Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

“Little Big Shots” and “Master Chef Junior” are the latest unscripted TV show hits that are starring mostly children. They are the most successful TV shows that don’t rely on a script since “Two Broke Girls.”

A report says radioactive boars have been wandering the countryside near the Fukushima nuclear power plant. The good news is that people who are able to hunt them down can enjoy some already microwaved pork.

Saudi Arabia is pushing an austerity program to mitigate the lack of revenue from falling oil prices. Already the Royal Family has had to agree to drop the air conditioning thermostat during summer down to 112.

Researchers say that intimate caresses from humanoid robots can produce a physiological response in some humans. Those humans are otherwise known as “men.”

A study says that people with multiple tattoos have stronger immune systems than others. Mostly because their immune systems have gotten such a workout from fighting off the skin infections, tetanus and Hepatitis C they got at the tattoo parlor.

The Prime Minister of Iceland has resigned after being accused in the Panama Papers leak of being one of the rich and powerful who hid their wealth. Which immediately raised questions like how did the Prime Minister of Iceland get wealthy in the first place?

Apple says it has fixed a bug that let others look at iPhone photos and contacts by using Siri. Which is unfortunate for the FBI because apparently that is how they finally got to take a peek into the San Bernardino shooters’ phone.

Apple says it has fixed a bug that let others look at iPhone photos and contacts by using Siri. The embarrassing part is that the bug was supposedly contracted in the first place by Siri while she was dating an Android.

New York’s top court has ruled that parents can eavesdrop on their own children’s phone calls. The only problem is finding a child older than 6 who actually still uses their phone for anything besides texting, social media and sending photos.

Dubai is using a fleet of drones to catch people who litter. Not only is there a high success rate of catching those dropping trash, the blades of the rotors are perfect for cutting off their hands.

Osama bin Laden was reportedly big on investing illegal money he collected in gold. In fact, it just came out that when he was gunned down by the Navy SEALs he was on his way down the street to trade in some jewelry at the local Cash4Gold.

Osama bin Laden was reportedly big on investing illegal money he collected in gold. Which explains why the pictures taken by Navy SEALs after gunning him down weren’t released because it didn’t look right that the world’s top terrorist was wearing grillz.

The NCAA Championship game saw a 37% drop in viewers on its debut on cable. Which came down to the 37% of potential viewers over the age of 70 who couldn’t figure out how to change the TV to a channel other than CBS.

The NCAA Championship game saw a 37% drop in viewers on its debut on cable. Those were the people who saw the game as just the latest ploy by Jay Leno to get Conan O’Brien off the air.

Donald Trump says he will make Mexico pay for his proposed wall across the border by impounding payments sent back home by immigrants. Which apparently Trump didn’t stop to consider that ending those payments is the entire reason he proposed building the wall in the first place.

Libya’s Tripoli government says it will “cease operation” and absolve itself of responsibility for the country’s fate. To which most U.S. voters are asking if there is some sort of handbook available to show how to make that happen.

Libya’s Tripoli government says it will “cease operation” and absolve itself of responsibility for the country’s fate. Apparently they figured it couldn’t be that hard to do if it was already pretty much accomplished in Flint, Michigan.

Villanova canceled classes on Tuesday because of the celebration after winning the NCAA Championship game. The news surprised the basketball team members. “They have classes here?”

Puerto Rico is calling a moratorium on all government debt payments. Apparently they are taking their cue from the U.S. and will worry about their deficit when it gets up around $18 Trillion.

Wal-Mart pulled a shirt they were selling that had the Maryland Terps logo over an outline of Massachusetts. It wasn’t pulled because of the error, it’s just that Wal-Mart shoppers only buy shirts that have an outline of Texas, Oklahoma or Arkansas.

Wal-Mart pulled a shirt they were selling that had the Maryland Terps logo over an outline of Massachusetts. People were surprised at the news. Someone who works or shops at Wal-Mart was able to identify the outline of Massachusetts?

Two Carnival cruise ships flunked a CDC inspection after they were discovered to have cockroaches, dirty grout and potentially hazardous food. Passengers were upset at the news. They waited all morning to get in line for that breakfast buffet.

Two Carnival cruise ships flunked a CDC inspection after they were discovered to have cockroaches, dirty grout and potentially hazardous food. Carnival officials say the good news is they passed the two most important tests. Inspectors found the ships still floating and not on fire.

Band of America Merrill Lynch says that the nation’s unemployment rate is more like 6% instead of the 5% the government claims. Which is still better than the 12% unemployment because of the recession caused by the mortgage crisis created by institutions like Bank of America Merrill Lynch.

Ford says it is planning to build a $1.6 Billion car plant in Mexico. It will cost $1 Billion for the actual plant and the rest will go to building the wall around it.

