Thursday, April 07, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Alibaba says it has passed Wal-Mart as the largest retail company in the world. Although the Chinese behemoth has an advantage being so much closer to where all the cheap Chinese crap they both sell is made.

Facebook is adding new features to allow more live streaming. Which means we will now all be able to not only see what our Facebook friends are eating for breakfast, we can actually watch them wolf down the entire meal.

A tax advocacy group says Americans pay more on taxes than they do for food, clothes and housing combined. Mostly because after paying taxes on their minimum wage income there isn’t anything left for food, clothes or housing.

A tax advocacy group says Americans pay more on taxes than they do for food, clothes and housing combined. Which most people don’t mind that much when they compare it back to 2008 when they didn’t have to pay taxes with no job, no income and no cash.

The WHO says the number of adults with diabetes has quadrupled since 1980. Not coincidentally, during that same time so has the value of Krispy Kreme stock.

Google’s parent company Alphabet is reportedly considering building an entire city from scratch. Apparently they figure at the very least they can’t do any worse than how things turned out in Oakland, Cleveland and Detroit.

Scientists say a mind control microscope can change behavior in mice in an instant. But then also so can a cat.

Scientists say a mind control microscope can change behavior in mice in an instant. Although still not as much as a wife can with her husband when she walks in while he is chatting with someone on Facebook.

A new startup claims it can predict the future by decoding the past. The first thing it came up with is that the Cubs are once again not going to win the World Series.

A new startup claims it can predict the future by decoding the past. Which by looking at other startups means in another six weeks all the people working there should start sending out their resumes.

A new startup claims it can predict the future by decoding the past. The bad news is that when they type in our economic future the program keeps going back to 1929.

Pharmaceutical Allergan and Pfizer have called off a proposed $160 Billion merger. Apparently executives at Viagra making Pfizer thought they were going to get stiffed.

Pharmaceutical Allergan and Pfizer have called off a proposed $160 Billion merger. Which caused executives at Viagra making Pfizer when their stock prices dropped to say that this has never happened to them before.

New York City has banned smokeless tobacco at ballparks and other sports venues. Apparently officials are concerned about athletes who might slip where someone has spit and fall on a discarded steroid needle.

John Kerry has set a record for distance traveled as Secretary of State with 1.06 Million miles. He rang up the miles to try to keep peace in the Middle East, help with the economic problems in Europe and rack up enough frequent flier miles so he can fly free on personal vacations anywhere for the next 20 years.

Nigeria says it is planning to send an astronaut into space by 2030. By then they will have more than enough money to pay for it with all the income taxes they have been collecting from the recent cash windfall for several of the country’s princes.

Nokia says it is planning mass layoffs as cost savings. The worst part is the employees were given a new Nokia phone so they could find out the news by a text message.

United Airlines has given up on a plan to buy Delta’s takeoff and landing spots at Newark Liberty International Airport. Mostly because the spots were for the next couple of years and United is already canceling and delaying flights scheduled through 2023.

San Francisco will require businesses to give couples six weeks of paid parental leave. The move will also benefit companies as new parents can use the time to catch up on their sleep as that will be the last rest they will get for the next 18 years.

A report says that global warming could make for more food poisoning and a decrease in nutritional value of crops. The good news is that people who want to get a head start on building up an immunity can start now by eating more often at Chipotle.

A study says that restaurants have been cutting calories in their kids’ meals. The only problem is that in order to get full, kids are having to now order three of the meals instead of just two.

A survey says many Americans feel higher prices don’t mean better health care. Although they do know that their doctor is in a much better mood and is more attentive to their needs when he can drive to work in a Mercedes Benz instead of a BMW.

A survey says many Americans feel higher prices don’t mean better health care. Mostly because they know paying constantly higher prices is pretty much the definition of having any health care at all.

A study says that grief may trigger heart rhythm trouble. And vice versa with the grief the patient experiences after getting their cardiologist bill.

A study says that marijuana use during pregnancy is linked to low birth weight. Especially when the fetus has to ask the mother not to bogart all the pizza.


A study says that marijuana use during pregnancy is linked to low birth weight. Not only that, but if the babies get stoned enough they don’t arrive until several weeks after their due date.

A study says that weight loss surgery results in improved walking and less pain for patients. The bad news is that now it’s easier once again to get off the couch and walk back and forth to the refrigerator.

A California lawmaker wants to allow supervised heroin use. It would be easy to implement, especially in cities with major sports teams where addicts can be placed in the care of the same doctors who inject all the athletes with steroids.

A study says the cost of insulin for diabetics has tripled over the past ten years. Which is probably not a coincidence that so has the average waist size of all the people who have developed type 2 diabetes.

A study says the cost of insulin for diabetics has tripled over the past ten years. Pharmaceutical executives were at a loss for an explanation. They have no idea why the price hasn’t gone up at least 5,000% like with some other drugs.

The final episode of “American Idol” will feature first season co-host Brian Dunkleman. It has never been revealed if he was fired and is the unluckiest person in Hollywood or if he quit and is the dumbest.

