Friday, April 08, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon is warning about an “economic tragedy we can see coming” in about ten years. The only question is where were his warnings before the crisis that was caused by the banking industry back in 2007?

The GAO says the government’s debt will soon exceed the country’s economic product. Which brings up the question of why a country with a GDP of $18 Trillion needs to borrow money in the first place?

Twitter posts are being blamed for a bank run in Kenya. Depositors reportedly withdrew their combined total savings of $3.75.

Twitter posts are being blamed for a bank run in Kenya. The worst part was that for Kenyans, even a run on the bank has to go 26.2 miles.

A music festival in Iceland features a special access ticket selling for $1 Million. The face value was actually $150 but apparently it is being resold through Ticketmaster.

A music festival in Iceland features a special access ticket selling for $1 Million. A regular ticket is $50 but the additional cost assures that the holder will not be subjected to any appearances by Bjork.

Two students in a New Zealand high school production of “Sweeney Todd” were injured when their throats were sliced by a prop knife. Although it may be a good thing they learned early that the theater is a cut throat business.

Two students in a New Zealand high school production of “Sweeney Todd” were injured when their throats were sliced by a prop knife. Apparently it isn’t enough to just go with the old theater custom of telling actors to break a leg.

Artificial Intelligence software in China will try to predict the winner of a reality TV singing contest. As opposed to the U.S. where reality TV singing contests are decided by pompous, arrogant and narcissistic judges.

Artificial Intelligence software in China will try to predict the winner of a reality TV singing contest. Mostly because the program overheated and shut down when they tried to get it to pick who would win the U.S. presidential election.

A 4 year old Texas boy saved his mom’s life by unlocking her cellphone and calling for help. He is now planning to put Kindergarten on hold as he considering offers made by both Apple and the FBI.

ISIS has reportedly captured hundreds of factory workers in Syria. Which came as a relief to Americans worried about the terrorist group coming here knowing there aren’t that many factory workers left in the entire country.

Former Treasury Secretary Larry Summers says that Donald Trump is an “American demagogue.” Which is proven by the fact that none of his supporters have any idea of what the word "demagogue" even means.

A Massachusetts girl is being accused of sending texts to her boyfriend encouraging him to kill himself. Her attorney says the texts were “just words” and didn’t amount to a crime. Unlike the time O.J. Simpson said the words “I do.”

A preliminary agreement has been reached in the mental competency lawsuit concerning 92 year old billionaire Sumner Redstone. The one thing hurting his claims of being mentally fit is that he is still holding on to his title of Chairman Emeritus for CBS.

The Senate has refused to stop airlines from continuing to shrink the size of seats on jetliners. Mostly because most Senators don’t have to worry about it as they are usually flown on private jets provided by the companies who need their votes.

The Senate has refused to stop airlines from continuing to shrink the size of seats on jetliners. The Senators feel that it’s not passengers are going to get any fatter on the flights by being able to actually afford to buy any airline snacks.

The creators of the “NoPhone” say they are helping Americans break their cellphone addiction by giving them a thin piece of plastic to replace their real phone. Although if people wanted a piece of plastic that just sat in their pocket doing nothing, they would just sign on for phone service with AT&T.

The creators of the “NoPhone” say they are helping Americans break their cellphone addiction by giving them a thin piece of plastic to replace their real phone. That doesn’t help the people who don’t need phone service but still like something in their pocket they can set to “vibrate” mode.

The Post Office is dropping the price of stamps for the first time in 100 years. Which means anyone mailing a letter today can count on it being there right about the time they have their next price cut.

Venezuelans will be getting every Friday off for the next two months because of an energy crisis. As opposed to the U.S. where when there is an energy crisis the people have to work two extra jobs to pay their cooling, heating and gasoline bills.

Venezuelans will be getting every Friday off for the next two months because of an energy crisis. Which goes well with most of the people in the country who already have nothing do on Saturday through Thursday.

Trust in Brazil’s leadership has dropped to a record low of 15%. To which members of the U.S. Congress are planning a delegation to see how they are keeping their poll numbers so high.

An analysis says that women in the U.S. earn nearly $500,000 less than men over their working life. People were shocked. There are people with jobs that have career earnings of a half million dollars?

A report says that high school kids drive drunk and take other risks when they sleep too much or don’t get enough sleep. In other words, they make bad choices because they are teenagers.

A report says that high school kids drive drunk and take other risks when they sleep too much or don’t get enough sleep. Which means the biggest problem facing children today is proper use of the snooze button.

Researchers in the UK are advocating food labeling showing how much activity it will take to burn off the calories the food contains. Which wouldn’t do much good in the U.S. where the only activity people get is the walk from the couch to the refrigerator.

Researchers in the UK are advocating food labeling showing how much activity it will take to burn off the calories the food contains. Which wouldn’t do much good in the U.S. where the only activity people get is struggling to open a can of cake frosting.

