Tuesday, April 05, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Spain says it may drop its custom of siesta to shorten the work day by two hours. Now the only problem is finding something to do for Spanish workers the other three hours they are on the job.

A severe storm knocked a Chipotle restaurant sign onto a car in Indiana. The car’s driver was able to escape serious injury when the accident kept them from going into the restaurant and being infected with E.coli and norovirus.

A study says that students who write their notes in class outperform those who are typing them. Mostly because the ones typing in class are actually just texting all their friends.

A study says that students who write their notes in class outperform those who are typing them. Educators were surprised. There are students who still know how to write?

A study says human sacrifice in ancient societies was used by the elite as a means of social control. Or as sacrificing the poor as a way for the upper class to keep power and wealth is now called, the military.

A report says that economic models are predicting a GOP win for the White House. Which would be easier to have any confidence in if the same models could have given us any idea of what was coming back in 2007.

A report says that economic models are predicting a GOP win for the White House. Apparently the models are saying if you like how bad the economy is now, you will love four years of Donald Trump.

A “death simulator” in China allows people to experience what it is like to die and be cremated. Or they can just get a job working at Apple supplier Foxconn.

A “death simulator” in China allows people to experience what it is like to die and be cremated. Or they could just speed up the process and find out soon enough after signing on at an HMO.

A report says that American students are being scammed out of spots at top universities by foreign students who have others take their enrollment tests for them. It’s the biggest scam on American students other than on the ones who are accepted into those colleges and have to work 40 years just to pay off the tuition loans.

A judge has approved a $20 Billion settlement in the 2010 BP Gulf Oil Spill. Which means the executives at BP will have to find a way to make up for the three days worth of profits it will take to pay for it.

An annual dog meat festival in China is under scrutiny by animal rights groups. Or as dog meat festivals are known as in Korea, “lunch.”

Princeton has rebuffed calls to remove the name of Woodrow Wilson from its public policy school. Mostly because they are proud of the fact that most Princeton students are accepted because they actually know who Woodrow Wilson was.

Princeton has rebuffed calls to remove the name of Woodrow Wilson from its public policy school. Apparently graduates felt embarrassed that Woodrow Wilson was the most prominent name the school could put on one of their buildings.

The Supreme Court has refused to hear a case challenging the “one man one vote” concept for redrawing voting districts. Mostly because “one man one vote” only applies to Donald Trump who is expecting an election day total of “all women zero votes.”

Fisher Price toys has named designer and author Jonathan Adler as its new creative director. The position was recommended for adults age 45-52.

The California Supreme Court has made it more difficult for companies to deny employees a place to sit at work. Which was no surprise coming from a group that spends its entire day working from the bench.

The California Supreme Court has made it more difficult for companies to deny employees a place to sit at work. Which was good news for the Raiders offensive team which is used to sitting through all but a few minutes of each game.

Staples is planning on turning a part of some stores into office space for lease. Which sounds like a good idea until they realize the money they make from rent will be lost by people coming to work who now have a whole store to steal office supplies from.

Staples is planning on turning a part of some stores into office space for lease. Which will be great for all their workers who will have access to the supplies they need for what they do at work all day. Make paper airplanes and shoot rubber bands at each other.

Some economists are pushing back at Donald Trump’s comments that the U.S. is headed towards a “massive recession.” Mostly for the fact that it will be impossible to go into another recession until we get out of the one we have been in since 2007.

Some economists are pushing back at Donald Trump’s comments that the U.S. is headed towards a “massive recession.” Although others agree we will go into a massive recession pretty much on the day Donald Trump moves into the White House.

A report says that 92% of investors made money last month. Apparently the other 8% made the mistake of putting their money into Microsoft, Volkswagen and Chipotle.

Donald Trump says he will fix the nation’s deficit in eight years. Mostly by putting the entire nation back to work to support our soldiers in the eight wars he is planning to start.

A survey says that Donald Trump’s campaign will hurt bookings at his hotels and golf courses. Which is fine because that will just speed up the process of his business model which calls for him to eventually declare bankruptcy all all his operations anyway.

A report says that millionaires are leaving Chicago at a faster rate than any other city. Mostly because they know if they stay in Chicago much longer they probably aren’t going to be millionaires anymore.

A report says that millionaires are leaving Chicago at a faster rate than any other city. Except Detroit where the people are asking “What’s a millionaire?”

Apple estimates it will sell its 1 Billionth iPhone this summer. Which answers the question of what represents the odds of one in a billion, which is the chances that the FBI will be able to figure out how to get into your iPhone.

Apple estimates it will sell its 1 Billionth iPhone this summer. Which represents the one million iPhone users who are all going on their one thousandth upgrade.

A report says that athletic gear makers are finding their workout clothes are too “sporty.” Apparently what they need to do is appeal more towards the average American consumer and start making patterns that more closely match their couch.

A report says that athletic gear makers are finding their workout clothes are too “sporty.” Although it’s hard to have gear looking too sporty when it is covered with ketchup, mustard and milkshake stains.

A report says that Wrigley Field in Chicago is the second most expensive park to watch a baseball game. It would be the most expensive but fans get to save some cash without the option of being able to buy souvenir World Series pennants.

A study says that climate change is putting trillions of dollars of assets at risk. Although some people are doubting the claims. Who still has trillions of dollars of assets to be at risk?