Khloe Kardashian’s FYI talk show “Kocktails With Khloe” has been canceled. Apparently the show’s one hour format didn’t allow enough time for viewers to drink as many cocktails as they needed to get through each episode.

Khloe Kardashian’s FYI talk show “Kocktails With Khloe” has been canceled. Although most the alcohol consumed during the show was the drinking game where viewers took a drink every time the host or guests said something dumb.

Country music legend Merle Haggard has died at age 79. Apparently his doctors misunderstood what his family was telling them when they said he was looking haggard.

Country music legend Merle Haggard has died at age 79. He is credited with coming up with what is known as the “Bakersfield sound.” Although even after eating fast food and going unbathed for days at a time he could never quite duplicate the “Bakersfield smell.”

“Real Housewives of New York City” star Sonja Morgan says “Waterboard me, I could survive.” To which most people who have seen any episodes of the show are saying, “With pleasure!”

“Real Housewives of New York City” star Sonja Morgan says “Waterboard me, I could survive.” Which most people are saying they would take waterboarding themselves if it means not having to watch any of the “Real Housewives” shows.

Lisa Whelchel of “The Facts of Life” says she “can’t guarantee that Jesus would have been a Republican.” Which is ironic considering that the party’s frontrunner for the presidential nomination seems to think he is his father.

Lisa Whelchel of “The Facts of Life” says she “can’t guarantee that Jesus would have been a Republican.” To which John McCain is saying “I knew Jesus, and he was no Democrat!”

Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie has resigned. Sports fans were surprised. The 76ers actually had someone who was running the team?

Philadelphia 76ers GM Sam Hinkie has resigned with a 13 page letter to the team. The sad part is that the resignation letter had three more pages than the number of wins the team has this year.

The Yankees and Astros became the first teams to play a game under New York City’s ban on smokeless tobacco at sporting events. The sad news is that the law means Derek White won’t even be able to drive the Skoal Car through the city while smuggling bricks of tobacco in the trunk.

A study says that using GPS navigation can dull a person’s sense of direction. It also means that women don’t have to sit in the car for three hours while their husband is driving and insisting he isn’t lost.

The FBI is letting some members of Congress in on their secret of unlocking an iPhone. Which is no big deal since most congressmen’s knowledge of technology still keeps them from figuring out how to get their VCR to stop perpetually flashing “12:00.”

A poll says the FBI’s ability to unlock an iPhone could hurt Apple’s sales. They could lose a lot of business from terrorists who are not only afraid their iPhones could be hacked but also that they will stop working when submerged during waterboarding.

Google says it is considering getting into the political polling business. Although polling may be an endangered business as the way to determine who is going to win an election is whomever comes up with the dumbest and most inflammatory quotes.

Bookmakers have set the odds on which world leader is most likely to resign because of the Panama Papers leak. Although it might be a moot point because if politicians have stopped resigning for starting wars, having extramarital affairs and taking bribes, they aren’t going to voluntarily give up their positions because of a few crooked investments.

Bookmakers have set the odds on which world leader is most likely to resign because of the Panama Papers leak. Although nothing will probably happen as most people who hear about “Panama Papers” will think it has something to do with smoking weed.

Several tablets from 2,400 years ago cursing Greek tavern owners were discovered in the grave of a young woman in Athens. She must have awakend next to someone really hideous to carry such a grudge against the bar owners for letting her get that drunk.

Bernie Sanders says that Hillary Clinton is “not qualified” to be President. Although it stands to reason that anyone smart enough to be President would never want to be subjected to what it takes to run for the office in the first place.

Bernie Sanders says that Hillary Clinton is “not qualified” to be President. Apparently he feels as a former First Lady, Senator and Secretary of State, she is not up to the job like say the Republicans’ frontrunner who ran a reality show and went bankrupt four times.

The IRS says it will start to allow people to make their tax payments at 7-Eleven stores. Which is ironic in that most 7-Eleven customers haven’t had to pay income taxes on what they make from their minimum wage jobs since 2003.

The IRS says it will start to allow people to make their tax payments at 7-Eleven stores. The good news is that anyone frequenting a 7-Eleven will probably be able to immediately convert their entire refund into a lemonade Slurpee and box of Slim Jims.

Four states have banned nonessential travel to Mississippi and North Carolina in the wake of the passing of “religious freedom” laws. That could really hurt the states as pretty much all travel to Mississippi and North Carolina is considered nonessential.

Florida has ended a 148 year old ban on unmarried cohabitation. Which coincidentally is exactly the combined age of most widowed couples who are shacking up in Miami.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Masters starts today, one of my favorite sporting events of the year. Tiger Woods will miss this year’s tournament which with the only black golfer out of the field will be called “Throwback Thursday Georgia 1963.” Putting on the Green Jacket makes it the one event where the athletes are actually dressed worse than the announcers. Just remember to replace your divots and to make sure to always send the love!

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