Researchers in the UK are advocating food labeling showing how much activity it will take to burn off the food’s calories. That wouldn’t be necessary in other countries where people would get up from the table and just run if they were ever served a plate of haggis.

A study says that gun owners looking for safety tips online may not find what they need to know. Which sounds like a bigger problem in having people owning guns who need to look on the Internet to see how they even work in the first place.

A study says that gun owners looking for safety tips online may not find what they need to know. Which is unfortunate that there isn’t a site that tells them to put the gun away until they actually take a firearms safety course.

A study says that gun owners looking for safety tips online may not find what they need to know. The biggest tip is hiding the gun away from their wife if she ever finds out what else they are looking at on the Internet.

A study says that some people’s brain structures may lower their inhibitions and make it easier for them to engage in risky behavior. Those with normal brain structures have to rely on making those same mistakes the traditional way by drinking too much alcohol.

A study says asking teens how many days a year they drink alcohol can spot which teens are at risk for developing drinking problems. Especially for the ones who give the answer as “365.”

A study says asking teens how many days a year they drink alcohol can spot which teens are at risk for developing drinking problems. It’s even more of a problem for the ones who say they drank too much to remember.

A study says that sitting less than three hours a day can increase a person’s life expectancy by about two and a half months. Which most people aren’t willing to give up as that doesn’t even cover the time they set aside each year for binge watching TV.

A model in a Gucci ad was deemed to be “unhealthily thin” by a British regulator. It was determined the way to get her to eat more was quit trying to serve her any British food.

A model in a Gucci ad was deemed to be “unhealthily thin” by a British regulator. Which means she has graduated up to now being called a “supermodel.”

After 14 years, original “American Idol” hosts Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest were reunited on the final show. The most emotional part was when Seacrest put an extra large tip in Dunkleman’s red vest when he brought Seacrest’s car from the parking lot.

Charlie Sheen is being investigated by police over making felony threats. Which is rough on Sheen since he is pretty much a threat to anyone getting within 50 yards of him.

Macaulay Culkin says he is essentially retired from acting. The sad part is that it took him the last 25 years of being out of work since “Home Alone” to finally realize it.

Indonesian pop star Irma Bule died after being bitten on stage by a cobra that was part of the show. It was sad that she died after making an asp of herself.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton says she was told she needed to lose weight. Apparently there was a problem during the shows when the underwear she was modeling wouldn’t ever fall off.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Erin Heatherton says she was told she needed to lose weight. Apparently she was having trouble fitting into the new underwear line under the label “Ann O’Rexic.”

Golfer Ernie Els started off the first hole of the Masters with a 9 that included six putts. There hasn’t been a golfer so nervous on the course since Tiger Woods kept flinching every time he thought he heard Elin Nordegren sneaking up behind him.

Verizon and Google are expected to bid on Yahoo’s web business. Which is a good sign for investors in the two companies as it shows they must both be doing very well to be looking to pick up such a big tax write off.

A report says that Facebook users are sharing less personal news about themselves. Especially the men who know they will lose half of what they own if their wives find out what and who they are sharing it with.

A report says that stop-start technology is coming to cars where the engine shuts off when stopped to save gas. Leading the way with the technology is Chrysler where they have mastered the “stop” part but are still having trouble as usual with the “start.”

Artificial Intelligence was combined with a 3D printer to make an “original” Rembrandt painting. Although art critics were not impressed as they found out the software did it using paint-by-numbers.

Google is testing self-driving cars around Phoenix. They chose the Arizona city because being so close to the border means they don’t need drivers there as most the people are usually riding around in the trunk.

John Kasich says while in New York that the city makes him feel “so alive.” Unfortunately that is the one thing that nobody has ever said about his campaign.

The L.A. Lakers are selling a limited edition Kobe Bryant hat for $38,000. The price is so high because of all the material needed to make it big enough to cover his ego.

Las Vegas casino mogul Steve Wynn says he wants to provide a luxury product because “nobody likes to be around poor people.” Which makes it a real problem having guests and the people who work for Steve Wynn’s hotels in the same building.

Las Vegas casino mogul Steve Wynn says he wants to provide a luxury product because “nobody likes to be around poor people.” Which ironically is what rich people become if they gamble long enough at Steve Wynn’s casinos.

President Obama has warned Democrats about developing a “Tea Party mentality” that could end up causing division in the ranks. To which most people are saying isn’t “Tea Party mentality” pretty much an oxymoron?

President Obama has warned Democrats about developing a “Tea Party mentality” that could end up causing division in the ranks. To which most people say the Democrats were founded on division in the ranks and have held the copyright since 1968.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is Masters Week, and all golf lovers are just glad CBS didn’t manage to also give this one away to basic cable. TBS had the Final Four of March Madness and saw viewership drop 37%. How could anyone have fewer people watching than CBS? It was sad to see Ernie Els six putt the first hole. It made most of us hackers think we could have done it in no more than four. While you are taking time to watch the golfers navigate the fast and sloping greens at Augusta National, try to take a few minutes to remember to make sure and send the love!

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