A study says that climate change is putting trillions of dollars of assets at risk. Although others are doubting the claims saying that the onset of droughts, floods and heatwaves will all pretty much eventually just offset each other.

Virgin America has taken the top spot for overall U.S. airline performance for the fourth year in a row. Although beating out United, American and Southwest is pretty much like being the NFL team that winds up winning the NFC East division.

The FCC is looking into “nutritional labeling” for Internet service to help consumers select the best provider. Which is ironic they would use a nutritional metaphor as sitting in front of the computer all day is why Americans have all become so fat.

The FCC is looking into “nutritional labeling” for Internet service to help consumers select the best provider. The sad part is that the nutritional labeling warns people using AOL they could develop anorexia.

Alaska Airlines has beat out JetBlue to buy Virgin America. United decided to stay out of the bidding as it would be too much trouble to try to figure out the scheduling for an airline that actually flies on time.

Toyota is teaming up with Microsoft to be able to deliver cars that offer more connected services. In a related story, Chrysler is teaming up with AOL to deliver cars that will make an Internet connection right around the time the engine finally starts running.

A study says heart failure patients with clogged arteries have a better chance at surviving ten years if they go through bypass surgery. Which is not to be confused with the ones losing their health insurance who are then bypassed for any surgery.

An analysis says that drug companies have raised prices over the past five years. The good news is that prices have remained low for the anti-anxiety drugs needed to help people cope with the shock of opening up their pharmacy bill.

An analysis says that drug companies have raised prices over the past five years. What’s worse is when they say “the past five years” they mean yesterday, the day before and every other day for the past five years.

A study says that the size of a person’s waistline may predict heart disease better than their weight. Scientists say they aren’t really sure, that so far it is just a gut feeling.

A study says that the size of a person’s waistline may predict heart disease better than their weight.  Especially when the person’s waistline is so big they can’t see over it to read what it says when they stand on the bathroom scale.

A study says the caveman diet may help the hearts of older women. Although if it is so effective, whatever happened to all the cavemen?

A study says the caveman diet may help the hearts of older women. The hard part is for doctors to insinuate to a woman she is old enough to be eating like she lives in a cave.

A company has recalled packages of frozen broccoli which was sold in 11 states. Nutritionists were shocked. There are people in 11 states who actually eat broccoli?

A company has recalled packages of frozen broccoli which was sold in 11 states. The good news is that people weren’t eating it, they were using the frozen packages to put on injuries they suffered from falling off the couch while eating pizza and ice cream.

Justin Bieber debuted a new haircut that was mocked for consisting mostly of dreadlocks. The worst part is being made fun of for your haircut when you pretty much are just a haircut.

A London exhibit of the Rolling Stones features a combined 250 years worth of artifacts from the group. And that doesn’t even include the personal appearances by Keith Richards.

The co-stars of the CBS remake of “The Odd Couple” are promising an even better second season. Which came as a shock to most people who had no idea they even had a first season.

NASCAR has indefinitely suspended driver Derek White for his part in a tobacco smuggling operation. Officials told him he needed to work on his driving and could come back when he got fast enough to at least be able to outrun the police.

NASCAR has indefinitely suspended driver Derek White for his part in a tobacco smuggling operation. Which just shows the people who say race car driving isn’t a real sport may be right. What real sport still actually suspends anyone?

The Seattle Mariners lost their Opening Day game for the first time in ten years. Which is sad since until now it was just the other 161 games that were giving them problems.

The Yankees’ YES Network and Comcast remained at odds over fees on opening day. Comcast says YES is asking for too much money. Apparently they are demanding the equivalent of the price of two tickets, a hot dog and beer at Yankee Stadium.

Quick.com, one of the first domain names to be registered is up for auction. The only website address that is older is the one registered back in 1983 by Bill Gates’ haircut.

A report says that Donald Trump has been wearing a bulletproof vest at campaign rallies. He only started wearing one when he realized his hair could only deflect the bullets aimed at his head.

The TSA reportedly spent $1.4 Million on an app called the Randomizer which picks which line people go through at airport security stations using left or right arrows. Which is still a bargain compared to the “Hot Chick” app that determines which travelers have to go through the naked body scanner.

A report says that tech workers in Silicon Valley have lowered their salary expectations to an average of $125,000 a year because of economic uncertainty. Mostly because they are wondering how much can possibly left over for everyone else when their CEO is taking home $100 Million a year?

A report says that tech workers in Silicon Valley have lowered their salary expectations to an average of $125,000 a year because of economic uncertainty. Which beats out the salary expectations of all other Americans by roughly $125,000 a year.

Tennessee lawmakers have voted to make the Bible the state book. Legislators had a tough choice in having to make the call of voting for the Bible or that other one.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Yesterday was a tough one for me. Fortunately, I had already written my jokes Sunday so I had the rest of the day to reminisce about my wife who passed away five years ago yesterday. She was an awesome woman whom I still miss every day. How great is it to find a wife who doesn’t mind wasting time writing all these bad jokes? I was very lucky. She died from the effects of Cystic Fibrosis. Every year I try to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation for their Great Strides Walk in May which is right around the corner. I will be making my annual plea for donations, so look for the spot I will post on this page in the near future. Anything you can give will be greatly appreciated. It is by far the best thing any of you could ever do to make sure and send the love!

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