Sunday, May 01, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Wasteland Weekend, a post-apocalyptic festival held in the California desert will be held in September. That month was chosen to give people a couple of months to get used to what things will be like after Donald Trump is elected President in November.

A company claims its new cat collar can translate meows to human speech. Which means it can say “Feed me,” “leave me alone” and “If you need me, I’ll be right here sleeping for the next 20 hours.”

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. To which Larry King is saying “It’s been done.”

A British doctor says that someone who has already been born will live to be 1,000. Which is good news for the young children today who will need that much time to pay off their college tuition loans.

Vogue is using a 100 year old model on its pages for the first time. No one had any idea the latest fashion trend was the return of bloomers.

Vogue is using a 100 year old model on its pages for the first time. The fashion shoot was reportedly difficult at times, but the photographer was finally able to get her to give in to showing a little ankle.

Ted Cruz’ father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. People are doubting the claim. Even God would worry about what would happen to his reputation if people knew he was socializing with a Wall Street investment banker.

Ted Cruz’ father says his son decided to run for President after God spoke to his wife. Although it was a little awkward when God approached her and the conversation started off with “So, how’s life being married to Lucifer in the flesh?”

A report says on the eve of government default, Puerto Ricans are broke and out of luck. Which is Puerto Rico is pretty much known as “Tuesday.”

Atlantic City is reportedly on the verge of default. You know things are bad there when they start asking Puerto Rico for financial advice.

Atlantic City is reportedly on the verge of default. The good news is that if we elect Donald Trump President, we have some breathing room knowing there was a 30 year span between starting his first casino there and the financial meltdown.

A study says a small amount of chocolate can fight diabetes and heart disease. The only problem is that a small amount of chocolate is what most Americans call “breakfast.”

A study says that repeating messages over social media makes people stupid by eliminating the need for any original ideas. The bad part is the results of the study have now already been retweeted five million times.

A fan of the show “CSI” used what she learned watching the show to help solve a murder in Spain. It’s just unfortunate that the show wasn’t around in 1994 and that investigators on the O.J. Simpson case only had access to episodes of “Scooby Doo.”

A fan of the show “CSI” used knowledge from watching the show to help solve a murder in Spain. The difference with “CSI: Spain” is that every murder is committed with some lances, a sword and a red cape.

Airlines are now making travelers pay extra to avoid sitting in the middle seat. The only problem is now the people in the aisle and window seats will be sitting next to someone who everyone knows couldn’t afford to sit anywhere better.

Airlines are now making travelers pay extra to avoid sitting in the middle seat. Mostly because it is worth it to sit on the aisle or window seat and only have to fight the person next to you for one of the arm rests.

A report says Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer could get $55 Million in severance pay if the company is sold. Which finally answers the question as to the origin of the company’s name.

A Seattle winery is starting to sell its wine in cans. Apparently it’s for connoisseurs who feel that drinking wine from a box is too pretentious.

A Seattle winery is starting to sell its wine in cans. Although it just sounds strange to hear someone say “Can you pick me up a six pack of Chateau Margaux?”

ExxonMobil reported its smallest quarterly profit in 16 years. To which most businesses that started up after the year 2000 are saying “What’s a profit?”

A poll says that half of Americans think when they retire they won’t have enough money to live comfortably. Mostly because they can’t afford to live comfortably while they are still working three jobs trying to make ends meet.

A poll says that half of Americans think when they retire they won’t have enough money to live comfortably. The other half are pretty sure their retirement party will coincide with their funeral.

A startup called “Getaround” lets people share their cars when they are not using them. Although anyone who has ever driven a rental car will balk at the thought of letting someone else treat their car the same way.

A startup called “Getaround” lets people share their cars when they are not using them. The only problem is giving your car over to a perfect stranger for several hours knowing what can happen when the valet parking attendant has it for only a few minutes.

An old article was discovered showing poet Walt Whitman promoted a Paleo-type of diet consisting of mostly meat back in the 19th century. Which is interesting as most people thought anyone calling a collection of poems “Leaves of Grass” was a vegetarian.

A study says children born to older women tend to grow up taller, fitter and more educated. Which is no surprise seeing what it would be like to be raised by any of the stars of “Teen Mom.”

Passengers on a cruise ship docked in Virginia had to be quarantined for norovirus. Or as being quarantined for norovirus is called on Carnival Cruise Lines, the muster drill.

The FDA is reconsidering painkiller training for doctors. Which up to this point was pretty much giving them a pen and prescription pad.

The FDA is reconsidering painkiller training for doctors. The only problem is the only way most doctors can make it through an FDA training session is by taking a half bottle of Oxyctontin.