Ford says it is planning to build a $1.6 Billion car plant in Mexico. Which will come in handy for immigrants after Donald trump builds his wall as they will just come across the border in the trunks of all the new Fusions being driven back into the states.

President Obama says that corporate tax avoidance is hurting the middle class. Mostly because the wealthy people who control the corporations know they can’t get anywhere near as much money by hurting the poor.

New Jersey is suing Atlantic City to protect teachers’ pay. If that doesn’t work, Chris Christie is just going to put it on the Roulette Wheel and let it ride on “red.”

Facebook has developed a system that can describe pictures to the blind. Apparently it has been programmed to say “That is someone’s breakfast,” “that is a selfie” and “that is a video of a cat playing the piano.”

Subway is bringing calorie counts to all 27,000 of its U.S. stores. They will be displayed right next to the counter that shows how many months it will be until former spokesman Jared Fogle is released from prison.

Subway is bringing calorie counts to all 27,000 of its U.S. stores. Which is completely different from the time when Jared Fogle’s picture was hung on the wall in every U.S. Post Office.

A study says many of the oldest people who are at least 95 say they are at peace with dying. Especially the ones who are glad they didn’t grow up now when their grandchildren will be trying to live to 95 just so they can finally afford to retire.

A study says sleepless nights may be linked to brain abnormalities. Especially for the men who are hit over the head with a frying pan when they are caught sneaking into the bedroom at 3:00 in the morning.

A report says that manmade global warming is making Americans sicker with dirtier air, contaminated water and tainted food. Or as most people know that, eating at the Beijing Chipotle.

A study says that virtual MDs may not be the best for urgent medical problems. Especially when the doctor puts on a VR headset and asks the patient to strip when he thinks he is still logged into his virtual reality porn site.

A study says that parents with sleep problems think their children have them, too. Mostly because the fact their kids are staying up all night with their iPads and iPhones is the reason their parents can never get any sleep either.

A report says that despite fears, Obamacare has not caused employers to end workers’ health insurance. Mostly because management is worried about how much time would be lost by making their employees have to navigate through the Obamacare website.

Comedian and writer Zach Miko has been signed by IMG Models in their new plus-size division. It’s a move to appeal to men with heavier builds, which are now classified by the fashion industry as “men.”

Comedian and writer Zach Miko has been signed by IMG Models in their new plus-size division. Which was easy for IMG to find a plus-size model as all they had to do was go through their current roster of comedians and writers.

Mike Sandlock, the oldest former MLB player has died at 100. He was eulogized by Jamie Moyer as being tragically cut down right in the prime of life.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says there is a “realistic” possibility that London will be getting an NFL franchise. Which would mean more if it weren’t coming from a league that couldn’t get a team in the nation’s second largest city for 21 years.

Duke has already been chosen by bookies as the favorite for the 2017 NCAA Basketball Championships. To which even the presidential candidates are saying “They’re starting already?”

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says pitcher Jenrry Mejia will be given “fair reinstatement consideration.” The league doesn’t want to rush to judgment on a player who has only failed his drug tests three times.

A police horse was reportedly assaulted during the Villanova NCAA Championship celebration. Authorities weren’t sure if it was because of the celebration or if they were casting for a remake of “Blazing Saddles.”

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the NFL playoffs are “likely” to expand. Apparently the league is having a tough time explaining to the rest of the teams why anyone from the NFC East gets to play in the postseason.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says in a shareholder letter that Amazon is the “best place in the world to fail.” To which all the minimum wage employees sweating it out in the Amazon warehouses are saying, “Tell us about it.”

An Alabama lawmaker has taken the first step to impeach Governor Robert Bentley in the midst of a sex scandal. Although if anyone wanted to impeach the Governor of Alabama, the evidence is always there for incompetency. It’s called “Alabama.”

A poll says a majority of Wisconsin Republicans are scared about a Donald Trump presidency. Which is a cause of real concern to the rest of the country. These are people who are brave enough to live in Wisconsin.

San Francisco has approved a measure to become the first city in the U.S. to require businesses to provide fully paid parental leave. Which fortunately includes adoption so that it will affect more than just the three straight couples in the city.

Police in Germany are asking people not to wave at President Obama on his visit later this month. They are telling the people who want to give a stiff-armed salute they will just have to wait until Donald Trump becomes President.

Former star of MTV’s “Laguna Beach” Casey Reinhardt says she is pregnant. Which at age 29 means she is 13 years too late to be cast in that condition on any other MTV shows.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday I happened to set a new personal record with 61 jokes on the site in one day. Even better is that I only stole 43 of them. Those were the funny ones. And yes, I have no life. Just this, my job as a TV meteorologist and hey, has anyone seen my daughter in the past week? Just asking. Today I am back to a more normal total of 51. Slacker! I am just glad you still check in to read them all. Now all you have to do to really make my day is take the time to remember to send the love!