Governor Jerry Brown says he wants drought measures made permanent across the state. Which is probably not a bad idea for southern California where drought is declared over the minute there is actually water seen in the Los Angeles River.

The Department of Education is asking colleges to downplay applicants’ criminal backgrounds. Especially when they have anything to do with illegal activities used to try to pay off some of their tuition loans.

The Department of Education is asking colleges to downplay applicants’ criminal backgrounds. Where else are they going to get qualified people to become the next generation of Wall Street bankers?

China has banned eating bananas erotically online. The sad part is that for Americans, bananas are only considered erotic anymore when people get aroused looking at them used to make a banana split.

Netflix is teaming up with Sylvester Stallone to make an international reality show. Apparently it is a payoff for giving them so much available programming with all 28 films he has made so far in the “Rocky” series.

Netflix is teaming up with Sylvester Stallone to make an international reality show. Apparently after being nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar last year, the only think left in his career is to try to follow the same path as the Kardashians.

McDonald’s stock has gone up 55% in the past year, reaching an all time high of $131 a share. Which is no coincidence that at the same time “131” has also become the average waist measurement of their customers.

The CEO of the Lending Club has resigned over an investigation of loans given out to people who didn’t qualify. Ironically, the only thing more criminal than their loan policy was the CEO’s $11 Million salary.

Krispy Kreme stock prices went up 24% following an offer of a takeover by JAB Beech. The only thing that went up any higher was the average Body Mass Index of all their customers.

Takata says it expects to suffer an annual loss following the recall of 35 Million of its airbags. Even Tom Brady didn’t suffer as much as a financial hit over being accused of improper inflating technique.

Takata says it expects to suffer an annual loss following the recall of 35 Million of its airbags. Which is good news as how much suspicion would they be under if they had that many recalls and still pulled a profit?

U.S. workers say they have regained faith in being able to find a good job in case they are laid off. How bad is our economy that employees are happy that things won’t be quite as bad as they thought when they inevitably lose their job?

U.S. workers say they have regained faith in being able to find a good job in case they are laid off. That’s like a kid saying that school isn’t so bad because it doesn’t hurt as much when the bullies give them a wedgie.

A report says that two of five Americans admit they worry every day. The other three wouldn’t answer the survey until they were assured their name wouldn’t be made public.

A report says that two of five Americans admit they worry every day. The other three say they have been worry free ever since losing their job, home and car back in 2008.

A report says that two of five Americans admit they worry every day. The other three say they haven’t had a care ever since they got their prescription after medical marijuana was legalized.

A study says swaddling is being linked to SIDS. Which is bad news for anyone still raising a child back in the 5th Century.

A study says that infants don’t imitate their parents during the first weeks of their life. They save that for when they start mocking everything they say when they become teenagers.

A study says that suicide prevention apps may not get people in crisis the help they need. Not only that, but recently someone standing on the ledge of a building said they heard Siri yelling “Jump!”

Some seventh grade Colorado students are attending the first pot-focused education course. Which is interesting as that is the first time “pot” and “focused” have ever been used in the same sentence.

Some seventh grade Colorado students are attending the first pot-focused education course. The course is scheduled to start three hours late and is followed by an extended snack period that lasts through the rest of the day.

A study says men have deeper voices as a method to use to scare off rivals and attract women. Which is why the first thing so many men with higher voices do on a date is put on some Barry White.

A study says men have deeper voices as a method to use to scare off rivals. Which explains why so many geeks hide under their seats any time there is a speaking part by Darth Vader.

“Grand Theft Auto III” was inducted into the Video Game Hall of Fame. It’s now up to “Grand Theft Auto V” to try to live up to the legacy of theft, murder and robbery it has left on the millions of impressionable teenagers who spend hours playing it every day.

A report says a dedicated former chemist for the Massachusetts State Police was high on the job every day for eight years. Suspicions were raised when her method of rating the potency of confiscated drugs ranged from “Wow!” to “Oh, Man!” to “Whooooaaa!”

Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon have reportedly split after 33 years of marriage. Ozzy’s reaction to hearing his wife had left him was “I was married?”

Ozzy Osbourne and his wife Sharon have reportedly split after 33 years of marriage. Apparently Sharon realized she liked him a lot better when he was stoned out of his mind.

Nick Jonas says about his relationship with Kate Hudson that there is an “unbelievable connection.” Which in Hollywood-speak means give them about three months.

Justin Bieber is sporting a new tattoo of a cross near his eye. Now he is worried he may have to seek treatment for being cross-eyed.

Axl Rose performed his first show with AC/DC in Lisbon with a broken foot that kept him confined to a chair. Not to say Rose and the band are getting old, but it looked more like a heavy metal version of “Sit and Be Fit.”

Megan Fox says now that she is a mom her days of raunch film scenes are over. Which means she is going to have to divide her days between being a mother and finding time to make it to some acting classes.

A high school in McKinney, Texas is building a $62.8 Million football stadium that seats 12,000 people. To which members of the Cleveland Browns are saying “There are that many people who will go to a football game?”

A high school in McKinney, Texas is building a $62.8 Million football stadium that seats 12,000 people. The money was obtained when they decided they didn’t need to build an entire library to house the three books that they haven’t banned yet.

Stephen Curry was upgraded from “doubtful” to “questionable” before making it into Game Four of their playoff series against Portland. Which was exactly the same status of every player on the Philadelphia 76ers before every game of the regular season.

A brawl erupted between fans during a wheelchair basketball game in Germany. Apparently it had to do with someone taking up all the handicapped parking spaces.

A report says that Oklahoma was within 30 minutes of leaving for the Pac 10 Conference in 2010. Mostly because they know they are just one giant earthquake in California away from having coastal property in Norman.

A candidate for the State Senate in West Virginia was hospitalized after being beaten during a campaign appearance before the primary election. The good news is that the experience now qualifies him to run as a Republican presidential candidate in 2020.

A report says the team in charge of running the Facebook “trending” list has a liberal bias. No one had any idea it was the liberals who keep posting pictures of what they eat and videos of their cat playing the piano.

A report says the Obama Administration is already preparing for the successor to the White House. They have already tipped their hand as to whom they think will win as one of the moves was for old times’ sake in placing some cigars back in the Oval Office.

A report says the Obama Administration is already preparing for the successor to the White House. Mostly so when the new President is elected, the Obamas can get out before they can be blamed for the upcoming crash.

Ben Carson says that finding a vice presidential candidate for Donald Trump is “not going to be a problem.” The problem is finding someone who people will vote for despite the fact they are on a ticket with Donald Trump.

Selena Gomez says dating has been hard because she “doesn’t trust anybody.” Especially the person who told her nothing bad could come out of going out with Justin Bieber.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are coming down to crunch time on the annual Cystic Fibrosis Foundation’s Great Strides Walk. It’s this coming Saturday and I have been a little slow getting things together. This is the one time of the year I ask for you anything, which is a pretty good trade for the six or seven funny jokes I supply for everyone annually for free. All I ask is that you reach into your wallet for $5, $10, $20 or whatever amount you can afford to donate to the cause. Cystic Fibrosis is the affliction that took my wife five years ago, and I would like to see a cure found in the next few years. your money will help. I’ll make it really easy. Just click on the picture of me and my wife Karen and it will take you right to the page. It’s tax deductible and the CFF has one of the lowest overheads of any charity, which means most of your money goes to actually fighting the illness and helping the people who have it. It’s the best way of ever showing that you are really serious about sending the love!

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