Belgium has issued iodine pills to all its citizens as part of a nuclear emergency plan. Even Europe is taking the necessary precautions for what could happen if Donald Trump becomes President.

Woody Harrelson was not chosen as one of the people to be a licensed pot dealer in Hawaii. So, for now he will just have to go back to selling it out of the back of his 1974 Valiant in a parking lot off Hollywood Boulevard.

Alec Baldwin is set to host a reboot on ABC of “The Match Game.” Mostly so he can use the panelist jobs to finally get some work for his brothers Danny, Stephen and Billy.

Alec Baldwin is set to host a reboot on ABC of “The Match Game.” The irony is that the questions on the show won’t use the word “blank” as many times as someone reading the transcripts of one of his phone calls to his kids.

Kylie Jenner says she has paid for everything she has over the past five years, including clothes, cars and houses. Which must sit well with other 18 year olds who are hoping they can scrimp up enough cash from their part time job to buy an iTunes card.

Some nuns are disputing the court decision allowing Katy Perry to buy their convent from the Catholic Church. Apparently they mean business as their legal team is being headed by the left shark.

Some nuns are disputing the court decision allowing Katy Perry to buy their convent from the Catholic Church. The nuns think they can overturn the judge’s decision using legal precedent, the power of prayer and the threat of taking a ruler to his knuckles.

Shia LeBeouf has apologized to the person who was assaulted because he looks like the actor. Although the victim is more interested in LeBeouf apologizing for making both volumes of “Nimphomaniac.”

“Property Brothers” star Jonathan Scott was removed by bouncers after being in a bar fight in North Dakota. Now the only fixer-upper he is dealing with is his reputation for being seen in a bar in North Dakota.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says Laremy Tunsil should have been arrested at the NFL draft after pictures surfaced of him wearing a gas mask to use a bong. It turns out Tunsil keeps the gas mask around just in case he ever winds up at the same buffet restaurant with Chris Christie.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says Laremy Tunsil should have been arrested at the NFL draft after pictures surfaced of him wearing a gas mask with a bong. Although shouldn’t that be a doctor’s diagnosis when it comes to removing a Tunsil?

Mark Zuckerberg says Artificial Intelligence will help diagnose diseases easier and faster using the Internet. Especially any medical conditions caused from sitting in a chair while staring at a computer screen all day.

Cadillac is introducing a full display rearview mirror that uses a camera like a periscope to avoid the driver’s vision being blocked by passengers in the back seat. Which is sad to think the biggest blind spot for drivers is now the fat relatives they have to shuttle back and forth to the Old Country Buffet.

A Berkeley, California chiropractor is warning patients that their data may have been breached. Apparently the patients’ biggest concern is the embarrassment they will face when word gets out they are getting their medical advice from a chiropractor.

A secret court overseeing government surveillance requests accepted every warrant they were handed last year. Mostly because they know the people’s rights to privacy are not in danger as long as the requests to access information is coming from the FBI.

A weasel caused a power outage that temporarily shut down the world’s largest atom smasher in Switzerland. It was the biggest disruption ever caused by a weasel since 2013 when the government was shut down by Ted Cruz.

The “Ghostbusters” remake is the most hated trailer ever on Youtube, with more than a half million dislikes. The only way it could have been worse is if the movie starred Gwyneth Paltrow, was directed by Woody Allen and had a music score by Justin Bieber.

The White House has released a report on how to use technology to develop smart guns. Although there will always be a problem as long as the guns keep ending up in the hands of dumb people.

NASA says a gold plated mirror on the successor to the Hubble Telescope will help scientists see 13.5 Billion years in the past. It will be the biggest gold plated mirror ever used other than the one in Wayne Newton’s private dressing room.

Researchers say they have found a way to make a renewable electricity source using human pee. When the process is perfected, the bank will be telling those researchers “Urine the money!”

The Supreme Court has approved a rule change that expands the FBI’s hacking powers. Now all they have to do is get someone to show the FBI how to hack into something more complicated than a “Hello Kitty” MP3 player.

A study says that hyenas may have feasted on ancient human relatives 500,000 years ago. Laughing wasn’t associated with meal time for people again until the 1950s when Jerry Lewis started doing dinner shows six nights a week in Las Vegas.

A report says that most Republican politicians are not interested in running as Donald Trump’s vice presidential candidate. Even Sarah Palin isn’t interested, asking how do you go any more rogue than that guy?

Some Satanists say they are offended by John Boehner calling Ted Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh.” How bad is it when you have even lost the Devil worshipper vote on moral grounds?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is now May, which means we are roughly six months away from the presidential election. So still plenty of time to get your things in order. At least I will be able to have an easy time with all the material I am provided before the nation finally implodes. And yes, it still means you have several months ahead of you to make sure to remember to always send the love!

No comments: